Update on Never-Ending Divorce

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I haven't posted here about my never-ending divorce in quite some time. Nothing new. Until now.

I have had a very bad week. For those who don't know my story: Married STBX eleven years ago, 20 year age difference between us. He comes from a monied family and lives on a trust. As a result, when we married there was a prenup. Throughout the marriage, STBX & I lived on a stipend from the trust.

STBX is low functioning, never held a job, has comorbid issues, and I had a Power of Attorney, so I could take care of paying bills, signing taxes, and the like.

STBX left in Summer 2017. I contacted STBX FIL shortly after and assured him I would attempt to keep the divorce amicable.

In response, my FIL cut off my access to any money, and I had to borrow from friends and family (I'm in my 60s) and go on early Social Security and food stamps. I was without access to money for 7 months.

STBX FIL, who is trustee, entered the negotiations Spring 2018, shortly after there was agreement on what kind of interim I would get.

I am in the marital home that was bought with money from that trust, and the first offer I made (back in Spring 2018) I requested the house.

Response to that offer was from my STBX and he "offered" to give me 1/3 of what the Prenup would have given me.

(Side note: in my state, a prenup cannot adversely affect a spouse's ability to collect alimony because the state does not want spouse's being dependent on the state, ie: food stamps, cash assistance.)

Excuse me, this is really a tangled cluster, and I am trying to make it as understandable as possible. So my STBX "counter offered" with less than the prenup. I counter offered by coming down a bit on the cash, still requesting to stay in the house.

Then nothing. Absolutely nothing. No offers.

However, I did hear from my L that the FIL wanted the marriage annulled, was told that would be bad optics to annul an 11-year marriage. He maintained I coerced my STBX into marrying me, so I could take control of "his money." Didn't  happen. Couldn't happen. I had no access to the trust, at all.

Along about this time, FIL hired a property manager to maintain the house where I'm living, because FIL had forbidden the CPA who had handled STBX's and my finances for more than 10 years, from speaking to me.

Under this arrangement, I have lost trash pick-up when there 2 dead squirrels in the bins. I was without A/C for weeks and opening a window was difficult because we have a pool--a pool I oversaw the installation of--and FIL would not fix the pool, and it turned into a breeding ground for mosquitoes.

I am angry about the way I have been treated. When I get this angry, I fight back. And sometimes when I'm fighting back, I stumble, let myself feel hurt, which is what happened yesterday.

We are moving for the second time into discovery and settlement facilitation. FIL has new attorney as his former attorneys would no longer work with him because he wouldn't listen or take advice and he kept nitpicking at the fees.

Well, we needed a modified Pretrial Scheduling Order. This new attorney, at the direction of FIL, has included there will be a motion to: 1) vacate the interim payments, and 2) evict me from the house.

My attorney sent that to me and told me that she wasn't worried, and that she'd like to see them argue in front of the judge or hearing office that I should be kicked out of my home with no money. She said she figuring they were trying to scare us.

I agree. That's my FIL's MO. Still, yesterday was awfully hard. I gave my all to my STBX, trying to help him get better. I spent 11 years doing that, putting myself on the proverbial back burner. (Won't happen again.)

Not only did I give my all to my STBX, I gave my all to his entire family. I ever had a conversation with FIL right before STBX left, and my FIL asked, "I don't know what you expect me to do." And I told him, "Be my family. That's all I need."

And three months later he cut me off. And now this. I bounce from hurt to anger to acceptance that my FIL is probably NPD or ASPD or something, and that what he does to me is no reflection on who I am but a reflection on who he is.

And that's about it. I needed to write this. I needed to share.
TMD

 

[toomanydogs]

I haven't posted here about my never-ending divorce in quite some time. Nothing new. Until now.

I have had a very bad week. For those who don't know my story: Married STBX eleven years ago, 20 year age difference between us. He comes from a monied family and lives on a trust. As a result, when we married there was a prenup. Throughout the marriage, STBX & I lived on a stipend from the trust.

STBX is low functioning, never held a job, has comorbid issues, and I had a Power of Attorney, so I could take care of paying bills, signing taxes, and the like.

STBX left in Summer 2017. I contacted STBX FIL shortly after and assured him I would attempt to keep the divorce amicable.

In response, my FIL cut off my access to any money, and I had to borrow from friends and family (I'm in my 60s) and go on early Social Security and food stamps. I was without access to money for 7 months.

STBX FIL, who is trustee, entered the negotiations Spring 2018, shortly after there was agreement on what kind of interim I would get.

I am in the marital home that was bought with money from that trust, and the first offer I made (back in Spring 2018) I requested the house.

Response to that offer was from my STBX and he "offered" to give me 1/3 of what the Prenup would have given me.

(Side note: in my state, a prenup cannot adversely affect a spouse's ability to collect alimony because the state does not want spouse's being dependent on the state, ie: food stamps, cash assistance.)

Excuse me, this is really a tangled cluster, and I am trying to make it as understandable as possible. So my STBX "counter offered" with less than the prenup. I counter offered by coming down a bit on the cash, still requesting to stay in the house.

Then nothing. Absolutely nothing. No offers.

However, I did hear from my L that the FIL wanted the marriage annulled, was told that would be bad optics to annul an 11-year marriage. He maintained I coerced my STBX into marrying me, so I could take control of "his money." Didn't  happen. Couldn't happen. I had no access to the trust, at all.

Along about this time, FIL hired a property manager to maintain the house where I'm living, because FIL had forbidden the CPA who had handled STBX's and my finances for more than 10 years, from speaking to me.

Under this arrangement, I have lost trash pick-up when there 2 dead squirrels in the bins. I was without A/C for weeks and opening a window was difficult because we have a pool--a pool I oversaw the installation of--and FIL would not fix the pool, and it turned into a breeding ground for mosquitoes.

I am angry about the way I have been treated. When I get this angry, I fight back. And sometimes when I'm fighting back, I stumble, let myself feel hurt, which is what happened yesterday.

We are moving for the second time into discovery and settlement facilitation. FIL has new attorney as his former attorneys would no longer work with him because he wouldn't listen or take advice and he kept nitpicking at the fees.

Well, we needed a modified Pretrial Scheduling Order. This new attorney, at the direction of FIL, has included there will be a motion to: 1) vacate the interim payments, and 2) evict me from the house.

My attorney sent that to me and told me that she wasn't worried, and that she'd like to see them argue in front of the judge or hearing office that I should be kicked out of my home with no money. She said she figuring they were trying to scare us.

I agree. That's my FIL's MO. Still, yesterday was awfully hard. I gave my all to my STBX, trying to help him get better. I spent 11 years doing that, putting myself on the proverbial back burner. (Won't happen again.)

Not only did I give my all to my STBX, I gave my all to his entire family. I ever had a conversation with FIL right before STBX left, and my FIL asked, "I don't know what you expect me to do." And I told him, "Be my family. That's all I need."

And three months later he cut me off. And now this. I bounce from hurt to anger to acceptance that my FIL is probably NPD or ASPD or something, and that what he does to me is no reflection on who I am but a reflection on who he is.

And that's about it. I needed to write this. I needed to share.
TMD

 

[formflier]

I like your L's tactics.  Hurry up and let them argue the ridiculous in front of a judge.

Keep your chin up...this is the long game. 

I'll try to catch up more with you later.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

You will probably be bluffed or intimidated just before or during the hearing that you accept whatever they offer and walk away.  Listen to your lawyer instead.  Court allows lawyers to posture, just as you can make a stand for what you feel is proper.

Sometimes this is a matter of brinkmanship, you just need to be aware of your requirements and how far you can push.

Likely you can't hold out for every last item on your should-have list, you may have to let a few less important wishes get left behind.  (Just don't let on to the ex's side which items those are.  FIL has to believe you've 'lost' and they've 'won'.)

[toomanydogs]

Likely you can't hold out for every last item on your should-have list, you may have to let a few less important wishes get left behind.  (Just don't let on to the ex's side which items those are.  FIL has to believe you've 'lost' and they've 'won'.)

FD,
  I totally agree with both these points. I am quite certain my FIL has no idea what I really want and need from the settlement. I have worked very hard to keep what I really want to myself, sharing only with my lawyer and coach.
  I generally post on FB happy stories about animals and occasionally ones that appear to be more personal about what I'm going through. Nothing accusatory or anything like that. And nothing actually true. I don't want my FIL to know what I want or need because he'll be sure I don't get that.
  I also agree that he needs to think he's "won." I think, as the expression goes, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, and the experience I've had these past 20 months dealing with my FIL makes me believe he's just as disordered as his son, except he is much higher functioning. And much much meaner.
  I am tired of all this; however, when I really need someone who understands and can sympathize, I a few really good friends. And I have this board, and I'm on another one, as well.
  I will get through this,
TMD