A reminder

[hergestridge]

It's been almost two years since I broke up with my BPDwife. I have kept contact to a minimum, but still have to have some contact because we have shared custody of our daughter. Things were shaky for the first year with quite a few conflicts, but now it's been ok for some time. More like a respectful silence. When she has come up with suggestions that I have just stated my opinion, left it at that and not engaged in discussion. This has worked rather well.

Considering how good it's been for some time I have felt tempted to be a little less distanced and standoffish because deep inside I am not comfortable with the cold-war atmosphere between us.

And when I did so I was immediately reminded of how impossible it is to do the right thing in relation to someone with BPD.

My exwife told me (by text) that she was going to be home "sick" from work for the next couple of months. When she told me this I felt sorry for her. She's depressed and not feeling very well, I know that.

So I told her not to hesitate if I could help her in some way.

In response to this she asked me to make adjustments in the schedule we have for custody of our daughter. And this had nothing to do with her being ill att all. It's a change that she has suggested several times before and that I have told her that I am not interested in.

I suddenly I remember how it used to be. If I reached out a hand and offered help of sympathy she took advantage of this by trying to win some of her old battles. Whenever someone offered her sympathy she would react like that. She's never here and now. Always focused on some old grudge. If an old friend got in touch she ways always overjoyed because she assumed she would receive an apology of some sorts.

This is very sad for me. I have the luxury of not having any romantic feelings for my exwife any longer, but as time goes I keep forgetting these things. When we meet she seems perfectly normal, so I fantasize about getting closer to her as a friend. But then it rears its ugly head. The entitlement, the manipulative stuff. That happens when I get close or even approach her. It's as if she can't help it.

It just makes me sad and I wanted to write this down in order to process it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi hergestridge,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I agree that this kind of situation is very sad. I can totally understand your wanting to reach out and get closer (as friends) with your ex. The times when our partners' behavior seems so much like ours, when we don't see the extremes that can happen on a dime, of course we want to forge a more meaningful relationship with them—we care about and love them.

You mentioned that "she can't help it," and this has been my experience as well. In my situation, pwBPD affirmed exactly that. The symptoms of this disorder can be so powerful that they shift pwBPD's perception of reality to something that is in direct opposition to (and causes traumatic/dramatic emotions to arise) what is actually happening. This happened many times in my relationship, and yes, it was very sad.

You know what, though? Honoring your feelings and respecting the boundaries that YOU need to stay healthy are examples that your ex (and all of us) can learn from. 

heartandwhole

[Grey Kitty]

It is very sad. Sorry to hear that.

I do want to congratulate you. Twice over!

First, you realized that you were getting over your own triggers and wounds from your marriage and the ending of it... .and chose to risk a little more vulnerability toward your ex. That was a courageous thing to do!

Second, your recognized that she was behaving badly, as she had before, and didn't give in.

You are healing. She doesn't seem to be. Sad for her.