So... apparently she's married.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Sorry it's been a while since I posted. My husband and I went to FL to visit his family for Christmas... .  it was delightfully normal in its insanity and for as frustrating as it was, it was nothing compared to what I came home to.

Mom and I have been NC for several months now. She had gotten to the point where she was only calling when she needed something (which really hasn't changed) and when she was interested in playing for sympathy (which also hasn't changed). She disowned me two years ago (after my stepfather's death) and tried to make nice about 6 months later because she wanted to remarry and the new man wouldn't marry her if she wasn't nice with all five of her kids. Well, my older sister got back in mom's good graces, but I always kept my distance after that. I am still very hurt by the things she said when she kicked me out of her life and a quick "I'm sorry" doesn't make up for that.

My younger brother also doesn't have contact anymore. He was 16 when his father died and mom wanting to remarry immediately (she started dating 8 weeks later) drove him up the wall. Mom guilted him and attempted to manipulate him, then she attempted to get every kid on her side and against him because he was being "unreasonable" and needed to understand her needs. He moved out. He's currently attending university but he's been trying to stay off of mom's radar. He gives her no number, and until my sister decided to get nosy and figure out where he went to college (that is a whole other post) so that she could win mom's affection, mom didn't even know where he went to school. Months went by without a word from mom.

Mom was in an accident that left her in a wheelchair a few months ago. I found out through my oldest brother, despite my sister telling him that I had "no right to know." I sent her a note that told her I loved her and hoped she'd have a quick recovery. Nothing.

Then, two days after the anniversary of my stepfather's death, my oldest brother called. "So... .  mom got remarried." he said. Again? The last I had heard, she was going through divorce with the last guy. Apparently, the day that the paperwork became official, she remarried some new guy.

My younger brother (at college) and I talked about it. He said "This is where she will try to have some kumbayah moment where she pretends we all should be a family and we're all jerks if we don't comply even though she's obviously acting irrationally."

Sure enough... .  

I got a text message from her yesterday for the first time in ages. She was in a town close to where my (NC) brother was and wanted to meet him for lunch. She asked me to call him. I told her he wasn't answering the phone. She immediately sent me a text of "I'm walking a little now... .  but with a gimp... .  " and asked me to try again since she had paperwork to give my brother.

Now, I don't want to sound like a totally uncaring creep, but if it wasn't this injury it would be something else. It is a little like someone trying to open a safe. She will try every combination until you crack. With me, she starts by evoking sympathy, then guilting, then manipulation, followed by shaming, and usually threatening. When that doesn't work she escalates to cussing, slandering, and finally disowning (she does that pretty often, anymore).

My brother called it. And I think the worst part is that she doesn't actually want to talk to me. She wants to talk to him. I'm just that (insert horrible word) who abandoned her and got married. My brother is still salvageable (she thinks) and now that she's married she wants to get all of her baby chickens under one roof again.

Anyway. That was a long way to get around to the shortest point. I'm so fed up with this crap. I feel used. I feel stomped on. And I am tired of this. She got married and didn't even bother to send me a text... .  (last time she texted me a picture of her at the altar. That was how I found out she was even considering marrying that guy). I just quit.

But I have no idea what to do. We were in contact for the holidays and I think the best bet may be to go back to NC for the rest of the year. It just sucks because I'm back to having night terrors and I'm back to feeling like a monumental failure because I fit nowhere... .  because my family is in pieces as a result of this mess. My husband is very understanding... .  but his family is a normal dysfunctional. Mine is a nightmare. And now I'm stuck right back on that damned cycle I was on before.

What the heck do I do with this?

[Tumbleweed]

Sorry it's been a while since I posted. My husband and I went to FL to visit his family for Christmas... .  it was delightfully normal in its insanity and for as frustrating as it was, it was nothing compared to what I came home to.

Mom and I have been NC for several months now. She had gotten to the point where she was only calling when she needed something (which really hasn't changed) and when she was interested in playing for sympathy (which also hasn't changed). She disowned me two years ago (after my stepfather's death) and tried to make nice about 6 months later because she wanted to remarry and the new man wouldn't marry her if she wasn't nice with all five of her kids. Well, my older sister got back in mom's good graces, but I always kept my distance after that. I am still very hurt by the things she said when she kicked me out of her life and a quick "I'm sorry" doesn't make up for that.

My younger brother also doesn't have contact anymore. He was 16 when his father died and mom wanting to remarry immediately (she started dating 8 weeks later) drove him up the wall. Mom guilted him and attempted to manipulate him, then she attempted to get every kid on her side and against him because he was being "unreasonable" and needed to understand her needs. He moved out. He's currently attending university but he's been trying to stay off of mom's radar. He gives her no number, and until my sister decided to get nosy and figure out where he went to college (that is a whole other post) so that she could win mom's affection, mom didn't even know where he went to school. Months went by without a word from mom.

Mom was in an accident that left her in a wheelchair a few months ago. I found out through my oldest brother, despite my sister telling him that I had "no right to know." I sent her a note that told her I loved her and hoped she'd have a quick recovery. Nothing.

Then, two days after the anniversary of my stepfather's death, my oldest brother called. "So... .  mom got remarried." he said. Again? The last I had heard, she was going through divorce with the last guy. Apparently, the day that the paperwork became official, she remarried some new guy.

My younger brother (at college) and I talked about it. He said "This is where she will try to have some kumbayah moment where she pretends we all should be a family and we're all jerks if we don't comply even though she's obviously acting irrationally."

Sure enough... .  

I got a text message from her yesterday for the first time in ages. She was in a town close to where my (NC) brother was and wanted to meet him for lunch. She asked me to call him. I told her he wasn't answering the phone. She immediately sent me a text of "I'm walking a little now... .  but with a gimp... .  " and asked me to try again since she had paperwork to give my brother.

Now, I don't want to sound like a totally uncaring creep, but if it wasn't this injury it would be something else. It is a little like someone trying to open a safe. She will try every combination until you crack. With me, she starts by evoking sympathy, then guilting, then manipulation, followed by shaming, and usually threatening. When that doesn't work she escalates to cussing, slandering, and finally disowning (she does that pretty often, anymore).

My brother called it. And I think the worst part is that she doesn't actually want to talk to me. She wants to talk to him. I'm just that (insert horrible word) who abandoned her and got married. My brother is still salvageable (she thinks) and now that she's married she wants to get all of her baby chickens under one roof again.

Anyway. That was a long way to get around to the shortest point. I'm so fed up with this crap. I feel used. I feel stomped on. And I am tired of this. She got married and didn't even bother to send me a text... .  (last time she texted me a picture of her at the altar. That was how I found out she was even considering marrying that guy). I just quit.

But I have no idea what to do. We were in contact for the holidays and I think the best bet may be to go back to NC for the rest of the year. It just sucks because I'm back to having night terrors and I'm back to feeling like a monumental failure because I fit nowhere... .  because my family is in pieces as a result of this mess. My husband is very understanding... .  but his family is a normal dysfunctional. Mine is a nightmare. And now I'm stuck right back on that damned cycle I was on before.

What the heck do I do with this?

[bpdfamfan]

"It is a little like someone trying to open a safe. She will try every combination until you crack. With me, she starts by evoking sympathy, then guilting, then manipulation, followed by shaming, and usually threatening. When that doesn't work she escalates to cussing, slandering, and finally disowning (she does that pretty often, anymore). "

I think you have excellent insight as to how things go when it comes to your mom (& older sister) & it would be wise to keep your distance again.  Very low or no contact is sometimes the only way to maintain your own sanity.  The recent interactions have had a negative impact on you.

 Cherish & nurture the good relationships you do have with (some) siblings.   

Time to pull back & take care of yourself. 

[MKG1015]

It just sucks because I'm back to having night terrors and I'm back to feeling like a monumental failure because I fit nowhere... .  because my family is in pieces as a result of this mess. My husband is very understanding... .  but his family is a normal dysfunctional. Mine is a nightmare. And now I'm stuck right back on that damned cycle I was on before.

Wow... .  have we met?  I have had these same feelings and I too am back to night terrors and sobbing in my sleep. That being said I disagree with you. You do fit somewhere, you fit with your husband. I am assuming you also fit with his family. Let that be enough for now. I am one to talk as I am having a hard time with myself but, it has helped. My husband has a sister who loves me but is afraid to get close b/c she can tell I am "wounded." My husband told me she really loves the idea of having a sister and wants to be one to me. I only have to let her. Maybe the same is true for your husband's family? All of us kids with BPD parents are guarded (we had to be) but eventually we are going to have to let the guard down.

Hang in there with siblings they need you as much as you need them.

[Cordelia]

My mom also got remarried and didn't tell me.  I had already decided to go NC, and had sent her a letter to that effect, so I was somewhat suspicious that this was a bid to suck me in again.  I also thought maybe it was a practical move, that she needed someone new to take care of her, since I had made clear I was not available.  Either way, I definitely get the weird empty feeling.  My sister got a similar text, after 2 years of silence, just to find out where someone else was.  It's so awful.  My sister responded, with the info requested and a friendly inquiry of how she's doing, expressing a desire to get together and catch up, etc., which was ignored.  I say just ignore any communication from her.  Don't respond.  Don't be her information-gatherer.  Concentrate on your life and leave this mess behind you.  Honestly with my mom, the less I know the better.  All I want from her is to leave me alone. 

[Tumbleweed]

The more this goes on, the more the "I just want her to leave me alone" is taking effect. This whole situation is a hot mess.

MKG1O15--My husband reminded me that I fit with him the other night also. I am grateful for that much connection. I think I'm just trying to break the habit of looking to what we call my "traditional" family for a place to belong. My non-traditional and new family (people who have symbolically adopted me and the family I'm creating with my husband) definitely give me that place. I just need to learn to quit looking for the same feeling in the old place. Maybe that's hard because we're taught from a young age that the traditional family (of all places) should be where we belong... .  

Does anyone else ever feel like this whole process is a giant merry-go-round with the horses that go up and down while you spin around until you get sick? And when you start the contact, your ride starts up again and you can't get off. I thought I had finally jumped off of the stupid ride and quit the carnival all together. I really just need to re-group.