Ready to "face the facts"

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone!

While I am technically new to the site, I have had an account here before. I created one when I was 14 or so but was asked to leave because I was too young. I am 20 now, so I think Im okay to be here  .

Well, I feel like I could take pages and pages to write about my situation but I am going to  try and give everyone enough of an idea to understand whats going on.

My biological mother has BPD. The abuse from her started before I was even born. There is journal written by her outlining that she only got pregnant because my dad was wealthy and she would never have to want for anything... .but she wrote that  she already hated me. When I was an infant she told my dad that she was going to school in Berkeley (anthropology program) and would be gone for weeks at a time. Eventually, my dad caught her cheating and found out that there was no anthro program at UCB.

When they got divorced, she lied and said that my father had raped her. While this wasnt true, the lawyers begged my dad to settle to save his reputation. So, she was allowed to move me to the bay area where things only got worse.

She was able to convince me that my dad had sexually assaulted me. Its so hard to explain the whole brainwashing thing but I swear she created actually memories in my head. Fortunately, the court felt that my testimony (at age 8) was rather scripted and could see that I was close to my dad so the case was dropped.

While growing up, she always pressured me to drink with her, make her drinks, stay up late playing games with her etc. She treated me like her very best friend. All I had to do was mind and validate her. My whole existence was to tell her how right she was, how certain people didnt deserve her or " I cannot believe he did that to you!". "Us against the world baby" she would say to me. I have to admit, it felt good actually. I was needed and I served a purpose.

At 14 I saw how unhealthy this was and asked to move to live with my dad. I wanted to go to a good medical school and the high school where he lived had an amazing reputation for getting kids into great colleges. When I told her she threatened to drive me off a bridge. Then, when we got home she pretended to cut herself in the shower ... .then ignored me for weeks. Finally, she was served with paperwork. She was served when I was doing my bimonthly exchange to my dads house so I didnt know it was going to happen. By the end of the weekend, I hadnt heard from her about going back to get my things and finish the last few weeks of middle school so I called her. She told me that I was " a gangrene limb" that she had to "cut off" and threatened that if I ever called her again she would kill herself. So I didnt... .for four years.

My first year of college I called her and she was pretty receptive. I didnt get any apologies but she welcomed me back into her life and I got that same unhealthy high of being with her. I found out that she was told everyone that I had died so I had to play the role of the living twin sister and many strange other things.

So... .sorry for the long story. I left a lot out but thats the big picture. I am here because I am really struggling with everything. It may be that Im getting older but I am finding that all my instincts to love, protect and validate her are being replaced with anger and extreme sadness. I am considering writing a letter exposing everything that I know to be a lie. But I know that as soon as I do I will be painted black and lose her again, never knowing if shes ok.

Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot that anyone would take the time to read all that!

~finallyangry~

[finallyangry]

Hello everyone!

While I am technically new to the site, I have had an account here before. I created one when I was 14 or so but was asked to leave because I was too young. I am 20 now, so I think Im okay to be here  .

Well, I feel like I could take pages and pages to write about my situation but I am going to  try and give everyone enough of an idea to understand whats going on.

My biological mother has BPD. The abuse from her started before I was even born. There is journal written by her outlining that she only got pregnant because my dad was wealthy and she would never have to want for anything... .but she wrote that  she already hated me. When I was an infant she told my dad that she was going to school in Berkeley (anthropology program) and would be gone for weeks at a time. Eventually, my dad caught her cheating and found out that there was no anthro program at UCB.

When they got divorced, she lied and said that my father had raped her. While this wasnt true, the lawyers begged my dad to settle to save his reputation. So, she was allowed to move me to the bay area where things only got worse.

She was able to convince me that my dad had sexually assaulted me. Its so hard to explain the whole brainwashing thing but I swear she created actually memories in my head. Fortunately, the court felt that my testimony (at age 8) was rather scripted and could see that I was close to my dad so the case was dropped.

While growing up, she always pressured me to drink with her, make her drinks, stay up late playing games with her etc. She treated me like her very best friend. All I had to do was mind and validate her. My whole existence was to tell her how right she was, how certain people didnt deserve her or " I cannot believe he did that to you!". "Us against the world baby" she would say to me. I have to admit, it felt good actually. I was needed and I served a purpose.

At 14 I saw how unhealthy this was and asked to move to live with my dad. I wanted to go to a good medical school and the high school where he lived had an amazing reputation for getting kids into great colleges. When I told her she threatened to drive me off a bridge. Then, when we got home she pretended to cut herself in the shower ... .then ignored me for weeks. Finally, she was served with paperwork. She was served when I was doing my bimonthly exchange to my dads house so I didnt know it was going to happen. By the end of the weekend, I hadnt heard from her about going back to get my things and finish the last few weeks of middle school so I called her. She told me that I was " a gangrene limb" that she had to "cut off" and threatened that if I ever called her again she would kill herself. So I didnt... .for four years.

My first year of college I called her and she was pretty receptive. I didnt get any apologies but she welcomed me back into her life and I got that same unhealthy high of being with her. I found out that she was told everyone that I had died so I had to play the role of the living twin sister and many strange other things.

So... .sorry for the long story. I left a lot out but thats the big picture. I am here because I am really struggling with everything. It may be that Im getting older but I am finding that all my instincts to love, protect and validate her are being replaced with anger and extreme sadness. I am considering writing a letter exposing everything that I know to be a lie. But I know that as soon as I do I will be painted black and lose her again, never knowing if shes ok.

Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot that anyone would take the time to read all that!

~finallyangry~

[doubleAries]

hello finallyangry, and 

The part in your story about becoming the "living twin sister" really jumped out at me. This isn't the same thing, but still, eerily similar---when I was about 6 years old, my mom told me that I was a twin, but that I was so mean I kicked my twin out of the womb and killed her. This is a weird enough thing to tell your kid, but later in life I discovered that the whole thing was made up! All that time I thought she miscarried my twin sister and was blaming it on me, but in actuality, there was no twin at all!

In any case, you've come to the right place. We also have lots of resources--articles, workshops, videos--to help on this healing journey. Here's one that may be of interest: How to Forgive an Abusive Parent and this one here may be of real value to you as well The Five Stages of Non-BPD Recovery

Are you in any kind of counseling? Was your mom diagnosed with BPD, or do you just suspect that's what she has?

Looking forward to hearing some more from you.

doubleAries

[GeekyGirl]

Hi finallyangry,

Welcome (back)!   You've been through quite a lot--like doubleAries, my jaw dropped when I read about your role as the "living twin sister." That has to have been very difficult for you. I can understand how you're tired of feeling like you need to constantly validate your mother's feelings and protect her. That can be very exhausting.

How is your relationship with your mother now?

You've come to the right place for support. I encourage you to join the discussion here and check out the tools, especially the Survivor's Guide (to the right of this page). You may find that by setting some healthy boundaries with your mother that you can have a relationship with her without having to compromise so many of your needs. Here's a place to start: Boundaries Tools of Respect. doubleAries has also given you some good information.

Welcome again, and I look forward to seeing you around here.

[finallyangry]

 

Thank you so much for being so welcoming. Its certainly nice to be back. I mean, the people who love us try to understand but its nearly impossible unless its happened to you.

Things with my mom had been relatively dormant lately. She didnt contact me at all through the holidays which im sad to say was actually very nice. But last night she called to tell me she had ovarian cancer (this is the second or third time that she has said this). I called and she told me she couldnt talk about it and that her new bf would have to tell me. So he explained that there is a mass on her ovary and they are removing it thursday. He also said that they did a blood test to look for cancer markers and the results of that test will determine if they remove the whole ovary or just the mass. She got back on the phone ... .  it sounds weird but she was like a different person. She had a new voice almost and she said " you abondoned me. Im like scrap metal to you and you will never know how you hurt me until you have a child of your own".

Surprisingly, I replied by saying, "Someday you will see how little my move was about you". It was HUGE! Ive never been wonderful about standing up to her. She also said that calling my dads wife (who adopted me) mom was my dirty little secret. My response to that was, "If anyone has a dirty little secret its you for telling everyone that I am the living sister of some dead twin".

So... .  me 2 and her 0. It felt pretty awesome. She started talking about death and funeral arranging (I am a funeral director so it made sense I guess). We got off the phone and quickly my victory dance didnt feel so good and I just cried. It was like my being 14 all over again hearing about how she felt abandoned. I mean, if she only knew what I have to go through to defend to people why I care about her ... .  second best my ass.

So that was last night. Feel pretty okay today. Thank you for listening =]

[ss21463]

Wow - what a childhood you had.  Shows what strong character you have to have endured so much and turned out so well rounded.  My husband's mom has BPD and people always say "how did he turn out so well with a mother like that" - I can't imagine what he went thru as a child, probably something similar to you.  No child deserves that

[Oneneatguy]

Dear Finally Angry,

I read your post, it is an unbelievable saga that you went through.  You are right, if you haven't dealt with someone with BPD it's nearly impossible to understand, if you have dealt with someone with BPD, your story resonates deeply.

I felt very sad reading about the emotional abuse that you took from your mother.  I am sure the scars run deep. No one should be treated like that.  I applaud your courage and fortitude.

[GeekyGirl]

Good for you for standing up for yourself, finallyangry.  I'll bet it felt very validating to be able to tell your mother how you feel.

We got off the phone and quickly my victory dance didnt feel so good and I just cried. It was like my being 14 all over again hearing about how she felt abandoned. I mean, if she only knew what I have to go through to defend to people why I care about her ... .  second best my ass.

I'm just curious--what kind of emotions were you feeling after you got off of the phone?  It sounds like a lot of emotion hit you all at once, which is understandable after a phone call like that.

[finallyangry]

GeekyGirl,

Its really hard to explain all of what I was feeling. Maybe I could list all of them?

1) Confused by the fact that I  wasnt sad that my own mom just threw the "C" word at me. Cancer should be one of the worst things to hear from a parent and that wasn't even the part that phased me!

2) Angry that while "normal" people don't have to say, "My mom just said she had cancer... .  should I believe it?". Its like, if the fear of it being true isnt enough you always have to sift through your doubts. Which emotional ride am I on? My mom has cancer or my mom lies about cancer?

3) Probably some form of PTSD. When I made the move to my dads when I was 14 she said to me, on the phone,  "If you ever call me again, I will shoot myself on the phone so you can hear what youve done because you have abandoned me and I have no reason to live"... .  hearing that I abandoned her over the phone again was pretty rough.

4) Proud. I stood up to her and she didnt instantly paint me black. I did it! Big girl panties? Check

5) Scared. It sounded to me like she had a lot of drugs on board and alcohol . Its hard to see her going so far down the wrong path.

Thanks for asking =] Does that make sense ?