Mom with BPD traits is bedridden for days.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Tuff situation right now. Tension has been growing for the smallest of complaints against me and my husband for years now, stuff like tone of voice when just speaking has been seen as rejection, but I did my best to accommodate and just swollow the pain. Like being asked to leave because she had really deep anxhiety. And we only meet one week a year nowadays since we moved far away a few years ago.

 This summer my mom freaked out and wanted us to have a talk. Eventually I could not control my self and told her how I felt about my upbringing, being the outcast for minor mistakes, (like no one speaking to me for days because I was sighing, she thought I had a bad attitude, but all I really did was sighing because I was physically tired, stuff like that). We made peace but several of us in the family asked her to get help, like she did when I was younger and it got better for a while. She said she was not ill anymore and refused help. A week later she convinced her husband that he was the one who was ill and he went to the hospital and got medicine for depression, which she later took as well. Since then we talked once on the phone, but she was very wierd, like she was talking to an acquaintance that she did not expect a call from.

My sister has been the new scapegoat, which I did not fully realize at first. She now studies a bit further away and rents a room with a family during the weekdays. I wanted to help her since she has been having a really hard time. I messaged in our family chat that I would visit her and stay at her room for some days but would like if they could come to her town to visit us for one day. (This is my second visit to the area this year, so we already went for our yearly visit - week) They never visit us, afraid of flying, expensive etc.  Now I’m beginning to wonder if this was a mistake, although, my sister and I really, really needed this time alone together!

My mother never answered this message. My sister said that it seems like my mom was very upset over that we are spending time together and said why don’t I adopt my sister and so on. As far as I’ve heard she has been bedridden for some days at home, almost unreachable to speak to. I’ve written messages to her husband to explain that I did not mean to exclude them by visiting my sister and I think that he is ok with it now, although at start I think he blamed me for not coming. He put me on speaker today with my mom and I told her that I love her and that it’s ok to be sad but I did not mean anything bad, I never do, I’m thinking about her and hope that she will get better soon, - she did not really reply.

Now me and my sister are afraid that my sister will get hell the next time she comes home. It would be hard for her to leave home fully yet, until some months later on, financially, but we don’t know what to do.

And then there is also our younger brother who stays at home, but he is “the good son”, I can only worry about one now, the scapegoat who feels lonely and scared. Although I encourage my brother about school too, so I try at least.

What do I do about my mom, I don’t think I could force her in to care, but I’m so worried, it feels like this is a downward spiral that has been here for a long time and just gets worse. Her husband said that she refuses care as always and he sometimes agrees with her outbursts against us like he did when I was a kid too.

Should I feel guilty that I had made it worse with this visit to my sister? I know I probably should not, but they are experts in giving guilt.

I’m so tired of this, it’s so hurtful. I’ve been seeing a therapist which has been great and hopefully my sister will start now too.

Should I go to see my mom tomorrow and try to force her to go to the hospital? Or should I try to get her husband to force her as far as it goes without violence?   I don’t know what to do. 

[Maya L]

Tuff situation right now. Tension has been growing for the smallest of complaints against me and my husband for years now, stuff like tone of voice when just speaking has been seen as rejection, but I did my best to accommodate and just swollow the pain. Like being asked to leave because she had really deep anxhiety. And we only meet one week a year nowadays since we moved far away a few years ago.

 This summer my mom freaked out and wanted us to have a talk. Eventually I could not control my self and told her how I felt about my upbringing, being the outcast for minor mistakes, (like no one speaking to me for days because I was sighing, she thought I had a bad attitude, but all I really did was sighing because I was physically tired, stuff like that). We made peace but several of us in the family asked her to get help, like she did when I was younger and it got better for a while. She said she was not ill anymore and refused help. A week later she convinced her husband that he was the one who was ill and he went to the hospital and got medicine for depression, which she later took as well. Since then we talked once on the phone, but she was very wierd, like she was talking to an acquaintance that she did not expect a call from.

My sister has been the new scapegoat, which I did not fully realize at first. She now studies a bit further away and rents a room with a family during the weekdays. I wanted to help her since she has been having a really hard time. I messaged in our family chat that I would visit her and stay at her room for some days but would like if they could come to her town to visit us for one day. (This is my second visit to the area this year, so we already went for our yearly visit - week) They never visit us, afraid of flying, expensive etc.  Now I’m beginning to wonder if this was a mistake, although, my sister and I really, really needed this time alone together!

My mother never answered this message. My sister said that it seems like my mom was very upset over that we are spending time together and said why don’t I adopt my sister and so on. As far as I’ve heard she has been bedridden for some days at home, almost unreachable to speak to. I’ve written messages to her husband to explain that I did not mean to exclude them by visiting my sister and I think that he is ok with it now, although at start I think he blamed me for not coming. He put me on speaker today with my mom and I told her that I love her and that it’s ok to be sad but I did not mean anything bad, I never do, I’m thinking about her and hope that she will get better soon, - she did not really reply.

Now me and my sister are afraid that my sister will get hell the next time she comes home. It would be hard for her to leave home fully yet, until some months later on, financially, but we don’t know what to do.

And then there is also our younger brother who stays at home, but he is “the good son”, I can only worry about one now, the scapegoat who feels lonely and scared. Although I encourage my brother about school too, so I try at least.

What do I do about my mom, I don’t think I could force her in to care, but I’m so worried, it feels like this is a downward spiral that has been here for a long time and just gets worse. Her husband said that she refuses care as always and he sometimes agrees with her outbursts against us like he did when I was a kid too.

Should I feel guilty that I had made it worse with this visit to my sister? I know I probably should not, but they are experts in giving guilt.

I’m so tired of this, it’s so hurtful. I’ve been seeing a therapist which has been great and hopefully my sister will start now too.

Should I go to see my mom tomorrow and try to force her to go to the hospital? Or should I try to get her husband to force her as far as it goes without violence?   I don’t know what to do. 

[Notwendy]

The kind of family dynamics you describe are common and very similar to my family. Mom has BPD, Dad ( now deceased) was her rescuer. Siblings take on various roles - scapegoat, golden child. Occasionally we switch places depending on who BPD mom is angry at, but the roles seem to stay pretty constant. I am the scapegoat mostly.

If you have not read about the Karpman triangle it will help you understand. Your mother takes victim role, her husband is her rescuer/enabler. This will not change. For these roles to work, there has to be a persecutor- it can be you, a sibling or someone else. Bonding together against a common persecutor works to keep your parents stable. When they are looking at someone or something else to blame, they are not looking at their own issues. When mom is in victim mode and dad rescues/enables her, she feels loved, he feels like a hero. This works for them.

Once you understand this, you will see that these dynamics have less to do with you than with your mom. You could change yourself, move in with her, take care of her all day long, give up your own interests to do this- and it won't fix her. Your sister could decline her education and move back home- and it will not  fix your mother. Of course, neither of you should do this- it would be a waste of your time and potential. A parent who cares about their children would not expect this or want it- they want their children to be in contact of course but also to have their own goals, education, lives. You and your siblings should absolutely do this.

Also with denial and projection, your mother may not ever take responsibility for her own mental health. My mother did this too- believed my father had a mental illness and sent him for treatment. Told her family I did too. She blamed me for her marital problems and after I went to college, I believed all was fine between my parents and that was not true.

I don't know why your mother is bedridden and hope it isn't a serious illness. She may be depressed and that is serious but that requires a mental health professional. If she won't seek treatment, and seems to be a danger to herself- the solution isn't you trying to fix this. Someone needs to call 911 and have her treated if she won't.

As badly as this feels, this is not your issue. You did not cause this. You have every right to have your own life with your husband, visit your sister. Your sister has every right to pursue her education and move away from home. This is your mother's mental problems, and her husband's enabling. You can be compassionate, you can call 911 if you feel you need to, but you don't have the power to fix her BPD.

[Maya L]

Thank you Notwendy! This was the encouragement I needed! They are good at guilt-giving, so it’s nice to hear an objective opinion about it.

My stepdad was glad that I called my mom, he thought it was good in the long run, so it felt good that I tried. She is bedridden now due to depression, but he said that it usually gets better after a while. I guess I have to trust his judgement to call the emergency number if it is needed. He is a good guy, it’s just that his emotions follows her emotions sometimes.

I will look in to the Karpmans triangle. I’m happy that I read the book “Stop walking on eggshells” too. The more insight I get, the easier it gets, although it sometimes gets worse for a while. 

[Harri]

Hi MayaL! 

I am glad Notwendy posted about the Karpman drama triangle.  She is an expert with it.  It is a really helpful dynamic to understand and can also help you determine when and how to set boundaries, another important thing in a relationship with a pwBPD. 

I hope your mother gets better soon and I hope your stepfather is able to get help for her if needed.  Him following her emotions is a common thing we hear about.  If you feel like she is a danger to herself and you are not sure of your stepfather being able to help her would you feel comfortable calling for a well check?  That can get a professional there to assess the situation and I am pretty sure your call can be anonymous.  Just an idea... .may not be a good one, you get to decide.

I don'[t think you can force anyone to do anything in this case though like I said if she is a danger to herself you are certainly justified in calling for an ambulance.  You can word it as "I am concerned about you and your well being and I can either give you a ride to the hospital or I can call an ambulance.  Which one do you prefer?"  Don't give her/them the option of doping nothing.  Again, only if you judge she is a danger to herself.

As for should you feel guilty?  No.  Not much help though is that.  You feel what you feel.  Feelings just are and you do not need to act on them.  A lifetime of dealing with your mom putting guilt on you trained you to feel it and respond in certain ways so it won't just go away.  You have to work on it, first by training yourself not to react to it as you always have.

BTW, I am sorry it took me so long to respond to this.  I got caught up in stuff.   

[Maya L]

Thanks for the tips Harri!

Apparently she got a bit better, but she won’t contact me. But maybe that’s for the better for me anyway. Could use a break from her drama.

[Harri]

Hi Maya.  I've been wondering how things were going but did not want to bother you.  Thanks for the update.

Taking breaks is a good thing.  Generally it is not a good idea to chase them anyway... .give them time to settle back to baseline and self-soothe.

How are you doing now that things have settled a bit?