I could use a sanity check

[xadingo]

Hi again, I'm new here but things have gone to crap remarkably quickly in my relationship. I'm thinking this might be her final blow up before she decides I'm against her.  She's certainly the most unkind she has ever been and she's getting more physical.  I'll paste a bit from my journal today.  Please let me know if you think it's gone beyond saving.  Every day has been worse than the previous for a week. 


Disagreed last night on how to handle a teacher report in the school.  I asked for a change, teacher did it.  Wife didn't like the change.  We had discussed before what I felt comfortable saying.  She got angry, called me impotent and an ineffective father.  Said she plans to threaten school head for not living up to "the deal".

Later that night, she came into the bedroom and woke me up. I had gone to bed early because it has been a tiring week. She came in around 10:20 pm, turned on all the lights and told me to find another place to sleep.  I said no, it was our bed.  She said it was her bed too.  She told me that she wanted all the cameras down and that they were my idea.  (We have security cameras inside the house.  I'm fairly certain they were her idea but she's saying now she had only wanted them for one party years ago and it was me.  A few weeks ago she had just asked for two more cameras actually.  I kept that part to myself, I hadn't even unboxed the newest one, maybe I can send it back.)  I honestly don't care about the cams.  They were nice to check the house in the middle of the night when she hears something but they certainly aren't worth any aggravation. She seems to feel like they are constantly spying on her even though we've had the conversation multiple times that they don't record and only show video when you connect to them.  She then left the lights on, moved the bed to the upright position and turned on and audio book at full volume.  I put in my ear buds with pink noise and went back to sleep.  At some point she left again, I noticed she was gone sometime after midnight.  She slept somewhere else in the house, I'm not sure where.

This morning, I took the cameras all down, as well as the amazon and google speakers.  I also found ants in a kitchen cupboard, took care of the immediate problem, a little sugar pot, and called pest control.  They are closed until Monday. After she woke up and came out we disagreed on how to handle the ants.  She wants to seal every bit of food in the up but says there is no time for that so don't do anything.  I tried to bag up what the ants were currently into and she got really angry.  Said I had been messing up for our son's entire life then flared up at him and told him to "go brush is f***ing teeth".  I stepped in abruptly and said that was way to far, he's her son and he deserves her respect.  I also told her she owed him an apology.  She did not give an apology.

I said we can't go on like this. She said I was threatening her with divorce.  I'm pretty sure openly saying that I'm not going to take this kind of behavior is not a threat.  I'd like an opinion on that.  Seems like a natural consequence to me.  Of course she doesn't see it that way... 

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[once removed]

the two of you are really butting heads.

is it beyond saving? probably not. but thats going to depend on learning a new style when it comes to handling conflict (it will take practice).

the short version is that it sounds like disagreements over what are fairly common relationship issues are pretty explosive. it sounds like she regularly crosses some lines, and there are some things you really want to nip in the bud, like waking you up, calling you impotent, etc. theres a level of disrespect that makes it really, really hard, to get the relationship on a healthier trajectory. at the same time, it sounds like there are some things you say and do (true for all of us) that dont help. thats where you really want to start...this wont be a fast, easy fix, just like the problems didnt start over night.

Disagreed last night on how to handle a teacher report in the school.  I asked for a change, teacher did it.  Wife didn't like the change.  We had discussed before what I felt comfortable saying.  She got angry, called me impotent and an ineffective father.  Said she plans to threaten school head for not living up to "the deal".

can you elaborate on this? what was the teacher report about? whats the back story ("the deal")? what change did you ask for?

whats the back story on the cameras?

[xadingo]

Sorry for the delay, I'd missed your reply once removed.  It's actually oddly encouraging so thank you.

The school thing was pretty standard for us.  Without getting into too much details, our boy has a learning issue that he has accommodations for and one of the teachers was questioning the accommodation in his report.  The "deal" was earlier in the year they'd asked us to find another school and the deal was that he finish out the year and everyone be civil.  Things weren't handled entirely professionally on their side so they were wanting to keep that quiet.  

The camera thing I'm frankly confused on.  We installed an outdoor system camera system years ago after a break-in attempt.  Not long after I added a little dropcam indoors to keep an eye on the dog bed while we were out. (She was a puppy at the time.)  Over time my wife asked for more of them throughout the house.  I'd set them all up so none of them talk to the internet or record or anything so I was ok with it.  Now though she's saying it was entirely my idea and she hated them the whole time.  I'm 90% sure they weren't my idea but frankly I never gave them much thought to it so maybe I had said something about it.  

Thanks!