.PD on basis of psych nurse (and the research I have done)

[Dontcallmemummy]

 
Is it PD? I was just looking for some advice my partner and dad to my 5 year old reacted really badly to the fact I said it might be a good idea to have some space from each other as he was really not being very nice to me and his behaviour seemed to me getting much more erratic - I love you/I hate you, you are unwell, you have given me years of abuse etc.

He tried to take an overdose (though in front of me - so not sure if a cry for help - though that doesn't matter because still a very serious thing). I got pills out of his mouth and called ambulance and thankfully no physical harm and my son didn't see any of it (apart from ambulance). The psych nurse at the hospital said she thought it was a PD. I have done some reading and so much of his past behaviour fits, also with DSM (we've been together for 18 years so I have a lot of examples). Obviously, am not a psych and I don't want to get ahead of myself re: no diagnosis but wanted some advice:

(a) Should I tell him what psych nurse told me?

(b) Should I tell his parents (who currently think I am to blame?). I have BP but I take my meds, haven't had an episode in a year, do all the good healthy things I am supposed to do etc, completely accept my diagnosis, am open about it to everyone and have a great support network and GP. So bit hard to hear that my BP caused it (which it obviously didn't). But surely they would want to know/help/understand what is going on with him?

(c) How can I help him? I am trying to read up and find coping strategies for him so I can make him be less distressed/angry etc. But any practical advice would be great.

(d) Some stories of hope that it is manageable and he can be a happy and secure person (as well as also a wonderful dad and loving partner - which he is most of the time - apart from the outbursts).

Thanks so much for reading and am sending lots of love to everyone else who has mental health issues and their friends and family. Hopefully very soon we will end the stigma!

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[isilme]

 

Hello - I am sorry things got so dramatic.  My mom overdosed once to avoid telling us we were being evicted.  So, instead of "just" being evicted, we had her in the ICU AND we were evicted.  Yuck.

(a) Should I tell him what psych nurse told me?
The only real answer to this is "maybe."  A lot of people don't like being told they have a mental illness or any kind of condition.  BPD itself is one where blame avoidance plays a BIG role in how they treat to things they don't want to hear.  So, while ultimately it'd be great to tell him if it would result in treatment and long-term DBT therapy, it's actually more likely to have him NOT want to try those things and to even accuse YOU of having a PD instead.  

Personally, I never tell H he has a PD.  Instead, I focus on the words he is comfortable with expressing - anxiety and depression.  These are less stigmatic for him, and he is less likely to turn on me when I ask "is XYZ making you feel anxious/depressed?"


(b) Should I tell his parents (who currently think I am to blame?). I have BP but I take my meds, haven't had an episode in a year, do all the good healthy things I am supposed to do etc, completely accept my diagnosis, am open about it to everyone and have a great support network and GP. So bit hard to hear that my BP caused it (which it obviously didn't). But surely they would want to know/help/understand what is going on with him?
This is also a "maybe".  If they would listen and be allies, yes.  If they are part of the cause of your parter's PD, then no.  It will just give them more fuel to use against you.  I assume you mean bipolar by BP, which can be treated with medication as it's partly caused by chemical imbalances.  BPD is not so cut and dry.  It's mostly a behavioral/emotional issue, often caused by forms of (or perceived) abuse and neglect in childhood, as well as a genetic disposition for it.  So, while bipolar is not cause by nurture, BPD can be.  And guess who the prime causes of nurture are?  BPD or enabling parents.  For now, I'd focus on the safe words with them as well, and say maybe, "he might benefit from some evaluations according to a nurse."  

(c) How can I help him? I am trying to read up and find coping strategies for him so I can make him be less distressed/angry etc. But any practical advice would be great.
Take it day by day.  Realize that this is not quite the same as BP, it's not treatable with meds.  He needs to re-learn how to react to the world and feel and express his emotions.  This is going to rely a big part on you - instead of working on HIM, you need to look at the tolls to see if you can change up how you respond and react to him.  Validate in calm times.  Learn signs of escalating moods when he's feeling invalidated and about to trigger.  Remove yourself during a crisis/rage.  Your presence if actually fuel for the fire, and leaving forces him to learn to self soothe.  Leaving also protects you from accepting blame or abuse that is not yours to accept.

(d) Some stories of hope that it is manageable and he can be a happy and secure person (as well as also a wonderful dad and loving partner - which he is most of the time - apart from the outbursts).

Almost 11 years ago I found this site.  I was about to leave my then-BF, as we had hit a crossroads.  I was learning some self-respect and he was not respecting me, and I was hurting.  Things were bad, fights every day, I had hidden a knife in the bathroom to be able to slit my wrists if it got too bad and I got to where I no longer cared if he found me (I think that saved us both, my fear of someone having to find me and live with that).  

Anyway, this community, being able to post on here about H, about my BPD parents, people caring and talking back to me and understanding - saved me.  11 years later, we are finally married.  H is working.  Our fights are far fewer, and for the most part, less intense.  He is always going to have BPD.  And I will always find myself here, but things HAVE gotten better.  Way better.  It's a long haul comittment, but you're already in that, so yes, things can improve.  They take time, but they can improve.

[sladezy]

In my experience and mine along telling family really changed nothing. Even the family members who did acknowledge something was wrong still made their own conclusions instead of understanding or believing what I was trying to say. It's tough feeling on your own and fighting a battle only, when there is help out there. This doesn't mean you shouldn't tell them but it is your decision. Unfortunately the person needs to want help to get better as difficult as it is and as much as you might do anything to set things in the right direction. All we can do is manage ourselves and make sure we have someone to talk to and talk your side out.