Hey UBPDHelp, sounds like I Am Redeemed and I were thinking about the same thing recently!
Like she mentioned, the way we have historically interacted with pwPDs bleeds over into how we interact with "normal" people. This just is what it is, and has a positive and a negative aspect (in my take). On the plus side, our "radars" for passive-aggressiveness, blame avoidance, abdication of responsibility, and other disordered behaviors is pretty sensitive. If we get "vibes" from emails or whatever that someone isn't taking responsibility when s/he should... we notice! That's not a bad thing.
On the minus side, sometimes we bring the same habitual responses from interacting with pwPDs to "normal" interactions. Those responses can be: not saying what we really want or need, hoping to get what we want without making waves, fearing that assertion will set off conflict, etc. Could be different habitual response flavors as well.
So, in regards to the school issue, IAR and I are looking at it similarly. You're the mom, you're the expert. It's OK and normal to be assertive in and "over 50%" of the interaction. You're not taking over 100% of the interaction ("my way or the highway") but it is YOUR child, not the school's child. Teachers can be wonderful gifts and also are not the expert in the child -- you are (well, and, ultimately, the child, but in this situation, you are the expert in what your child needs and is capable of).
If it were me, I might take a moment to think about what I truly want for my child. Do I want her to use the hot glue gun at all? Only with supervision? Supervised the next time, but OK on her own after that? Not at all until her hands are back in action...?
I hear you communicating in your email that you would like her to have help with the HGG and some eyeballs on the bandaids.
I hear a couple of possibilities in the response.
There could be liability issues with the teacher saying any kind of "I'm sorry" in a written record. Kind of like how we aren't supposed to apologize for fender benders... wait for insurance to sort it out. If a teacher says "I'm Sorry" about a kid's injury... I am betting the school district gets really nervous. That doesn't make it OK for the teacher to not apologize, just my first hunch about why the email came back with the vibe of "we did this by the book" versus "we didn't supervise your child and she got injured on our watch".
It would be totally normal to have an assertive response to their response, like IAR suggested.
Lots of "I" statements, and, importantly, after doing the above (thinking about what YOU truly want for your child, as YOU are the expert), making assertive statements about what you need and what you will do. And, as FF hints at, with a generous helping of the "Friendly" in "BIFF".
Could be something like:
"Hi Teacher;
Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. I appreciate you understanding how important Child's safety is.
I want to reiterate how serious the burns were, as I'm sure you've already seen. Here are the pictures, just so we're on the same page. I appreciate you agreeing to monitor her bandaids and send her to the nurse if they come off at all.
I do not want Child to use HGGs at any time without 1x1 adult supervision. If that isn't possible, she will need an alternative assignment. Let me know by the end of Day/Date if this is an issue. If I don't hear back, I'll assume that supervision will happen or that alternatives are OK.
Thanks for all your hard work this past year -- such a crazy year!
Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions for me or need any clarification. I'm glad we can work together to ensure Child is safe in the classroom.
Best,
UBPDHelp"
...
The gist I got from you was that even after sending Email #1 and getting Reply #1, things felt... unaddressed, and/or unclear. And I also got a sense that you didn't want to "go nuclear" in Email #1 or create a conflict out of nothing. Like IAR said, though, it was a low empathy response, and that is concerning, whether it was low empathy due to a lack of concern or some kind of liability issue.
It would be perfectly normal to write Email #2, or something like it, and be assertively explicit. This is what needs to happen, here are the details so we are tracking together, here is what I expect. Plus enough BIFF to "grease the skids" -- you are grateful the teacher responded and has worked hard this past year, and there's a tacit "vibe" from you that "you can't imagine the teacher doesn't care about your child's safety". You're "assuming the best" about the teacher ("surely you value my child's safety as much as I do") at the same time that you are being clear and assertive: "X will be happening, and Y will not be happening. Let me know by Z date if there are any issues".
Makes a lot of sense, and not weird at all to advocate for your child more once you got the response.
Hope that helps...
It does help. I did tell the teacher I didn’t want D using it without supervision. Response? The email…and then told D that “your mom doesn’t want you using HGG.”
Guess teacher wasn’t interested in supervising. A little annoyed it was said that way.
The HGG is over so makes some unnecessary and end of year, but an apology or some compassion would have been appreciated. I thought teacher may have been concerned about liability, but think it doesn’t matter. If teacher had supervised, he would have known D got burned. Would have gone to nurse, would have been phone call home. Those things didn’t happen, so it speaks for itself.
The email ideas are so helpful and appreciated. And for the help prioritizing.