Things were going too well...

[Infern0]

Alas, I feel i am doomed to dance this dance over and over.

Been back in contact for two months now, after I reached out at the behest of a mutual friend over concerns for her wellbeing

Started out a coffee as friends to talk things through, it was less than a week before i was getting xoxo after every text, the "love you's" soon followed.

Drawn back in

Then her idea to spend some quality time together, I thought it would be a great idea as there had not been much of that for a very long time, reducing most of our contact this last year to online messaging etc.

Also, these last two months she had been very open with me, and in constant contact, meeting regularly, she was much more like the old idealising version than the out of control, game playing banshee of recent times. So i thought, maybe this can work... .

We agreed, all was set, then it happened... .

I knew the anvil would drop and soon enough, another of our mutual friends decided this was the moment to reveal some of my BPD's "exploits" in the time we were broken up... .needless to say what I heard was something I really wish i hadn't, I lost emotional self control, and tried to end things. She panicked, threw out all the lines, disregulated, split me, then split me white again, begged me to not ruin things now they were starting to get good again.

I considered things and realized, well... .we weren't together, there was no commitment, what she had done disgusted me but... .i can forgive it due only to the fact we were not together... .she hadn't "cheated" it was enough for forgiveness.

So i forgave, then... .she cancels our plans together, says that her "commitment issues" have flared up, etc etc.

The last few days we have managed to stay sort of on track, but i feel like we are really back at square one again. Contact from her end has dropped BIG TIME, she is hot and cold on her messages again, and i feel the storm clouds gathering.

Ahhh.

What is normal?

I can't remember anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi infern0

it is tough to feel doomed to dance this dance over and over again.  discouraging and frustrating as all heck.   

here is what I have learned through my time here.   

there is a way off the dance floor. 

I can not rely on my partner to lead us off the dance floor.   she doesn't have the skill and tools to do it.   

for a long time,  I didn't have the skills and tools either.   but I could learn them   and slowly I have.   and I continue too.     it's not been easy.   

for me,  I grew to understand that the idealizing version of my partner came with an attachment,  the part of her that gets overwhelmed and emotionally insecure.   I don't want either extreme any longer  but if I am going to accept the good times I need to understand the bad times and work to integrate appropriate responses to both ends of the spectrum.   that was my responsibility to myself and to the relationship.   

I found my answers in the Lessons, in therapy and by continually focusing my attention back on myself.

while she is going through this time of difficulty what would you like to concentrate on to help you?

'ducks