Exhausted and ass-whipped

[briefer-flowery-0z@icloud]

Thirty years: my adult daughter's target of blame. Started in high school; now 47.

Very serious trauma in my family, as well as her father's. Mental illness and substance abuse.(Genetics? We were idiots.) Her alcoholic father died suddenly at 65. Two marriages after ours. Long relapse. Overseas from age 42 until he died.

Never drank: too scared. Started Alanon at 28. Still a member. Now 71. Never remarried. Six grandkids. Retired NYC English teacher. Stable housing, income, social support. Active in my church and community. Therapy forever. Medically treated for PTSD/depression. Only surviving family member for my narcissistic alcoholic mother. (Who can, thank God, afford care.)

BUT, deja vu all over again. My admirable-but-suffering daughter is in a bad way. Great job, well-educated, lots of friends, loving husband, nice home, great vacations, strong social life.Trained and certified in DBT.

BUT? Relapse? Marriage? Job? No idea. I want her healthy and happy. Same time, I need to remove the target from my head.

No idea where my cry in the wilderness will end up.

Many thanks for this forum.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Briefer-flowery-oz@icloud
Your post has touched me in many ways. Your writing is like a series of flashbacks - touching on factors of pain and chaos on your life journey. This is something that I do - or rather happens to me. It is not always the same moments that flash at me - some of the deeper ones only surface occasionally.

Of the present you want to remove the target from your head. I am about the same age, and yes - it is time.

How to go about this I think is different according to what the situation is eg do you have contact with dd? with grandchildren? Do they live nearby?

As you would know, trying to put up any sort of boundary with a bpd child can have consequences that are painful to deal with. For some here it has meant being cut off from grandchildren, or their child.

If you want to post more about your current situation in relation to your situation please do.

From my situation, I have had to find a way to cocoon myself from the abuse/blame and general chaos because I am not in a position to make more drastic boundaries as I need to be there for gd.

My cocoon consists of 'greystone rock' ie I let the words/blaming etc go 'past' me like a cricket ball. I think of them as dd's therapy session ie letting it all out. She can do that as long as it goes past me!

She has got used to this now. I initially told her I wasn't going to respond when she was like this as I realised she needed time to let the anger etc decrease and if I said anything it increased it.

The other thing is something that took me a long time to learn. Whenever she was emotionally distraught I was jumping in either to say how it wasn't that bad or that there were options/solutions etc.

Then I learnt this 'affirmation' they all talk about here. It was hard to remember to do it but it makes a huge difference. For example, I got a raging text early one morning because bf's dog had mucked up inside the house. Just texted back 'That's awful to have to deal with that first thing'

It seems that acknowledging the pain somehow decreases the anger, whereas other responses increase it.

These couple of things have made a big difference to my life. Not to say it has taken away the chaos etc, but I feel that I have separated from dd in that I walk beside her but she is on her own journey.

I hope you find a way for that target to move somewhere else and you can enjoy these years after all the years of pain and difficulty.