bluenoser94
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: August 24, 2017, 12:13:16 AM » |
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Hello, I'm 23 years old and recovering from a 6-month relationship with a BPD ex girlfriend who I was living with in another part of the country.
Despite being separated for over 4 months, 3 months of NC, going on dates with other women, progressing in my own career, and educating myself on cluster B PDs... .it still hurts me every single day. She's always on my mind.
As someone with a passion for writing and a job in the film industry (entry level), story is how I make sense of the world. Throughout my life I've experienced a lot of trauma, but also a lot of joy, like many people who come from a toxic upbringing. But I've always had answers, or strong theories, to explain what happened. And that brings me comfort. But when I reflect on that relationship, it's like someone tore out an entire chapter of my life. It's so vague, confusing and I have no idea what to believe about literally anything she ever told me. I tried to stop drowning in the negative and being grateful for the good times, but I just can't do it, it's all clouded by doubt. Any insight into my story to provide some possible explanations as well as any advice for moving on would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
We met when I was 22 and she 21 on a television show, I was on the crew and she was one of the lead actresses. The show only lasted the one season, and had a B-level cast. Anyway, she was from another part of the country and I always had a crush on her from the moment I met her at work. She was friendly and sweet to everyone, very approachable, charming and seemed almost carefree.
We had a few conversations, but it wasn't until after I befriended her castmate that she started to really notice me. We started to talk more near the end of the show, and when the season ended and we went to a wrap party, I went home with her.
We slept together that night and spent the entire night talking, it was something I had never experienced before. But what went from a hookup became very intimate and intense quickly, we spent every night together before she had to fly back home. She pleaded with me to fly out to see her as soon as possible, she admitted she was falling for me.
(For a little context... .
- I had never been in a serious relationship at this point in my life, and only had sex once. I was always more interested by relationships. My parents were divorced, cheating was a prevalent theme in my life so the idea of being with one person and feeling safe was always appealing to me.
- As for her, her mother passed away when she was only 15. A few months later she started dating a 20 year old and doing drugs, clearly in relation to this traumatic event, and understandably so. This continued throughout high school, eventually they broke up and moved on quickly, having a string of hook ups in a matter of months, one of which included a man in his 30s who she was sleeping with when she was 17. He even knew her father. Her next boyfriend was her age, they lasted 2 years, and again they broke up and she was with a new guy basically every two weeks after that. Even sleeping with a 16 year old boy a couple months before me (she was 21!). Her partners were plentiful, and with different backgrounds too. The only consistent variable was they all had some sort of 'reward', like they were popular at school, desired by her friends, etc. Of course, I learned about all of this much later into the relationship, and it really disturbed me. With such a fear of being cheated on, how could I trust someone who was so promiscuous? And morally conflicted to say the least.)
We fell for each other, and being young and stupid with a lot of money from working on TV, I flew out to see her. We spent a month together, I was riding the biggest high of my life, I was convinced she was 'the one'. Of course she was lovebombing me the whole time too. After a serious conversation, we decided long distance wouldn't work, so we flew back to my home and drove halfway across the country together to start a new life in her hometown. We moved in together after only dating for a month. (I feel like an idiot in hindsight)
Like many of you, the first couple months were heaven, I always told people I was the luckiest person because I got to wake up next to my best friend. We did everything together, and never stopped talking, it was addictive. But eventually her real self began to come through... .
> She slowly she began to make hurtful comments and putting me down.
> Almost all of her stories were inconsistent. I never knew what to believe.
> She wouldn't allow me to work on movie sets again because she didn't trust me around the attractive actors.
> She manipulated me into deleting girls off my social media, even old friends, who I never had ANY romantic interest or history with. And yet she was still in contact with the creepy 30s guy, and had social media littered with pictures of her ex, but she refused to remove any of them. Which in truth didn't bother me, but its what I asked for in return. Immature, I know.
> She could see friends and family whenever she wanted, but I wasn't allowed to see friends more than once every 2 weeks. Now remember that I'm in another part of the country, I barely know anyone, and I have no family.
> She would be extremely jealous if I had any interaction with a woman, no matter how minor.
Obviously our relationship eventually ended after months of frequent arguments, she told me about how her psychologist suggested her and I take a break. But eventually admitted she wanted to break up. I cried, it got very emotional and I packed my bags to drive back home at 4am. She started crying too, changing her mind that she wanted to be with me, but still supported us having some time apart. She called me repeatedly during my 18 hour drive home, often crying and continually saying how much she regretted letting me leave. We agreed to spend just a month apart. But then everything took an even more disturbing turn during that month apart.
#1 - After criticizing me for spending 'too much time with family' instead of trying to win her back after just 2 days back home, I called her aunt for advice. I was hurt that she would make me feel bad about missing my family. When she found out, she was furious, crying profoundly, broke up with me and dyed her hair red the next day.
#2 - I reached out to her a few days later, and we reconnected. For about a week everything was great, we would call everyday, text all the time, she was apparently seeing a psychologist for her issues. She would talk to me about her classes with him, but often these classes seemed focus on what I was doing wrong, and very little about what she could do.
#3 - One night finds out I had been viewing adult content online from my phone, something I told her I wouldn't do, but something that I turned a couple times to after being away for a few weeks. I knew she considered it a big deal, but I always thought it was a bit silly. Admittedly this is one thing I will say I messed up on. But her even learning of this was due to hacking my Gmail, and browsing my search history. She had also been logging into my Facebook without my knowledge. She told me it was a virus that I gave her through my phone, but later evidence proved otherwise. She retaliated with suicide threats and demanding I give up all passwords and give her daily check ups on my behavior. I felt like a criminal. At first I agreed to everything, but after a few days I changed all my passwords back and told her I wouldn't be treated this way and that we needed to trust each other. She tried to negotiate me texting her whenever I was in the same room as a woman, but I kept insisting it was too ridiculous, but she was adamant she 'needed' that, almost begging me. At times she seemed convinced I didn't want to be with her, sounding defeated on the phone she once told me "I can tell you don't even want to be with me anymore." One night she even called me at like 2am, crying and saying she loved me more than anything. It was random, but it got me.
#4 - After another hectic week, she begins to come around again and be somewhat normal. She started calling less, and I felt some distance, but then she would text me "I miss you so much", "I love you", and call once in awhile to talk about how much she missed me and couldn't wait until I was home. Then she flew out to visit her sister at Uni for a week, with the agreement we would make plans for my return during one of her nights there.
#5 - She signs with a new talent agency her first day there, and makes plans to move there. She mentioned her intent to talk with them, but it was only through social media did I learn she signed with them and planned to move. I was stunned, 'how could she not have told me?'.
She quickly got flaky with her texts, and by her second day there she was making up excuses on how she was too busy talk and told me she didn't want to break up, but wanted a year apart. Mind you, this was 48 hours after she told me she loved and missed me, and didn't want to spend another second without me. I told her it was fine if she wanted to move on, but she insisted it was not the case. So I tried to suggest we at least chat about our options. She didn't text me back for hours. I called, texted, messaged her on social media, she refused to interact with me. After several hours of no responses, I texted her and said I was done.
A few days later, still no contact, I remember our location was shared on our phones and I snooped. I pulled up the app and saw she was at a nightclub downtown. Then the app reloaded, and showed her location as being at a random house far from her sisters campus after leaving the club. Knowing her, I was confident about what that meant. I dropped to my knees, hyperventilating and crying. It was pitiful, I had never cried like that before. I felt completely broken.
When she finally contacted me a week later, she blamed me for the breakup, but was nonetheless supportive of the decision. Around this time I still wanted her back, which I know was terrible, and she didn't want it. Her explanation was that we weren't wrong for each other, just the wrong time, she wanted her independence. She said we may still end up together someday. I was emotional, but like a robot, she seemed emotionless about the loss of our relationship so quickly.
She offered to help ship all my stuff back, but after flaking on it for about 3 weeks, I paid an old friend who lived about an hour away to pick up my stuff. I was tired of texting her all the time about it. Oddly enough, she tried to start conversations with me, as if we were still friends, but I would only reply if it were about my belongings. Eventually she got the hint and we haven't spoken since. But to this day I'm still left wondering... .what the hell happened? It's baffling, I have no desire to be with her, I'm happier and healthier now more than ever, and yet the mystery still bothers me.
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