Hi... again, over a decade later...

[HistoryRepeated]

I found this resource many years ago. It offered me the very 1st full support & understanding of what I had experienced with my mother. The new perspective changed my outlook & gave me separation from those issues for the first time in my life. 

Although it helped, I remained pretty emotionally vulnerable.  I had dated a guy on/off since I was 18. At 32, I decided to relocate completely across the country to be with him full time.  I left behind everything including my house, car, career, friends, & family.

Within 24 hrs, there were obvious dysfunctional problems with this man. I was so disoriented by it. I had just made this grand gesture of leaving & felt the wrath & consequences of upsetting my dysfunctional parents.   I felt I couldn't go back home so I stayed.

I eventually got very physically I'll & became heavily dependent on the man who was already shattering my sense of stability.  It has now been 7 years.  I am still here. I don't know how to leave.  Every door I open, he nails shut. His behaviors are insane & don't make sense.

Tonight, I realized he likely has borderline personality disorder  (among other problems).  Every day he cusses me & abuses me & screams he wishes I would leave. He blames all of his problems on me. Yet, he sabotaged every attempt I made to leave. He keeps me here.

I hope this board is still active.
 I truly feel like I am in a surreal existence. I don't think anyone else could understand the insanity of it all.  I remembered, though, you guys understood perfectly what my mom did to me. You lived it too.

So, I am here. My goal is to leave.  I would like to learn to better cope with this in the mean time.  Thank you for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi HistoryRepeated,

Welcome back! I'm glad you were able to keep the site in mind and knew you had somewhere safe and supportive to turn.

Can you tell us more about how he closes every door you attempt to open and sabotages your attempts to leave? What steps have you tried taking and what obstacles has he put in the way?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi HistoryRepeated and joining Bnonymous in welcoming you back. The board is more active than it's ever been and probably a lot more members since you were last here!

We can certainly help you work towards the goal of leaving step by step.

As Bnonymous mentioned please take us through your attempts and how he interfered. Are you financially bound to him or share property? Or does he make threats on your safety?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[HistoryRepeated]

Thank you to both of you. I am sorry for the delay in writing but my time to write is very limited.  My life, right now, is so difficult to describe because it doesn't feel like it is really happening to me. Things are very bad but I am not in any sort of denial. I know I need to leave and have been actively trying for years.

He is extremely controlling in a multitude of ways. I'll start with where I find myself today.  He is refusing to allow us to earn any money. We have not a dime even for food or gas. We live in a car - a hatchback, no less - in various parking lots.  It is intensely stressful. On top of existing autoimmune disease, this has caused me to have tachycardia.

We have been in this situation for 22 months.  He will not let us enroll with any homeless services or assistance. He tells me everyday he wants me to leave among various verbally abusive names & blames.  When I tell him what it will take for me to leave - only access to my stuff - he refuses and says I really don't want to leave or I would go without it.

This is the 12th time this year I have been in this exact scenario. It is like he's reading from a script. He forces me into the most triggering, unprotected, instability prone position possible and then, abandons me until I do what he wants... .Which is usually fix all of the messes he made, pull off a minor miracle and earn money from very few resources, and single handedly put this busted train back on a track.

I am denied visits to bathrooms, showers, doctors, food, medicine, seeing family, making friends, having privacy, clean clothes, etc if it suits his needs in that moment. He physically attacks me for my phones.  He revises history so you never know what story he believes to be true. Everything is my fault.  He says he isn't going to work again until i leave and hasn't worked in 3 years because I would "use the money to leave."  He is right, I would... .

I believe that is why he won't let me earn money now. He waits until we completely run out to let me get more. He forces us to live on dollars a day and complains if I ask for even basic things like feminine hygiene products.  Maybe now is a good time to mention he made us homeless intentionally. He found out I was trying to rent a place and so he went behind my back and violated our lease and refused to pay our joint bills. Within a few months, without me knowing, my credit and rental history were trashed. We were evicted.

Prior to this incident, this man had worked 15 years at a 6 figure job. We had a half million dollar townhome.  I had every single item i could want in the world. He was highly abusive there, too. I became sick and couldn't walk and he refused me medical care, blocked access to the shower, forced me to live in a small space on a couch with half bath, refused to let me see my family even as they were dying. 

Example: my mom had an exploratory procedure knick her intestine and she couldn't be saved. They moved her to hospice.  This man hid my wallet with id and credit cards to keep me from flying home. Forced me to take him along on a cross country drive so he could use his cards to pay. Cursed me the whole way and mocked me when I wouldn't stop often enough to let him sleep.  I drove the entire distance, by the way, he just wanted a bed.

He manipulates every situation... .every one... .to a point where all of his energy goes into torturing and controlling me.  He is 41 and does nothing with his life.  He reads the internet. He fights with me. He sleeps and eats.  Maybe once a month, he has a cooperative day where he will brush his teeth or change clothes and sell things. He has been diagnosed as autism spectrum and bipolar.  However, he meets all the criteria in the eggshells book for high functioning borderline. 

For perspective, I used to think my mother was the most cruel person ever to be in my life.  She was only like this maybe 25% of the time.  This man is like this 90% of the time.  In fact, I think I ignored it for so long and blamed autism or depression or me because I didn't want to admit it was another borderline situation.  It fits, exactly, though and it is complicated by the symptoms of the other things.  My life is made for tv movie bad and I am truly at his mercy.

This is super long so just a few specifics. I tried to get money to leave by returning to school and taking out a loan.  He stole my laptop while I was in the bathroom minutes before I was due to submit on a final.  He didn't give it back until hours later and claimed he didn't know... .  that's the only time in 21 years he took my laptop. He knew... .  the failing grade caused me to be credits short and I had to appeal for financial aid.  I lost the appeal because I wasn't just credits short but the d caused me to be on probation with my graduate program. No financial aid. No loan. No leave.

Other ways I've tried... .I've talked to 2 dozen dv shelters, a dozen homeless shelters, and I even emailed 29 churches.  I was ineligible for services at all dv shelters except 2 because of my health issues or not having kids or not wanting to file a restraining order or the abuse being primarily financial and psychological.  I still call ghose 2 to check for openings a few times a month but they usually go to women under threat of immediate violence (As they should). Homeless shelters are overwhelmed and wait lists are long.  Not a single church responded.

In my last 3 years living with him out here, nearly all of my family has died. My grandfather died this past summer, my dad died 11 months ago, grandmother before that with uncle a month before her passing, lifelong best friend a few months before that, another uncle before that with my mom just 2 weeks before that and my aunt and even dog before that... .none of the deaths were peaceful or anticipated.  My parents, in particular, were traumatic with the malpractice and possible assault of my mom by a nursing home staff  (now in prison for confirmed assaults at the same time against a patient who reported him) and my dad flipping out over losing my mom and spending his last 2 years in turmoil, finally getting stable, then losing that stability over VA red tape and having him die just weeks after they refused to cover his care.  He was 61 and Mom was only 59... .So, yeah, just I have no part of my life that isn't insane to the max.

I need to be away from this partner.  I need intensive psychological and physical health supports. I'm mostly immobile so I need physical therapy to be able to walk and work. I need everything a person could need.  This man intentionally refused to let me collect most of my items from the evicted home. I sent 3 sets of movers and he turned them all away.  Then, what I had salvaged, he let get evicted from storage units. That reminds me, I was going to move home last year to take care of my dad and this man intentionally broke the uhaul as I was packing it causing me to miss the deadline to move the things from storage.  The only bright spot was hearing the uhaul repairman calling him out saying he knows it was intentional and there's no way that was an accident.  Still, doesn't make up for the fact that if I would have made it home, Daddy probably wouldn't be dead.

This is a lot... .but really... .it's such a small fraction of the torture. It is abuse and disorienting. So few people can understand it.  I have a tolerance for it because what I went through with my mom. Some of her highlights, she would best me before school and take away my keys. Then, call my school and tell them I was having fits again and refusing to attend. She ripped up christmas presents in front of me bc I peeked at one early. Threw the tree in the yard and said there was no Santa for reasons I can't remember... .

The big one was when she ate a bottle of Xanax and when she woke up in icu, made sure everyone knew it was my fault she wanted to die.  She would lock herself in the bathroom and threaten to explode not just us but the entire neighborhood. She chased Daddy with an axe.  She wasn't the only one in on it... .Daddy drunk sliced my tires when I was trying to go photograph an event for yearbook. 

My life has only had stability during the years I left their home and before I moved into his... .in those years, believe it or not, I thrived... .I had relationships and a home and earned a few degrees and was happy.  Still wounded... .but happy.  I think I can be happy again outside of this mess.  Something keeps me going without fully snapping.   I worry I sound crazy but I don't feel that way yet. I feel tired.  I feel scared.  I still have tiny hope left... .that's why I'm here. 

I need to be grounded enough to get traction and get the f out if this madness for the last time.

[Cat Familiar]

What keeps you from filing a restraining order with the help of shelter staff?

[Bnonymous]

This sounds like a terrifying, disorientating, and exhausting situation, HistoryRepeated. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Whenever you get the opportunity to use the phone safely, keep on with calling the two shelters that you think may be able to help you. Don't let the knock-backs make you give up. One day will be the day when you call and they do have an opening.

My life has only had stability during the years I left their home and before I moved into his... .in those years, believe it or not, I thrived... .I had relationships and a home and earned a few degrees and was happy.  Still wounded... .but happy.  I think I can be happy again outside of this mess.  Something keeps me going without fully snapping.   I worry I sound crazy but I don't feel that way yet. I feel tired.  I feel scared.  I still have tiny hope left... .that's why I'm here. 

I'm glad you trust in your ability to create a stable and happy life for yourself outside of this relationship.

It's totally understandable that you feel tired and scared. Don't worry, you don't sound crazy at all - you sound very strong and resilient.

I need to be grounded enough to get traction and get the f out if this madness for the last time.

You come across as pretty grounded already, all things considered. Is there anything we can do to help you stay grounded while you wait for a shelter opening?

[HistoryRepeated]

What keeps you from filing a restraining order with the help of shelter staff?

I don't have access to those resources while still in the car. My options for leaving the car are pretty much street.  Even the hospital social worker insane in August told me I was better off staying with him until I could get a spot in a shelter.  He will absolutely not allow me even basic consistent health care let alone contact with domestic violence support resources.   I've only spoken with them via phone. As for specific reasons not to get an order of protection, I am not sure that I wouldn't once I am gone but until i have somewhere to go I just have to take it. He knows I am trapped. He orchestrated it.  I am in an area where crime is high and homelessness is high and many people are at risk for losing their home. Resources aren't on pace with need and fall more behind every year.  I'm holding out for a miracle while trying to make any moves that result in my exit but I'm running out of time.

[HistoryRepeated]

This sounds like a terrifying, disorientating, and exhausting situation, HistoryRepeated. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Whenever you get the opportunity to use the phone safely, keep on with calling the two shelters that you think may be able to help you. Don't let the knock-backs make you give up. One day will be the day when you call and they do have an opening.

I'm glad you trust in your ability to create a stable and happy life for yourself outside of this relationship.

It's totally understandable that you feel tired and scared. Don't worry, you don't sound crazy at all - you sound very strong and resilient.


You come across as pretty grounded already, all things considered. Is there anything we can do to help you stay grounded while you wait for a shelter opening?

Thank you. I do call often.  They've been supportive and encouraging but also realistic.  I am not a mom with kids or fleeing someone who beats me with a bat.  I am a person who would require special help while I was there because of my health issues plus someone to help me manage changing doctors and the eventual challenges that come from trying to transition back to an independent life.  It is unlikely that a shelter is my way out.  That's devastating to type because going to a shelter is the only idea that got me through 2 years of horrible abuse so accepting it probably wouldn't happen has been difficult for me. 

I know it might be delusional but I really think if I could just get away and have a stable place for 6 months to a year, I would be ok.  I have known very little life without some form.of abuse.  It has broken me but I'm also adept at navigating that trauma.  I am amazed with myself sometimes that I still find energy to go another round with this man.  Thankfully, it never gets less shocking to be called names in public or incessantly blamed for every mistake whole simultaneously forcing me to be the adult in every single way.  It is surreal and it isn't something I understood could exist for anyone so it has helped me be humble in that way.  Thank you for saying I sound strong and resilient.  I think most of it is muscle memory by now so I hope I find myself this upright if I get the chance to leave. I guess there's always a chance I instantly collapse once I don't have his drama to fight every second of every day. 

I think the help I could use right now is just knowing I can come here to wrote without judgment.  Reeling me in if I seem to be heading in a dark direction.  I have started reading other posts and while I don't have a lot to to offer, I do feel somewhat more planted in this awareness.  I'm reading the eggshells workbook and book so I need to start trying to apply those to my actual life.  He's like a woodpecker, though, and he just rams his little head into me non-stop for hours sometimes.  It is every day.  The perfect storm of psychological disorders triggering him at every level in every moment.  I've been told he's only going to get worse with time due to the natural decline in executive functioning that happens with people on the spectrum.  When I tell you that fighting me is his life, it isn't hyperbole. He does nothing but this each day.

Also, it isn't like I just sat and watched it happen. Since day 1, I've been trying to connect him with services. I got him an evaluation at an adult autism research program at a major university.  Connected him with dozens of counselors.  Once he stopped working, I hooked him up with Medicaid and county mental health.  Like I've read other people did... .I truly believed if I could just help him get settled, my life would be a piece of cake because I am confident I can handle my own needs.  I have now given up trying to get him connected to meaningful treatment.  The area I am in point blank sucks.  It is more than a decade behind in service provision than my last state.  They re face level direct contact staff caused far more problems than they ever solved by misunderstanding concepts like client is the expert.   One case manager - only in the assessment, my guy wasn't even his client - contradicted me on every issue raised and told me i was culturally insensitive by labeling his refusal to brush his teeth or bathe as a problem.  Keep in mind this is while he was admitted into the hospital for septic arthritis and multiple emergency surgeries likely 200% because of his poor hygiene and other symptoms.  Now, he uses that case manager's words to defend his actions and as evidence that I am the one with the problem.

I also need therapy.  I am desperate for it. I know you guys can't help with that but I have this fantasy of walking into a clinic and laying it all out.  "Look, you can put me with an intern but I'm telling you now that this is going to be an upsetting conversation full of complex trauma and will require interventions beyond the basic cbt."  I have all of the unprocessed grief from the family deaths plus unresolved issues from childhood abuse plus feeling like a total and irredeemable piece of dog poo for leaving my nephew behind to move in with this fool.  I messed up.  I want to be forgiven by my nephew and my sister.  Beyond that, I want my cats to be safe, I want to walk again, and I want to get to a point where I can adequately barf out my story in a way where I don't carry it with me anymore.  I want to sit it down and walk away.  I think I can, maybe, but I know it's something I need to learn.

Thanks again for giving me space.  I am so thankful for it.

[HistoryRepeated]

Also, I'm worried I might have posted in the wrong place. I'm sorry. I have no intention of bettering the relationship.   Maybe just surviving it.  I intend to walk away. I have pretty clear boundaries with him already that I won't respond kindly to any abuse or even to his extremely rare attempts to be minimally kind.  He bought me pop rocks the other night.  I'm so starved for affection that I would normally attach a lot of meaning to them and I did thank him but fought that urge. He got mad less than 24 hrs later and threw them in the trash.  One of my problems is that I can't find the strength to ignore. It's like I did one too many Skinner boxes in college and I feel this absolute need to respond to every slight so he doesn't get the idea any of this behavior is acceptable. My life would probably be easier if I would just shut up and let him do whatever he wants to me.  I think it carried over from the first 80% of the relationship where I intentionally reinforced all of the positives and good things... .  I'm just kinda broken. I think I can learn from others here, though, and the workbook promises to help me figure it out too. I'm thankful for that resource.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Historyrepeated,

I'm glad you're still posting.

I think the help I could use right now is just knowing I can come here to wrote without judgment. 

That's a coincidence - as you were posting this, I was posting on another's member's thread and saying that all I wanted when I first came here was to be able to speak in a safe place without judgement. Maybe that's something most of us need to start with? We're listening.

It sounds like you have some positive and clear goals for your life after you get away from the relationship. That's great.

You are in a really difficult situation, but it's clear from your posts that you have a heck of a lot going for you in terms of personal/inner resources; once you get that break, that opportunity to get away, I think you're going to do really well at building an independent life for yourself.

I hope one of the shelters will be able to help you, though I get what you're saying about how demand exceeds supply and about the difficulties of finding somewhere that can accommodate your complex health needs. Have you thought of any other possibilities to explore aside from shelters?

When you've been able to use the phone, have you called any helplines and asked for their advice on coming up with an exit plan?

[HistoryRepeated]

Hi Historyrepeated,

I'm glad you're still posting.

That's a coincidence - as you were posting this, I was posting on another's member's thread and saying that all I wanted when I first came here was to be able to speak in a safe place without judgement. Maybe that's something most of us need to start with? We're listening.

It sounds like you have some positive and clear goals for your life after you get away from the relationship. That's great.

You are in a really difficult situation, but it's clear from your posts that you have a heck of a lot going for you in terms of personal/inner resources; once you get that break, that opportunity to get away, I think you're going to do really well at building an independent life for yourself.

I hope one of the shelters will be able to help you, though I get what you're saying about how demand exceeds supply and about the difficulties of finding somewhere that can accommodate your complex health needs. Have you thought of any other possibilities to explore aside from shelters?

When you've been able to use the phone, have you called any helplines and asked for their advice on coming up with an exit plan?

Thank you again for the kind words.  I'm sort of in crisis. He keeps picking a fight with our neighbor at storage despite the man threatening to harm us multiple times. Tonight, the man started rooting around in the back of his truck. In the moment, I didn't register it but I now realize he may have been searching for a weapon. I did my best to deescalate everyone. That was stupid, right?  He thinks he's never culpable.  He pushes all the boundaries and buttons.  A man threatened to kill us. To run over us and our stuff. I'm the one who had to call authorities... .call the manager. Then, I wanted to move units. He doesn't want to because of the manual labor involved.  I don't react in a way that lets him know the damage he does to me.  I'm so hardened by it. The tears don't come anymore and my voice doesn't even crack. I just stay firm, assertive... .my breakdowns are rare but maybe if they happened more often, I wouldn't be in this situation.  The worst of it... .this is the last storage unit out of 5. He kept things like 3 year old shampoo and evicted collectibles, family memory items, and even my underwear.  Someone is threatening my life over a storage unit of mostly junk and trash.  I have the memories of literally over $50k worth of stuff he intentionally took away from me and he's willing to start a war over boxes of old shampoo and dirty pillows.  The few valuable items here, I try to sell but it's so hard because he fights it every step of the way.  This is such a cognitive minefield. I feel like I don't want to think at all because every direction is triggering right now.  The worst part, I'm more ok than I should be... .how many people get multiple death threats from a stranger and are like, "I am sad he evicted all of my luggage." 

To answer your questions, I had an autism support group that suggested I try adult protective services.  Since I am not legally disabled, their assistance wasn't an option.  An emergency room doctor said he would try yo get me placed in a nursing facility for a few weeks but upstairs doctor discharged me. It was actually kind of a thing where my discharge nurse didn't want to do it and I felt really awkward having to tell him it was ok and I was fine with it.  I even shared a story about fighting for someone during my internship and how I had no regrets but eventually had to accept it doesn't work out for everyone to land on their feet.  That whole hospital visit was traumatizing... .  administration was involved, animal control, sheriff's deputies, emt's, social workers, etc. On admission everyone was confident they could fix things... .by discharge, everyone was just apologizing.  People- in my experience - don't want to believe that someone could have all less than desirable options.  I have talked to the domestic violence national hotline multiple times over 3 years. They are how I got the courage to try to leave. I've talked with individual shelters as I've done intake.  I once called the crisis line but they referred me to the suicide hotline despite not being suicidal and the suicide hotline just told me to make a therapy appointment.

Part of me feels like I deserve this... .  in the 2 years before I moved out here a coworker opened up to me about her domestic abuse situation.  In my mind, I brushed it off as her exaggerating.  I thought she was just was just upset and that it couldn't be that bad because here she was gorgeous and healthy and employed.  I eventually came to think of her as someone who just made bad decisions about men. Part of the reason I didn't leave day 1 one of the abuse is thinking about how I had judged her situation. I couldn't go back and tell everyone I had messed up so badly with my choices.  Ive never told anyone that... .  i regret it.  She was amazingly kind to me.l and probably still would be even though I haven't seen her in nearly 8 years.  I don't know why I judged her so harshly.  Maybe I was jealous that she was surviving something I knew I couldn't handle... .  I don't know but I was basically immature in most ways until a few years ago. I still have my moments. Annnnnd that dude is back... .awesome sauce.  It doesn't sound like he's coming over here so that's good.  I feel so anxious. Ugh. This is not the life I ever wanted to live.  I'm sorry I judged my friend.  I just didn't even understand my own life and so I guess I never understood anyone else's either... .I'll be 40 in January and I just now feel like I am capable of things... .better late, than never, I hope... .

I know I'm rambling but I don't want to quit writing while that dude is here.  This is my life... .It is constant drama of varying proportions.  It has never stopped. There has never been a break. You'd think I would be comforted that it isn't just me but I'm not... .It makes me sick to my stomach. I used to hear him yelling at coworkers on the phone and I would have the same reaction.  This sucks... .He was actually cooperative and willing to sell stuff tonight. Instead, this... .thank you again for the space and the feedback. It is very comforting to me to hear kind words right now.  Ps, neighbor dude update, he's sitting in his truck. I can't think of a stupider way for me to die than this situation.  Maybe the time I tried a swim race with chewing gum in my mouth and almost choke drowned... .but this feels dumber than that... .  how do people live this way? With so much anger that they would threaten lives of strangers or, worse, antagonize people who are clearly unstable. Ok, I'm going to try to get my partner to pack up and leave.  My ptsd brain is making stories about the neighbor... .legit will be afraid for weeks if not months that he's going to harm me.  This sucks. Hope anyone reading this us having a better evening.  I'll be fine. I'm always fine in the end.  Just the middle that gets a little wobbly... .

[Bnonymous]

Hi HistoryRepeated,

What a scary situation with the storage neighbour! I do hope you're okay.

Part of me feels like I deserve this... . 

No one deserves this. 

[Harri]

Hi HistoryRepeated.  I am going to join with Bnonymous and say that no one deserves this. 

Your thoughts about your co-workers situation has nothing to do with your situation.  I think I get where you are coming from though.  I would feel guilty just for having a less than kind thought or for being less caring than I thought I should be.  A friend told me that thoughts just are, just like feelings.  My T elaborated on that and said as long I am not thinking of hurting anyone it is all normal.  Everyone does it and the world does not issue consequences for those thoughts.  I too was raised by a mentally ill mother and a lot of us on the Parent Sibling and In-Law board struggle with this very thing.  You are not alone and you are worthy and valuable. 

I am very glad that you are reaching out here.  It is sad and upsetting to hear that other places, like the hospital services, were not able to help.   Keep reaching out though.  We may not be able to fix things for you but we can support and listen to you.

[Radcliff]

HistoryRepeated,

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation.  It sounds beyond difficult.  But I am glad you've found us again.  As you said, the client is the expert.  You are clear on where you want to go.  What would you say is the most likely scenario for getting there?  When you finally get to the other side (and I'm confident you will), how do you think it will happen?

RC

[HistoryRepeated]

HistoryRepeated,

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation.  It sounds beyond difficult.  But I am glad you've found us again.  As you said, the client is the expert.  You are clear on where you want to go.  What would you say is the most likely scenario for getting there?  When you finally get to the other side (and I'm confident you will), how do you think it will happen?

RC

Haven't had much chance to write. The only way I see myself getting out is if I happen upon a way to secure shelter.  Whether that occurs via a formal shelter opening a spot or a surprise inheritance from an unknown relative, I would jump at the chance to the be somewhere other than here... .almost anywhere other than here. Odds of it happening, realistically, are very small.  The closest I came was when my father died. He had a modest retirement account for which my sister and I were named beneficiaries. It would have been enough to leave.  However, Daddy died 12 days too early to claim it.  His former company had Federal legal trouble & ended up in bankruptcy with the fund managed by the government.  It would have only paid a fraction of its initial value anyway but his estate ended up with nothing... .It was sad.  It wasn't about the money because we never expected anything from anyone as our entire family was deeply impoverished.  It was sad because he wanted so badly to leave something for his grandson.  Anyway, I am not getting out any other way and I've accepted it.  Everyday with this man is a fight. He's only been awake 2 hours and easly.90 mins of that have been non-stop calling me names, mocking me, antagonizing, trying to fight, etc.  This is a man who will day "if you say so" after every phrase for hours... .doesn't matter if it's appropriate or not.  I can say, "you're an awesome person" and get that sarcastic response or say "you're a mean person" and get the exact same tone.  It's truly non stop.  We are completely out of money. I have no more rabbits to pull out of the hat.  I've kept us going for 3 full years on absolutely no employment income. I can't do it... .  we have few items left to sell and he won't let us dell them... .  it will take a near miracle to save me.  It's tough to face but I am getting to a place where I think I just need to get my affairs in order. Nothing like death plans but like mailing my mom's ring to my sister.  I need to prepare to be street level homeless. I can't stop it this time.  Part of me thinks that is his goal and once it happens, he will consider it a victory and walk away.  I'm going to sound crazy but I think this is a 19 year old vendetta against me for when I wouldn't commit to him when were young.  It's horrible... .but he has been so cruel.  I can't put it in words.  Easily, 9 out of 10 things I say he argues even if it's something like me needing to use the bathroom.  I'm exhausted... .and I think the only way out is through it.  If I end up on the street, he will flee back to his mom's because I won't be able to take care of him anymore... .If I can do it fast enough, I might be able to cobble together enough resources to rent a room for a month and take it step by step from there.  I cant work right now. I can barely walk to the bathroom or shower. I need major physical help and multiple medical appointments. So, that's what I think will happen... .I think I'll be on the street by my 40th birthday in January because I don't have the resources to sustain us any longer. I signed him up for school and he could possibly get a grant on Jan 11th but right now, we would need at least 25 per day to make it that long and we are currently at a rate of negative 50 per day... .so... .yeah.  Then, I'll scramble and be street homeless and try to survive and earn $500.  I will use that to rent a room for a month and repeat that process until I'm physically well enough to work.  Then, I will start to work and get my own place, etc. As of right now, I have so little. I have one dress, one pair of shoes, one sweater, no bras, no underwear, 2 pairs of leggings, and 2 shirts.  That's it... .  so, I have to work back into even having more than 3 days of clothing.  It's going to be exceptionally hard and if i dont get out soon, I am afraid won't have the energy to make it.  Ps this is the first Christmas probably since I was 2 that I haven't wrapped a single gift.  I haven't received a single gift in about 4 years but I usually give lots.  It's sad for me.

[Yellowpearl]

Hi HistoryRepeated,

The only way I see myself getting out is if I happen upon a way to secure shelter.  Whether that occurs via a formal shelter opening a spot or a surprise inheritance from an unknown relative, I would jump at the chance to the be somewhere other than here... .almost anywhere other than here.

As I've read through your situation, i'm sorry you are going through a tough time. It can't be easy during Christmas time especially. It sounds like you have a method of getting out via a formal shelter opening up a spot and you sound resilient that you'll find something and make it through this. Keep trying to reach out, and keep hanging in there.

I will use that to rent a room for a month and repeat that process until I'm physically well enough to work.  Then, I will start to work and get my own place, etc.

Anything in mind for places you'd like to work, when you get there? Sometimes it helps to think about possibilities.

[HistoryRepeated]

Hi HistoryRepeated.  I am going to join with Bnonymous and say that no one deserves this. 

Your thoughts about your co-workers situation has nothing to do with your situation.  I think I get where you are coming from though.  I would feel guilty just for having a less than kind thought or for being less caring than I thought I should be.  A friend told me that thoughts just are, just like feelings.  My T elaborated on that and said as long I am not thinking of hurting anyone it is all normal.  Everyone does it and the world does not issue consequences for those thoughts.  I too was raised by a mentally ill mother and a lot of us on the Parent Sibling and In-Law board struggle with this very thing.  You are not alone and you are worthy and valuable. 

I am very glad that you are reaching out here.  It is sad and upsetting to hear that other places, like the hospital services, were not able to help.   Keep reaching out though.  We may not be able to fix things for you but we can support and listen to you.

Thank you. I appreciate this... .It means a lot to me I have very little actual control.  For example, he just stomped off and left me stranded in a parking lot.  I need bathroom and medicine and food and the cats need the same. He's just on another level of insane.  I wish I could rage back and I feel like I could destroy something but I dont... .I just swallow it.  I need to get out the workbook but I just feel like I don't even have time to read it.  Who does when you're actively in crisis 24 hrs a day? This man never stops... .not once in 7 years. I wish I was exaggerating.  I actually find myself hoping he will get hit by a car next time he stomps off.  I'm becoming a monster too.

[HistoryRepeated]

Hi HistoryRepeated,

What a scary situation with the storage neighbour! I do hope you're okay.

No one deserves this. 

Thank you. I was about to melt down. Remembered this place. Loaded the site and just took a deep breath. I can breathe here... .I can't out there.

[HistoryRepeated]

Hi HistoryRepeated,

As I've read through your situation, i'm sorry you are going through a tough time. It can't be easy during Christmas time especially. It sounds like you have a method of getting out via a formal shelter opening up a spot and you sound resilient that you'll find something and make it through this. Keep trying to reach out, and keep hanging in there.

Anything in mind for places you'd like to work, when you get there? Sometimes it helps to think about possibilities.

It is unlikely I get a spot at either of the shelters. My situation isn't urgent compared to others in the area.  They say to keep checking and I do but it sucks a little every time they say "not today."   As for work, I wont be able to return to my former career.  I am both physically unable and mentally, I need a while to get back to that place.  I will very likely be pursuing something in a new field; technology.  Something I can do remotely that pays more than a living wage.  I've thought about writing, too, like tech writing or copy... .boring stuff to most but something rather easy on my brain.  I've not known peace since 2011.  I keep trying to prepare for leaving but his chaos makes that difficult.  I wish I had someone in real life who understood. He is like a tornado that never dies down.  Even if he's not an f5 in the moment, I'm still buy frantically doing repairs from the last big storm.  I make progress every day but he finds a way to actually have it force me backward. For instance, I finally bought a storage unit in my name after 7 years. I tried and tried and this week. I got it. It is mine.  I want to be there and have my stuff there but, instead, I'm parked on the dark side of a gas station .  Abandoned in a car I can't drive because I wouldn't take his abuse anymore today.  He won't let me go there or move.my stuff there. He won't let me pay my phone bill do that will be gone soon.  He physically stops me from doing these things and I would worry you'd think I was crazy except when I told the board about my mom physically stopping me from going to school, everyone got it. These people really are that level of dysfunctional and disturbed that they will physically hobble people to get their way in the moment.  He's hurting me and the cats so much right now. I feel so helpless

[Yellowpearl]

I'm sorry to hear you are hearing "not today" from these places. I'm crossing fingers that something comes up real soon, keep trying, just don't let yourself get discouraged! Even though you are going through a lot, I can see your strength in your posts.  

Tech writing and copy writing seem interesting to me. I always was curious about similar positions myself at one point!

Oh, I sure hear you in how dysfunctional people can be. Very true. It's so nice we have a board like this that is so understanding and here to listen. We are glad to hear you!

Not sure this will help at all but what helps me when feeling anxious is thinking "one day at a time" or "this too shall pass" or a calming phrase that helps me through the day.

Not sure any of this helps as I know you are in a difficult situation but just wanted to say I know how much it sucks to be in a position when it seems there is no way out but there is hope in each new day and I hope you will find peace soon.

[Bnonymous]

Hi HistoryRepeated,

I can imagine you must feel very miserable when he stomps off and leaves you in a car you can't drive.

Can you use this time to do some of the things that he prevents you from doing when he's there? For example, can you pay your phone bill online? Most sites have an option to save debit/credit card details, so even if he took your cards with him (I don't know if he ever does that), all you would need to remember is the three digit ccv code from the back, and then you could pay your bill when he's not around.

It sounds as though you feel very controlled in his presence, so maybe see if you can see the times he stomps off as opportunities to get some things done? Even if you can't get out of the car, you have internet access, so you could tackle some of the things that can be done online while he's elsewhere.

[GaGrl]

When you say he 'physically prevents you'd from doing something, how does this not qualify for physical dv? You've said the shelters aren"t as willing to take you if the abuse is verbal and emotional.


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