BPD Shopping Impulses: What to do with all the GIFTS they give you?

[jasmine123]

My BPD parent shops impulsively. This weekend when I visited them, they gave me a TON of Christmas decorations. In the past, I would have been really stressed about that, worrying that they are ruining their finances and that in their old age I will have to deal with their financial problems.  However, based on the advise from the book "How to Stop Walking on Egg Shells" I have accepted I can't control this behavior and I have stopped trying to manage it.

Now that I have accepted the gifts, what do I do with them? Some of them I actually really like, and about 1/3 of it I really don't care for. Do I keep it all? Do I return the items I don't want for store credit? Or is going to the store to return them not worth all that time? I am slightly annoyed that I have to go make returns, but realize in the grand scheme of things that's not something to complain about! Also, I feel guilty for not being more appreciative, and afraid that if I return them I will 1. offend my BPD parent and 2. waste some of my day. Basically F.O.G. (fear, obligation, and guilt) are settling into my mind and I am not sure what to do with these gifts!
 
Conversely, my fear of keeping it all is 1. I honestly don't like some of it, so looking at it will be slightly annoying... .2. I am afraid that if I accept everything my BPD parent gives me I will be enabling their behavior. Then they will continue to buy excessive gifts for me, and my home will eventually become very cluttered with stuff I don't want!

My current thought is to donate or return what I don't like and if my BPD parent asks "Where is ___?" I can say "I really appreciated it, but it didn't quite fit in my home so I exchanged it." Is honesty the best policy? Should I not justify why I returned it and simply say "I appreciated it, but needed to exchange it." Thoughts?

[Panda39]

I have an issue related to this, my mother sends me "family things" like a formal silver coffee service, that I don't like and will never use, I have an antique fireplace bellows that looked great in her colonial style house, but looks ridiculous in my apartment among other things.  Right now I'm just sitting on them, but will be likely moving next summer so am trying to thin out my belongings so I don't have as much stuff to move.

I'm looking at donating some things and selling some items on ebay. 

Yes, the conundrum on what to say  

I think being truthful is best... .it wasn't something I needed so I donated it to _________. 

Now if I could follow my own advice   

Panda39

[GaGrl]

I am in a situation of combining two 4-bedroom houses, not too long after combining my parent's house with one of the newer houses. Jeez! Can you end up with more "stuff"?

I have been talking with my mother about the purge. It isn't easy. Much of her "stuff" represents the life she built with my father, after a Depression childhood. That I don't want two out of three of her bone china dining sets is disappointing to her.

On the other hand, so the conversations do get to a level of "What is important?" and " What is really needed? "  It is good dialogue. It's pulling my 92 year old motherhood a life-long focus on appearance.

[Harri]

Definitely be truthful but kind.  You've got some great suggestions already. 

I don't think saying "I returned it" is necessarily justifying anything.  It is a statement of fact.  How they take it is up to them.

[Turkish]

My mother was always a compulsive shopper. When I was a child, we went garage saleing every weekend.  In the summer when I was out of school,  I learned that Mondays,  Tuesdays,  Wednesdays and Thursdays were also good garage saleing days.  I HATED it!

My mom overbought for my kids. Some things were cool, but I only have a 1Ksf home and a 1 car garage.  Too much stuff. I didn't refuse anything (how could i?) But I recently did a major toy purge earlier this year.  My mom also got me the baby Einstein books/DVDs. I never used them.  My mom once asked me about it and I was honest.  I think she said,  "then why did I buy them?" I deflected and let it go.  I think she was a little hurt and possibly insulted. 

About 15 years ago,  my mother told me that she has to cut yup her debit card.  She was overdrawing because she was buying too much stuff from the jewelry channel. I remember visiting her and seeing stacks of jewelry boxes.  My mother was a hoarder,  too, to a pathological extreme. 

Yes, it sucks to see someone on a fixed income self sabotage,  but that is their right to do so.  My mother knew she was a hoarder, too, like on the tv show. 

[HappyChappy]

BPD are capable of giving gifts ? Wow. Someone tell my family.

My guess is whatever you do a BPD can find a way to criticise. So why not do what you want, your suggestion makes sense. S.E.T. recommends we are truthful. BPD are impulsive, so why not take some benefits from that ?

My BPD and NPD use to buy gifts as insults. E.g. I’m dyslexic and one year all I got was a dictionary. My NPD would only buy cheep second hand things and always left the 20 pence sticker on the back. These days I buy my own present, only I don't have the hart to tell myself I have very bad taste, so I just keep buying rubbish. Do whats best for you.  

[Notwendy]

Happy Chappy- me too! BPD mom rarely gives me anything. For her, a gift is a way to buy someone's affection or to impress them. She is generous to my kids- she wants them to think she is a nice grandmother. She is generous to the kids on her FOO's side- for the same reason.

I rarely hear from her FOO. The present they gave me for my wedding was chipped and broken. They are financially comfortable. It's not that I expect anything from them, but they could buy items that aren't broken or defective if they choose to.

For a milestone birthday, my mother sent me something so generic and impersonal. I cried when I saw it.

With the over abundance of Christmas presents- maybe send them to a nursing home, or a church that would donate them to people who can't afford them. Maybe turn your mother's spending into something happy for somebody?

[Panda39]

Happy Chappy & Nowendy you guys are not alone in receiving nothing.

My SO's daughter's get nothing from their mother either unless it proves to the world how wonderful she is (gift has nothing to do with her daughters).  Typically they get nothing, nada, for Christmas or their birthdays from their mother other than sometimes a card that promises to get them things that never materialize, but if she promises it, then in her mind it happened, so she doesn't actually have to buy it.

One gift that does stand out for me is the year D22 got a TVGuide with someone on it she liked on the cover for Christmas. YAY   said nobody. 

The best gift ever... .you know the car ads at Christmas with new cars and the big red bows? No, this wasn't it... .one year for Christmas when they were still married she gave my SO the window sticker of a car that he liked.  So like above, she promised it, therefore he got a new car.  In his mind What the heck? Thanks for giving me the gift I can't have 

I agree SET is a good tool here, and I like Notwendy's idea of donating to a church or nursing home.

Like with everything else BPD gift giving is either black (nothing/neglect) or white (too much/over indulgent).

Panda39

[etown]

My BPD mom is also a big gift giver, but her gifts are often basically garbage that she imbues with an absurd, suffocating level of emotional meaning. Sometimes she'll send whole boxes of bizarre trinkets from the dollar store or stacks of paper with recipes she cut and pasted from the internet without trying them or cheap costume jewelry my grandmother owned that's all tangled and rusted. Once while visiting, she noticed that I didn't have a pie lifter. So she bought me a plastic one on sale in her city--I know it cost less than $2 because she left the price tag on. Then she mailed it to me in my city, which must have cost $20.
So I end up with these absurd gifts, some of which I like or are useful, but all of which carry this huge gross feeling around them. It took me a long time to figure out that it wasn't the cheapness that bothered me, but that sense of desperation they carry, like she's trying to buy my attention but she is incapable of seeing what I actually want or like. Do you get this feeling around these things? Whatever you choose to do with them, I sense that it's the feeling that needs attention as much as the stuff itself.

[Joha242]

My uBPDm does something similar as what you've said above. She looves gifting, and it's been discussed often that she doesn't care if the recipient likes it or not. She WANTS you to HAVE the gift, just for the sheer joy of HER giving it to YOU (all narcissism). She doesn't care if you want or need it, she just has to do it.  The gifts are always - ALWAYS - about her and if they happen to not be, she will make sure to interject somehow, sure as rain.

(BTW, isn't it weird when people travel and they bring you back something from that place? What is that? Like, you need to be reminded that your stepmom went to Africa so here's a t-shirt? And your mom went to Turkey so here's a lame coffee cup that says "Turkey"? I've never understood that part of gifting, the travel souvenirs. We've never been to Hawaii, but my kids have plenty of t-shirts from there. What the heck is that?)

Probably as a reflex, I couldn't care less about gifting to anyone except my own kids (age 10 and 6), and even then I'm just kinda barely into it (they are not hurting for STUFF, we are fine, thanks -- ).  

So, needless to say, the holidays are a shoot-show. My uBPDm wants to give us tons of stuff, but she (graciously?) likes to run a bunch of it past me first. I get a flurry of emails and I tell her that I don't care and I say so, so she gets hurt and icky. Same thing, year after year. One time she gave my daughter, age 5 at the time, what she called a "look-at toy," a porcelain tapdancer on a string weighted to a heavy base. Does my daughter tapdance? Nope, but my uBPDm does. Needless to say, it got broken... .and I hate to say it but I thought it was pretty funny.

My uBPDm's gifts are also weighted with heavy emotional meaning that she just neeeeeeeeds to give to someone else. My rules for the kids' gifts are 1) don't give me something in which we need to rearrange furniture to accommodate, 2) nothing with batteries, and 3) don't be surprised if you don't see it here next time you visit -- and don't ask about it. My uBPDm knows I don't like a lot of stuff, and I tell her often that if she gives it to me, expect that I may donate it. It makes her wilt a bit but my home is MY space and I'm unapologetic about what I allow in it. Plus, yeah, there's always a crappy vibe around it for me that I just can't snap.

[Joha242]

@etown... ."It took me a long time to figure out that it wasn't the cheapness that bothered me, but that sense of desperation they carry, like she's trying to buy my attention but she is incapable of seeing what I actually want or like. Do you get this feeling around these things? Whatever you choose to do with them, I sense that it's the feeling that needs attention as much as the stuff itself."  YES. TOTALLY. EXACTLY. 

[Notwendy]

I agree about the fact that it isn't the cost of the gift but that it doesn't reflect thought about who I am and what I would like. I could think of a lot of things my BPD mother could have sent for that birthday that would have cost the same or less- and I would have been happy to have them.

The gift was impersonal. I know this because she gives the same thing to people she knows for various occasions. I've even taken her to the store to buy it so she has some on hand- for an occasion where she needs a not too personal gift.

When I received a package in the mail from her, I actually got my hopes up for a minute, not because she spent money on me but that, she remembered my birthday and thought to send something. Then, when I saw the generic all purpose gift, I was sad.

[Harri]

When I received a package in the mail from her, I actually got my hopes up for a minute, not because she spent money on me but that, she remembered my birthday and thought to send something. Then, when I saw the generic all purpose gift, I was sad.

This. Hurts. A. Lot   

Remember guys, they can't see you and that is their loss.

[Panda39]

Aww Geez Notwendy that sucks.  

etown I'm sorry you are the recipient of so much (emotional & actual) junk.  The $2 pie lifter shipped for $20, now there is some BPD logic!  

If all of these things weren't so sad, they would be hilarious because they are so unbelievable.

joha I think we could all take a note from your book.  Just be honest... .no guilt. It's always that darn guilt.

Panda39

[HappyChappy]

Like with everything else BPD gift giving is either black (nothing/neglect) or white (too much/over indulgent).

Any ideas on how you can encourage a BPD to flip from neglect to over indulgent ? From black to white. This is a serious question, presents are at stake here. 

Or better still, swap peoples rolls in triangulation (the Holy Grail)? If you don't know , I'll take your best guess.

[Libra]

My mother recently visited us at our house.
When I was not around to hear, she asked D9 where some of the books she had bought them long ago had gone.
These were toddler books, which we donated to the school long ago, as they no longer serve any purpose in our home.
When D9 later brought up the subject with me, my mother said she didn't know what D9 was talking about. Her hearing aids seemed to be malfunctioning al of a sudden.  
She is now trying to load the FOG onto my children instead of me.  

My mother loves buying gifts for her grandchilden, especially clothing.  But she expects them to remain eternally aware of  and grateful for the gifts she has given them. It is almost as if she has a checklist in her mind of all the things we should thank her for. If the children happen to be wearing one of her 'gifts' when she is visiting, this will certainly be remarked upon. Not in a positive way ('You look nice in that!), but in a FOG way ('Oh, so you DO actually wear the things I buy for you occasionally? I have NEVER seen you wear any of the other things!).

I am trying to teach my children to be grateful and to say thank you when they receive gifts. I am also trying to teach them that gratitude is not a debt that should be re-imbursed over and over again. Heaven forbid that they start thinking 'GMa is coming, so I'd better wear those earrings she bought me,  or that T-shirt... .'

I think I need to lead by example for my children, and this means being respectful and grateful for gifts, but also being honest and open if they (no longer) fill any purpose. Even if this may result in hurt feelings or backlash from the gifter.

This season is very triggering for my mother. She absolutely wants to buy something for every one of us for Christmas, and she's been badgering us or ideas for weeks. So we recently suggested inexpensive, easy-to-find items for each of us. Yesterday evening, I received a rant mail from her: for once she had risked ordering something online, ESPECIALLY for ME. She had already paid for it, and now she had received an e-mail saying her order had been cancelled. It was a DISASTER. She would NEVER EVER buy ANYTHING online again in her life!
This was after I had received a deluge of mails during the day regarding christmass presents for my husband and our 2 children, which resulted in her asking me to go buy the gift she wants to give DH. I am still looking for a way to throw that hot potato back where it belongs.

Notwendy, that is just awfull. Being let down all over again. Remember: It is not about you, and it does not define you. 

Libra.

[Joha242]

<< This was after I had received a deluge of mails during the day regarding christmass presents for my husband and our 2 children >> ... .  I get these too, and I rarely answer them, or if I do it's just a short sentence. That's one of the small ways I can protect my head space from her.

[Joha242]

<< If the children happen to be wearing one of her 'gifts' when she is visiting, this will certainly be remarked upon. Not in a positive way ('You look nice in that!), but in a FOG way ('Oh, so you DO actually wear the things I buy for you occasionally? I have NEVER seen you wear any of the other things!). >> Wow... .this is some FOG-gy stuff isn't it? I need to brush up on emotional wellbeing as I simply read it and thought "yeah, that's my mom" and failed to recognize initially how loaded it all is. 

[Harri]

My mom loved to shop but mostly for bargains.  Designer clothes at crazy low prices, little things she had no need of but bought... .many to only return after several months of use.  She would leave the damn tag on the items she was not sure she would keep so I learned not to get too attached to the items with the tags still o n them.

On the other hand, she would think nothing of spending several hundred dollars, sometimes in the low thousands (no, my parents were not wealthy) on a designer purse but it would take her about 5 trips to the store to decide.  The decision would involve talking with several sales people, stopping random passersby to ask how it looked when she 'wore' it.  She would take stuff out of her own purse and put it in her potential target to make sure everything fit... .only to say she needed to think about it.  Then she would come home and talk with me, my brother and my father about whether she should buy it... .then go back to the store the next day to see if a different sales person was on while asking a new group of passers by for their opinion... .lather rinse repeat over the course of several days.  My brother and father and I would just say "buy it".  I can't speak for them but for me it was make it Sthaaap!    

She was very generous with what she bought unless it was something with the tag on it, like I said above because she would return it even if she already gave it to me.     Otherwise, most of her gifts were thoughtful and like I said generous... but always with strings attached and sometimes she would try to drag me (kicking and screaming) to the store to 'test' the item.  I mean who 'tries on' purses and umbrellas?

Is anyone really surprised that I hate shopping (except when I do it online) and when I do shop if I can't make a decision right then and there about something, that means the answer is no?  This has also made me somewhat of an impulsive buyer.  I mean who *needs* a decorative gourd?  Or one of those arc lams that are expensive but can only take a 40w bulb?  Can't even read by the darn thing!  But I got it and I like it ... .a lot!

[Notwendy]

Thanks, all, this isn't the first time she has disappointed me with gifts or no gifts- mostly no gifts. Honestly, I don't want anything from her. Getting a package in the mail was so unexpected I was surprised.

She is very generous with my kids. It's a bit uncomfortable because, she wants a relationship with them and they are polite to her, but are aware of her issues and know to not get too close to her. Getting a large money gift does make one feel a sense of obligation. I'm glad that the kids don't feel the sense of FOG I had growing up.

[sklamath]

So I end up with these absurd gifts, some of which I like or are useful, but all of which carry this huge gross feeling around them. It took me a long time to figure out that it wasn't the cheapness that bothered me, but that sense of desperation they carry, like she's trying to buy my attention but she is incapable of seeing what I actually want or like. Do you get this feeling around these things? Whatever you choose to do with them, I sense that it's the feeling that needs attention as much as the stuff itself.

I can so relate to this. I've gotten much better about donating things--after using or wearing them once in her company--so I don't have to re-experience the sadness each time I encounter the item.

It's been harder when she has asked for specific suggestions, and I suggest that I want one nice thing: a pocket knife, a jewelry box, or a nice pan. Not necessarily expensive, or even new, but something well-made that will remind me of her when I use it. Come Christmas morning, before I'm even finished unwrapping the thing, she intimates that it was just too hard to find the thing, and behold: the cheapest possible version. Accompanied by a bunch of other dollar store items. I did straight up tell her that the $20 set of pots and pans was getting exchanged for one nice pan, and to her credit, she didn't seem offended.

Our house was broken into several years ago and the jewelry box was stolen. I was bummed to lose the contents, but relieved to have an excuse to replace it. I never did tell her  it was stolen. I don't know if it was out of fear that she would be offended, or that she would try to replace it.

[Recycle]

Thank you for this thread!

I've always felt so alone with the "gift" thing my Mom does.

She has slowed down on her gift giving in recent years, but now it has morphed into a separate issue: She demands giving me the gifts she has purchased without her being present (she is pretty much homebound at this point in her life). She goes on and on about how she bought me a gift, but will never keep our plans for her to give the gift to me. She always tries to have her co-dependent husband drop it off at my house our work. 

[jasmine123]

Wow! It was so awesome to long on and see so many responses! I am very grateful for this community. A lot of you described tough situations. ☹ I hope that through this thread you realize you are not alone, and that we all have some new tools for how to handle these difficult gift giving situations!

For me what etown said rings true.

but that sense of desperation they carry, like she's trying to buy my attention but she is incapable of seeing what I actually want or like. Do you get this feeling around these things? Whatever you choose to do with them, I sense that it's the feeling that needs attention as much as the stuff itself.

I think that in part she buys gifts to show love (which is nice) but a large part of the gift giving is to meet her own needs: wanting to be needed, valued, and focused on. I also think it’s a coping tool from past trama she suffered that caused her to go without. It’s like she’s making up for the lack of possessions in her childhood.
It does make the gift feel kinda weird… it’s wrapped up in so many emotional and mental layers for both of us. I think acknowledging that it is not just a normal gift giving situation is helpful.

I think a lot of the tension on my side comes from conflicting boundaries. These boundaries
-I think its important to respect others.
-I think it’s important to show gratitude.

Conflict with these ones

-Stuff doesn’t give lasting satisfaction or happiness so I try not to focus on it.
-I live in a small apartment and don’t want it to be cluttered, especially with stuff I don’t like.

I also think what HappyChappy said is true:

My guess is whatever you do a BPD can find a way to criticise. So why not do what you want, your suggestion makes sense. S.E.T. recommends we are truthful.

I can't control how my BPD parent reacts. Even if I do all the "right" things she could still get upset. I think the best way to balance my boundaries is to return/exchange anything that I don't LOVE (or causes me anxiety) or NEED and try S.E.T.

Maybe like this: "I really appreciated you thinking of me and taking the time to buy me a gift. I exchanged ____ & ___ but kept _____. I really enjoy/love _____." Maybe kinda sandwiching the part about exchanging in between 2 more positive statements will be helpful. I also don't need to explain why I returned the item... .and, I need to NOT let the FOG cloud my mind!

P.S. Happy Chappy, I love your sense of humor! “Any ideas on how you can encourage a BPD to flip from neglect to over indulgent ? From black to white. This is a serious question, presents are at stake." LOL. We know we all need a sense of humor to keep up with the BPD people in our lives.

[Harri]

Maybe kinda sandwiching the part about exchanging in between 2 more positive statements will be helpful. I also don't need to explain why I returned the item... .and, I need to NOT let the FOG cloud my mind!

Ah yes!  The sandwich method of validation with some truth in between is quite effective a lot of time.