Spin Cycle

I am new here. In my 40's, 3 children and a 20+ year marriage to a wonderful man. I come from a very dysfunctional family, but I was lucky enough to get counseling early on and understood that I was not the problem. One therapist I went to suggested my mother had BPD. I filed that away and have read a few books on it. I think it is probably accurate, but she has never been diagnosed and probably never will be. She is not the type to go get help. Everything is always someone else's fault.

My mother and father divorced years ago and he is evil as far as she is concerned. It is impossible to have a conversation with her without some mention of how awful my father is. It is incredibly difficult for her to have a two sentence exchange with him, but then she'll turn around and tell me that she thinks she has a very good relationship with my father. My mother is an eternal victim. She is always "forced" into her choices. My father is very narcissistic, but I find his behavior easier to predict than hers. He has constructed a relatively functional public persona and as long as you have no expectations of him, it is possible to get along. He seems to have a basic awareness that he's missing a chip and it is sort of sad because at some level that troubles him. I see him about twice a year.

My mother won't often come to visit her grandchildren at my house because her mother never came to visit her. I live less than an hour away from my mother. She lived close to 3 hours away from hers. If I don't take my children to my mother, they wouldn't see her.

This week, my mother finally decided to come visit. This was the first visit in 6 months at my home. It went great! The kids were thrilled. My mother even said she had fun which is huge because I am currently the "bad" daughter. I was happy that maybe things were getting better.

The next day I called my mother to say thank you for coming and that I enjoyed her visit. Her voice sounded strange and I asked what was wrong. She said she had seen a book in my house that belonged in her house. She had decided that my husband had gone into her house, when she wasn't there, "borrowed" (meaning stolen) the book and a couple of others, shoved some candlesticks into the empty space on the bookshelf. She couldn't tell me which books were missing other than the one she saw at my house. She also claimed he had moved books from one room in her house into another room. She said there are things I don't know about my husband, which of course she does know. She has almost no contact with my husband.

I sat there with my heart pounding and a sick feeling in my stomach. None of it made any sense. My husband wouldn't go to her house and take a book, or move books around. We are hardly ever there. She felt so strongly that he had gone into her home that she told me she had removed the hidden outdoor key so that we can no longer go into her home. My brother and sister have their own keys her house. Just not me or my family.

I remembered that almost a year ago, my son had been studying for a competition. The "stolen" book was on the subject that he was studying. I remembered that my mother, lent me the book for my son to study. I had obviously forgotten to return it. I reminded her that my son had been studying and that she had lent me the book. She said that was possible, but she was much more attached to the idea that my husband had taken the book from her home, when she wasn't there, without her permission.

My mother attempts to drive wedges into every important relationship that I have. I barely have a relationship with my siblings. My mother feels threatened when my siblings and I are getting along. My sole purpose growing up was to support my mother. I was perfect as long as I was doing everything she wanted me to do. She didn't usually like the things I wanted to do. Social image was very important to her. I understand that ultimately my husband, children and I are better off with very limited contact with my mother, but it is hard to accept that I will never have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that I would have loved to have had. My mother can sometimes be just incredible, so it is really confusing.

I think after an episode like the "stolen book" one, my confidence gets a bit shattered and it takes a few days get my bearings again. I have a really good life, but my mother can make me feel insecure and confused in one conversation. I've got to work on that. I feel sorry for her, because it has to be hard to go through life with those thought patterns, but the damage she causes is significant. I know from a logical perspective that I'm not like my mom, but inside I carry a concern that I could be like her and not realize it ... . if that makes sense? I would never want to make any of my children feel the way she makes me feel. I tell them every day that they are good people. I admit my mistakes and make sure my kids know that no one is perfect and that not being perfect is OK. I would never put them in a position where they have to "parent" me. My husband and I support them in their interests, and don't expect them to mirror our interests.

Whew. I don't think there is any way things with my mother are going to get better. Her mother had some of the same characteristics. Sad. Scared to post, but going to do it anyways.



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