Am I a terrible person?

[LyrikalAristotle]

I find myself at a crossroads because I do not like the person I have to become to survive my parent suffering from BPD.

I have made a previous post explaining the extremely destructive behaviors my undiagnosed BPD parent displays. She has a wonton disregard for my career and the life I am trying to build. It's so weird. She's extremely helpful and offers legitimate (sometimes) career advice in one moment. Still, then, during an episode, she's calling my jobs to have me fired, calling my graduate program to pretend as if she will get me expelled (she hasn't gone past making phone calls, but she has written a very distressing email to my Dean and keeps it in her drafts to threaten me with), or calling the cops to tell them I am being abusive (she is 75% physically disabled).

She caused me to tank a semester of school because of absences, and now I am not graduating on time. To prevent more destruction or just for me to remain sane so that I can continue paying my bills, I have to LIE MY ASS OFF. For example, I have to keep lying about my standing in school because, she keeps threatening to end me. When I explain that her behavior and physical condition are really impacting my ability to be involved in my own life, I am somehow making excuses.

So I have to lie almost every day. Anything could be a trigger, leading to hours-long arguments and making my life even more complicated than it is now. I do not make a habit of doing all of this lying with others. It's really bothering me. I feel terrible about it. When I get caught in one of these lies, she thinks she has a point to her devaluation attempts, but she fails to realize that I am doing my best to protect myself. It will not connect, and I understand why.

I am not looking to understand the symptoms of BPD; I am just trying to see if I am becoming the terrible and manipulative person she keeps telling me I am during these flare-ups. I am doing what I can to survive since I am not in any position to move.

[Tortuga50550]

I am not looking to understand the symptoms of BPD; I am just trying to see if I am becoming the terrible and manipulative person she keeps telling me I am during these flare-ups. I am doing what I can to survive since I am not in any position to move.

I honestly think you've answered yourself, but I will tell you: no, you're not a bad person, and you aren't also being manipulative. From what I've understood, you lie because you don't really have much of a choice if you want to survive and be able to graduate. You're not hurting anyone, you're just trying to protect yourself.

I feel you when you say you don't act like the person you would like to be. I also had to lie sometimes to my BPD father in order have some "stability", and even sacrifice my own self-esteem in the process. I hated who I became, and still do sometimes. It's not easy living with someone with BPD, to say an euphemism. From my experience, when we live in extremely toxic situations, we aren't neceseraly able to be the person we want to be, and we try to survive with the tools we have at our reach.

I'm sorry that you can't be honest with your mother. It must be hard to feel this much pressure and guilt, and to have to carry it by yourself. Hope you can ease some of that guilt and find some momentary peace on this forum.

[anon331312]

Why did you have to lie about in your school. Our of curiosity.

Your mom sounds like a terrible person. After you graduate, do yourself a favour and fly away.

[Notwendy]

Why did you have to lie about in your school. Our of curiosity.

Your mom sounds like a terrible person. After you graduate, do yourself a favour and fly away.

It's a protective mechanism with a parent who has power, either financially or otherwise. It's not a first choice boundary but it's done in fear when the pwBPD is in a power position. Being in school is a financially dependent situation. There's the confusing situation of BPD mother being both financially supportive but also destructive and violating boundaries.

My BPD mother also uses money as a form of manipulation and control. She didn't contact a Dean at my school but she showed up at one of my jobs unexpectedly when I was in college and was  angry over something I had nothing to do with.

My goal, since I was a teen, was to become financially independent from my parents as soon as possible but also for me, college was the way I wanted to do that. I did cover a lot of the cost myself- working, loans and there were times I had to ask them for assistance but didn't feel comfortable doing so. There were emotional issues related to the situation in my family. A counselor at student health recommended I go NC with my mother. However, I didn't want to go NC with my father and to go NC would require it be with both of them.

We don't want to resort to lying to protect ourselves but when we are completely honest and transparent with aspects of our lives with a BPD parent- and they violate that trust, and they are in a position of power, it's something done in desperation. We feel badly about it because we then are going against our own moral code.

I am not saying it's OK to lie but the circumstances are when we feel a sense of being in danger.  I don't think you are a bad person. I think you are a good person resorting to lying because you feeling cornered.

The problem with doing this though is that when we go against our own moral code, we feel badly about ourselves. The solution is to have other boundaries. If we can establish our own homes and privacy- we can choose to not share information instead. But you also may not be there yet- you need to finish school first.

I think though, you can begin to choose not sharing over lying if possible, to the extent you are able to. If your college offers student health counseling, they can be of support to you in your situation. Your goal is to finish school, get a job, and have your own privacy boundaries. It may be a work in progress- the more independence, the less you would feel you have to protect yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Your mother isn't the judge of your morality. You know who you are. 

[Methuen]

I remember a number of years ago hearing a program on the radio about "lying".  It was amazing.  I can't remember exactly who the guest was, whether they were a philosopher or had a religious background, but they were an expert with esteemed credentials.  Slowly they unpacked some of the issues.  I took a number of "messages" away after listening, including that when it comes to "lying", it's not always black/white.  There's different kinds of lies, and reasons for lying. What you are talking about in your case is complicated.  There is no simple black/white, good/bad about it.  You are doing what you have to do to survive, because of your parent's behavior.  That does not make you a bad person.  Your parent is projecting the sense that "you are bad" on you, so they don't have to deal with their feelings.

I'll bet every person on this forum has had to tell "lies" of varying degrees to survive and navigate the relationship with their pwBPD, and yet we are not all bad.

The circumstances in my situation are different than yours.  My elderly BPD mom is narcissistic and has no boundaries at all.  Her needs with aging and BPD were swallowing up my life by taking up all my time and energy all the while she was treating me badly and not respecting me.  So I went back to work out of retirement.  I could write a book about what transpired after that.  So about a year later, when I changed jobs, I didn't tell her.  It was personal information she would have used against me.  She's only once asked me about work (probably because it's not a topic of conversation about her), but when she did, I answered as if I still had the first job.  I also haven't told her I only work 3 days a week, because if I did, she would expect me to cater to her needs the other two days and if I didn't, I would get yelled and screamed at and aggressively accused that I don't love her, and told again that she's taking me out of the Will.  It's not about the money.  I don't need her money.  It's about her having the power to reject me.  Back to my point - one time she asked me what time I finished work (on a day off), so I lied and made up a time.

This does not make me a bad person. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am 110% honest, and live my life by "old school morals".   I don't like being put in the position where I have to lie to my mom, because I am an honest person and value being truthful. I am also kind and caring and have made a career out of "helping people". But we do what we have to in order to survive an unfortunate circumstance that is beyond our control.  My mom isn't going to change at age 87.  That is outside my control.  I manage my internal conflict by accepting that mom's behavior is beyond my control, and also accepting that I am responsible for being the best person I can be all the time (including my life outside of her, as well as my interactions with her) , and that is what I try to do. 

So no, you are not a terrible person.  But that knowledge also has to come from within you.  YOU have to believe it.

[Methuen]

I totally get where you are coming from though, because finding ways around the truth so that we can protect ourselves, often leads to more "lies" to cover up the first one.  For example, one of my closest lifelong friends, is the daughter of one of my mother's lifelong friends.  To put it another way, my mom and her friend are one generation, and their daughters (including me) are the next generation.  I also live in a very small town.  I call it the fishbowl syndrome.  You always have to be careful what you do and say because someone will see or hear it, and potentially pass it on to my mother in conversation if they go visit her at her house (she is housebound for mobility reasons).

So today I was walking with "said friend".  She asks me if I'm still working at job #1 since coming out of retirement (since it's a working day and I'm only available to visit my mom on the weekends because of work.  Picture a deer in the headlights.  That was me.  Because her mom regularly visits with my mom.  I replied "that I was working a lot of hours", but didn't specifically refer to the employer she had named.

It's a small fishbowl I live in.  This is a close friend, and yet I don't feel authentic and safe to just have a normal conversation with her about my work, since I'm fearful the info could get back to my mother, and my mother doesn't know I only work 3 days a week, and doesn't know I've changed jobs.

It feels like I can't be authentic.

I changed the conversation and we talked about many other things. 

It's all very complicated isn't it?

You mention:
 

... I have to LIE MY A_ _ OFF. For example, I have to keep lying about my standing in school because, she keeps threatening to end me. When I explain that her behavior and physical condition are really impacting my ability to be involved in my own life, I am somehow making excuses.

So I have to lie almost every day. Anything could be a trigger, leading to hours-long arguments and making my life even more complicated than it is now. I do not make a habit of doing all of this lying with others. It's really bothering me. I feel terrible about it. When I get caught in one of these lies, she thinks she has a point to her devaluation attempts, but she fails to realize that I am doing my best to protect myself.

I understand how hard it is to have to hide the truth.  It bothers me too that I can't just tell my mom about my life (changing jobs, work schedule etc) but I can't.  I don't share anything personal with her.  It's just not safe.  It's easier for me, because I live in my house, and my mom lives in her house.  You are in the same house as your mom, so you really don't have space, and she's probably always demanding information about you, from you. 

This is one of those times where less is truly more.  The less she knows about you, the less able she is to use it against you.

No.  You are not a terrible person. 

[Mommydoc]

I'll bet every person on this forum has had to tell "lies" of varying degrees to survive and navigate the relationship with their pwBPD, and yet we are not all bad.

The problem with doing this though is that when we go against our own moral code, we feel badly about ourselves.

I completely agree.  You are not a bad person, you are just in a bad situation, and you have to protect yourself.  Like Methuen, I have kept a lot of information from my sibling wBPD, as she uses everything as ammunition against me.  In the beginning, it felt wrong, disingenuous, and I had feelings of guilt.  Reading some of Kristen Neff’s work on self compassion, helped me immensely, particularly what she describes as fierce or yang self compassion.  Here is a brief excerpt  from a blog summary of one of her books. Self-compassion is aimed at alleviating suffering, and to do so sometimes we need to protect ourselves — to speak up, say no, draw boundaries, or to stand up to injustice. Self-compassion has three core components—self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Kindness involves treating ourselves with the same care and support we’d show to a good friend. Common humanity involves feeling connected to others in the experience of suffering, remembering that we are all imperfect and lead imperfect lives. And mindfulness allows us to be aware of our suffering with balance and equanimity. Each element has an important role to play in self-protection. When we’re fighting to keep ourselves safe, the three elements manifest as brave, empowered clarity.
Kindness, when it’s aimed at preventing harm, is not gentle, it’s powerful and courageous. Facing danger requires audacity and determination — like when we climb out a window to escape a burning building or undergo chemotherapy to combat cancer.
Bravery is also required when we need to stand up to someone who disrespects us or invades our privacy. It gives us the boost of energy we need to say no or draw boundaries. Kindness also compels us to demand fair treatment when we’re being treated unjustly and to fight against oppression.

When we overtly lie, or lie through omission, particularly if we have values around integrity, honesty and transparency, it feels like a disconnect on a moral level.  My sibling is always asking me very direct questions about things, and I frequently, change the topic, say I don’t know, or answer in a vague way.  It triggers her sometimes, but it protects me in the long run.   BPDs can distort or weaponize the most benign information. 

Right now, you are in survival mode, and you have to prioritize yourself and your emotional safety, through whatever means you can.   I hope you can be kind to yourself, and recognize the circumstances, as well as take proactive steps to gain your independence from your mother and the toxic relationship with her. 

[Teach21]

Everyone has made such wonderful replies. I don't have much to add but want to say I understand lying to protect oneself and the power of manipulation. I don't think it makes you a terrible person. We are trying to survive with the least amount of damage to ourselves.  I lie or omit the truth at times because I can't deal with the emotional responses I know my mom will have. There is always so much drama. My mom is so good at manipulating and makes me question myself all the time. I feel emotionally responsible for her. This is something I'm working on. She lives halfway around the world from me, and it's still constant. You are not alone.

[Notwendy]

You always have to be careful what you do and say because someone will see or hear it, and potentially pass it on to my mother in conversation if they go visit her at her house (she is housebound for mobility reasons).

I also haven't told her I only work 3 days a week

This is one of those times where less is truly more.  The less she knows about you, the less able she is to use it against you.

No.  You are not a terrible person. 

Yes, if I share anything with someone in my mother's circle- she needs to be told first. I understand that she'd feel hurt if I told someone something and she wasn't aware of it. But it's with minor things too. Sometimes I just forget about something I said if I was busy- and that becomes an issue.

Also words. I said to BPD mother "we are worried about you"- a collective non descript "we" to mean family, friends, nobody in specific. Then she calls to ask "who is "we"? Who is this "we" you are talking about. So it's not only what I share- it's the words too.

[Teach21]

Yes, if I share anything with someone in my mother's circle- she needs to be told first. I understand that she'd feel hurt if I told someone something and she wasn't aware of it. But it's with minor things too. Sometimes I just forget about something I said if I was busy- and that becomes an issue.

Also words. I said to BPD mother "we are worried about you"- a collective non descript "we" to mean family, friends, nobody in specific. Then she calls to ask "who is "we"? Who is this "we" you are talking about. So it's not only what I share- it's the words too.

YES! My mom is the same.  We can never really be ourselves. It's constantly filtering everything through the lens of how they will perceive it. It's exhausting.

[TelHill]

It's not a lie when you protect yourself from a person h3llbent on ruining your life. I had a terrible boyfriend in college who was angry when I broke up with him. He threatened me unless I told him I loved him. I didn't at all, but I lied to get away from him. What a weirdo!   (I reported him to the police. He dropped out of school.) I bet you would lie under the same circumstances. It was for the greater good of myself and this young man to get help. It may have prevented him from committing a terrible crime and totally ruining his life.

I'm good at seeing what I need to survive  in all things except when someone gives me a pity party story or I'm worn down by their kindness. This is how my mother would trick me into being in my life to eventually wreak havoc.

I totally understand how important honesty is to you. Being kind, just and not participating in gossip or ridicule is of the utmost importance to me. It gives me a sense of identity and safety because it's the opposite of what my bullying mother is. Could that be part of it?

You can keep going as you are -- lying for a greater good. Once you completed your program, you can tell your mom the truth. Tell her everything. Don't hold back if it makes you feel better.

Your mother is not well. I know she would want you to complete your schooling to get to a great future if she were normal.

Is there an adult at school who could help you? I'm guessing that you might have a religious background. Could you speak to a clergy member of that religion for guidance? If you don't, sorry I mentioned it.

I'm so hoping you continue with your program and graduate with no more lost time.

[ClaireB75]

I think this is one of the great tragedies of BPD - it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. They fear abandonment, but drive everyone away.
They fear being lied to, but make it impossible to be truthful because we have to protect ourselves.
They fear enmeshing with others, but disappear for weeks at a time, making us worry and chase them up.
They are paranoid but cause others to be distrustful and so behave differently to them.
You have done nothing wrong. My family had to tell employers about our person with BPD as they were threatening to call and say all sorts of things about us. They are very disturbed people sadly and we have to try to survive.