Should I stay or should I go now...clashed

[zman]

I am spending so much of my time and energy on this relationship that my health is suffering.  I am getting severe headaches, screaming by myself in car, severe anxiety, panic attacks with chest pains at night.  I am not eating on a schedule.  I am unable to work out or read or do things to take care of my self.  If I do take care of myself she says that I am cold and uncaring.  After spending 2 days with her I got moody and just went to bedroom and she said I was violating an agreement.  Then the next morning after she said we would do yoga in morning, we didn't do any yoga and she was upset and angry with me.  Then she went out of the house to buy groceries.  When she came back i was reading and laying on couch.  She did a bunch of chores but was upset.  I asked are you ok.  She said actually I am not.  She was upset that I was cold and uncaring and then of course no yoga and no dinner preparation for the week... .so I went to my room... .We live in separate rooms and we haven't been talking now is third day.  There is tension that comes and goes but this seems like a horrible way to live life.  We have made progress in that there is no yelling and insults ( if there is we take timeouts ) but in general I feel my life is chaotic and I can't rely on her.  I have to pick up the slack and she does things on her own terms and nothing is predictable.  We cant plan any travel or trips or workouts or hanging out time because it all goes down hill and plans just get ruined and we dont end up eating or working out or going to zoo... .it just kind of sucks... .I guess i have to come to terms with uncertainty or just end the relationship .

To top all of this she is a professional mental therapist and mediator! Isn't it ironic - don't you think?  In her childhood she has suffered long term sexual abuse by father and although in her words "after 15 years I thought I worked through it" we are still highly conflicted with occasional suicide threats and failed attempts (she jumped from a tree and hit branches on the way down)... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey zman, What do you want to see happen?  If you're unsure, listen to your gut feelings.  Do you think your r/s is built to last?  Only you know when and if its time to get off the roller coaster.

LuckyJim

[zman]

I feel that my health and happiness are suffering and that she does have qualities that are great but the conflict once or twice a week is really wearing me down.  Is that all there is in life constantly working out a conflict that never gets resolved?  Is she the only woman I could be happy with?  Why do I have to put in all that work?  I guess that is selfish of me but I didn't cause it... .just so tired and burned out.  A month ago during one of our arguments she grabbed scissors and held it at her wrist with a desperation look threatening to slice lengthwise.  I begged her to stop but I was seriously freaked out.  Why do I feel obligated to save her?  Relationship should be a choice not an obligation.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey zman, Been there; done that.  All good questions and points made.  You already know the answers and what you need to do, so follow through, friend.

LuckyJim

[resago]

I've been her before.  The thing to know if that you can't help her all you can do is show her love.  You have to look at your own feelings toward her as far of staying or going.  I can tell you she needs help, but the only person that can help her is herself.  I've had 3 husbands walk out on me and it only caused me more mistrust and emotional pain that I have to work thru to add to what baggage I have already.  I too was sexually abused by my father and two stepfathers, a next door neighbor and a deacon at our church that drove the youth van before I was 12 years old.  I'm 50.  Time doesn't heal those kind of deep wounds.  They stay with you forever.  You just have to find the right person and learn to trust and love again.  She may be emotional incapable of both of these things.  That's just from my own personal experience.  I wish you the best.  Also, prayer can never hurt.

[zman]

She is a great person and I don't doubt her love for me.  She has made a ton of progress, but regularly once a week we get into giant argument where it is always my fault.  She can not accept responsibility for anything in argument, but she does listen to things I ask to change and tries hard to implement them.  The latest is I drew a circle split in half and said her fault and my fault.  I would write down things that she said were my fault and she can not and will deflect argument and change without writing anything into her fault... .Don't really know how she could realize it even when she is not upset.

[zman]

Today was a bad day... .Involved me jumping out of car twice and running on the road in cold winter with nicely ironed pants and shirt.  My work shirt was soaked and she followed me with her car aiming for me.  For a moment, I was scared for my life, but I evaded her quickly.  I told myself this was the last straw.  I dont need this crap.  I dont need any more proofs.  In february, I am leaving... .I am waiting for lease to get closer which runs out in end of April.  I can't tell her that I am leaving because who knows what she will try to do.  My plan is to wait after she goes to work and me then to call in sick from work and evacuate all my clothes and small belongings... .I will pay the rest of lease for feb, mar, and april but after that she is on her own.  In mean time I will pretend everything is ok so she doesnt go ballistic.  I am sure there will be at least 5 more fights at one per week rate... .So 5 more fights and i can leave - F this.  I dont care i will rather be alone.

[itgirl]

zman - Your plan sounds solid.  You deserve more.  And if your health is affected you need to listen to your body.  Take care of you.

rooting for you.

[zman]

Thank you itgirl.  I have to be patient.  I just have to get through holidays and January and it will be time to go and leave all this behind.

[zman]

Well... .My plan to evacute silently didnt go so silent.  After the new years party because i was downstairs watching tv she started to come at me repeatedly and i kept backing away.  I ran upstairs and closed the door and held it closed.  She kept trying to repeatedly smash the door open with her full body slam.  Then she went and got something like a screwdriver or something metallic and she kept saying you have 90 seconds it is your choice.  Her 8 year old started to scream no mommy no mommy because he must have seen what she was gonna do either to herself or me.  I called 911.  Police came.  Luckily I had for the past couple of months been trying to gather all my belongings in one room - when they say you need an escape plan - better believe it.  I did find a place to rent for possible january 23rd move in date but things escalated so quickly and instead of moving out with all my belongings i took most important but that is ok.  Police stayed made sure i could get all my stuff.  I rented a hotel and will be getting apartment hopefully soon.  I have blocked her number and notified landlord.  I do not am not going back.  I have to deal with ptsd and all my stuff in car but i can handle it the worst is behind me

[Lucky Jim]

Hey zman, Sorry to hear about your New Year's nightmare, though in some ways a clean break is a good way to start the New Year.  As you note, things can escalate suddenly with a pwBPD, crossing over from arguing to abuse.  My BPDxW smashed down a door, too, so this is all quite familiar to me.  Think you are on the right path, my friend.  Take good care of yourself.

LuckyJim