I was perusing the board and came across a post on attachemtn style (
). Here there is a very interesting point:
People with an anxious attachment style cope with threats to the relationship by trying to get close to their partner.[/quote
My uBPDw has an anxious attachment style. So when she feels threats to the relationship she tries to get close to me. If I react according to my attachment style (avoidant) I will try to retreat, which makes her anxiety higher thus exacerbating her BPD. If I go against my attachment style and try to get closer, then she starts to fear engulfment thus exacerbating her BPD.
From her point of view I guess this is win-win: If she tries to get closer and it doesn't happen it's my fault because I'm avoidant. If I try to get closer and it doesn't happen it's my fault because I'm upsetting her. From my point of view I get to lose: if she tries to get closer it will increase my anxiety because I can only commit so far, both because of my attachment style and because I don't know where she's coming from due to the BPD. If I try to get closer then I pay for it with her outbursts, which only reinforces my desire to be avoidant.
The net result seems to be she gets to blame all relationship issues on me, and I get to practice radical acceptance.
I don't see a way out of this situation.
