Refusal to set a boundary, but starts accusing me of crossing boundaries.

[dawnjd]

“You’re a nag” “You push me to the edge” “You love to just pick fights and can’t let anything go.” “Stop being my mom” “You’re psychotic.”

These are all things I heard today. And it really hurts.

It all has to do with the fact I have been trying to get my uBPDso to call a tax guy. He hasn’t paid taxes in 5

years. Luckily we aren’t married, and nothing is really in SO’s name. But my son and I depend on him right now for food, bill paid, etc. We are actually self employed and I help him run the business. I have put money aside for his taxes this year and told him that he just needs to call the tax guy and make an appointment. That’s it!

I even told him that once he lets the tax guy know I can legally hand over financial information; he won’t have to do anything but sign the papers! I just want to take care of this years taxes and then have the tax guy start working on SO’s back taxes. After the two years of my telling SO to take care of his taxes, I finally got the number of a guy with a good reputation and did everything but dial the number myself. For a month now, every few days I follow up with SO, “Did you call the tax guy?” Same answer, “Oh I just forgot!”. I have written it down for him multiple times.

This behavior is nothing new. SO is always forgetting things. His driver’s license renewal, then suspension. Bills (which I finally took over). Half the grocery list. Etc. etc. the only reason we are not out of business is because he is really good at what he does and clients are always calling him to remind him to get the work done. (thank goodness I don’t have to be the one reminding him on that!)

After a month of asking about the tax guy, I finally put my foot down today. With, “I don’t want to hear that you are going to do it today. I want you to do it now!” Well, the crap hit the fan.

-I was unreasonable in the expected time frame. Why does everything have to be done on my schedule?

-I am always picking fights. I must love to fight.

-I am a control freak, why can’t I just let him be because it is none of my business?

-This is probably the most hurtful: I have been working on my phd. I am working to graduate this spring and the writing process is grueling. The whole curriculum has been a 10 year long ordeal. Some days are good, some days are bad. But I have an online support group I log on with every day. SO said, “How dare you accuse me of dragging out getting my taxes done on your deadline! You have taken years to get this phd done and then you play on the internet all day.”

I tried to keep my cool. Really. But once he starts yelling and then won’t let me talk, I feel my only response to be heard is to yell back. He really scared me today, by once getting into my face and yelling at me. Our 3 year old was standing right there. He has done this one other time and that was after I reminded he had a speeding ticket that needed to be paid for the next day (which is why his license was suspended. He didn’t pay the ticket. I guess to prove a point to me?).

I understand that he doesn’t want to be nagged. I don’t want to be a nag. Unfortunately, I can’t just ignore the tax issue. We are a family and growing a business. It needs to be dealt with sooner than later (5 years of back taxes adds up!)

I suggested that we set a boundary. “Honey, how much time is a reasonable amount of time before I ask if you followed through with something?” His response, “I don’t know.”

I really don’t know what to do. If I don’t follow up with lists I give him, then the lists just get forgotten. It took him two weeks to call his credit card company to follow up with a questionable charge! And he wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t reminded him every other day!

I feel I am trying to be fair in setting boundaries and having him participate in setting them. But if he refuses to set a boundary on how often I remind him of things, then I feel it is unfair that he calls me a nag, control freak, unreasonable, etc.

Help? Thanks for listening! I love having all you here to help and listen!

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[briefcase]

Sounds very frustrating.  I can see why you are on him about this - tax issues can get ugly fast, especially if you don't file anything. 

Anyway, asking him how long you should wait until you remind him to call again is not a boundary.  You are seeking his agreement.  Boundaries are about us, and our limits and generally operate without the other person's agreement (although you can negotiate them and have flexibility depending on the boundary and issues involved). 

Your SO doesn't sound very responsible, especially with the "adult" tasks, like paying bills and taxes.     You can't make him responsible.  You should think about your boundaries regarding this.  How far are you willing to go to be the only "adult" in the relationship. 

If he never calls the tax guy, what will you do then?

[tigerlily66]

Since you're not married, you aren't responsible for his finances- which is a very good thing!  My BPD husband was exactly like this... .  until after a very bad rage (and years of marijuana use, etc), I finally got fed up and left him. During the year I was gone, he suddenly started paying the bills, buying groceries, etc. We have been going to marriage counseling, he does individual therapy, and he went through rehab and has been clean for over 8 months. So, I am moving back in with him next week. I pray that his good behavior continues, and he doesn't go back to his old ways! I don't expect perfection, just some responsibility and maturity.  I know it's VERY frustrating, these BPD personalities seem to be expert avoiders and procrastinators!  Just step back, let him suffer his own consequences, protect yourself in the meantime!

[dawnjd]

Thanks guys.

I realize that it really is his issue, but if he has the IRS rage down on him, we as a family suffer. I guess I just want the security in knowing we won't have to be bailing him out of jail or fighting a leverage on our bank accounts. For me, it is the security that we can keep growing his business and raise our family... .  that is why it matters to me. If I just let him be and the IRS shows up, then I will have to find other employment to help cover the bills. Especially on the issues with the drivers license. I have seriously thought: just let him go to jail and pay a fine. But then we can't pay the electric bill and I'll have clients calling me demanding money back because SO isn't getting the job done (becuase he is sitting in jail). Some might say I am co-dependent, but I really don't think that is it. He and I sat down and agreed that 1) we don't want our son in day care right now and 2) I make us more money (than I would in a minimum wage job) by managing the websites, billing, finances and sales; in fact our sale double some months because of my website work. SO just has to make the product and do the shipping!

briefcase- thanks for clarifying the boundary. My boundary on this is to get what i ask done in a week. But there are no consequences that I can think of that would work for him. He is the one unhappy with my expecting him to follow through with responsibilities... .  I suggested an agreement where we meet in the middle. I guess being BPD, there is no 'middle'... .  just his way or my way.

Maybe once I graduate and start working on my own more (becoming more financially secure of my own right), I will feel more comfortable having him suffer the consequences of his actions... .  even if that means his son has to watch him sit in front of a judge... .