Trauma Bonds - Do they feel it ?

[Take2]

As I try to focus on my own issues and gaining strength to break my own addiction to my ex, I still can't help but wonder if those with BPD feel the same trauma bonds we do?  I never raged at him, I never frightened him, I never abused him but did he also wind up traumatically bonded to me?

On more than one occasion, he has said that he is addicted to me. 

And if they do feel the same type of bond, how is it that they can walk away so abruptly and start another r/s immediately?

Just trying to think things thru.  Thanks for any input... .

[damage control]

Take2

People here with far more knowledge than me will probably be able to answer this better than me but my understanding is that close r/s's trigger original traumas. Trauma bonding comes from the behaviours exhibited in the r/s and if you didn't display these behaviours toward him, then I guess no, he wouldn't be trauma bonded.

'Addiction' was a word used by both myself and my ex as well. And it was an addiction, on both parts, until it wasn't for him anymore. Or rather, until his engulfment fears severed it.

[bpdspell]

I still can't help but wonder if those with BPD feel the same trauma bonds we do?... . but did he also wind up traumatically bonded to me?

Not exactly sure what your question is asking but once the mask of idealization is ripped off the expectations of mature reciprocal love that come with the evolution of a mature relationship are very triggering for our ex's.  Intimacy, closeness and vulnerability are very painful for them as it invokes their deepest feelings of shame and worthlessness.

We are often trauma bonded to them due to our own acted out schema's and childhood narratives that we bring into the relationship. Our ex's do the same. However they lack the capacity to process grief in an emotionally mature way and this is why they are quite capable of moving on without processing. Doesn't mean that they aren't in pain though. They simply put the mask back on until someone gets close enough again to trigger their deeply embedded pain.

This "survival" skill doesn't mean that they aren't in a great deal of pain. The pain that lives in them is alive and real but they're simply more adept at repressing that pain. This is why many people with BPD self-medicate and self-soothe with drugs, alcohol, sex, and all kinds of maladaptive copying mechanisms to cover up their intense pain and numbness that comes from all of that repression.

I like to think of my ex as a pressure container trying to keep the lid on by wearing a mask. Eventually the pressure needs to escape…and boom…all that repressed pain…and agony…explodes like the ticking time bomb that it is.

So to answer your question. Do they feel hurt and pain? Absolutely. Their feelings are electric. Their just too stunted and immature to process in emotionally healthy ways. That is the crux of BPD.

Spell

[Cimbaruns]

I agree with Bpdspell

I think they truly feel the pain but process it in a totally different way.

When my BPDw told me she had to leave and expressed herself with fluent tears, I believe in her own way, she was experiencing true pain. I can't imagine what goes on inside the circuitry of their mind... . it truly looked liked it hurt to say... . I think shortly after ... . I felt it was all an act, crocodile tears if you will... . but I think she was a truly emotionally destroyed individual... . with only self medicating by contacting old exes and sleeping with a new to mask it.

Truly stunted emotionally... . always in their heads... . always with anxiety and infecting us partners with their toxic selves.

I don't think they ever walk away Take2.

We can... . imagine being them and walking around forever holding on to every r/s they ever discarded... . imagine their toxicity

Be strong and break that addiction... . it'll take time as I am learning... . but we will do it!

[Jayhawk21]

Cim and spell, excellent analyzations.  My expwBPD did walk around with all her r/s woes. It was only 1 marriage when she was 19-29 but still.

Always in their own heads, stunted emotionally infecting us. True statement.

It hurt my ex so much she was heavily self medicating.

Then when we would go for therapy she would say she couldn't remember what we fraught about the previous week. Almost like a defense or PTSD.

I Know my expwBPD and I are bonded by trauma. Not only in the beginning I "rescued" her from thinking about her failed marriage but unfortunately we did hit to each other that was traumatic.

My T once told me bonding through pain will never make a lasting relationship. She's right.

[Take2]

Actually I wasn't questioning whether or not they feel the pain. ... I know they feel it intensely from years of pain... .  I meant do they typically feel the addiction to us that a trauma bond causes  us to feel with them.

And admittedly. ... I am grasping at anything right now... .

[growing_wings]

mmmm it seems like i will add a different perspective to above based on what she told me.  although i agree they feel pain, she told me that she "shuts down" her emotions when she starts to feel pain.  in her words: she just doesnt feel anymore. so, this makes me think that she choose not to feel emotional about situations, she quickly diverted or pretend nothing happened.

based on above, i would thing that she does not process pain in the same way we do. she just doesnt feel it. defense mechanism, or survival technique

[bpdspell]

 I meant do they typically feel the addiction to us that a trauma bond causes us to feel with them.

The only thing that they are addicted to is their own demons. They're addicted to the demons of their disorder and how it enslaves them. It is an addiction that they cannot break because it is wired in their DNA. Only with deep psychological intervention can some of those addictions be broken.

They are trauma bonded to all who have gotten close. Mother, fathers, lovers, partners... .

Spell

[myself]

do they typically feel the addiction to us that a trauma bond causes  us to feel with them.

And admittedly. ... I am grasping at anything right now... .

The push/pull of pain is where the addiction is. I think they feel it differently than we do because they keep things more on the surface. They try to avoid their trauma by causing others to have it.

It hurts to be close with us and it hurts to not be close with us. It hurts less to not be close because that's when they find someone or something else to fill that need. It's a temporary solution that makes sure the cycle doesn't stop. There is always more pain. It's easy enough to create your own.


Take2, what are you grasping for? Understanding? Another round of the r/s?

[Moonie75]

I still can't help but wonder if those with BPD feel the same trauma bonds we do?... . but did he also wind up traumatically bonded to me?

Not exactly sure what your question is asking but once the mask of idealization is ripped off the expectations of mature reciprocal love that come with the evolution of a mature relationship are very triggering for our ex's.  Intimacy, closeness and vulnerability are very painful for them as it invokes their deepest feelings of shame and worthlessness.

We are often trauma bonded to them due to our own acted out schema's and childhood narratives that we bring into the relationship. Our ex's do the same. However they lack the capacity to process grief in an emotionally mature way and this is why they are quite capable of moving on without processing. Doesn't mean that they aren't in pain though. They simply put the mask back on until someone gets close enough again to trigger their deeply embedded pain.

This "survival" skill doesn't mean that they aren't in a great deal of pain. The pain that lives in them is alive and real but they're simply more adept at repressing that pain. This is why many people with BPD self-medicate and self-soothe with drugs, alcohol, sex, and all kinds of maladaptive copying mechanisms to cover up their intense pain and numbness that comes from all of that repression.

I like to think of my ex as a pressure container trying to keep the lid on by wearing a mask. Eventually the pressure needs to escape…and boom…all that repressed pain…and agony…explodes like the ticking time bomb that it is.

So to answer your question. Do they feel hurt and pain? Absolutely. Their feelings are electric. Their just too stunted and immature to process in emotionally healthy ways. That is the crux of BPD.

Spell

I like your writings Spell.

Do you believe they are consciously aware of this pain?

Or do you lean towards it being so well hidden in the subconscious, they don't even know themselves why they do what they do? I rather think if they're not conscious of the pain they're better off than us! Who are conscious & aware of pain & upset.

[UnLuckyLady]

mmmm it seems like i will add a different perspective to above based on what she told me.  although i agree they feel pain, she told me that she "shuts down" her emotions when she starts to feel pain.  in her words: she just doesnt feel anymore. so, this makes me think that she choose not to feel emotional about situations, she quickly diverted or pretend nothing happened.

based on above, i would thing that she does not process pain in the same way we do. she just doesnt feel it. defense mechanism, or survival technique

Mine expressed the exact same words to me.  I asked him if he still felt anything for me and his reply was "I don't let myself feel anything period".  I thought to myself how in the hell can a person have control over their feelings like that?  To be able to just cut them off.  I get that it is solely for protection, but I have to admit... . I wish I had that ability sometimes.  Seems so easy.

[Take2]

myself... . what am I grasping for?   I honestly have no idea.  Another round of the r/s?  To be honest, I don't know that I have the strength right now to not be recycled.  A week ago I was confident I was never going back.  I am just grasping to understand how I can be back in such a painful place when I'd made so much progress. 

My ex told me when we first met that he could shut off his feelings in an instant.  He told me that a couple times in connection to his exfiance.  That made zero sense to me at the time and assumed it was just him exaggerating.  The many times I've wondered if he's a sociopath, I've thought back to that comment.  I don't think he is totally but clearly has some overlapping characteristics.  Who can do that?  shut off emotions ?

And yet here I sit - missing someone who has been severely abusive to me - because I shut out the bad memories in an instant of him every time I've recycled with him.

The same defense mechanism at work here - in a different way ?

[Pearl55]

When borderlines enter hater phase they normally half detached or even fully detached from their partners. They don't leave their partners due to fear of abandonment and if they are intelligent they realise the facts really well. For example, they aren't able to find a better WALLET or better partner to USE,... .

Normally intelligent non sexuals don't leave their partners although they are not attached to their partners.

Trauma bond only exists in non borderlines not borderlines for sure.