Need help staying stable

[khibomsis]

Hi BPD family. Haven't posted for years, this site was enormously helpful in resolving some FOO issues but thought I had moved on since. Obviously not. Some background: over the last three years I have been through some incredibly difficult times: went through a divorce, suffered two traffic accidents, lost both my parents, my two favourite aunts and a cousin who left three minor kids (I live in a country with no social welfare network so we are taking care of them as a family). In the meantime I also started dating a woman, who is lovely, beautiful, compassionate and caring. However, after about a year I said to her I think she is mildly BPD, low functioning in some areas although she can be incredibly high functioning if she is allowed to concentrate. She said no, merely severe PTSD which she has been diagnosed with. She can trigger like mad at the drop of a hat and this can go on for days. We live in separate cities, most of our relationship is over What's App, and we see each other maybe five, six months in a year. I think maybe that is why it took me so long to spot it - I should know after life with my uBPD mother! - but I should add that in the second traffic accident I received a blow to the head and have been pretty concussed for the last 18 months. I am slowly coming to and grappling with the aftermath of life crisis, not surprisingly I ran out of savings (one plans for one rainy day event but seldom for several happening all at once) could not work at my very demanding profession which requires 100% capacity at all times, and ended up deeply in debt and struggling. I think this is what triggered the severe BPD episodes because I promised to take care of her, which indeed I could with ease during the good times, but then I couldn't. So I perfectly get the episodes and accusations she is flinging about, even without black/white thinking these are pretty huge breaches of trust. She says I have been emotionally absent which is indeed true, between grief and concussion I sometimes did not know where I was, plus short term memory loss which persists to this day. It's a lot.
At the moment we are on a break at her request, it has lasted four and half months despite my every effort to reconcile. Communication has been pretty good, we were friends for many years before dating and we continue to be in business together, so we simply put the relationship part on hold while we continued the other parts. Well, I should say good for BPD, it is nothing to her to say "I'll call you later" meaning a couple of days later Still she has done a really good job of keeping track of her cellphone and charging it and so on.
Now she is coming to stay for a couple of months soon and I thought I need support, partly to reduce conflict and partly to make the very tough decisions that lie ahead.
Posting on this board because I take it so we are and always will be in some sort of relationship together, whether we are lovers or not. I am committed to taking care of her and set up a business specifically for that purpose which is doing well. Yes, it means I do four fifths of the work and have to organize around her occasional lapses into low functioning but mostly it is working out. Please don't think I am crazy, I take it so a woman who has stood by me during these multiple life crises deserves to be taken care of. And her romantic history is typical BPD, relationships that fail, breaches of promise and so on. I don't want to break mine, some were conditional on getting married but some weren't. IN any case I always take care of my exes so...
I do love her deeply, this period of uncertainty has been hell for me. Needless to say there has been triangulation, I don't think they have had sex but there is an emotional intimacy which is damaging too. If we can reach honesty about it there may be hope.  Took me a few months to catch on what with the concussion, once I figured it out I closed all channels of leakage, I do not want toxic energy in my emotional space. I can be quite manic with keeping everything ordered and peaceful for my healing. Made sure the other woman could not get her hands on anything to do with me, my business or my money. Now they are falling out (the other one is a narcissist so it has been interesting to watch) I think the more so because they are being forced to deal with each other as my corner of the triangle is empty. Am sticking to what I call the turtle - low profile, speak only when I am spoken too, respond when I can be kind, loving and stable, when I can't I focus on my exercises, meditation and radical acceptance which I really struggle to deal with. I continually come a cropper with expecting her to react sanely when of course she doesn't. One would have thought with my uBPD mom I would have this down pat but everyone is different, are they not?

Still, what is important is I keep my commitments. I want to try and do this without obsessing, obviously during my illness I reverted to type and all my co-dependency came out. So now I know that neither of us can be helped unless I restructure my life and get stable. Most fortunately I am coming into an inheritance next year which will enable me to pay off debt,   go into therapy and sort out my head which I am sure is in need of it. It struck me the other day that I have never had grief counseling so you can imagine! Right now all I need to do is hold it together. I know this board can help me do that.

My priority is to not escalate, I believe I can untrigger her, surprisingly by rubbing her feet, this has always helped. Or long distance by talking her down.  I don't do it too often because I think it is important she learns to ground herself, and indeed these past few months have shown huge improvement in this area. It is what has destroyed relationships and jobs for her in the past so is really the key. If we can stay together for three months and keep the triggers under control then we are good. If not then I have to really consider whether we can be safe together.
   
I need support to make the right decision, for both of us. I know with time what will be most important to me is that I have acted with compassion, towards her and to myself. Ultimately, though, I don't think the kind of the relationship really matters. What matters is the quality of our interactions. I really like this board because of the attention paid to detail, it is in the minute spaces of daily interaction that I think BPD can work or not work. If the day-to-day can be made pleasant by me acquiring more and better relationship skills than I am good, whether we are lovers or not. I hope this makes sense?       
Long post but I know people like the full picture.

Thank you in advance! You people save lives.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back though i am sorry to hear about all of your struggles.  That is a lot to deal with, especially all of the losses you have experienced.

I moved your thread from the conflicted board to the bettering board as this is where the tools for improving situations are used most often.  The feedback you get on this board will be more constructive in terms of maintaining a relationship regardless of the type of relationship (romantic, business, friendship).   We can also help you with coping skills for your own losses and all of the stress you are under.

It sounds like you have already done a lot of recovery work and could use a bit of a tune up.  I can relate.  I came here for a tune up back in 2014 and because of all the great feedback and support I received, I am still here!    This is a great place to be so I am glad you came back.

Why not take a look at the articles we have linked at the top of the page and figure out where you want to start.  Do you want a refresher on boundaries?  Radical acceptance?  Communication tools?  Take a look here:  Lessons

Hope to talk more with you soon. 

[khibomsis]

Thank you Harri! It feels good to know there is support out there. I am well supplied, have had lots of help from family and friends through this trying time, and without them I definitely would not have made it. Just don't talk to them much about my person because they know her. Feel it is up to her to decide how much she wants to reveal. So I don't know what I would have done without this place.
Thank you also for moving this to the Bettering board! Gives me hope somehow.
Truly I don't know where to start. Did an inventory yesterday of the significant relationships of my adult life and came up with the following scorecard:
2 alcoholics
2 BPD
1 Aspergers
I think they are all wonderful people, there has never been any physical violence or anything like that. Yet without a doubt I am attracted to pain. I have concluded I can't be right in my head. There is tons of other stuff, abandonment issues, some PTSD of my own, etc. Have had ten years of therapy and thought in the last five years I could manage OK. But clearly I cannot. Maybe it takes 11? Or 12?
The logical conclusion is that I need to question whether I can be good for a BPD person? I can't express how important it is for BPD's to be able to trust someone, they are so often in a state of life crisis and can't afford to trust anyone who will hurt them. So the secret with co-dependency, that one undermines another person's ability to take care of themselves because of one's own need to be needed, can be lethal to a BPD. I don't question her distrust of me because it seems to me entirely justified.   
So I have three weeks before she comes, two and a half months together and then another two months to wait until I can afford therapy and get rid of big stressors like money. If I can work on myself and be more stable and trustworthy in the meantime then I shall be at peace.
What is important for me is to focus on process, not outcome. I am trying to not attach to the form of the relationship ultimately but the quality. I mean what would be the use of being married if we were miserable and triggered all the time? Focusing on the quality of the relationship  means directing my attention to small things, especially communication.

Right now I am working on a positive outlook. I tend to obsess about her and don't think it is doing us any good. So right down to the detail, learning to take the negative thought (my feelings of abandonment mostly) and turning it round to gratitude. Having survived two near-death experiences that is not hard to do, mostly I am grateful for not being dead (always a good starting point  ). It is kind of remembering to remind myself that is the tricky part if you see what I mean.

Like any born codependent setting boundaries is the hardest, trying to please others is not good for a BPD who needs healthy communication about what is OK. I cannot express how bad I am at this, I am scared to even to return a defective product because I don't wish to upset the shop assistant. In relationships I truly suck. So for today I will have a browse on the site and work on that.
 

 
 

 

[khibomsis]

My gratitude for today is concussion. Truly. For the first time in a long time I feel no FOG. Whatever went down I was off my head and out of control. It was not my fault. Amazing how good that feels  !

Can the same be said for BPD? Where does one draw the line between accountability and the fact that they did not choose their disorder? I'm guessing it is in the daily practice that one figures this out.

So the backstory is this: We were engaged to be married when the accident happened. She was all packed up, had given up her place in preparation for moving here. Well, I was out of it for a couple of months what with concussion, the loss of my uBPDmom and an aunt who had functioned as a safe haven when nuclear family went crazy. I honestly don't have much retention of what happened. When I came to her mom was pretty ill. I said: "I can't take away from you the  last years with your mom". Having just lost my own I knew how hard it could be and not doing the best one can will only create lifelong guilt=worse dysregulation. Her mother, besides, has been the one solid rock in a lifetime of broken relationships. It's a lot. Mom lives with younger sister but my honest take is that whole family crazy as bedbugs and totally sympathized with beloved's desire to stick around and make sure mom got taken care of. I mean BPD doesn't come from nowhere also.

One rather unfortunate thing happened. Please bear in mind that 60% of our relationship happens over the phone! I was forced  to tell her that I was broke, and could not deliver on any of the promises I made. At this point I was paying for her storage, her ticket to come, and sending her money when I could, but as for paying for the transport of furniture and the like it was out of the question. I was barely making it myself.. Stupidly it happened the same phone call where she confessed that the loss of her disability benefits was likely to be permanent. I said "baby I have to break up with you. I can't take care of you like I promised." She made me wait three days, called me and said "I won't allow you to break up with me". It was of the happiest days of my life. In my mind I was attempting an honourable discharge, I was giving her the chance to opt out of what was going to be a long and messy recovery. With concussion bottom line is one has to wait two years to figure out what has healed and what is likely to be chronic. Without short-term memory I can't work in my demanding profession. Period. Also I am not mobile, my job is very dependent on place. I made this clear when we started dating and that was why she was going to move here. So her choosing to stick with me through all these difficulties was a huge gesture. 

Now with hindsight (and also being able to think much more clearly as the pain receded) I see that this was the most stupid thing I could have done. It must have triggered all her abandonment issues at a very tough time in her life. It is since then that the recycling began.
Well, she came to visit sans furniture. After much dysregulation and many scenes we finally agreed that she was to find another place in her home town, spend three months there and three months with me, so that she can be with mom and also somewhat shielded from the chaos here. Luckily the business was managing to take care of both of us, just about, and she put in hard work when she was able.

Part of my reasoning revolved around the fact that I had not realized quite how difficult it is for her to relocate to a place where she knew only me. It requires an inordinate amount of trust. My location is also rather rural and so she was not mobile without me. You can imagine with a broken jaw and concussion how isolating that could be. And with such a history of broken relationships, inability to keep friendships, etc, I could not blame her for being very cautious. What was to happen to her if I freaked out? Well, I didn't, nothing like BPD in FOO to give you coping skills But now I am wondering if the "stay where you can keep an eye on mom" could not also be read as a rejection of sorts. I think she has antenna for anything that could be interpreted as such, especially since so much was at stake. 

Well, then she left, I thought everything was hunky dory and two weeks after she returned to her hometown this break up happened. Over text message. I know. With difficulty I persuaded her into a break, rather than a break up, saying that at this point in her life she could not afford to rid herself of any support networks. And devoting myself throughout the summer to demonstrating that she could trust me as a friend and business partner. After Labor Day I said, "well, what about it?" She has consistently refused to talk about it over the phone, saying that when she comes we will talk. The uncertainty has been killing me, I would rather if I had to grieve and move on, or invest in staying, but spending four and a half months in limbo has been hell. I cannot get her to understand that when my needs for resolution are not met it is as damaging as trying to push her into a decision she is not ready for. We have been unable to find a middle ground and so I let her have her way (not without much resentment). As for my abandonment issues, let's not even go there. I must say I have come a long way over the years, time was when this stuff would have had me spiraling into uncontrollable depression. But it was really not a time of my life when I could afford a resuscitation of my  issues.

On the positive side this has worked out rather well. She has discovered in herself the ability to look after herself, found a lovely place and in fact makes more money now than she did on disability. Has also started to make what seems to be rather nice friends.

Problem is in the meantime I have also had much time to think. And now I am wondering if any of this makes any sense? I mean committing to long distance for life is a lot. I have a cousin whose husband is a seaman and they have been doing it for 35 years but is it really what I want with my life?  My views of marriage are very old-fashioned, I like to sleep together, wake up together, enjoy the quiet twilight together when the days' work is done. Am a nutter for affection and when she is gone I really start to notice it after a couple of months. Plus the constant parting drives both of us crazy, it never happens without major dysregulation.  I hate the internet and used to switch it off when I wasn't working. Now I am in this weird place of needing to be available when she calls  (huge time difference), lonely but never really able to switch off. I like being alone, needed to spend plenty of time with myself especially after all the goings on. But am also at that stage of recovery when I want to enjoy life. I am not dead and feel that needs to be celebrated brightly and with joy. Months of lonely pining is not what I had in mind.  And if there are problems of object constancy and break up every time she is gone than no. It seems rather too convenient for her and filled with pain for me.

So will be arranging to have a family member come live with me, am not getting any younger and need to set up arrangements to create safety and stop me from brooding. This I am looking forward to.

I still have to find a way of expressing that I do not want to do an injustice to myself. I would hate myself if I found I had committed to a bargain that I actually cannot live with.

So here is the deal:
Value: couples ought to stay together
Boundary: if we commit we are going to have to spend at least 7 months (the majority) of the year together.
Action: Communicate my fears and see if we can reach an agreement that works for both of us.

My problem is this: is there any way to communicate this without triggering abandonment and rejection issues?

Advice and insights would be much appreciated! 
   

[khibomsis]

Thought I should update this thread. Beloved has come and gone, it was great in parts and horrible in parts. I practiced not to JADE, and am getting better at it all the time. I also learnt that it is fatal to mention our relationship status during dysregulation. When my abandonment issues come up against her fear of rejection it gets ugly. So we both are learning to steer away from the topic. I found murmuring soothing things, waiting until she calms down and then asking "what triggered you?" to be really helpful. We talked through lots of things that way.

So for right now we are together. That said, it was not uncomplicated. I found an e-mail open on my computer showing old exchanges between her and Ms Triangle far beyond the friendly (she had this habit of using my computer instead of her own). I personally think this was her way of telling me without telling me, if you see what I mean. Deeper probing revealed that they had kissed. She swore it was over and that the entanglement was the result of her dysfunction - which makes perfect sense. In fact, the communication we had about it was good and deep. I tend to believe her for the simple reason that they are so hopelessly unsuited. Narcissist and BPD spells "ugly" in my book. Normally at this point I would just sit back and wait for it to get real ugly.   

Now the complication is that Ms Triangle has fallen sick with cancer (relatively mild with 90% survival rate). Beloved showed me text messages to that effect. Now ordinarily I would simply say "..you either have no contact with her or no contact with me."   But I get it that it would be little harsh at this point. At the same time, this is driving me crazy. I can't seem to find a way to escape the triangle short of total break up.

The complicated part is that our conversations revealed to me that beloved really is not emotionally available for a relationship right now. She has a lot going on. We parted with her committing to interviewing therapists and sorting out her issues. she has some bad therapist experiences so this was a big ask and a big commitment. She is doing much better but has a long way to go, clearly.  We are also going to do an online DBT course together as soon as I can find one. So far so good.

But to give her the space she needs knowing all the while that she is in contact with Ms Triangle is too much. I am no saint. I am trying not to let the situation escalate hostility from my side. At the same time to be handling the loneliness, staying faithful, giving her space to sort her stuff and allowing compassion for Ms Triangle? It seems a big ask. And unrealistic expectations of either myself or her will create a situation bound to blow up at some point.
 
My plan (insofar as I have one) is to focus on the Khib life reclamation plan. Getting out of debt, sorting out back taxes, that sort of thing. I am mindful that the focus on beloved could well be an excuse to run away from the shambles of recovering from severe illness  so am confronting my life head on. A small still awareness that as a child of BPD I probably am far from 'normal' myself is helping to instill humility.  Also I have found a queer Codependents Anonymous meeting which I plan to attend.

If there is anything more I can do to stabilize the situation, I would appreciate input! Any advice would be welcome