What's my next move ... if anything?

[Brab]

Just read you previous posts and I feel for you but it sound like you handled it brilliantly! My kid sister sees my ex all the time and it winds me up to no end hearing that she laughing smiling and acting like she doesn't have a care in the world while I'm trying to glue my insides back in... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MapleBob]

I'm very keen to hear of anyone else's experiences, particularly around nc... .

I've done it once effectively, and had her come back after about a year. I had truly moved on and didn't take her back. This was after a prolonged on-again/off-again struggle that finally came to a head. Then a year went by, then I got an email about some of my old stuff she found at her house, I came to pick it up and she begged me to take her back, and I walked away with my stuff.

I've also done it once ineffectively, where I broke NC after six weeks, then went through ten months of push/pull hell trying to have a relationship with her again. She's in NC with me now, or at least she will be after Friday, I'm assuming. Last talk scheduled.

[Brab]

Thanks MapleBob, I think no contact for me has two distinct purposes, to give her a chance to miss me (if people pwBPD actually do) and reflect (again if pwBPD actually do) on a relationship where she was treated with patience, respect and kindness by a guy that she claimed to be "really into" right up to the discard... .and of course to give me a chance to heal and get myself back together before I make contact... .

That said, I'm thinking I shouldn't even attempt to contact her until I return from India in mid Feb, hopefully in a much better state of mind... .

Thing is, I'm wondering if she'll attempt to contact me after our meeting on Monday or will her BPD or perhaps pride and ego prevent her from doing that like Eagles has noted? I find that stage since as far as I can see, she doesn't think she did anything wrong and I'm sure she's attributed our split entirely on my being clingy/needy? I have to be honest, I'm kind of hoping she will tho I'm not sure if it's because I want to jump back in or have the satisfaction of ignoring it... .probably not nice but it's my truth right now. Anyone have any thoughts on that?

I think my sister would go crazy on me if I did respond... .she hates her. Bless her, she's just very protective... .I think I'd get a lot of flak from friends and family if I did get back together with my ex as they're aware of how she treated me. Is anyone else faced with getting crap from friends and family over a reconciliation with exBPD?

[Anez]

Yup, I'd definitely get crap from two friends who have had to listen to me the past few months.

It's funny how emotions swing. This morning I had hope. Right now all I have is anger and sadness.

[MapleBob]

The friends I talk to about this are sick to death of hearing about it!

I really don't think you should contact her at any time. pwBPD do miss exes, and they do reflect. Their perceptions are often emotionally distorted, so they reach some odd conclusions sometimes, but they do think about these things, I'm sure.

[Brab]

You guys are great!

You're mates are always there to lean on during a break up and quid pro quo... .but people don't understand what this is like and just how painful it is... .THIS IS NOT LIKE ANY BREAK UP! I've never experienced anything like this and it baffles me... .just baffles me and what baffles me more is that I still want her back?

I try and think it through and what would that look like? My sister hates her, my mates think she's a dragon and she treated me like a bad dog? I think I'd have my work cut out for me. Has anyone had a successful grown up relationship with a pwBPD. I think mine is more the waif type tho she's highly functional.

MapleBob, why do you say no contact ever? Did you note something particular? My head is spinning as I learn more and more about this... .but it's the best answers I've heard from anyone since all this happened... .

[MapleBob]

Well, two things:

You're right, these breakups aren't like the other ones because they are so confusing. I don't think I'll ever make sense of my ex's reasoning. Makes it really hard to validate, I'll tell you. Mine was a high-functioning waif as well. I thought we were having a successful grownup relationship, but I wasn't given the whole story until it was too late.

I say that you should do No Contact in that you should not contact her. If she contacts you, fair game, but don't initiate. I wish I had done that.

[Brab]

Ahhh! Thanks MapleBob, I understand. Do you have any thoughts on Eagle's comments about pwBPD contacting you? I don't think mine feels one iota of guilt or shame over the way I was discarded... .in fact she even posted my toothbrush and half a stick of deodorant back to me... .bloody frosty that was... .

Then I see her and it's like when we first met with those big (albeit a bit vacant) doggie bowl eyes and victim seducer thing going on? What is that all about? I've tried to be objective and think did I see what I wanted to see and I'm pretty sure I didn't. I actually had to walk away and she followed and didn't leave until I introduced her to a friend that I know made her uncomfortable and she had to walk away, yet she was outside trying to look like she wasn't waiting for me?

[MapleBob]

Ahhh! Thanks MapleBob, I understand. Do you have any thoughts on Eagle's comments about pwBPD contacting you? I don't think mine feels one iota of guilt or shame over the way I was discarded... .in fact she even posted my toothbrush and half a stick of deodorant back to me... .bloody frosty that was... .

Which comment are you referring to? I'd default to "either they'll contact you, or they won't, but try your damnedest not to wait around for that contact!"

Mine has been incredibly cold too. I just got a Christmas card from her where she said "looking forward to talking to you in the new year!", dated two weeks before she quit on me. I didn't do anything to deserve that change in perspective.

[Anez]

I've stopped talking to my buddies about it for the most part because I feel bad for bringing it up all the time and they don't get BPD. I save it for here and for my weekly therapy sessions.

I can't wait for therapy tomorrow.

[Brab]

Ouch! I don't think my discard was planned... .it came after I told her I was unhappy and needed her to show some warmth... .big mistake that was, she went berserk, said "How old are you?" I just took it on the chin which is not my style but I think I was so shocked by her response, I simply didn't know what to do. She opened up multiple dramas about 4 weeks into our relationship and at the risk of sounding "victimy" I just tried to be a good bf and be supportive... .and these were no small dramas... .then the emotional vampire came out and when I wanted some back... .well, that was a hanging offense... .crazy and even more crazy that I want her back... .

What really throws me is how quickly they change... .ice Queens one minute and melt butter the next? Is this really all about some distorted fear of abandonment? So distorted that they need to make a pre emptive strike?

I'm blessed to have some very open minded and forward thinking friends and my kid sister who have had my 6 all through this but you really can't understand just what this is like until you've felt the sharp end of it... .I'm so grateful to have found this board and some kindred spirits

[MapleBob]

What really throws me is how quickly they change... .ice Queens one minute and melt butter the next? Is this really all about some distorted fear of abandonment? So distorted that they need to make a pre emptive strike?

Apparently! I don't fully understand it either.

[Brab]

I can make some sense of it... .hindsight eh?

She wanted me to go on holiday with her and tho I told her I couldn't, the truth was her dramas were so intense I wanted a break so she went with her mum but I NEVER heard the end of it... .right up to the end... .she took it so personally which makes sense now as well as many other things and as I now recall, she not only said "how old are you?" but that was followed by, "I feel like you're always unhappy with me"... .I'm just having one epiphany after another as I learn more and more... .

I'm on this board because my heart tells me I want to pull this out of the fire but can you really do that with these people? It really must be horrible to live in a head like that but sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants... .is it possible to have a sustainable relationship with a pwBPD?

I suppose the only thing I can do is "nothing" which is the most difficult thing. I really believe that anything I send to her will be seen as needy and the irony of all this is that my experience in similar matters is the "moment" the exact "moment" you let go and send that energy out to the universe is precisely when she'll come knocking on my door... .mental!

[MapleBob]

I'm on this board because my heart tells me I want to pull this out of the fire but can you really do that with these people? It really must be horrible to live in a head like that but sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants... .is it possible to have a sustainable relationship with a pwBPD?

There are people here that have managed it. But it takes full commitment from both of you. That seems to be the bottom line.

[Brab]

Really identify Anez and sorry for your difficulty... .

I go up and down as well... .sometimes I'm ok with all of this and other times I just want to lash out and tell this woman how much she hurt me which I suspect she'd feed off of. I've given no indication of this and I've played it very cool but I am livid!

Really feeling it today and want to send venom but I know I must hold the line and stay cool... .one of the most difficult things I've ever done really.

I hear about her swanning around as if she didn't have a care in the world and I'm in so much pain... .I know it's wrong but I want her to suffer like I am but the paradox here is that every day I hold the line, I get my power back and I'm sure sooner or later it will get to her. She told me all her ex's chased after her and begged and pleaded for her return and I've done none of that... .

I think that this is the best strategy possible if I really want her back. Maybe it doesn't apply to pwBPD but my experience has been, women tend to want what they can't or don't think they can have... .

Patience, patience, patience... .arrrgghhh!

[Anez]

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[Brab]

OK, I got a laugh out of that... .those are few and far between these days... .and today is one of those days... .

[Anez]

i know how you feel, brab. just give yourself some space and don't beat yourself up too much. I have those days all the time and it stinks but you just gotta get through it.

[MapleBob]

Patience is easier when you're distracted, so distract!

[Anez]

totally agree with Maple. Distraction is great. Last week i was out of town visiting some buddies and it was great for me head. Until I got back home and went to work and saw my ex, but whatever. for those few days i didn't think of her as much as i normally do.

Your trip to India will be great for you. Just get to the date that you leave and you'll be ok. until then, find some distractions.

[Anez]

Just a follow up:

My ex, after trading songs via text for 90 minutes on Monday night, didn't respond to an email i sent her at work (we work together) on Tuesday about a band she sent me and didn't respond to a text I sent her tuesday night about a song she sent me.

Did the texting on Monday night strip her of her power of her power a little bit, causing her to back off and attempt to get her power back a little bit?

Is she painting me black because of a song I sent her that I quickly realized had suicide themes in it and then quickly told her not to listen to that song but another song from the same singer? I doubt she listened to either song, tho.

Is she just over me and moving on and sending a message?

[MapleBob]

Quite possibly none of those things. I think you're over-thinking this. I've been guilty of that plenty, so I know how it feels. It doesn't ultimately matter why (her "reasons" are probably incomprehensible anyway, if she's anything like my ex), it matters what.

[Anez]

Totally agree with the overthinking this. It's easy to do and I do it all the time. what do you mean by what, tho?

[MapleBob]

Totally agree with the overthinking this. It's easy to do and I do it all the time. what do you mean by what, tho?

She had a 90-minute conversation with you and then dropped it like a hot potato. That's rude. I mean, sure, maybe she fell asleep or something, but a person who was trying to keep you around would then wake up and tell you that. Not only that, but she didn't respond to further contact.

So you hang back now, act like it didn't bother you, smile at her at work, and get through the day.

[Anez]

thanks, maple.

Yup, totally gonna do that at work today and every day. I've become really good at acting like nothing bothers me with her at work. I just smile and say hello and crack a joke with her and move on with my day.

[MapleBob]

thanks, maple.

Yup, totally gonna do that at work today and every day. I've become really good at acting like nothing bothers me with her at work. I just smile and say hello and crack a joke with her and move on with my day.

I forget, how did you two get together in the first place? Did she approach you?

[Anez]

thanks, maple.

Yup, totally gonna do that at work today and every day. I've become really good at acting like nothing bothers me with her at work. I just smile and say hello and crack a joke with her and move on with my day.

I forget, how did you two get together in the first place? Did she approach you?

We sat across from each other at work (we don't anymore) and would chat/flirt. I was married at the time but things quickly picked up and got a little out of control. I think she approached me and I responded to her approaches when, as a married man, I prob shouldn't have. But I became addicted to her.

and here we are.

[MapleBob]

We sat across from each other at work (we don't anymore) and would chat/flirt. I was married at the time but things quickly picked up and got a little out of control. I think she approached me and I responded to her approaches when, as a married man, I prob shouldn't have. But I became addicted to her.

and here we are.

You're... .married? How did I not get that before. Anyway, yeah, that's what I figured happened.

[Anez]

I was married. until my wife found out about this. She and I tried to work things out after but a few months later she decided that we had to end the marriage. I cooled off with the ex during the time when i was trying to save the marriage. then about a month after my ex-wife made the decision about the marriage my exPWBPD picked things up again.

Not an ideal start to a relationship but it's how it went down.

[MapleBob]

I was married. until my wife found out about this. She and I tried to work things out after but a few months later she decided that we had to end the marriage. I cooled off with the ex during the time when i was trying to save the marriage. then about a month after my ex-wife made the decision about the marriage my exPWBPD picked things up again.

Not an ideal start to a relationship but it's how it went down.

It's funny how many of these relationships start with some kind of triangulation. Food for thought.