younger sibling

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey guys

I'm just trying to process some emotions about my younger sister who is still living at home. She is very much enmeshed living at home. My mum has been doing absolutely everything to ensure I know she favours my sister over me. She gives her the things I've stored in her house without my permission and refuses to give them back, she confides in my sister poisoning her mind and telling her how much better she is than me and encouraging her to be abusive. She puts her on display,making her sing to the family and bragging about her talent and intelligence. When she talks about her future its all IVY league colleges and well paid jobs and me? Well I should just get a low paid job in a shop or something... .

I really want to have a good relationship with my sister, I want to be an example to her of a strong, financially independent woman, I want to love her and rise above the competition and see her as a human rather than a chess piece. My mother's latest plan is going on and on about how she is going to knock down the walls of my bedroom and turn it in to an enormous bedroom for my sister.

On the one hand I'm really glad I'm spending my summer vacation away because I'd have to endure endless comparisons and essentially just be the house maid. On the other I feel really guilty for my sister because it hurts her when I'm away and it's not her fault because she's little and she doesn't really understand what's going on.

[zubizou87]

Hey guys

I'm just trying to process some emotions about my younger sister who is still living at home. She is very much enmeshed living at home. My mum has been doing absolutely everything to ensure I know she favours my sister over me. She gives her the things I've stored in her house without my permission and refuses to give them back, she confides in my sister poisoning her mind and telling her how much better she is than me and encouraging her to be abusive. She puts her on display,making her sing to the family and bragging about her talent and intelligence. When she talks about her future its all IVY league colleges and well paid jobs and me? Well I should just get a low paid job in a shop or something... .

I really want to have a good relationship with my sister, I want to be an example to her of a strong, financially independent woman, I want to love her and rise above the competition and see her as a human rather than a chess piece. My mother's latest plan is going on and on about how she is going to knock down the walls of my bedroom and turn it in to an enormous bedroom for my sister.

On the one hand I'm really glad I'm spending my summer vacation away because I'd have to endure endless comparisons and essentially just be the house maid. On the other I feel really guilty for my sister because it hurts her when I'm away and it's not her fault because she's little and she doesn't really understand what's going on.

[GeekyGirl]

From what I gather, it's very common for a parent with BPD and multiple children to split the children and paint one "all-good" and one "all-bad." The roles can even change. Kudos to you for wanting to be a good strong, independent role model for your sister. I can understand why you'd want her to be more than your mother's pawn.

How old is your sister? You're right that your sister probably doesn't understand what's going on. I've spent a lot of time exploring the sibling splitting dynamic in T, as I'm usually the "all-bad" child while my brother was the "all-good" child. What tends to happen to the "all-good" child is that he/she will do anything to please the PDed parent and end up sacrificing his/her own sense of self. Your sister is being pressured in all kinds of ways to fulfill your mother's fantasies. What will happen if your sister doesn't live up to your mother's high expectations?

Back to your mother's behavior--is there anything at her house that you want back? How do you typically respond when your mother openly favors your sister? I know firsthand how painful that is. 

[zubizou87]

My sister is not quite a teenager so obviously I'm not at all hurt that she gets so much comfort and security as she cannot provide for herself. What does hurt is that my mother tries to sabotage our relationship by pitting us against each other. I don't get involved but my sister repeats some of the horrible things my mother says in front of her and that can be quite painful.

I do worry because my sister is quite emotional and gets upset easily, I don't know how she'd cope if my mother ever rejected her for being too independent or not living up to her expectations. My boyfriend once compared the children in my family's desperation to earn love through success as like puppies performing for treats. I think that's quite accurate and creates this economy of love and I suppose money that is limited and conditional. I wish my sister will one day see that there is love outside of my mother, in friends and relatives and future relationships so that she has other resources incase she ever gets unexpectedly cut off. Its happened to me for no reason and can be painful not to mention a shock.

I hope one day she can find happiness and security in friendship and independence rather than turning to my mother for rationed support and love... .