Am I crazy?

[scratchingmyhead]

I'm hoping to gain some insight because I'm in a confused state.  I think my husband of 31 years might be BPD - he has never had a formal diagnosis but I've been trying to figure out his truly bizarre behavior of late so that I can put together the pieces, understand my truly chaotic life of late, and get some peace.  I have found in the past that sometimes those of us who have experienced something first hand can give much insight on a situation and help those of us who are in the quagmire - which I can safely say that I am in right now.  

Here's the quick? low down.

1)  My husband of 31 years was incested by his mother.  Heavy stuff, I know  (next time I pick a partner, I will ask about their childhood history - lesson to be learned).  His father was bi-polar (mania's and depressions) and was also an alcoholic.  At first, my hubby revealed that he was the "surrogate husband to his mother - but later, he got flashbacks to actual sexual abuse.

2)  Prior to me, my husband never had a loving relationship - just girlfriends that he would dump first if he had an inkling of them wanting to dump him.  (one of my clues to BPD).  He also had a girlfriend that he didn't like but used her for sex but was unable to leave her for several years.
 
3) We had a typical courtship and marriage - although he apparently had cold feet the night before our wedding - otherwise, things seemed fine.  We traveled the world for 10 years before having children - or should I say - a litter.  We had four babies in 20 months when I was nearing 40 (yes - one followed by triplets).  At that point, he started to have seizures and after 10 years, went on permanent disability. During this time, the only unusual thing was that he would get very upset/agitated if I had a business trip.  I remember this as being unusually upsetting to him - which was odd since he also had business trips.

4)  Unbeknownst to me, before and during our marriage, he was sexually acting out.  Started with public masturbation on golf courses, followed by office affairs, then prostitutes (he liked them much older and vulnerable like his mom), Craigslist ad (again, much older women) and some short lived affairs.  He said he would like to groom them by helping them and then having sex, getting disgusted - and discarding them.  (I'm sure he left several older women broken hearted).  This was all unknown to me until 10 years ago when he out of the blue asked me for a separation because it turns out that she wouldn't sleep with him until he was separated.  He binged for 3 months with her and anyone else that he could.  We went to marriage counseling when, over the course of a few weeks, he went back and forth between wanting to work things out with me and going off with his exciting new grandmother and life.  After 2-3 months he dumped her and we worked on our marriage.  I thought it was a garden style affair - but during this time, he demonized me, was paranoid (he accused me of having an affair - ? and was generally emotionally abusive saying that I was controlling and manipulative.  It was a tough time.  I had no idea that he was binging at the same time with other women beyond the granny.  He kept telling me that there was "something operating in the background" which he later said that he couldn't stop binging but he knew that I would stick around until he stopped.  He also told all his friends what a terrible wife I was and that we were separating.

5)  I had read a book on Covert Incest that said that many incest survivors can become sex addicts - so I decided that was what was at play.  The escalation - the older woman fetish all pointed to trauma repetition.  I tried to get him to seek treatment but he didn't think he had a problem.

6)  Fast forward a few months - I decided that I couldn't live in a marriage with sex addict and I started to detach.  The day I began detaching he went to his first SA (sex addict) meeting.  After a few weeks, he decided he wasn't a sex addict but he continued with therapy.  I decided to get him into inpatient treatment and told him where he was going.  At that momet, he regressed to what looked like a 5 year old (kind of freaked me out) and said "what did I do wrong?" with a very innocent childlike voice.  His therapist decided that he wasn't ready for in-patient.  

7)  A few months later we moved from the west coast to SC and he started going to SA groups.  There, he met an amazing sponsor (former therapist and minister) who went through the steps with him.  We also had an SA couples therapist who helped him come into clarity.  He decided that he didn't want to have sex the rest of his life.  I thought this was odd, but that it might be his way of stopping his behavior.

8)  He became remorseful, present and a lovely human being during this time.  He apologized every day, told our kids and friends that he was a sex addict and that I was not the reason for his binge and that I saved his life (he said he was going down a very bad path with sexual acting out).   Then - 7 years later we moved back to the West Coast and he stopped going to groups.

9)  At this point, he had two laser brain surgeries where they removed his left hippocampus and then amgydala to stop his seizures.  He started getting very black and white - e.g. demonizing or idolizing our children.  He had emotional regulation issues.  

10)  At this point, we moved in with my 95 year old mother in PA to help her after our 4 kids went to college.  Fast forward to two months ago, almost 10 years to the day of his last binge when after a trip to see his mother - out of the blue he told me that he is very upset that I labeled him a sex addict - that I had "ruined his life" and that in order for him to stay in the marriage I had to apologize for ruining his life (he even called it abuse - like "Stockholm Syndrome) and forcing him to take on a label that wasn't true - and to be a loving, present wife (he hated that I would watch TV at night) and to quit my job travel (I was in CA one week a month to keep my job).  I agreed.

11)  After a day, he decided that he couldn't get over my abusive label of him - and he wanted a "permanent separation".  He decided that he would keep the bedroom since he felt "safe" there and he wanted me to move to the living room and the sofa.  (huh?).  

12)  This triggered me back to his binge 10 years ago and the trauma that I suffered when I didn't know what was going on  - so I asked him to leave. He's been staying with a friend for the last month and I've not seen him.  I tried to go "no contact" but he texts me a lot about finances.  He says that he doesn't believe in divorce but wants a "permanent separation" where we lead our separate lives.  Up until a week ago, he was sending me emails about how I controlled him and ruined his life.

13)  I did some recon. and found that in August he had joined Tinder and a "Be Naughty" online dating site.  I also discovered that he had hit on my mother's housekeeper in Sept. and a waitress when we were dropping one of our daughter's off at school (she told me this fun fact).  

14)  He is now trashing me to his friends - so I guess I'm being "devalued" ? saying how controlling and how I ruined his life.  He took my paycheck out of our joint account 2 weeks ago when I was at the dentist with my daughter (she had a toothache) because he thinks that I don't know how to manage money.  He opened 2 bank accounts and yesterday told me that his disability checks will no longer go into our joint account but he will move $$ over as he sees fit .  He wants to come back to live under the same roof with me and my mother (but lead a separate life) but I've told him "no" and after some consternation, my mother agreed.  

So - what the heck is going on here?  Does he sound like he has BPD?  Bipolar?  

I plan to file for divorce (I could care less if he doesn't "believe in it" - which is strange for him anyway).  I would love for him to "snap out of it" but I don't think that is in the cards right nnow.  It seems to me that he is demonizing me, fears me, doesn't trust me, is acting out with other women, real and imagined - but wants to have his cake and eat it, too (with the family life).  Two of our kids won't speak to him given his irratic behavior.  I'm just at a loss and scratching my head and wondering what in the world just happened.  

If he has BPD - how do a navigate that as I file for divorce and try as I may to start a new life?  It's been a tough month for me - going from him saying how if I do x,y and z that we will have a happy next 30 years - and then him suddenly dumping me after 31 years of marriage.  I'm shocked but at the same time, when I look at the cold light of day, and his acting out behavior  and likely mental illness - I realize that I may have dodged a big bullet.  

Sorry this is so long.  So much info. to share in my quest to figure out the actions of a mad man - and if anything of our last 31 years has been genuine.  

Oh - and here's a post note.  His one sister suffer real and quite serious mental issues.  She demonizes and idolizes her siblings - switches regularly as to who she isn't talking to.  She also has been known to have rage issues - and sadly, she was never convicted - but her baby died from shaken baby syndrome and we suspect she was the culprit (she was also incested by her mother - she became the next victim after my husband left the home).  My husband has never been ragey - except when he was binging 10 years ago - and then he did rage at me (when I moved his belongings out of the house when I discovered that he was binging).    
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! You’ve been through a lot in this marriage! Though you plan on divorcing, I’m moving your thread to the Bettering board. There you can learn strategies that will be helpful as you navigate your way out of this relationship. You sound very grounded and it will be greatly beneficial to learn communication tools which can defuse conflict and help you maintain boundaries.

Best of luck, Cat

[WorksNeverDone]

What an intense and difficult situation you've had!
To simply reply to the title of your thread, NO...you're not crazy. 
While I'm certainly no expert, the types of swings that you've experienced with your H certainly sound congruent with BPD to me.  I've certainly seen where after a period of hidden affairs, demonization, humiliation, etc., my BPDw swung back to a place of remorse and seeking help...only to swing back later.  I always recommend reading a book like "Loving someone with BPD."  I really appreciate reading resources that are written with empathy and with a lens towards valuing the person with BPD.  They are usually traumatized people who are behaving destructively to try and release the emotional turmoil that they feel is exploding within them.
As far as navigating a divorce, I'm not sure because while we've met with a mediator, we're still currently together.  I imagine that boundary setting will be a huge factor for you.  Once splitting assets comes into play, the pwBPD's fear of abandonment, and the reality of the situation will be front and center.  You are likely to face some wonderful (terrible) attempts at manipulation.
All the best to you as you move forward and begin your new life!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear scratchingmyhead-

Welcome to our community.  I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad that you’ve found us.  This is a safe place for you to write whatever hits you.  Sadly, many of us understand most of your H’s behaviors all too well.

And yes, many of your H’s actions and words do sound like BPD traits, although none of us can make a diagnosis.  At this point though, a diagnosis isn’t really that important, is it?  It’s his behaviors...  i.e. moving YOUR money, going on dating sites, propositioning people, scalding devaluation, demonizing your beloved children, and so on,

And NO.  You are NOT crazy.

I do wish to validate one thing for you.  PwBPD, in my opinion and experience, CAN experience true feelings of love.  So I would say that during periods of your 31-year marriage your H was genuine in his feelings for you.  Please be good with those feelings.  He may stoop to saying that he never loved you, you “ruined” his life, etc., but most pwBPD (people with BPD) will throw out the most hurtful words possible during periods of dysregulation. 

To PwBPD, FEELINGS = FACTS.  He will alter history (his narrative) to match how he feels in the MOMENT.  Please don’t “Bite”.  When he does this, it’s not the *truth*.  It’s not... so please know that.  He’s doing that in response to something that he perceives YOU’VE done to *hurt* him.  He’s got to one up you.  It’s usually that (also known as projection) and nothing more; and it makes him feel better in the moment.  It’s best for you to work at not taking these attacks personally, though they feel intensely personal.

I’m so sorry about about your H’s relationship with his mother.  It is truly sickening.  My uBPDbf (undiagnosed BPD boyfriend) is a victim of covert incest with his incredibly manipulative mother and it’s so painful to witness.  He is 61 and she is 84.  My BF is just becoming aware of the extent of the damage to him and it’s a daily struggle.

Was the book you read “Silently Seduced”?  That’s apparently the “go to” book on covert incest.  But your H’s situation is much deeper, though c-incest can also lead to SA.  I believe my ex-H was also a victim, and it turns out he WAS apparently a sex and porn addict.  However I learned these facts after my 19-year marriage ended.  I had an inkling about the porn toward the end of our marriage.  His mother passed before we met.  My ex-H was NPD with some BPD traits and was a bad man.  My current  boyfriend is a good man, though struggling to overcome a lot.

My friend, there are so many great resources on this site to assist you as you move forward... no matter which direction you ultimately choose to go.

Please look through the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS sections for communication tools and do a bit of reading.  I’d start with learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  The next thing I’d look at is FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt); and attempt to clear your path of the FOG so you can make decisions that are BEST for you and your kids.  I believe there may also be a book regarding high conflict divorces, or something to that effect that may help you?

And some suggestions - ( for today)... check in with yourself.  Please engage in self-care.  Sleep, exercise, good food, friends, laugh with your people.  And keep your kids as isolated as possible from the pain of this thing.  They’re young adults, but it’s too much for them to be involved in details if the marriage ends.  You know this, I’m sure.

Sorry so long-winded... is your H living with you and your mom?  I’m thinking not.  It seems you need some space to obtain some clarity about what YOU want.

Sometimes it HAS to be about you and ONLY you.  Is that time now?  And perhaps journaling can help you.  I know it has helped me find my way to clarity - just letting my thoughts escape through my fingertips.  VERY cleansing, my friend.

We are here for whatever you need.  I am deeply sorry for your pain.  Please continue posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes