At the end of my tether with adult daughter.

[Laine]

Hi just wanted to introduce myself.  I am suffering severe anxiety and depression.  My daughter has been diagnosed for 12 years with Bipolar but I have read a lot and researched BPD and I am sure there is a misdiagnosis or the 2 disorders running together.
Just to off load a little  My daughter is in her early 40s.  She is single and live 100 miles away from me.   I somehow by fear and manipulation I have become her emotional punchbag.  Her financial provider and everything else she wants to drop on me.  She has mildly OD in the past and uses this to frighten me. I am terrified when I get a text or mobile rings because it means trouble. She is very depressed at the moment and has been for long time but says crisis care team are no good.   She says she would "finish herself off"  rather than come back to live here but cannot afford to stay in the affluent area she live now.  She says only thing she can do is pay privately for therapy and says she needs it quick before its too late. Leaving me scared and very anxious. The implication is that I come up with the money  for it.  She lies to me, bullies me,  talks to me like dirt and very clever at manipulation.  I have given her money until I haven't anything left to give.  I live on old age pension.   It hasn't helped at all, she just  lurches from one crisis to another.   She has a very unhealthy obsession with an ex-boyfriend who was only using her and treating her very badly.  This weekend after drinking she started harrassing him be
text and social media again.   Although he is as bad as her, goading her on social media etc. Drinking seems a problem for both of them. He now says he is going to report her to the police again.He did this last year and although nothing came of it, we had 3 months of worry waiting for the outcome.   Now she has started doing it again!    There is much much of this long saga I could go on about, but thank you if you have got this far in  reading this.  I literally have no support. I am separated from her father after 40 years,  30 of those being abusive and chaotic.  I stayed because I had ME now called CFS. which had almost gone after a couple of years of separation but with all the stress from my daughter had now returned.  The most depressing part is that I cannot see how this nightmare is going to end and I feel to weak and ill to cope.
Sorry for the rant but all advise would gratefully received.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mothrof3+2+2]

Sorry, don't have much advice for you.  My heart goes out to you.  i am at the beginning of your journey.  I have 3 teenagers with BPD and I am very scared for what the future brings.  It is a hard struggle to love these children and watch them make such bad choices for themselves and then have them expect your to fix it financially and emotionally.  I feel like I have nothing left to give and you have been doing it for 20 more years than me.  Two of mine have trouble with drinking already.  It seems to be common thread with these children.  I am not sure what to do about all of it.  I am trying hard to learn to set limits and take care of myself so that I can survive this.  I have 3 more younger children to take care of.  For me I am trying to let go of the things that are not mine to take care of like the bad choices my children make and take better care of myself.  It seemed selfish at first but it is just necessary for my survival.  I can't keep going like this.  So I guess that is my  suggestion, take care of yourself.  My heart goes out to you.

[Laine]

Thank you mothrof3+2+2 for taking time to reply.  I can really empathise with your situation.
I think you are correct in  looking after yourself.   In retrospect had I realised what was ahead I wold have done the same and would have set strong boundaries.  Being teenagers hopefully you will still be able to do this  and save yourself and rest of the family a lot of stress and heartache.
Also I think detaching with love and letting them make their own mistakes may be difficult but had I have done that also I wouldn't be in the position I am today.   You have the  advantage of awareness whereas I slid into it insidiously.  Stay strong, I wish you all best wishes for the future.


 

[wendydarling]

Hello Laine

 

Welcome, welcome to you    I'm so sorry you are suffering anxiety and depression, many of us do, here we do our best, turn it on it's head together, put on our oxygen mask on first, come through to a better place together  

Laine, communicating boundaries, setting limits never comes too late, us parents are all here to support you.    Take your good time, have a look at the communication tools and lessons to your right   You can get off your daughter's rollercoaster, step out of her drama will likely help her.

I have a simple 3 point plan that works for me, handing responsibility to my DD
1. Health
2. Work, or not
3. Independent living

I'm at point 2 at the mo.

How might your simple plan look like in your unique situation, handing responsibility to you daughter? You've mentioned financials - you're drawing a pension, you are a punch bag ... .

Great rant, we all do from time to time, blow out. This is a safe and loving space you've joined  

We are here walking with you, always.

WDx  

[201lady]

My wife and I never expected our adult daughter would end up with BPF . We never saw her hurt, sad or depressed during her upbringing. I know it was probably tough going thru HS as a teacher’s Ken d. She never expressed that to us until now at 40 years old. She says we love her brother more than her. Here brother was in a lot of sports through the HS years. My daughter had more HS friends then I ever did.

She volunteered during summer at a play theater during her HS years. We always went to a performance and supported her. That wasn’t enough as she says u went to all of my brother’s sport games. U don’t care about me ( untruthful).  

We always saw her until beat and cheerful. We did a lot of things as a family... .many vacations together. We supported her thru her college years and again alts attended her plays and concerts.  

We paid for her wedding. My wife and I did a lot to help her and her husband paint the house, outside and inside as well as weeded her garden and mowed her lawn and sealed her driveway. We help put down a lament floor. None appreciated or remembered.  

Unfortunately , her husband and she divorced after 7 years ... .got into several arguments. And started drinking.

She has had a drinking problem for many years but denies help. She ha been unemployed now 2 years but is trying to get a job. We encourage her in whatever she does.  

She has lived home for the last two years but living together has been very chaotic

Again, we never had an argument in her teenage years.

Now she swears and goes into a rage with us. I am not sure how long we can live together.  

She has had a real struggle with her bf in a long distance relationship. We are trying to cut off as much financial support so we can stop the alcohol use. I have been reading some good books about BPD and trying to be educated as well as seek support from this web site. Any help would be appreciated. Going to counseling for ourselves.

Never thought here in our retirement years we would be facing this problem but know it will s an illness. I have apologized several times for my failing as her father. How could I hurt someone that I love so much. Why can she not find or remember some of the good memories... .music concerts, pop music, vacations, family togetherness?  

Looking for serenity and help. Dad

[Yat4]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTg16xz1U30&index=2&list=LLi-MRspCIUPMHR4hMBbObDg&t=0s   At the end with my daughter.  just trying to save the grankids.

[Cerasoli]

Laine, I am so sorry you are going through this, I am in the middle of a  difficult saga with my adult daughter too.  Not the same scenario but your feelings I can recognise.  Feelings of hopelessness and the hurt never goes away.  With me I just keep hoping she will come to  her senses but like you I am the punching bag.  I hope this gets sorted for you and that you get some peace for a while.  It is good to know that at least someone out there understands what it  is like to live with this going on in  your life.  Today the weather was beautiful here and I went for a walk and I did actually get some peace realising that  all I had to do was live this 24 hours because we never know what's going to happen. So I am sending you lots of positive vibes for you to have the strength to deal with your daughter and we will go ahead together being strong.