Extreme Reaction to Saying "No" / Advice Needed

[LifewithEase]

Hi All,

It is time for me to ask for advice. I need support, perspective from all of you.

TLDR:

uBPDw and I were to start next stage of productive couples therapy. These sessions will focus more on emotional, family, [her] behavior and firmly held narratives. uBPDw clearly agreed but then later set unacceptable conditions: before CT continues we'd need to engage a financial mediator and I'd have to sign a Postnuptial Agreement. I told my uBPDw yesterday these conditions were unacceptable. As expected, she dysregulated very hard. At 2am, she sent me an email:

School Break

I am taking the kids away for two nights and three days over February break. You are not welcome to join us. If you would like to make comparable plans with them, let’s discuss. But you are not invited or welcome to join us in [MtnVacationTown].

How should I respond?

I can't tell if this is just high level dysregulation from intense overnight circular rumination. I know she is being her typical punitive self, generally when she can't control the situation. Or something more threatening that I should deal with differently?

I can:

A. Ignore, do not respond
B. Ask the kids how they imagine the trip
C. Decide not to go, use the time to focus on my necessary job search
D. Push back hard by replying [I have no idea how best to do this]
E. Wait a few days or week to discuss
F. Combination
G. Something else?

I need your help because I'm exhausted and burned out. Your perspectives and reminders would be helpful.

Thanks!


Longer (for background and to get it off my chest):

The last time I updated we were in CT with my uBPDw (high functioning petulant BPD). It was bumpy but going well.

The CT was using DBT without saying it. The CT has been masterful at validating and keeping my uBPDw engaged. For example, at the beginning and at the end of every session, the CT spends a lot of time and thoughtful energy giving my uBPDw the option of not proceeding, getting consent. My wife has three times had a fit about not going back yet she continues to show up.

We finally got to the point where we all agreed to dive deeper into the behaviors, emotions, and backgrounds that are driving our [in my opinion, false] narratives. The CT does not know about her previous divorce, her mother's attempted suicide, her estrangement from her father who had serious mental health issues, as did the brother and aunt among other things. I'm sure very scary for my uBPDw.

Then, as many of you would/have predicted my wife decided blow it all up.  How? Decided to postpone the start of this next stage of couples therapy and laid down unrealistic and unacceptable conditions.

Maybe for another thread, but a big part of how my uBPDw controls me is with financial isolation (you might remember my past post about her threatening to remove me from family health insurance). I am financially dependent on her, for now. I've worked for myself for the last 4 years. Both because of my own professional goals but also to become more financial independent, I've scaled down the work to focus on finding a new job. Her conditions were that we engage with a financial mediator to split the finances and for me to sign a Postnuptial Agreement.

After a week of thinking about it and discussing with my therapist and a close friend, it confirmed that these were unacceptable, abusive, and a way of getting out of the truly hard work in couples therapy.

So yesterday we had our sit down meeting (in a very rare time when the kids were out of the house) and I told her I was uncomfortable with both conditions, I felt it was not in my interest, my kids or on the promise we made to create more harmony in the household. I suggested an alternative.

As expected, she dysregulated pretty hard. We know pBPD do not like being disagreed with or their inability to have a normal adult conversation. I remained calm. I stuck to a very short bullet list of things I was going to share. I validated her. I did active listening. It only made her worse. Again, no surprise. She said a lot and came at me at many angels. I give myself 4 of 5 stars in my mindfulness, protecting myself, and handling the situation.

At the height, she told me that I was a "financial rapist." Now mind you, that is very provocative but we all know from our own experience and from BPDfamily this is normal. It is also an escalation of the term she uses, including during CT, that I'm a financial predator. I actually don't mind these accusations because they remind me of the mental illness I'm dealing with. They do impact me deeply of course.

Ok, the advice I need from you all:

Last night, as expected she split, gave me the silent treatment, did some low level alienation with the kids. Was nice to me exactly three times when she needed some help. But generally went to bed quietly full of rage.

This morning I woke up to an email she sent at 2am:

School Break

I am taking the kids away for two nights and three days over February break. You are not welcome to join us. If you would like to make comparable plans with them, let’s discuss. But you are not invited or welcome to join us in [MtnVacationTown].

How should I respond?

I can't tell if this is just high level dysregulation from intense overnight circular rumination. I know she is being her typical punitive self, generally when she can't control the situation. Or something more threatening that I should deal with differently?

I can:

A. Ignore, do not respond
B. Ask the kids how they imagine the trip
C. Decide not to go, use the time to focus on my necessary job search
D. Push back hard by replying [I have no idea how best to do this]
E. Wait a few days or week to discuss
F. Combination
G. Something else?

I need your help because I'm exhausted and burned out. Your perspectives and reminders would be helpful.

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi this is a tricky one, we often don’t know their true intentions, but I’ll share my amateur thoughts (and bump this up for the experts ). My dbpdw is extremely unpredictable and when you think she’s obviously bluffing, even if I try not to show it, she’ll prove to me she’s serious. If I were to say, “you can’t be serious!” That would be a dead cert that she would go do it. Not sure what’s happened since but I think it’s good that you weren’t too committal to a response at the time. Our kids are too little for my wife to make such threats as she needs me to help. She did it lots when our eldest was tiny but didn’t follow through there were always reasons. Our second had health problems so the threats stopped as we focused on something more serious.

From what I’ve understood recently from my wife (and I haven’t understood much!) she says that she would always like me to say something like in your case for example, to express that you would like to be on the trip with them. Take it seriously but express how you feel. Then my wife doesn’t feel so attacked or whatever (I know, I didn’t say you had attacked!) and then she’s more likely to change her mind (maybe a few days after saying “NO WAY” she will say, “I was thinking maybe you should come on the trip because then…” and give some reason as though it was never up for discussion. Hope that makes sense anyway. If she does go away without you though… make the most of your time apart and also plan your own trip with your kids most definitely.

[thankful person]

Also just to add, we were watching tv the other day and some newly weds fell out and she shouted at him, “don’t follow me!” And my wife said, “he should follow her. When a woman is angry and says something like that, you should do the opposite.” I was like, “I wouldn’t dare follow you.” Just an anecdote, not sure what it means haha.