Deleting own comments & likes on their social media - who mentioned this here?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

A couple of days ago I came across a comment by someone on one of the threads in which the person said they had gone through all their social media accounts, back through all the ex's posts and deleted their own likes, comments, etc. In this way, they wanted to erase the entire relationship, from what I understood.

I meant to come in and ask more about that but didn't have time just then and now I can't recall in which thread this appeared! 

If the person who said this is reading, or if anyone else has gone to such lengths, could you tell me what the effect of it was for you?  Deleting one's own social media accounts, unfollowing / defriending, blocking - all those things make sense to me and I can see the useful of it. But I never considered going and erasing all public evidence of the relationship.  I am not saying this doesn't make sense to me, just that it's an extra step I never even considered.

I wonder if it was done in anger, or with coldness, if there was some kind of relief at the end of it? If it was more symbolic than practical.

I tend to hang on to mementos; pictures, letters, text messages. This is the first relationship I've ever had where I deleted hundreds of text and skype messages from my phone because there were just too many reminders of the nasty mind-games he was playing at the end. The sweet and funny messages from much longer ago are downloaded and stuck into a folder on my computer. I somehow feel that one day I might want to look at them again, for perspective or something. But not for a long while.

[VitaminC]

Hi,

A couple of days ago I came across a comment by someone on one of the threads in which the person said they had gone through all their social media accounts, back through all the ex's posts and deleted their own likes, comments, etc. In this way, they wanted to erase the entire relationship, from what I understood.

I meant to come in and ask more about that but didn't have time just then and now I can't recall in which thread this appeared! 

If the person who said this is reading, or if anyone else has gone to such lengths, could you tell me what the effect of it was for you?  Deleting one's own social media accounts, unfollowing / defriending, blocking - all those things make sense to me and I can see the useful of it. But I never considered going and erasing all public evidence of the relationship.  I am not saying this doesn't make sense to me, just that it's an extra step I never even considered.

I wonder if it was done in anger, or with coldness, if there was some kind of relief at the end of it? If it was more symbolic than practical.

I tend to hang on to mementos; pictures, letters, text messages. This is the first relationship I've ever had where I deleted hundreds of text and skype messages from my phone because there were just too many reminders of the nasty mind-games he was playing at the end. The sweet and funny messages from much longer ago are downloaded and stuck into a folder on my computer. I somehow feel that one day I might want to look at them again, for perspective or something. But not for a long while.

[hashtag_loyal]

Hi, VitaminC. I'm glad you liked my earlier post.   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296313.msg12783340#msg12783340

As for why I did it? It was both practical and symbolic.

Practical because I wanted to regain ownership of my digital life. I didn't want other people (particularly cute, single girls  ) to look at my profile and assume that I was still in a r/s with this girl. Also, I think a lot of her interaction was intentional. My ex never lets her exes completely go, and by commenting and liking all of my stuff, she would basically be laying a claim on me. I was not about to let that happen. I wanted her (and the world!) to know that I was a free and independent person!

Symbolic in that I wanted to erase her from my digital life, just as she had been erased from every other aspect of my life. I also came to realize that everything we had together as a couple was an illusion. It was not real. I had fallen in love with a mirage. I wanted to destroy what was left of the masquerade, and return to reality.

So the un-liking, un-taging and deleting became metaphor for all the corrections I had already made internally. I un-did every like, just as she had undone every "I love you". I erased every comment as she had erased every promise she ever made. I removed every picture of us together, just as I removed the final mask from her persona, and discovered the true darkness of her soul, and the emptiness of her character.

So how did all that feel? In one word, "LIBERATING!"

It felt great, because it was not done in anger, but rather through the cold contentment of indifference. I was able to go through so many of our happy memories and erase them all without feeling a thing.

At that point in time I realized that my long journey of healing was complete. I could close the chapter on the last year-and-a-half of my life with no regrets. I had learned what I had needed to learn, and now I can move on with my life.

And that felt pretty good indeed.

[FallBack!Monster]

I see what you're saying about keeping mementos.

I was showing my ex some pics from not too long ago, this was maybe a few weeks after we had parted.  In fact, i wasn't quite sure we were broken up.  I guess at that time she had failed to inform me. I did notice changes but wasn't quite sure yet.

When showing her, she once asked me why I keep those. As if it was irrelevant. Which also was a slap in the face.

There were pics of us in bed. She would be asleep as usual, and I would take a pic to show her how possessive she was of me; in a jokingly way.  That's when I really started to read who she is.  The mask had come off.

I kept those and deleted all others.  All social media communications, likes, etc.  All gone.  At that point it had no significance.  I decided to keep a selected few b/c those meant something to me.  I knew i couldn't and shouldn't have to explain to her.  If I need to explain it, then you are clueless, and I don't have the time.

For a pwBPD, i would imagine, the only mementos that mean anything to them, have nothing to do with their current or past partners.

[VitaminC]

Wow. Thank you so much for getting back and your thorough reply!
I hope it's ok if I ask a few more questions; your way of thinking about this really has me intrigued.

As for why I did it? It was both practical and symbolic.

Practical because I wanted to regain ownership of my digital life.

It's interesting you mention your "digital life". Do you think that one day you'll come back here and want to delete all your posts?  To get rid of anything at all that in any way connects you to a painful time in your life? Or is this site different somehow because its practical and symbolic value is more to do with you than her?

Symbolic in that I wanted to erase her from my digital life, just as she had been erased from every other aspect of my life. I also came to realize that everything we had together as a couple was an illusion. It was not real. I had fallen in love with a mirage. I wanted to destroy what was left of the masquerade, and return to reality.

I completely get the illusion, unreality, mirage, masquerade - all powerful words in this context. It's been said elsewhere on this site that we (nons) fall in love with a construct; someone who mirrors us initially which makes us feel phenomenal and then, when things sour, we ascribe all kinds of motivations and feelings to the BPD that excuses their behaviour - because we're trapped in a fantasy we created and really want to continue to believe in.

What do you think? Do you think that's true? Did we invent them as much as they invented us?

And if it was an illusion (I feel that way about my own relationship too) is there no value in remembering it? I mean, there were magical parts to that illusion and then really dark parts too, but if we co-wrote the story then that's a really creative act (admittedly a pretty self-destructive one).  I'm not playing word games, I hope it doesn't seem that way, but I'm just really interested in this idea of wanting to erase and forget.

Are you able to make your own mind forget the things, or is it more that you want anything public to be just gone?  :)o you want her to know what you are doing, or is this just for you ?

I was pretty private about my own relationship and we had very few interactions on social media. Instagram is the only exception. I wonder what I'd feel if I went back and unliked his posts. I don't even know if its possible. I wonder if he'd notice. I wonder if that would make any difference.

So the un-liking, un-taging and deleting became metaphor for all the corrections I had already made internally. I un-did every like, just as she had undone every "I love you". I erased every comment as she had erased every promise she ever made. I removed every picture of us together, just as I removed the final mask from her persona, and discovered the true darkness of her soul, and the emptiness of her character.

That is a really haunting image you've built there.  And that you speak of "corrections". We do have to correct our faulty perceptions, don't we, before we can actually move on.  People talk a lot about healing and what that entails - "corrections" is probably in there, but I don't recall anyone actually using that word before.

It's like a complex maths formula or something; somewhere along the way the equation goes wonky through some simple error and to make the result match the reality, you've got to erase all this stuff on the chalk-board and re-calculate (re-calibrate) everything. And then the board looks really different.  

It felt great, because it was not done in anger, but rather through the cold contentment of indifference. I was able to go through so many of our happy memories and erase them all without feeling a thing.

Can I ask how long after you split that you did this?  

I note your name here: hashtag_loyal
Very good. It made me smile.

[VitaminC]

When showing her, she once asked me why I keep those. As if it was irrelevant. Which also was a slap in the face.

There's something quite profound there in what you said.  When people don't care to remember, or just don't remember, something we think is worth remembering - it's taken as a sign of something, isn't it? That we're not in sync in some important way.

There were pics of us in bed. She would be asleep as usual, and I would take a pic to show her how possessive she was of me; in a jokingly way.  That's when I really started to read who she is.  The mask had come off.

What do you mean? You started to read her differently because of her reaction to the pictures you were showing her or to how she slept?  Can you explain?

I kept those and deleted all others.  All social media communications, likes, etc.  All gone.  At that point it had no significance.  I decided to keep a selected few b/c those meant something to me. 

You kept the ones of you in bed? The ones she didn't see the point of?  What did or do they mean to you - I mean, do they remind you of something good or to something you now understand differently ? 

And you also went back and deleted everything, all the likes etc ? Didn't it take ages? Did you want her to notice, or did you want to just undo the past?

For a pwBPD, i would imagine, the only mementos that mean anything to them, have nothing to do with their current or past partners.

Well, there's a thing. When my ex showed me some of his mementos they seemed to be more proofs of either the interesting people that had been moved to give him something, or pictures related to events in his past that, yea, had nothing really to do with any specific person.
I thought it was just out of sensitivity that he didn't show me any pictures of him with ex-girlfriends, but actually, I don't think he HAD any!

Amazing, I never really thought of it before this.

[hashtag_loyal]

Do you think that one day you'll come back here and want to delete all your posts?

No. The value of my posts are not for me, but for others who are or will be in my situation.

When I first came to this board, I read almost a year's worth of posts anonymously before I ever created an account and started sharing my story. Reading about everyone else's story really helped me to put the pieces together and start to understand that this seemingly sweet little girl really was capable of sleeping with the entire metro area while simultaneously confessing her undying love to me.

It's been said elsewhere on this site that we (nons) fall in love with a construct; someone who mirrors us initially which makes us feel phenomenal and then, when things sour, we ascribe all kinds of motivations and feelings to the BPD that excuses their behaviour - because we're trapped in a fantasy we created and really want to continue to believe in.

What do you think? Do you think that's true? Did we invent them as much as they invented us?

I think that statement is partly true.

I think many people on this board are -- unfortunately -- still trapped in that fantasy. They say mental health can be defined as a belief in reality -- no matter the cost. Well, I think a lot of people here are hurting because they are still unwilling to accept the full cost of looking at reality and moving towards Radical Acceptance. It's far too easy and comforting to look back and stay hung up on the ego-assuring lies we were all fed in the early stages of our "relationships."

I disagree with the assertion that we invented them as much as they invented us. I feel like typically the pwBPD does all the "heavy lifting" in the fantasy creation department, and we need to be aware that many on this board are being purposely held back by those who benefit the most from the propagation of this fantasy... .

And if it was an illusion (I feel that way about my own relationship too) is there no value in remembering it? I mean, there were magical parts to that illusion and then really dark parts too, but if we co-wrote the story then that's a really creative act (admittedly a pretty self-destructive one).  I'm not playing word games, I hope it doesn't seem that way, but I'm just really interested in this idea of wanting to erase and forget.

I am not forgetting anything. On the contrary, I am making certain I remember everything!

But there is a profound difference between memorizing something and memorializing it. It's the sentiment that I have erased.

Are you able to make your own mind forget the things, or is it more that you want anything public to be just gone?  :)o you want her to know what you are doing, or is this just for you ?

I just want everything public gone. I hope she does notice; it might make her less likely to reach out to me again in the future (if she is able to grasp how little she means to me now.)

And that you speak of "corrections". We do have to correct our faulty perceptions, don't we, before we can actually move on.  People talk a lot about healing and what that entails - "corrections" is probably in there, but I don't recall anyone actually using that word before.

Yes! We all need to re-evaluate our thoughts and feelings for this person. Correct the faulty assumptions! For instance, I thought my ex was a good person who struggled with a terrible mental illness. Then I saw with my own eyes how sadistic she was. How she enjoyed being bad and took pleasure from deceiving and hurting others. So now I think she is a bad person... .who also struggles with a terrible mental illness.

In this situation, I opened my eyes to reality and corrected my view of her based on actual evidence. Not what she said. Not what I wanted to believe.

We all come to this board focused on the pwBPD, but it is only after we learn to focus on our self that we are able to leave this board. That is the final act of this play.

Can I ask how long after you split that you did this?  

This was probably about 4 weeks after we split for the second, and final time. She would like and comment on some of my IG posts about once every week or so (I just deleted the comments when I saw them) but I was otherwise NC.

I dumped her originally in October. I took her back in February after I had learned more about mental illness, and she had seemed to be making progress on understanding her illness and trying to get better.

I'm glad I did take her back, though. I was able to eventually pull off all her masks and see who she truly was. That knowledge made detachment so much easier.

By the time we broke up, I was no longer hurting and fully ready for NC. I told her I had forgiven her for everything, but wanted her out of my life, completely. That was the last I ever said to her until she messaged me last week, after 6 weeks of NC.

[FallBack!Monster]

Amazing, I never really thought of it before this.  

Please keep in mind, that my comments are from personal experience/observations and readings (ONLY).

thanks

[VitaminC]

Thank you both for your generosity in your replies. I have more thoughts that I'd love your input on, but have to work (and process a little bit what you've said so far).

[hashtag_loyal]

VitaminC, you are welcome. Feel free to post any more questions you may have. I'm happy to share more of my story if it helps.

However, I myself have reached the end of my healing process, so I will probably be logging off these boards forever in a few days. If I don't respond to your post right away, please shoot me a private message. That will send me an email notice, and then I will be able to hop back on and respond.