my introduction

[reset2zero]

After many long years of wondering what was wrong with me I have finally found relief. There's nothing wrong with me! For years I thought I was going insane, that I was really all those things he claimed I was. I argued with therapists, insisting that he was the normal one and that I was completely nuts. One day, a therapist told me I had lost my power and that I needed to get it back. She asked me what I thought would happen if I started doing that. I told her I felt as though I had been walking on eggshells for the last 12 years and taking my power back was akin to making some omelets. I wasn't seeing the T for marital issues, was seeing T for another tragedy in my life. Visiting the T would leave me emotionally drained and so my DH decided I shouldn't go anymore. So I didn't.

The way I found myself here at the bpdfamily forums was kind of like a miracle. One day after an awful fight, I googled the actual words my DH said to me, "you don't love me". He liked to say that to me all the time. That phrase led me to the add forums, which he was diagnosed with in his childhood. Some of their stories rang true for me, but one person in particular really struck a chord for me. It was as if that person were literally in my home observing every argument that I had ever had. Someone replied to that post with an observation I had not considered;that my DH's terrible behavior was not just add, but could be something called BPD. After much research I have found my way here. He has not been properly diagnosed with BPD, but he fits all of the traits listed to a T. It's a bit scary seeing the behavior of your loved one listed out on the internet for the whole world to see. Thank god this resource is here!

I won't write about all the negative things he has done and said to me over the years. All one has to do is read through these forums as they describe him and our relationship perfectly. What I will do is say that the tools and these resources found on this website are helping me to become more real to myself. To take back my power in a respectable way. I don't have to be a victim any longer. These tools have helped me to examine my own bad behavior. I have been very bad, I own that now, but I can woman up and do better. I have faced my fears and know that I don't need him in order to be myself. That a healthy relationship is two separate individuals who come together in love. I know that I am no one's punching bag, I don't deserve that and I don't have to accept it anymore. I don't want to divorce him, I truly believe in the promise I made in front of God. However I know that I can be ok with myself if DH leaves me.

I don't usually post to places like this, but I thought that my words might inspire someone to get the help or reach out for support that they need. As for me, I continue to work the lessons, and find ways to put them into action. I am more observant of my behavior and have become slightly less reactive and more proactive. It can be difficult changing behavior, but it is true: practice does make perfect.

Thanks for reading this, thank you to bpdfamily for being here, and many thanks to God for leading me here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hellosun]

Welcome, reset2zero! 

I'm glad you found this website, as well. The Lessons have been soo helpful to me, and not just in my relationship to my uBPDh, also in my other challenging relationships, and in the way I relate to the world in general.

Makes me happy to read that you will not accept being a punching bag. (I hope you mean emotional punching bag, and not physical punching bag--you aren't in physical danger, are you?)

Thanks for sharing some of your story and progress here.