Trying to have boundaries and keep peace

[griz]

I am on the slow path to learning to put boundaries in place and I have been able to establish a few.  Boundaries are so hard (my own fault) since when DD was in such a horrible depression two years ago I was so afraid of losing her that I did anything she asked to try to make her happy.  Our lives literally revolved around DD being kept happy.  That being said, we created our own monster, a 15 years old that could do, say and get anything she wanted.  As time has move on and thanks to all of you on the board I am learning to reclaim my boundaries.  Today I tried but I am not sure if I did the right thing and I would love your opinions.  DD asked during the week if dh and I would drive her to a friends house today which is about 45 minutes away.  This friend drives (dd doesn't) and usually picks her up and drives her home, so I said no problem.  She wanted to leave the house at 10:30am which I agreed to and asked that we pick her up at 11pm, which I agreed to.

I dropped her off this morning and realized that dh, who was working all day, also has to be up at 7:30am for work tomorrow.  So I sent her a text message that said:

me: Dad and I will need to pick you up at 10pm because Dad has to get up early for work tomorrow and he is really exhausted.

DD: why do you guys do this all the F... .   ing time

me:  I did not respond.  I try not to respond to texts with explitives in them

DD: Like this is pretty irritating

me: I would love to pick you up at 11 but I also want dad to get more rest.  He is working 7 days a week now.  How about we compromise and we pick you up at 10:30

DD: fine

me:  ok, see you later.

Did I do the wrong thing here?  Should I just have said No 10pm and that is it?  I am trying to have better boundaries but sometimes like in a situation like this I think it is okay to compromise?

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[swampped]

Dear Griz:  Think about it:  You kept the boundary of not responding to her offensive text.  As for the compromise, it seems to me that you simply compromised, but did not break a boundary.  She agreed.  Well done.  I hope the trip goes well, and your dh and you can get some rest.  The hours our children keep can exhaust us!  By the way, how is the book coming?  I look forward to reading more about your shop and its characters.    Peace.      Swampped

[lbjnltx]

Teaching the art of negotiation is a very high level skill.  When everyone walks away feeling heard and having their needs met that is success.

I don't know that what time you need to pick her up on a certain day constitutes a boundary anyway.

[pessim-optimist]

... .   Today I tried but I am not sure if I did the right thing and I would love your opinions.  She wanted to leave the house at 10:30am which I agreed to and asked that we pick her up at 11pm, which I agreed to... .  

... .   Did I do the wrong thing here?  Should I just have said No 10pm and that is it?  I am trying to have better boundaries but sometimes like in a situation like this I think it is okay to compromise?... .  

Ok, here goes my opinion:

Griz,  you guys were successful navigating a potential conflict. Also,  on not responding to the expletive.

If I understand it correctly, you have agreed to drop your dd off and then pick her up at 11pm. Then you realized that it would be too late for your husband, so you went back on your promise and tried to change the time to 10pm, which (understandably) upset your dd, resulting in the inappropriate expletive, to which you did not respond, then dd expressed her frustration in a more appropriate way, and then you guys came to a compromise that was acceptable to both parties.

I think it was definitely ok to compromise since you initially agreed to 11pm. Also, (you may have done this) I would try to validate dd on the way home (her feelings of frustration at the time change). And I think that there is an opportunity in modeling good behavior expressing appreciation for her understanding and being considerate to her dad.

So, that is me talking here from the luxury of a computer keyboard and PLENTY OF TIME to think about it!

Griz, you are doing great, pat yourself on the back!   

[griz]

Thank you all for your input.  I like the idea of being validating on the car ride home. I know she is dissappointed at having to leave earlier than planned and also appreciation for being considerate of her dad.  Since DH is coming with me to pick her up I am thinking maybe the appreciation should even come from him.

My book is doing well.  I am about half way done and it continues to give me a place to write about my feelings.  Every once in a while it makes me a little sad as my bookstore was the dream that I had in reality but I guess our dreams come in all sorts of ways. I recently showed my T some of my book and she said the nicest thing.  She said she felt like my friends that I write about that visit the book store felt so real to her and that she could actually feel the love that I had for them.  Yes, those friends are all of you and she was so right.

Griz

[pessim-optimist]

oops, did not realize it's not over yet!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you! 

A thought on the side: It is always easier to give advice than to apply it... .   As I am personally still in the learning stages applying all the learned skills, I always worry that if I validate, it will give the person permission to blow up on me... .   Have you had a positive experience validating your dd?

[griz]

Just an update.  So I took your advice and dh and I went to pick up DD at our compromised time.  She got in the car and was fine.  DH and I had discussed on the way there validating and modeling good behavior so after the usual, how was your day? did you have a nice time? dh said, I know you were dissappointed that we had to come earlier but thank you for understanding that I have to be up for work earlier.  Her response, "No problem, your welcome".  (I was very careful at this point not to drive off the road).  The rest of the ride home was pleasant conversation about our day.

This morning when we got up dh had already left for work.  When DD came downstairs I asked her if she would mind going food shopping with me (usually this is dh's job) since last week I hurt my back falling down the stairs.  She said no problem and asked me what time I would like to go.  I told her in about 15-30 minutes.  She was ready and willing 15 minutes later, helped me shop, put the food away and then spent about 2 hours helping me cook all the fresh vegetables for the week.  Her bf came over a little while later and they were going out but before they left I once again validated her behaviors.  I thanked her for all her help even though she would have probably liked to go out earlier and told them I would make a nice barbque dinner for all of us tonight.

Then I treated myself to a hour long nap.

Griz

[pessim-optimist]

    

Griz,

this is SUCH a GOOD NEWS! Thanks for posting!

It's so encouraging to hear that!

[jellibeans]

Hey I just wanted to give my two cents here... .   my older daughter had prom this weekend so I have not been online much... .  

I really think you handled all of this great... .   following up with her on the ride home and acknowledging that plans had to change and you were thankful... .   big thumbs up! Please tell me how you get your child to go food shopping with you! What kind of kool-aid are you serving over there? I am so happy for you and your dd... .   I am just sitting here in shock! What a great story to share... .   very uplifting! Thank you

[heronbird]

Hi

No Griz, you did not create a monster, this is all the nature of BPD.

I think you need your boundaries, boundaries for you, you cant place boundaries on pwBPD.

When my 15 year old dd phoned me saying she is staying the night at her friends house and I knew verywell it was a boy she had just met. Our family rule was that I always had to speak to the mum of anywhere they were staying over. I told her that, she just said sorry mum, my phone battery is going I dont have the number see you tomorrow.

The next day, she would feel so bad she would probably self harm, I know, I read some of her diaries so I know. I dont want to make her feel worse.

So I had to set my own boundaries so that I could cope. Its hard to explain.

I remember this stupid therapist asking me if we let dd do anything because we were scared of what she would do. That just made me feel worse.

Then we had a good P and he really knew how it was so that made me realise we were doing the best we could given the circumstances.

One thing is for sure, we love our kids and are doing the best we can, we often blame ourselves.

This is an extremely scary illness, very hard to deal with and with no or very little support.

We all deserve medals   

[Reality]

griz,

The change in your family is truly amazing.  Having your husband on board, validating your daughter, is very powerful, isn't it?

I am picturing you and your daughter together enjoying the kitchen work.  

Boundaries and validation and a husband who works with you as a team.  Your book will make for fascinating reading.

Keep posting.

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sunshineplease]

So, that is me talking here from the luxury of a computer keyboard and PLENTY OF TIME to think about it!

Another great line from the forums!

Griz, I so related to the "you've created a monster" meme. I always felt as if we were short-changing DD, starting from when she was eight or ten, but the therapist we were working with kept telling me how fragile DD was. We had many discussions about "how far to let her fall." T even waffled on CBT/DBT class which, looking back, might have helped. I wish I'd been clearer/stronger and followed my own instincts. But both DD and T were great at putting me on the defensive by casting me as the controlling mom ("it's DD's life, not yours" -- even as I let go all over the place. Bad dynamic.

Water under the proverbial, but something I mourn. So glad I've found this board, and that we have better therapists for DD and for my husband and me. Clarifying values makes creating boundaries easier, and validation makes communication easier, when DD is up for it.