Is anyone actually happy?

[waverider]

Is your partner a contribution to your happiness or are they the provider?

This is the real difference as to whether it is possible, or not, on the final balance

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  I am happy.  I'm also hopeful and confident that my future will be "happier" than things are now.  BPD doesn't have to be "fixed" in order for me to be happy.  My experience with this site and the tools and techniques (and seeing them work to improve things) is a big source of my happiness and hope for the future.  One critical "mindset" that I have gotten from this journey with BPD is that many times I need to "separate" myself from whatever is bothering my wife and let it bother her and let her figure it out.  Yes my "plans" get upset sometimes, but I have a number of "go to" standbys that I can do when BPD gets in the way.  Grabbing a kid or two (or just myself) and going fishing (while my wife figures out her issues) is a great standby activity to do.  Helping kids fish is a great source of happiness.   Last thought:  My nature is to be a "glass half full" kinda guy.  I try to focus on what I have, vice what I don't have.  Sure there are times the BPD thing gets me down.  I don't try to avoid the feelings.  They are real.  Feel them, do some thinking to see if there is a solution or a boundary that can be done better, and then get to work on something "I" can control to improve my situation.  Mindset is critical for long term BPD relationships.  If the focus of your life is how bad the BPD thing is, that is not good for your long term "happiness".                

FF

[Thread]

Cat

Again another true thought! I work on that very very hard! I get super into the business it's a thrill and exciting creating, so yes I am very mindful now to enjoy normal activity, but I have to really be mindful of those things for sure!

[Thread]

Waverider, I've definitely Learned to not rely on the h Bpd for happiness. There are times of happy with him, but I find fulfillment in other things now. I do however wish I could have some real heart to hearts with the man I married without it being about him and his feelings or him just walking away mid sentence. This is definitely not what I imagined marriage to be and find myself still in the depressed/denial stage of grief. Acceptance that this is our lot in life is hard. I do my best to focus on the golden nuggets of his positive attributes he brings to this marriage.

But this is a hard question that I feel I need to mull over more. Small statement but mug thoughts!

[Thread]

Steve

I can very much empathize with you! I felt like I was reading a picture of my own life. Part of me also feels badly due to not knowing ever if I want to stay or go. I feel like how horrible for the other person who is very sensitive and can probably always sense I'm on the fense.

[ColdEthyl]

I am happy. With that being said, I am not always happy, and there are times I want to rip my hair out. But, the more tools I learn, the more I practice mindfulness, the more I take myself out of the equation when he is having a dysregulation (IE not taking things personal, not expecting him to be able to do things he can't do), the better it gets. The reasons why I love spending time with him and love him are interwoven with the things that drive me nuts. It's a package deal.

As everyone said, every relationship has it's ups and downs, but a BPD relationship just dips more often, and dips and higher and lower than a 'normal' relationship.

[steve195915]

Steve

I can very much empathize with you! I felt like I was reading a picture of my own life. Part of me also feels badly due to not knowing ever if I want to stay or go. I feel like how horrible for the other person who is very sensitive and can probably always sense I'm on the fense.

I often wonder if my BPDgf can sense that I'm having thoughts of ending this roller coaster ride.  I always act positive around her even when I'm having doubts and have convinced myself that I am in this permanently unless she initiates a breakup, or cheats in any way.  Weird thing is sometimes I feel like she is on the fence and this feeling occurs when she is verbally abusive and puts me down or makes completely unjustified accusations of me cheating. I think if she truly thinks I am cheating, why would she still be with me or maybe she will use that to justify her cheating.  When she puts me down I wonder why she would want to be with someone she thinks so lowly of.  I'm now trying to attribute her words as just part of her insecurities and mental illness and trying to be optomistic. 

[unicorn2014]

Steve I can relate to being on the fence. Even though I'm on the staying board I'm still undecided. In my case I'm waiting for something to happen. The question is how long will I wait?

[ColdEthyl]

I think if she truly thinks I am cheating, why would she still be with me or maybe she will use that to justify her cheating.  When she puts me down I wonder why she would want to be with someone she thinks so lowly of.  I'm now trying to attribute her words as just part of her insecurities and mental illness and trying to be optomistic. 

Her words ARE a part of her insecurities. Have you ever heard the phrase, "You don't have to put my light out to make yours shine brighter."? To a pwBPD, you do or your light isn't worth anything.

They do not process negative feelings well (or positive, for that matter). It's not meant to be abusive to us, rather it's a reflection of the turmoil going on inside them. It took me a long time to learn to step back and listen to what my husband is NOT saying, rather than what he is. It's still tough sometimes. I still let some of what he might say get to me. But when i can refocus my mind, the hurt sheds off. He is mentally ill. He does not think the way I think. I cannot expect him to.

[unicorn2014]

Cold ethyl, do you ever get tired of having to have compassion for a mentally ill person?

[ColdEthyl]

Of course I do. Even caregivers of physically disabled people get tired sometimes. But, my son is Asperger's, my brother is paranoid schizophrenic, and my husband is BPD. I have dealt with the mentally ill my whole life. What makes a difference to me with whether or not someone is actively trying to get better. Right now, my husband does. He has opened up and talked so much more than I ever expected. He now admits fault when he couldn't previously. He is respecting boundaries. He works with me on our relationship and we continue to grow together as people.

That's more than most 'normal' spouses are capable of.

I put myself in his shoes. I would hope like heck someone would be there to love and care about me if I was having those kinds of issues. I can't imagine what he goes through, what my son goes through, what my brother goes through, etc.

When I start to feel burnt out, I take time for me. I go out doing some photography alone for an afternoon, or I play some video games, or I go to the local bookstore and enjoy a nice coffee and novel.

It's important to take care of yourself, too.

[steve195915]

Steve I can relate to being on the fence. Even though I'm on the staying board I'm still undecided. In my case I'm waiting for something to happen. The question is how long will I wait?

I'm in the same boat, waiting for something to happen.  I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic and trying my best to make things work but at the same time I'm reading the other boards on recovering or getting over a BPD relationship and trying to get myself strong and learning how to keep NC in case we do break up again.  I don't want to be in a recycled again.  I guess I'm waiting for something bad to happen, I know she won't get better and that we live happily ever after.  The most positive I can expect is to manage any of her outbursts, and for me to not take her verbal abuse personally and for the relationship to be slightly better.  I also think I don't want to get married to her and be 'stuck' if she does do bad things.  Eventually she'll want to be married, maybe early next year, so I am waiting to see what will happen to our relationship then.  

So what are you waiting for or expecting?

[Moselle]

I think happiness is directly related to the level of gratitude we experience. 

Regardless of the circumstance there is always something to be grateful for and thus always something to be happy about.

[ColdEthyl]

I think happiness is directly related to the level of gratitude we experience. 

Regardless of the circumstance there is always something to be grateful for and thus always something to be happy about.

Hence my quote on here haha

[unicorn2014]

Of course I do. Even caregivers of physically disabled people get tired sometimes. But, my son is Asperger's, my brother is paranoid schizophrenic, and my husband is BPD. I have dealt with the mentally ill my whole life. What makes a difference to me with whether or not someone is actively trying to get better. Right now, my husband does. He has opened up and talked so much more than I ever expected. He now admits fault when he couldn't previously. He is respecting boundaries. He works with me on our relationship and we continue to grow together as people.

That's more than most 'normal' spouses are capable of.

I put myself in his shoes. I would hope like heck someone would be there to love and care about me if I was having those kinds of issues. I can't imagine what he goes through, what my son goes through, what my brother goes through, etc.

When I start to feel burnt out, I take time for me. I go out doing some photography alone for an afternoon, or I play some video games, or I go to the local bookstore and enjoy a nice coffee and novel.

It's important to take care of yourself, too.

Yes I hear you and my SO is doing things to improve like taking medication and rebuilding a relationship with his family. He's not in therapy or DBT but at least he's doing some things, so I can't totally complain.

[unicorn2014]

Steve I can relate to being on the fence. Even though I'm on the staying board I'm still undecided. In my case I'm waiting for something to happen. The question is how long will I wait?

I'm in the same boat, waiting for something to happen.  I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic and trying my best to make things work but at the same time I'm reading the other boards on recovering or getting over a BPD relationship and trying to get myself strong and learning how to keep NC in case we do break up again.  I don't want to be in a recycled again.  I guess I'm waiting for something bad to happen, I know she won't get better and that we live happily ever after.  The most positive I can expect is to manage any of her outbursts, and for me to not take her verbal abuse personally and for the relationship to be slightly better.  I also think I don't want to get married to her and be 'stuck' if she does do bad things.  Eventually she'll want to be married, maybe early next year, so I am waiting to see what will happen to our relationship then. 

So what are you waiting for or expecting?

Hi Steve, I take it you're not familiar with my story. I'm waiting for my SO to divorce and relocate. Its been 3 years.

[Thread]

Steve,

Just remember a lot of what she's accusing you of doing is really what she feels about herself. Remember a lot of their stuff they pin on you is actually projection.

My h Bpd totally will be escalating and while he is losing it to the point of shaking, he will be yelling at me "you're escalating." While I'm calmly sitting staring at him like What the heck?

[Thread]

Moselle that's a nice quote, but even military men in battle suffer from PTSD under constant stress. I think happiness is yes the way you perceive things and what you chose to focus on, but it's very hard to remain content while someone you spend the majority of your time with is putting you down. Especially if they are not getting help. I am lucky mine is. But if it goes back to like before I don't think any person would be able to be happy in a emotionally abusive environment.

[formflier]

 I don't think any person would be able to be happy in a emotionally abusive environment.  

         I agree with this statement.  That is why boundaries are important.  Each person has a choice, and a responsibility for what environment they chose to be in.          

FF

[ColdEthyl]

I don't think any person would be able to be happy in a emotionally abusive environment.

I agree with this statement.  That is why boundaries are important.

Each person has a choice, and a responsibility for what environment they chose to be in.

FF

Exactly. That was a huge boundary that I put into place that he does respect. No more name calling. When he starts, I tell him I care about what he is thinking and feeling but I will not listen if he is going to be rude. If he continues, I tell him I am going to leave until he decides to be civil, and I will be back in 15 minutes. If he is calm, we will talk again.

So far, twice I've had to threaten to walk out of the room (but didn't have to actually do it), and both times he stopped his name calling. This has been over a year period, so that's pretty good.

[formflier]

   So far, twice I've had to threaten to walk out of the room (but didn't have to actually do it), and both times he stopped his name calling. This has been over a year period, so that's pretty good.

         Way to go!      Unfortunately, I tolerated name calling for far to long.  I just didn't know better.  I still occasionally have to walk out.  My walking out has made things much, much better.          

FF

[ColdEthyl]

So far, twice I've had to threaten to walk out of the room (but didn't have to actually do it), and both times he stopped his name calling. This has been over a year period, so that's pretty good.

Way to go!   

Unfortunately, I tolerated name calling for far to long.  I just didn't know better.  I still occasionally have to walk out.

My walking out has made things much, much better.

FF

*nods* I really was surprised at how quickly he took to the boundary. Coming to this site has been a lifesaver for me.  I didn't know before coming here that pwBPD actually prefer to have someone setting down what is and is not acceptable. He bucks and fights sometimes... .but wow it's such a huge difference than in the beginning.

[waverider]

This is the irony, they dont have structure or consistency, as a result they need others to provide this. meanwhile they do everything to undermine your structure and stability, then they disrespect the persona they turned you into...

ie They trash what they need, then complain when its trashed...

In order to press on through this you need self confidence and determination. This is why you need your head outside the relationship, as conditions within are not conducive for building that ability

[ColdEthyl]

ie They trash what they need, then complain when its trashed...

That fits right into the other thread about getting them to help with chores. They complain about the mess... .but make the mess and don't clean themselves. Then, they blame you for it.

[Moselle]

This is the irony, they dont have structure or consistency, as a result they need others to provide this. meanwhile they do everything to undermine your structure and stability, then they disrespect the persona they turned you into...

This is quite profound and true!

Thanks Waverider, you have just cast a ray of light on my understanding.

My structure and stability is coming back... .slowly... .

but surely.☺

[Cat Familiar]

This is the irony, they dont have structure or consistency, as a result they need others to provide this. meanwhile they do everything to undermine your structure and stability, then they disrespect the persona they turned you into...

I never knew I was such a taskmaster, a perfectionist, so driven until I got together with a pwBPD.    I certainly don't see any of those qualities in myself. Rather I think of myself as quite lazy. 

[waverider]

This is the irony, they dont have structure or consistency, as a result they need others to provide this. meanwhile they do everything to undermine your structure and stability, then they disrespect the persona they turned you into...

I never knew I was such a taskmaster, a perfectionist, so driven until I got together with a pwBPD.    I certainly don't see any of those qualities in myself. Rather I think of myself as quite lazy. 

They dont always latch on to ideal role models either, in fact those they should latch on to probably would'nt get involved the first place... which is a whole new topic...

[Mutt]

The topic of discussion has reached it's post limit and is now locked. Its a worthwhile topic and you can start a similar or new topic. Thanks.