YOUR VOICE MATTERS

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Yes it's me again. i wasn't going to write this because I thought I have written o much here lately - it must just be a bore and then I thought NO! THAT'S the whole point!

Again and again I have read people apologise for 'rambling' or 'long posts' or even for just saying their thoughts.

Please PLEASE don't apologise for sharing.

Your voice matters! There is a function on each and every board to show how many times the article or post was read in comparison with how many replies there are. There are many many more people reading the article that YOU wrote without replying. How do you know but that somebody out there is not ringing and resonating with you? That by 'rambling' 'writing a long post' or just sharing your thoughts that you are not helping someone quietly? That you are maybe giving someone hope?

After a lifetime of feeling like your voice is too small and squeaky and not worth listening to, you may have been thoroughly trained to be quiet and reserve it for your insides. Please please know that your story is important. Your voice is important. I for one love that you share your stories. Without that comprehension without the way you respond to each other, encourage each other, identify with each other i would not have made the progress I have. I know this for a fact.

Thank you for sharing your voices.

[Ziggiddy]

Yes it's me again. i wasn't going to write this because I thought I have written o much here lately - it must just be a bore and then I thought NO! THAT'S the whole point!

Again and again I have read people apologise for 'rambling' or 'long posts' or even for just saying their thoughts.

Please PLEASE don't apologise for sharing.

Your voice matters! There is a function on each and every board to show how many times the article or post was read in comparison with how many replies there are. There are many many more people reading the article that YOU wrote without replying. How do you know but that somebody out there is not ringing and resonating with you? That by 'rambling' 'writing a long post' or just sharing your thoughts that you are not helping someone quietly? That you are maybe giving someone hope?

After a lifetime of feeling like your voice is too small and squeaky and not worth listening to, you may have been thoroughly trained to be quiet and reserve it for your insides. Please please know that your story is important. Your voice is important. I for one love that you share your stories. Without that comprehension without the way you respond to each other, encourage each other, identify with each other i would not have made the progress I have. I know this for a fact.

Thank you for sharing your voices.

[SomerledDottir]

Hear, hear!

[Turkish]

Ziggiddy, that's very true. There are a lot of lurkers here, and it took me a long time to really get that (because maybe I'm slow or something). In seeking support, we support others by our stories, even if they never post. Here's a   to all of you lurkers 

[Panda39]

  Lurkers

I want encourage you all to post - your voices are valuable and important   

It took me a while to start posting and I'm still not super prolific but it really helps me to write things down, it helps organize my thoughts and articulate my feelings.  I have had a lot of Ah Ha moments just re-reading something back I have written.

When you're ready we would love to hear from you 

[Jema]

I have been posting some. I could be posting more, but I seem to have a knack for "Thread Killing".

Maybe mine will be the last post on this thread, as well... .

Cheers,

Jema

[claudiaduffy]

I have been posting some. I could be posting more, but I seem to have a knack for "Thread Killing".

Maybe mine will be the last post on this thread, as well... .

Cheers,

Jema

Nope! 

[Panda39]

I have been posting some. I could be posting more, but I seem to have a knack for "Thread Killing".

Maybe mine will be the last post on this thread, as well... .

Cheers,

Jema

Nope! 

 

Jema you just keep on keepin on as they used to say back in the day 

[Ziggiddy]

that was so great to hear from you guys!

Jema I never knew you felt like that. i have never seen you on a thread of mine so I can assure you I am not the type who often lets someone else have the last word! 

Post or don't post -  it all comes down to you, I just want the people who take the courage and the time to post to know that it is great to hear from them. And not to feel bad for finding their voice. The rest can do as they can do. It can be hard to join in. I know i get all anxious and freaked out but I don't want to beaten down by the voice that says "No one cares what you think." I shall Never. Surrender!

[Angi]

Hi Ziggiddy, how nice of you to encourage to post. In my case it´s just because English isn´t my first language  , but it´s getting better the more I read, and reading is very easy, if it is about something you are really involved in. And it is so nice to read stories that are similar to your own     - not because they are nice stories of course   I always had the impression that everybody else in this world has parents who love and support their children and notice their needs.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi angi - and thanks for posting up! It's grea tthat you are learning English a sa second language - i only know one language nd i really admire it when people are bilingual. And don't worry if you think your English isn't perfect (which actually it IS, by the way) because there's plenty of people who have learned it their whole life and still struggle. None of us is perfect and it doesn't matter at all.

I get what you mean about thinking others are having normal family lives - I guess there's more dysfunction around than we can imagine. it makes supporting one another that much more important!

[Takehiko]

Hi, thanks for this thread and the encouragement to post. I am mainly lurking because there is so much to take in and I'm so confused most of the time I don't even know what to say. But I'm reading a lot of posts here and seeing a lot of things that resonate with me, so thanks for everyone sharing their experiences.

[aubin]

After a lifetime of feeling like your voice is too small and squeaky and not worth listening to, you may have been thoroughly trained to be quiet and reserve it for your insides.

Yes, this is me. I'm in a stage of my healing where I am working really hard to speak up, show up, and be fully present in my life. I've carried so much shame about simply having a voice that the mere act of responding, posting, reaching out to others, etc., feels groundbreaking to me. So though I've been reading this forum for a couple of years, I've started posting just in the last few weeks. Thank you so much for starting this thread.

[Panda39]

Yes, this is me. I'm in a stage of my healing where I am working really hard to speak up, show up, and be fully present in my life. I've carried so much shame about simply having a voice that the mere act of responding, posting, reaching out to others, etc., feels groundbreaking to me. So though I've been reading this forum for a couple of years, I've started posting just in the last few weeks. Thank you so much for starting this thread.

aubin,

                       

So glad to hear your sticking your toe in the water so to speak.  You should be proud of yourself for taking that step outside your comfort zone, I know how hard that can be sometimes.

Look forward to hearing from you more often. 

[Ziggiddy]

  Takehiko

For a minute there i thought "Oh that's an interesting Asian-themed' name ... .then I realised! I see what you did there. Laughed and laughed. Excellent username.

I think I understand your confusion. I remember writing my first post and no one replying for two days and I felt worse. i had finally stepped up and no one noticed me! But it showed me I could just be a little more patient and then AsianSon came up and just gave me so much empathy, validation and understanding that it was totally worth the wait. it's hard to figure out what to say isn't it? I think sometimes that's enough. I focus on asking questions I REALLY want to know the answers to. Like how did you discover your person had BPD? (This fascinates me as I was unawakened and enmeshed for decades) I also really like hearing about flashbulb moments- self development and clarity so sometimes I start a simple thread like that like. Also questions in the workshops fascinate me.

Aubin

I am standing up and applauding you! WELL DONE! Love to hear how it works out for you

[Takehiko]

Ziggidy - thank you! Ah ha ha I didn't realize there was a double meaning with Takehiko, I honestly just looked at my bookshelves and picked the name of an author I like. Maybe my subconscious was at work there.

Yeah it is a bit disheartening when no one replies, but I will have patience and try to think about what questions I want to ask... .and also understand that not everything has a straightforward answer! Thanks for your support.

[Woolspinner2000]

Ziggidy,

I too have appreciated this thread line. I join with all of you in understanding how difficult it can be to risk posting our thoughts and feelings, those things that weren't encouraged or allowed in the daily struggles we faced with our BPD person. I've always had a hard time sharing, and when I do, I feel that scared feeling of wondering if the chance I took will be received or squashed. What a great comfort to be received and validated here by the BPD family!

Thank you!

Woolspinner

[Ziggiddy]

Woolspinner I entirely feel the same way about the difficulty in posting. i talk more than any person alive and i write stuff all the time anywhere, but when it comes to posting here, I feel vulnerable as and I think EVERYTIME that people won't be interested in what I have to say, my post is too long, too boring, no one really will 'get' me. It's horrible. i want to learn that the voice is not MINE and that people DO care nd ARE interested and WANT to help. It's taking a long time to learn this but I haven't given up hope yet!

PS thank you for joining in on the thread! 

[Indie]

Ziggidy, every time I come here and read the heading, YOUR VOICE MATTERS, it is an upper.  A real reminder that I am not alone and others understand.

[imataloss]

Ziggidy, this really is a great and affirming thread that you started. I admit to being one of those who lurks around the board. But I'm hesitant to post until it's the "right", no make that "perfect", time. I'm sure that's tied to my desire for perfection that results from being shamed and criticized by my uBPD mother during childhood

And when I have posted, I've felt that I was being whiny just telling my story and not asking for any suggestions for dealing with the problem (have come to realize that violates one of the guidelines). And then I'm impressed with how eloquent and thought-provoking other people's posts are.

What I'm realizing in writing this is that I perceive posting as a sort of "contest", and I want to be the winner. Can anyone else relate to that concept? I think that's the way I've lived my life and it's held me back from experiencing new things. If I can't do it perfectly from the beginning, then I don't want to bother. And yes, I do realize that there's no such thing as a "perfect" post!

So once again, thanks Ziggidy for helping me gain personal insight on posting. And I will be posting more as a result!

[Turkish]

That's interesting imataloss. I sometimes don't post things because I think "this may be lame compared to others poster's stories."

I think sometimes i may be invalidating myself, no "real time" pwBPD required 

Just those darn 

[Harri]

Hi Ziggidy.  Let me echo what everyone else has said;  thank you, this is a really great thread.  I struggle with voicing my opinions and thoughts and I also want to have the perfect post.  I have discovered, through this thread and watching my posting style here, that when I feel unsure or insecure (which is almost always) I say 'screw it' and just plunge right in.  Sometimes that is a good thing, but not always and then it becomes a way for me to beat myself up.     I compare myself to the other posters here who are so gentle and refined in their posts.  Everyone seems so mature here and I feel like the a know it all adolescent with a bad attitude and a big mouth.

I stayed away from this thread because I needed to get a handle on the feelings I was having about it.  This thread and seeing what I wrote above about how I handle feeling insecure or anxious fits with something I have been noticing in my real life for a while.  It is helping me to see why sometimes I come across so very different than the way I intend to.  I have had a couple friends confirm for me that they sense an underlying anger in me or a very challenging attitude.  It has only been recently that I was putting the anger and poor attitude together with anxiety and insecurity and this post helped solidify that for me.  All I knew before was that I sometimes turn people off or even get them angry with me but I was unsure why.  all I knew was this would happen and I was confused and then i would try tiptoeing all around in an effort not to hurt or offend... .and then I ended up just hurting and offending myself on top of doing the same to other people.

  <--- to everyone here... .and those who are lurking!

[Panda39]

I don't think I'm afraid to post but am concerned about what I post.

I'm always worried that I will say the wrong thing and hurt someone so I will admit to taking a very long time writing & posting something.  I'll read... .re-read... .edit... .re-edit... .add a smiley face... .

I compare myself to the other posters here who are so gentle and refined in their posts.  Everyone seems so mature here and I feel like the a know it all adolescent with a bad attitude and a big mouth.

So I may sound mature and articulate but it's taken me a hour to get what I wrote actually posted   

Sometimes I'm also uncomforable about speaking to certain topics because I was not directly in the relationship with the BPD person my SO was so I sometimes don't feel like I've earned the right to speak to a topic even if I might have an opinion.

Boy, am I showing all my insecurities... .I've showed you mine now you show me yours.   

[Harri]

Hi Panda!  I write and re-write and second guess myself too but I probably have less patience than you do!  I get very frustrated with myself.  haha

I want to respond to this part: 

Sometimes I'm also uncomforable about speaking to certain topics because I was not directly in the relationship with the BPD person my SO was so I sometimes don't feel like I've earned the right to speak to a topic even if I might have an opinion.

I would actually love to get insight and opinions from people in your position.  I almost said outsider, but you really are not an outsider at all.  You are in the same type of forced BPD relationship as we are here.  While true outsiders just don't get it, your position does give you understanding and I think puts you in a great position to provide feedback so feel free to speak out to anything I write.   

[SomerledDottir]

Wow, I love this topic, too!  So much I can relate to.

Imataloss, I can relate to your perfectionism.  In my case, it comes from the criticism and demeaning I received from my abusive stepfather.  He was sexually and physically abusive, too, but for me the hardest thing to heal from has been the day-to-day verbal abuse, which wrecked my mother and me both in a kind of grinding down process.  Not good.

Harri, I, too have always been the "adolescent with the bad attitude and the big mouth"

But do you know that when I read your posts, I am frequently smiling and nodding and saying to myself, "Yes, yes, me too!" about many things that you say?  And that when I read your posts I have often said, "Jeez, now that's one lady that it would be real interesting to sit down with and talk over a cup of coffee."

And Panda, when I first came here (6 months ago already!) I felt a little uncomfortable posting at first because I had only known uBPDsis for 8 months, and felt a little silly to be so traumatized over the things she did when so many people here have been suffering for years and years at the hands of their BPDs and many are dealing with multiple people and/or multiple PDs.  Of course, over time and in no small part due to the caliber of people on this board, I have come to realize that my experience with Sis exposed alot of unhealed stuff from my childhood and a very long and deep core wound of feeling inadequate and unloved.   And that had alot to do with my level of pain and turmoil, too.  Welcome to the flying school, SomerledDottir!  I do so appreciate the supportive nature of the folks on thisite, and Ziggiddy, awesome post!  A whole lot of really good sharing here 

P.S., I proofread and edited several times, too.  Is there any hope for us recovering perfectionists? 

[Harri]

SomerledDottir, thank you for your kind words!  You made my day!  <raises coffee cup in a salute to you and all the others here>   

I am sorry to hear you have had to cope with sexual and physical abuse on top of the verbal.  The verbal and emotional abuse is soul crushing.   :'(

[Ziggiddy]

P.S., I proofread and edited several times, too.  Is there any hope for us recovering perfectionists? 

erm ... .no.

heheh.

Seriously I wish i could tell you how great reading your replies has made me feel. <GROUP HUG!>

Seriously when you read other people's stuff do you really care if they spelled that word wrong? Or if they didn't articulate the idea very well? If you read a reply to your post do you think "They got THIS wrong and they got THAT wrong ... .or do you think "WOw! Someone TALKED to me!" well that's what I think. I proofread because I am narcisisstic and I am enraptured by the things I say! (Hahahaa - you know me well enough to read that right!)

Seriously if no one posts and no one replies 'in case they get it wrong' how will we ever grow each other? Share our stuff? I would rather areply all fille dup with bugs and mistakes and errors and all those things than no reply. or a well thought out well delivered perfectly executed prize winning indsightful profound fixed everything reply. I mean seriously, who can DO that? None of us. And if I screw it up well there's two things:

1) either someone will criticise me for it and punish me somehow or someway. Well bring it. I been knocked around by better people than that and I'm a big girl now. And if I'm not well maybe it will help me deal with criticism better

or 2) someone will overlook it and forgive it and it will grow my faith that not everyone's out to get me.

I'd rather hear your voice getting it wrong than the silence of your personal struggle.

[Harri]

Hi.  I know this is an old thread.  I want to bump it because I think some people may benefit from being reminded, or maybe hearing for the first time, that their voice matters and any response written with care and concern should be posted regardless.

The host of this thread did a great job writing this.  As such, I see no reason for me to post a new one... .besides, I spent about an hour looking through Zigs old post to find this one (search was just not working for me)

So speak up and share!

[Panda39]

Harri

I just have to laugh because yesterday I was going through some of Ziggiddy's old posts looking for something too! There have been so many great conversations that are in my memory banks but sometimes tough to find again, but would be so applicable to some of the newer members.

And while I'm here let me encourage you lurkers out there to jump in everyone's feedback, ideas, experiences make the whole community richer!

Panda39