Breaking free

[ms13]

I have been in 2 ½ year relationship with a woman with whom I have fallen deeply in love.  I actually thought we would be married but over the last 5-6 months, the dysfunction has grown increasingly toxic.  She and I spent time with a trained mental health expert and in a 1-on-1 session, he suggested to me that i do some research on BPD.  My tendency is to want to know the “why” behind things whereas many other people would say, "this relationship isn’t working for me and i’m out” and be done with it. 

While reading “I Hate you, Don’t Leave Me”, the similarities between the symptoms/anecdotes and my girlfriend were stunning.  Suddenly, the mood swings, the intense anger, the drinking, the overwhelming physical relationship, the insecurities, the unfounded jealousy, the suspiciousness all seemed to make sense. Everything came to a head this Holiday season when my siblings and my children all took a firm stand and required her absence from family activities in order for them to attend. Moreover, my 1 and only daughter said she would have nothing to do with me if I kept this woman in my life. 

All members of my family (without exception-3 children, 3 siblings and my parents) were stunned that i continued in a toxic relationship and seemed oblivious to the worsening toll it was taking on me.  I told her 5 days ago that it wasn’t feasible for me to push my children out of my life in order for us to stay together.  I have not seen nor spoken to her since.

I’m 56 and have only had 2 long term relationships (my 18 marriage and this one) so allowing this to “die” is very difficult and painful for me.  This was the 5th or 6th breakup over the last year and I am determined to make this one stick.  I recently broached the topic of BPD with her and her reply was as expected:  “So you are a google doctor now? That’s ridiculous” so i know it isn’t likely she would be open to BPD counseling.

Any suggestions on how I can make it through this?  She is amazingly attractive and in good physical shape (we are both Masters Swimmers), was prone to letting me know others were waiting in the wings if i left and so my training group is “off limits” now while I try to get over this relationship. I know i will be devastated when she shows up to swim practices with another guy and so experiencing that isn’t something I want to do.

I need to heal!

Thank you

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi ms13-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, very painful and confusing, unfortunately not unique around here though, we are or have been in that place, and we understand.

Any suggestions on how I can make it through this? 

One day at a time ms.  You mentioned you ended it again and it's been 5 days, that's a step in the right direction, and now there's grieving the relationship, processing the emotions, and detaching to do, but you will do it if you're committed, many, many of us have, and detaching is also a grand adventure, since we can learn a heck of a lot about ourselves in the process.

You might have noticed there are 5 stages of detachment over there ---------->
That's the road map, nice to know where you're going, and there are lots of resources here as well.

So what's the biggest thing on your mind right now?

[ms13]

There seems to be 3 things on my mind:  first, today seemed to have been a partial turning point day because i went into my 2 mile swim aching and thinking about her but came out of the swim feeling like eliminating a toxic relationship from my life is the right thing to do... .or is it?  Second, she has already sync’d up with another guy and while i understand that it isn’t a function of me (it has been like that for anyone she has left behind in a relationship), the normal person in me wishes she was grieving like me (so it hurts) and; third, could I have been successful in working with her on her BPD thus leading to a loving and successful relationship?  She is smart, funny, hard working, generally supportive, etc and I thought she was the one for me.  Am i delusional?

[Portent]

When she hooks up with another guy you've got to smile and laugh. He has no idea what he is in for. She is still going to be miserable because she will never fill that gaping hole right through her. You are better off.

[ms13]

Thank you Portent.  I was actually thinking the same thing but since he pursued her when she and I were together, I hope she makes him more miserable than she did me!  Everyone in the swim group sees her as pretty, fun, engaging but they haven’t spent the kind of time with her that i have. 

[fromheeltoheal]

No, not delusional ms, in fact most if not all of us are having or have had those same feelings at this point, it's only been 5 days.  One thing you are is still in the fog of the relationship, which will clear with time, the most important thing being to stay with your resolve that the relationship be over, especially important for you since you've had 5 or 6 recycles; what is different this time that will prevent you from repeating that?

Second, she has already sync’d up with another guy and while i understand that it isn’t a function of me (it has been like that for anyone she has left behind in a relationship), the normal person in me wishes she was grieving like me (so it hurts)

Borderlines see things differently and have different priorities than the rest of us, the main one being to attach to someone to feel whole, so another relationship is mandatory.  And should she take time out to grieve it would be much worse than that, borderlines don't do well without an attachment, plus BPD is a shame-based disorder, so if she were to truly connect with what when on in the relationship and blame herself for you leaving, the resulting shame would be far too intense to tolerate, much easier to move on to someone new and start the cycle over again.

could I have been successful in working with her on her BPD thus leading to a loving and successful relationship?  She is smart, funny, hard working, generally supportive, etc and I thought she was the one for me.  Am i delusional?

We all have wondered if we could have just done something differently, been someone different, then the relationship might have worked; that's not a bad place to dig, in that it allows us to look at our part in the proceedings, but there are limits, especially when we get into self-blame and unrealistic thinking.  Borderlines can learn techniques to manage the disorder, and can improve markedly in some cases, although it takes a long time and they need to initiate it themselves and own it.  Even with best intentions, you were emotionally enmeshed with her, and therefore triggering, so you were one of the worst people to try and help her in that sense, best to have someone who is both trained and emotionally disconnected initially, until progress is made and she could have been forthright about what's going on with her from a more stable place.

Don't know if you've seen it, but many of us have gotten value from this article at this stage:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Take care of you!

[once removed]

hi ms13, id like to join fromheeltoheal and Portent and say

There seems to be 3 things on my mind:  first, today seemed to have been a partial turning point day because i went into my 2 mile swim aching and thinking about her but came out of the swim feeling like eliminating a toxic relationship from my life is the right thing to do... .or is it? 

this is going to be a tough process with major ups and downs. expect this. anticipate it, and plan ahead of it to the extent you can. i went from "this is the best thing that could have happened to me" to desperately wanting her back like zero to sixty. in my case, the more stable i felt, the more i felt like it was the right thing. perhaps the endorphins were speaking to you. in any event, there is a relationship to grieve, and be grieved it must. grief is complex, and complicated, and this will be no exception.

Second, she has already sync’d up with another guy and while i understand that it isn’t a function of me (it has been like that for anyone she has left behind in a relationship), the normal person in me wishes she was grieving like me (so it hurts)

there was nothing i could tell myself that took away from the sting of seeing my ex jump in another relationship. it does hurt  .

and; third, could I have been successful in working with her on her BPD thus leading to a loving and successful relationship?  She is smart, funny, hard working, generally supportive, etc and I thought she was the one for me.  Am i delusional?

this is probably a question that youll ask yourself many times. did you have room for improvement? we all do. the question i think is especially pertinent is whether this person was ultimately your fit. i can relate as i suspect many members can, the intense feelings of closeness, that this person was my soulmate. i encourage you, as you process, to revisit this theme. if youd cleaned up your side of the street, would it have been a fulfilling relationship for you? why or why not?

[ms13]

Day 7 of no personal contact with my exBPDgf.  The following quote came from my sister when I told her i was weakening.  I read it 10 times a day as a reminder.

STOP IT RIGHT NOW!  She had crazy eyes and she wreaked havoc on your family and she made you feel like you were oh so lucky to have her and she was a know it all and she was possessive and she was insecure and she was out of control jealous and she stalked you and your house and she pointlessly argued with you in front of people and she was a right fighter (always had to be right) and she had to correct anyone about anything even if it was unimportant... .Shall I go on? Because I will you know.

[once removed]

im glad you have the support of your family, especially in vulnerable moments, ms13.

thing is, you know all of the things in the quote, and simultaneously, understandably, feel the way you do, and thats okay.

grief and detaching, especially from these relationships is complex stuff, and its not uncommon to experience conflicting feelings. give yourself permission to do that. people said similar things to me but it didnt change my feelings. may i suggest writing out (pen to paper) your feelings? it was a big turning point for me, as far as aligning my heart with my head.

though now is probably not the time to have contact with this person, id encourage you to focus on the benefits to you - think of it as taking space to heal and self protection, as opposed to a restriction.

[ms13]

Thanks so much for that Once Removed.  I will definitely put pen to paper which i hope will be cathartic.  I won’t see her anytime soon... .too painful but i am going to really work the Detachment process as I se it as critical to my healing.  I know it isn’t me but the idea that she is already in another guy’s arms just makes me wretch.  I need to work with this feeling so it too will subside.

[Technique]

When she hooks up with another guy you've got to smile and laugh. He has no idea what he is in for. She is still going to be miserable because she will never fill that gaping hole right through her. You are better off.

Wise words indeed ✔