Fear of dying having never really lived my life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A friend of mine died last week, which is leaving me both grieving for her and reviewing my own life. She was only 1 year older than me (I'm 51). That could have been me but what have I done with my life? She found the 'love of her life' and raised 2 children with him over a period of 25 years together and was very active in the local community. Her wake was a real blessing, really well attended, a joyful and loving farewell. I would love my life to end THAT way. I fear it won't.

I have realised that I have few relationship skills, I need to be right and will make a point at any cost, I'm so damaged that I attract all the wrong people, I have loads of core pain to still process. I feel that there's so much wrong with me that I will never have my dream or avoid my nightmare scenario - dying when there's virtually no one who cares enough about me to mourn me. It feels like the ultimate humiliation after a life of isolation, of being shunned or of not fitting in because I'm not like other people.

Lifewriter

I've copied this from another thread, but I'm going to come back to it later... .as I'd better get the kids to school.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

A friend of mine died last week, which is leaving me both grieving for her and reviewing my own life. She was only 1 year older than me (I'm 51). That could have been me but what have I done with my life? She found the 'love of her life' and raised 2 children with him over a period of 25 years together and was very active in the local community. Her wake was a real blessing, really well attended, a joyful and loving farewell. I would love my life to end THAT way. I fear it won't.

I have realised that I have few relationship skills, I need to be right and will make a point at any cost, I'm so damaged that I attract all the wrong people, I have loads of core pain to still process. I feel that there's so much wrong with me that I will never have my dream or avoid my nightmare scenario - dying when there's virtually no one who cares enough about me to mourn me. It feels like the ultimate humiliation after a life of isolation, of being shunned or of not fitting in because I'm not like other people.

Lifewriter

I've copied this from another thread, but I'm going to come back to it later... .as I'd better get the kids to school.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

I copied this quote from the thread called ':)epression Self Testing: Are you Depressed'. I scored 36 on it, so I class as moderately depressed and that is definitely obvious in the way I am thinking at the moment.

If you're interesting in the thread, it's here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.msg12691582#msg12691582



I heard that my friend/colleague had died on the day of her wake. It was a shock. Thankfully, I heard in time to attend the wake. The only other positive thing about the news, was realising that I am now emotionally healthy enough to be able to feel sadness at such news rather than feeling nothing because I need to defend myself from the pain. I was able to allow tears to form when I was being told and shed them fully within 24 hours of hearing the news. I didn't have to wait decades to grieve, unlike when my grandparents died. That's progress.

The wake was lovely and well attended. There was no wearing black. It was like a party with people chatting and joking and laughing, which was exactly what she would have wanted. She touched so many lives for the good. She was one of life's driven people, a powerhouse. She wanted to make things better for people and she made things happen. I have that same urge but it's buried under fear and insecurity. I am frightened to talk to new people because I believe people don't like me, I believe I'm not likeable, that other people just wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. I've battled that all my life. I've let my fear and insecurity hold me back. But, I'd love to have a wake like my friend's, with people getting together because they liked me, thought well of me, were going to miss me. I fear that's not going to happen. I fear that the only people who'll be at my funeral will be my girls and my ex-husband, but rationally speaking, I know my best friend will be there too. My life has been lonely and I have been very isolated. I long to turn that around because I believe there's no good in a life where others do not value you.

I've known my friend since 1988. Our lives had crossed professionally at various times over the years, but we were friends in the earlier years, until she had children and our lives diverged. I haven't seen her much over the last few years but my affection for her has remained intact. I will miss her. The world has been a better place because of her life. So, I want to honour her, even though I can not name her... .

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

Whilst I was at the wake, I experienced a specific trigger. I was looking at a poster that someone had made of photographs of my friend throughout her life. On that poster was an annotation: 'Meeting the love of her life'. I knew her when she started dating that man. She talked to me of her insecurities, how she feared he would leave because of x, y and z. I reassured her. So I feel some connection to their getting together. It is with joy that I can report that he stood by her throughout her life and they had 2 lovely children together.  They were happy. What she feared did not come to pass.

The trigger for me, though, was that when I meet my BPDxbf, I felt he was the love of MY life and yet we are no longer together and I have to get through the rest of my life without him rather than with him by my side as she did. I wish it had been different for me. I wish he had been well enough to make that possible. I wish I had been well enough to make that possible. I have lost the purpose for my life. I have so many regrets and I am blaming myself for not being able to make it happen. I'm desperate to contact him and say life's too short, can't we work it out? But, I don't think we can work it out, so I won't. It's so unfair. I feel like a failure. I couldn't process my emotions quickly enough to prevent myself from dysregulating, let alone him. I couldn't stand back so I took things personally. I wanted to win and wouldn't have him control me, so I fought back and lost it all. I would have lost it all anyway, but I still blame myself. I don't know how I am going to find reason to live without him.

But she got her man and her happiness and I'm jealous... .

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

When I first met my friend, we worked for the same voluntary sector organisation. I began dating one of the other workers just a few months later and we went out for almost 5 years. It was a very difficult relationship and I was very insecure in it. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. That became apparent early on, but instead of calling it a day when he abandoned me on our first date in favour of talking to his ex (literally on arrival and for the entire evening), I stuck it out. And I went through the pain and insecurity and humiliation of knowing he really wanted her everyday of our relationship. I would repeatedly ask him if he loved me and then be too scared to listen to his response. I knew the answer already, I just didn't want it to be true.

Anyway, he was at the wake. I saw him come in, though I wasn't sure it was him until he came up to me saying: 'I thought you'd be here' and gave my the biggest of bear hugs. He then proceeded to tell the colleague I was sitting with all about the first time he met me, how he'd thrown me out and the cat we had etc etc. My poor colleague was a captive audience. My ex deliberately threw a phrase I'd tended to overuse into our conversation at one point, and told me he'd found himself using that phrase for years after we'd split up... .and then I realised that he had valued me at the time but I couldn't see that because of my terrible jealousy. He obviously has great affection for me still. The other types of issues that came up between us, to do with his sexuality and the negative impact it had on me, have come up again with the old flame I've posted about recently.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=282777.msg12670298#msg12670298

It seems I have to repeat the lesson I was presented with 27 years ago, since I didn't learn it then.

Lifewriter

[PDQuick]

 

I know the pain you are going through. And yes, losing a friend does make you evaluate your life, but it is a good thing. Use it as motivation, rather than a litmus test.

You have some really great insights about yourself in this thread.

You say that you feel like you are not likable, and that you are frightened to talk to new people.

One will perpetuate the other.

People, as a whole, are funny beings. Most of us really don't have time to allow a new being into the rat race we call life. We end up meeting all kinds of new people, and we like them, but we just don't seem to have the time and space to integrate them fully into our lives. Then there are several different kinds of people out there. Some are more social than others, and can adopt a friend easier. Those are all their traits, and don't reflect on your likability.

Just in this small offering, you seem like your self esteem is low. What can we do about that?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi PDQuick,

Thank you for your reflection upon people. I've known for sometime it's self-perpetuating, a catch-22 situation but still thought I was responsible for how it is. I can see that what you write about people and their social behaviour is true. I needn't take it so personally.

Love Lifewriter