Need help understanding and supporting my partner.

[Ant98]

Firstly I want to apologise for the long post, I don’t have anyone to talk to and so this will be a mixture of me sharing my experience and also seeking advice.

Myself and my girlfriend(?) have been together almost a year and a half. Our relationship dynamic is very different to the norm, we met online and live across the world from each other. The connection we have was very apparent from the jump, we have the same interests, want the same things in life and share the same values. We fell in love, started speaking about future together etc. before even meeting up in person, we spoke and still speak all day with FaceTimes every evening etc.

When we first started speaking she told me about the trauma she has experienced in life, how her mum and sister both have BPD however she was adamant that she didn’t as she had self therapised (she is a psychology graduate and has an amazing understanding of the mind). I never put her words and actions to what she is suffering as I was unaware, until recently when I started looking into BPD and we both had a talk, where she is now accepting that she does suffer from it.

We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs. The first turning point was when she asked me to block a friend of mine who she was uncomfortable with as the girl had pushed a boundary (she was completely valid with this and only wanted me to do this until she met her, and me and said girl aren’t even friends anymore we she was a bad person). I had a bad relationship in the past which destroyed all of my friendships and so my trauma popped up and I refused to do this (as those old feelings all came back). She said this has changed our relationship for good, she will never feel special or the only girl to me and she constantly brings it up as the source of all of our problems. I have also been very bad at supporting her because I never knew she suffered through BPD and so I never understood her abandonment issues and avoidant attachment. I also made promises to see her etc. which never came to fruition due to financial issues.

Last summer we also stopped talking for 3 months as she came to a country nearby for a festival and I was meant to join her and her sister, however due to financial reasons I was unable to. She was really angry with this, left me on read the whole time, saw a story I posted which lead her to think I went away somewhere and so posted on her story her kissing a random guy on the cheek, she said this was her way of getting my attention but it just made me think she was over me so we didn’t speak after that. We started talking again because my best friend passed away, she found out and so reached out to me. In the 3 months she had been speaking to said guy on her story, however me and her ended up being exactly how we were before and she soon cut things off with him.

We then had a couple good months, until she started suffering personal issues and she started resenting me, saying she resented loving me and couldn’t wait until she was over me etc. Soon after this she told me how she had feelings for one of her close friends, I expressed I had had my suspicions and that I didn’t want them talking anymore, however she used what I did with my friend previously to say I had no leg to stand on. This on top of things in my life lead to a serious decline in my mental health, and at the same time she lost a family member. I wasn’t able to rationalise the things she had said to me and her feelings for this guy, so at the start of this year we were very distant, with only a few messages a day and her constantly leaving me on read (which lead to me feel that I was just bugging her). This carried on until again a month ago she was coming to a country near me with her sister and asked if I wanted to come, this time I was able to so flew over for the weekend. We got on great in person and it was exactly how we are over the phone, however it didn’t feel romantic (I chopped that up to her sister being there). During the trip we got very drunk and kissed. The next day I asked her what the situation was between us, and she then broke down and told me that she had been seeing her friend she had feelings for previously. I was angry, heartbroken and betrayed. I left there feeling that things were over between us, but I love her and I understand how our dynamic having never met in person makes things very different, and I also understand that I was not there for her during a really rough time.

When I came back we continued talking, she expressed to me how he made her feel happy, special, like she was the only girl, things that she can’t feel from me due to her past. We quickly went back to how we were and she ended up calling things off with him (although they still speak as they work together). She says all the time that I am her person, that I am who she wants etc. but she also expresses that he is what’s good for her not me and that he makes her happy and I don’t (and I can’t get these thoughts out of my head). I have expressed to her that I am not comfortable with them maintaining a friendship, however I have also taken my interests out of the equation and supported her as I know this is difficult for her as she did have feelings for him and is in an awkward situation. She also constantly goes between calling me her boyfriend and saying we’re not together which also really throws me off a lot.

Although my trust is broken I do believe that she loves me how she says and that she does want to be with me. It makes me feel terrible that she feels that I am unable to make her feel those ways, and she says that she wants to stay with me and hold out on the small chance that my promises of us being together properly come to fruition (I am applying to jobs to move out there). However I struggle with knowing how she really feels, as it seems to go between I’m the love of her life to a terrible person that makes her feel awful but she can’t stop loving me. I try to let her actions speak for her, but her words do play on my insecurities a lot.

I wanted to know if anyone here has any similar experiences and if they can advise me as to how I can support her and make her feel those ways? I don’t know how to support her when she’s feeling down, or when she see’s me as black and white and says how terrible of a person I am etc. I know she suffers from abandonment issues and that she doesn’t feel she deserves love, and I want to show her how much I do love her, that I am working to keep to my promises, that I’m not going anywhere and she is special and the only girl. She constantly says she can never forgive what happened with my friend, but I wonder if anyone has been through something similar and been able to make them feel different?

I love this girl, she’s the only person I’ve ever seen a future with, she’s an amazing person to those in her life, and I believe that even though she suffers from this and acts how she does towards me, she deserves a happy, supported, life and I want to be the one to have that life with her.

If anyone can talk about their similar experiences or offer advice as to how I can show her the support she needs so that she can feel safe and secure with me, it would be really appreciated. I’m far from perfect myself but I’m trying to be the person she needs and deserves.

Many thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Amina]

Hi,

I've been in love with an emotionally unstable (undiagnosed BPD) man for 3.5 years.  When he splits me black there is generally little I can do except suggest he is having black and white thinking (I don't use the term splitting because he is not in treatment).   I understand why you love her--and I've left other difficult men in the past I haven't felt as strongly about, or as hopeful.

He also has a lot of made up dark distortions or sudden cruelties which I can sometimes navigate by a bit of play within our creative dynamics, but other times he is having an outright panic attack, and so I have to try to remain calm and empathic despite a tantrum. He can split black on me at anytime after a period of stability.

I think he needs validation from people and other women, and it is an extreme and somewhat similar version of what I think is all too common anyway in a narcissistic society.  He is also very triggered by me about other men and even girlfriends, but he tends to hide it, and later his jealous feelings will come out at unexpected times without context, depending on his state of mind. 

[peterng]

I came here looking for coping strategies related to dealing with High Conflict Personalities.  I do find it hard to figure why I keep coming back to this.  The unknown should be a better world to live in but there is no woman there.

2 victims is all that comes of this.

Good luck to you both, smile, enjoy the good times, don't take anything personally and breath easy.
Peter

[Couscous]

Welcome! 

She constantly says she can never forgive what happened with my friend, but I wonder if anyone has been through something similar and been able to make them feel different?

It sounds like you really care for this girl and want to help her. The sad reality is that love doesn't cure BPD. Therapy is the only solution and the best way for you to help her would be to encourage her to seek therapy. I wish you all the best.