I would like friends and family to understand this was not a "normal breakup"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I would like to hear from others how you have explained to your friends and family who do not understand why it was so difficult for you to end your relationship with your BPD romantic partner. I just recently ended mine, and it took me two additional months of back-and-forth to officially pull the plug after moving out. While it was a fairly short term relationship, under one year, I think from the behaviors and experiences I went through, my friends and family cannot understand why I did not get out sooner and why I did not just immediately go No Contact. They cannot fathom what was the allure to
continue any form of the relationship with someonee who continued to, to them, not be a healthy relationship FOR ME. How can I help them understand the complexity of the relationship. And the devastating brokenheartedness that I am feeling now, despite the fairly short lifespan of the relationship? I logically understand and see that my ex had some really atrocious behaviors, actions, comments, voiced thoughts towards me. (Of course coupled with the love bombing) I suppose to some extent, even I am confused as to why I hung on after it was clearly not going to be a viable relationship. (I did not figure out that he was BPD until after I moved out.) Regardless, I would like better words to help friends and family understand this was not a "normal break up" kind of like, in the sense, oh you are sad, that is a bummer, move on. My ex-BPD got into my soul(!) and It feels like someone who has not experienced it can NOT understand. I wish I had better words or analogies. THOUGHTS? Suggestions? Experiences?

[Vjam]

I would like to hear from others how you have explained to your friends and family who do not understand why it was so difficult for you to end your relationship with your BPD romantic partner. I just recently ended mine, and it took me two additional months of back-and-forth to officially pull the plug after moving out. While it was a fairly short term relationship, under one year, I think from the behaviors and experiences I went through, my friends and family cannot understand why I did not get out sooner and why I did not just immediately go No Contact. They cannot fathom what was the allure to
continue any form of the relationship with someonee who continued to, to them, not be a healthy relationship FOR ME. How can I help them understand the complexity of the relationship. And the devastating brokenheartedness that I am feeling now, despite the fairly short lifespan of the relationship? I logically understand and see that my ex had some really atrocious behaviors, actions, comments, voiced thoughts towards me. (Of course coupled with the love bombing) I suppose to some extent, even I am confused as to why I hung on after it was clearly not going to be a viable relationship. (I did not figure out that he was BPD until after I moved out.) Regardless, I would like better words to help friends and family understand this was not a "normal break up" kind of like, in the sense, oh you are sad, that is a bummer, move on. My ex-BPD got into my soul(!) and It feels like someone who has not experienced it can NOT understand. I wish I had better words or analogies. THOUGHTS? Suggestions? Experiences?

[Turkish]

I would stay away from stating a Dx, but rather saying, "she did x, y and z." Tell the worst. Maybe some observed it. I know a few of my friends and my mother did but they kept their mouths shut out of respect for me.

Are  you under pressure to explain it? That's a whole other dynamic. 

[LabCoat]

After struggling to figure out why it took me so long to leave my BPD husband, I read an article that mentioned something I had never thought about - many people who leave a BPD partner still love them. The man that I loved was still there, but as time passed, that person was more and more frequently hidden by the rage and anger. Even though he was abusive, leaving him felt like abandoning the person I loved for selfish reasons.

Having to leave a person you still truly care about, and who in a twisted way truly cares about you, is amazingly difficult and heartbreaking. The bad things they did don’t erase the amazing person that you first fell for; the good person that you know is still there just hidden below the surface.

This helped me to understand my own struggle to leave; I hope this can help you out somehow.

[allovertheplace]

I was just having this conversation the other day. When I try to explain, I just end up feeling like a failure for not being able to detach when it's a no-brainer to everyone else. I'm caught in a pretty emotionally abusive push/pull cycle with my ex BPD bf after a wonderful 3 year relationship and a traumatic breakup that came out of nowhere.

It's really tough to explain how this person feels like a part of your identity. You've invested so much time and intense love trying to support them that when that's ripped away, you almost don't know what to do with yourself. I think the part that's most difficult for people to grasp is that with BPD, the person you're with might not have a consistent identity - they're a cruel stranger one day, then the loving best friend you've always known the next. I try to explain that it's hard to walk away when you know the person you love is in there somewhere.

I put it this way to my mom: I can't get to acceptance because I'm caught trying to make sense of a reality that fluctuates - just when I think things are final, they flip completely, so you don't even know what you're supposed to be accepting. You're constantly trying to make sense of an irrational situation and contradictory behaviors. For months I was stuck trying to accept something that didn't make any sense -  so instead of moving forward, I was stuck in the past, backtracking and analyzing my relationship obsessively to see if what he said could possibly be true. So in the months where people typically process and move on, I couldn't even begin to get to that phase - it's like an extra step in grieving is added on that prolongs the process, and it hurts like hell to be jerked around.

It differs for everyone, but I just try to explain that relationships with someone with BPD are extremely complex and atypical and add a whole new layer of suffering when the break-up happens. And because they're so abnormal and often unhealthy, you can't apply the same break-up/moving on rules that you would use in a "normal" breakup to a BPD breakup. I've also learned that people probably won't really understand no matter what - they don't have to get why you're so torn up and that's okay as long as they aren't  judging you for it.

[Vjam]

Thanks all for the support and thoughtful responses. More are welcome

[Turkish]

At the end of the day,  no matter how loving your family and friends can be,  only you have gone through this and only you remain. 

My BFF has a mother who had BPD traits, and his little sister (Now 44 going on 14) is dBPD. We talked a lot about BPD. Yet after a while I sensed that he got sick of me rationalizing it from a clinical perspective and was angry about her actions and how they hurt me,  much like how my T approached it with me. 

[tinker0608]

I think part of it too is it can get especially tricky if you're dealing with someone that is a quiet borderline. My friends LOVED my girlfriend. She was a blast to be around. And when we were around each other, especially in person, we looked like the perfect couple. So when I told them she cheated, it came as a shock to everyone. But when I continue to talk to them about it and make sense of what has happened, they just tell me to "move on". You're better than her, etc. So in a sense, it's easy to say yeah she cheated, yeah that should be an absolute dealbreaker and should be easy to pull away and move on with your life, but for me, it has not been.

When she cheated and the relationship was over, I finally started to think back on the relationship, and I could tell it was going to eventually get fairly abusive had I stayed. The withholding sex, the sly remarks about making me feel like I wasn't good enough. She literally told me once my arms were too small to hold her. She's used to being held by "bigger men". She's worried about our sex life. Which initially didn't bother me at first because I know what I'm capable of in the bedroom. But when she started mentioning missing her ex, and bringing up little things here and there in regards to my performance in the bedroom (read, you didn't speak dirty talk correctly, you should say it this way) of course my self esteem started to take a hit.

She started correcting me ALL the time over the most trivial stuff. Like for instance if I explained a story and said the time was 6 instead of 7, she would cut me off mid sentence to re-correct me. She did not do this in the early months of the relationship. She held onto every word I said from the first 6 months or so.

But explaining all of these to other people, it's hard to get them to understand. That you actually are being abused. And it can be embarrassing for us to say and admit that we were being abused. I know it is for me. Many people don't know what emotional abuse feels like, so it's literally like speaking Spanish to them. They can understand cheating is messed up. But everything else? Especially if it's covert? It's beyond tricky to get folks in "normal relationships" to understand.

[Turkish]

My ex started comparing me to one of her ex's sexually. That's not exactly motivating, nor was her texting him in front of me and telling me he saw our picture on my MySpace and saying, "why are you with him? I'm a lot better looking." He cheated on her and left her. Why the   would she tell me that anyway? She still idealized him and had no empathy towards my feelings. I felt like saying "if your sex was so 'mind-blowing' why did he cheat on you and leave you?"

I told my friends more things after that even they didn't see. My mom later, too. They were shocked. They invalidated me a bit, but I realized that at the end of the day,  this was my burden to bear alone.

[I Am Redeemed]

Being told to move on after a breakup, BPD or not, is invalidating, even if your friends and family don't intend it that way.

They were not emotionally invested, so they don't feel your loss like you do, and if the relationship was not healthy at best or abusive and toxic at worst, outside people may not be able to see why it still hurts to break up.

There's a really good Ted talk, I can't remember who the woman is at the moment, but anyway, she speaks about how invalidating it is to be encouraged or expected to "move on" after the death of a loved one. She says a better way to look at it is "moving forward''. Even though a breakup is not a death of a loved one, it is a death of a dream, a hope, a reality that was yours. It's still grief. You can take all the time you need to feel all the feelings and go through the stages of grief, and process your very real loss.

Other people may not ever understand, unless they have been through it. My family doesn't understand why I stayed in an abusive relationship. They were unsupportive and actually actively worked against me while I was in it, and told me and others that something was wrong with me. I didn't find support and validation until I found this community.

[once removed]

you cant make them understand.

you can tell them what you need in terms of support.

i was fortunate in that i had family and close friends who listened at first, and i think, on a lot of levels, understood. but they ran out of things to say. they ran out of advice. and frankly, no one likes to be in that position. sometimes, it is hardest to just truly listen.

you can share some articles from this site. i did, and it helped, though in some cases it didnt. you can lean on them in other ways...one of the best things for me in my recovery was just having some company, someone that cared, some cheering up, some distraction. you can see a therapist (highly recommended) who will understand. if youre religious, you can pray. you can lean on us here. i can assure you, we get it.

bottom line, what is it, in terms of support, that you want from your friends and family, and (whether or not they can all provide it), how can you communicate that?

[Ozzie101]

I echo the rest of the gang. It is difficult in these situations.

I'm still with my uBPDh, but I did temporarily leave him and I shared a lot of what had been going on with my family and a couple of friends. The friends were understanding and supportive, as were my parents. My sisters, however, got really upset when I decided to go back to him. They all urged me to get a divorce. One even told me, "I don't get it. You can find someone else to marry."

They didn't and still don't understand that it's not that simple. I love him. Despite his problems, he's still a good, thoughtful, kind and loving man. He has problems, yes, but as long as he's willing to work on them (and he has been), then I'm staying and working on our marriage.

As my therapist said, the truth is, there are only two people who really know your relationship: you and your partner. You're the expert. You know what it was like. For people who've never been in your place, no, they probably won't ever truly understand. The best you can hope for is that they stand by you and support you, whether they fully agree with you or not. You may have to be selective in who you talk to. I've learned not to talk much to my sisters about things. I save that for my therapist. My parents are somewhere in the middle of the rankings.

[VMJ7675]

My “break-up”  was with a best friend – not a romantic relationship — and it is still the hardest separation from a person I have ever experienced.  I think it’s just that with BPD people the emotions and feelings are so unbelievably intense. My friend shared so many intimate stories about herself, and told me about all the traumas she had faced in her life (although at this point I don’t know what of that to believe and what not to believe but that’s a whole other story…). She was SO needy and I was at a point my life where I needed something myself, and it felt really really good to be helping this other person.  And the “rewards” I got from that were big — she would tell me she loved me, she had never had a friend that close, I was saving her life and making her see what a happy family could be like etc. etc. etc.  And she was unbelievably fun and animated (when she wasn’t lying in bed depressed, but during those times I felt more needed than ever).   And then January 1 of this year in what seemed completely out of the blue, she blocked my contact and I have never spoken to her again.    I tried to contact her and then I realized I had been blocked. And it was very unexpected because we had been talking about getting together and where our friendship was going in 2019 etc. etc.   The ghosting has made it very difficult to get over because it just seems surreal that a friend who was so close that she told me she “loved me like a sister” would cut me off without a word and I would never hear from her again. It’s now been over four months and I still can’t make sense of it . 

So to get back to your original question about how you can explain it to family members, I don’t know if anyone can ever understand until they experience it, but is just so much more intense a relationship than with your average person .   But then the bizarre irratic behaviors turn it into something that you just cannot make sense of when the time comes to let it go.