Hi rise up,
I often times have those run away arguments with my partner; that seem to start out of nothing and then go round and round and end up on the moon.
In fact I just posted a thread about a similar argument (different topic, same general premise) about a week ago.
Grey Kitty responded and I like the response so much that I cut and pasted it in here.
You know what wasn't working and what would work better. Perhaps I can help you understand why it didn't work.
We have something in the lessons about "How to get out of a circular argument." That is exactly what you were in.
She's not going to leave the circular argument willingly... .because she *is* getting something out of it. What she's getting is a chance to avoid her uncomfortable feelings by blaming you for them.
Anything you do that is 'rational' or 'reasonable' will point out that you aren't to blame for her feelings. Which will invalidate her... .and make things worse.
If you want to end the circular argument before it turns into a full-blown rage, you have to walk away... .while she is telling you that it is your fault, you are being unreasonable, you aren't listening to her, etc., etc., etc.
A statement like "I cannot participate in this discussion anymore." is the best you can do.
Boy that made bunches of sense to me.
Our circular arguments always start with her feeling disrespected, her needs not being considered, and her heightened rejection sensitivity going through the roof. There is always a germ of truth in there somewhere, for me the one that set us off was I didn't want her to attend an event with me. BOOM, and we are off.
Some times I can validate and it stops the progression, sometimes the disorder wins and the best I can do is stop the discussion and walk away.
When my partner deregulates to the point where she is telling me I am dishonest and uncaring there is no point listening to that. It's not good for either of us. I try to disengage gently. Something along the lines of "your thoughts are important to me but I need to take a break from this conversation now" if I am physically leaving or ending a conversation on the phone I will say I'll call you back tomorrow or see you later or we will talk again later so as not to trigger an abandonment issue.
my take from my experience is there is no perfect solution to the cell phone dilemma, the demands and reactions will continue to be fluid and unreasonable. I would suggest you practice a SET statement. A short simple one and then stick too it. Something like,
I can see that it's important for you to be able to reach me occasionally during the day.
It must be hard to feel you were left hanging. That would upset anyone.
You're calls and texts are important to me. I will do the best I can to take them. There will be times I won't be able to get right back to you. I will reply as soon as I can.
in your own words of course. And probably shorter.
'ducks