Having a purpose in life...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I met with the T this week.  I told him about how the first week back home was amazing, but the past few weeks I have grown increasing anxious and even a bit confused at time.  I sometimes feel like I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, and in the process the dishes build up... .the laundry builds up... .and I feel this persistent sense that I am forgetting something.

I have had this sensation once before.  Years ago I worked a job in a very remote area -- roughly 9-10 months in the middle of nowhere.  When I returned home (this was when I was single, before I met my uBPDx), I felt confused and anxious.

My T said that for the past six months I have either been focused on deciding whether to divorce, figuring out how to divorce, and getting divorced -- with all the typical sandtraps and snares of divorcing a pwBPD.  I'm done.  I'm finished with that.  And... .now what I am doing?

And the truth is, I have no idea.  I'm saying this with a subtle smirk, realizing that it's not an overnight solution.

He did warn me about finding someone to fix, and that advice was well taken.  I've learned over the past few years that I can be super codependent, and I'm going to be wary of that in the future.  I can't ever make someone else my purpose in life.

In the meantime, I'm going to work on writing a short manifesto -- basically a one-page description of my own personal core values.  Something I can tape to the mirror in the bathroom and read every morning to remind myself.

Additionally, I've accomplished more in the past 72 hours at work than I have in the past seven months.  I feel a bit renewed in the work center, and I know that while this past year was possibly the worst performance I've had in over two decades, the next year could be my best.  If all goes well, my contract extension will be approved, and I'll be allowed to stay on for another couple of years.  I'll be obsolete before too long (I lack the formal engineering education, although I manage folks who do the grunt work).  By then I'll have a few years of living without the uBPDx in my life, the bank accounts restored (and possibly larger than originally planned), and a slightly higher pension.  I'll be able to head off to college for a few years to start a new adventure.

But first things first... .a few weeks off to head home and see my folks, my brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, and some friends I've known since I was a kid.

I posted in the Divorce Forum -- I'm divorced, as of earlier this week.  Found out today.  A few loose ends to tie up in the next few days.  Then bring on the healing and renewal.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

So I met with the T this week.  I told him about how the first week back home was amazing, but the past few weeks I have grown increasing anxious and even a bit confused at time.  I sometimes feel like I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, and in the process the dishes build up... .the laundry builds up... .and I feel this persistent sense that I am forgetting something.

I have had this sensation once before.  Years ago I worked a job in a very remote area -- roughly 9-10 months in the middle of nowhere.  When I returned home (this was when I was single, before I met my uBPDx), I felt confused and anxious.

My T said that for the past six months I have either been focused on deciding whether to divorce, figuring out how to divorce, and getting divorced -- with all the typical sandtraps and snares of divorcing a pwBPD.  I'm done.  I'm finished with that.  And... .now what I am doing?

And the truth is, I have no idea.  I'm saying this with a subtle smirk, realizing that it's not an overnight solution.

He did warn me about finding someone to fix, and that advice was well taken.  I've learned over the past few years that I can be super codependent, and I'm going to be wary of that in the future.  I can't ever make someone else my purpose in life.

In the meantime, I'm going to work on writing a short manifesto -- basically a one-page description of my own personal core values.  Something I can tape to the mirror in the bathroom and read every morning to remind myself.

Additionally, I've accomplished more in the past 72 hours at work than I have in the past seven months.  I feel a bit renewed in the work center, and I know that while this past year was possibly the worst performance I've had in over two decades, the next year could be my best.  If all goes well, my contract extension will be approved, and I'll be allowed to stay on for another couple of years.  I'll be obsolete before too long (I lack the formal engineering education, although I manage folks who do the grunt work).  By then I'll have a few years of living without the uBPDx in my life, the bank accounts restored (and possibly larger than originally planned), and a slightly higher pension.  I'll be able to head off to college for a few years to start a new adventure.

But first things first... .a few weeks off to head home and see my folks, my brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, and some friends I've known since I was a kid.

I posted in the Divorce Forum -- I'm divorced, as of earlier this week.  Found out today.  A few loose ends to tie up in the next few days.  Then bring on the healing and renewal.

Gomez

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey Gomez,

You seem so far ahead in this!  I like that idea of core values being posted is terrific! 

Congratulations on the divorce and the positive outlook!

I hope by posting here it will be contagious... .I'm hoping to catch it!

~Sunflower

[myself]

Good for you, keep moving forward/taking care of yourself.