I have run out of capacity to support my sister who has BPD traits.

[gooddaysunshine]

This is my first post here and I am looking for any advice or support. My older sister (32) has some pretty severe emotional regulation issues that have gone on since she was a teenager but have increased in intensity throughout her adulthood. I am currently a mental health counselor in training and finishing up my master's degree. Learning about personality disorders in my classes has led me to think my sister meets the criteria for BPD, but she has never been diagnosed and she does not want to go to therapy. I used to wonder if she had bipolar disorder or just depression/addiction issues/poor impulse control, but the nature of BPD is so much closer to what I have experienced with her (looking at the DSM, she absolutely meets the criteria, particularly when it comes to episodes of dysphoria, suicidality, inappropriate anger, and unstable self-image). I have never told her that I think this is her diagnosis, as it's unethical for me to do so, and I am not sure having this diagnosis would even help her understand herself.

She has a history of substance abuse and an eating disorder (bulimia), which she says she has been coping with much better than when she was a teenager/young adult. She takes prescribed Adderall and smokes weed constantly. Alcoholism and addiction run in our family, which has also made it very difficult for my mom to be supportive of her, since she has spent her life warring with her alcoholic siblings. My sister has difficulty maintaining friendships and relationships. She will typically make a really close friend based on a situation (school, neighbor, coworker) but then the relationship will fizzle out and she's left with no support system. So, I am her only confidante and have on the receiving end of every emotional meltdown, complaining session, "everything sucks," "I regret xyz," "I'm never going to be happy," etc., etc. for years. She has a strained relationship with our parents, but they are still always there for her, and can enable her at times. They are exhausted and have spent thousands on her mistakes over the years (that would be an entirely separate post).

My main challenge now is that we currently live together and we will be living together for another year before I graduate and move in with my boyfriend. Since I am paying for school and living in an expensive city, it makes the most sense to stay living with her, but dealing with her emotional crises the last few years have taken a serious toll on me and our relationship. She frequently comes home in tears, sobbing about this or that, and I have no more capacity to support her anymore. I have helped her with various life tasks, offered advice and emotional support, and offered tough love. But I wind up losing my patience and getting frustrated, and I need to work on setting boundaries and not engaging/enabling circular patterns of conversation.

But I have immense guilt that I am not helping someone who is drowning. She is my sister and I love her, but I carry a lot of resentment for what she has put me and my parents through for so, so many years. I am grateful I have a strong support system, but I wish I could help her. She is in a lot of debt and does not currently have a full-time job, and I feel like next year, when I move out, she will be in an incredibly bad spot. The best thing she could do is move in with my parents (who unfortunately moved out of state), but of course she and my mom have such a rocky relationship that I don't think she will move in with them. My mom has a lot of emotional regulation issues that led to a lot of arguing and dysregulation in our childhood and no doubt contributed to the BPD symptoms.

I am at a complete loss. And the worst part is, I can feel myself starting to care less and less and just wanting to continue my own life and detach from her. I get nothing but heartache from our relationship. I have a wonderful boyfriend, friends, and am so excited for my future/my career path. It breaks my heart that my sister is so alone and feels so much intense shame that she cannot make steps to relieve this pain.

[schwing]

Hi gooddaysunshine and

I have never told her that I think this is her diagnosis, as it's unethical for me to do so, and I am not sure having this diagnosis would even help her understand herself.

I wouldn’t tell her, certainly not unless/until she demonstrates a wherewithal and desire to address her own issues and behaviors.  Unless she does, I would consider informing her to be as futile as approaching an alcoholic who is in full denial of their addiction.  That said, I don’t think it’s “unethical” to tell a loved one that they might have a problem.

Also, as a co-dependent, I can understand the strong tendency to focus on the problems of others rather than focusing on my own issues.  You are here for you, not for her.  Use this resource (BPDfamily.org) to help you; you deserve the help.  You might even need it.

She will typically make a really close friend based on a situation (school, neighbor, coworker) but then the relationship will fizzle out and she's left with no support system. So, I am her only confidante and have on the receiving end of every emotional meltdown, complaining session, "everything sucks," "I regret xyz," "I'm never going to be happy," etc., etc. for years. She has a strained relationship with our parents, but they are still always there for her, and can enable her at times. They are exhausted and have spent thousands on her mistakes over the years (that would be an entirely separate post).

Just because you might be her only emotional resource on occasions, doesn’t mean you are obligated to support her always.  Sometimes she may need to live the consequences of her choices — otherwise, you are also enabling her.  I have found that the best allies when relating to loved ones who might have BPD, are “distance” and “formality.”  Support your sister, but try to keep your relationship as formal as possible; you might find that her behaviors change when in the presence of a chaperone.  

There are few things that are harder than watching a loved one make preventable mistakes that cause them to suffer.  

My main challenge now is that we currently live together and we will be living together for another year before I graduate and move in with my boyfriend. Since I am paying for school and living in an expensive city, it makes the most sense to stay living with her, but dealing with her emotional crises the last few years have taken a serious toll on me and our relationship.

Yeah, there isn’t very much distance when you live together.  All the more important it is to gather support for yourself in these trying times.

But I have immense guilt that I am not helping someone who is drowning. She is my sister and I love her, but I carry a lot of resentment for what she has put me and my parents through for so, so many years.

Consider reading “The Bridge” parable written by Edwin H Friedman.  Here’s a link:

You’re not responsible to help someone who is unwilling to help themselves.  Nor are you obligated to fall down the hole with them to keep them company.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[anon331312]

> But I have immense guilt that I am not helping someone who is drowning. She is my sister and I love her, but I carry a lot of resentment for what she has put me and my parents through for so, so many years. I am grateful I have a strong support system, but I wish I could help her. She is in a lot of debt and does not currently have a full-time job, and I feel like next year, when I move out, she will be in an incredibly bad spot.

My sister is 3 years older than me and is also co-dependent. I have lived with her for most of my life and it's only recent that I've moved out on my own to a different city. I would suggest to you that you can't be your sister's savior for the rest of her life and prop up her house of cards indefinitely. You need to live your's and she's responsible for her's. It's not to say you can't help her but you should not be making big sacrifices.

If this means she will hit rock bottom, then perhaps that's a necessary lesson for her. If she can't learn from that lesson, then you will still likely need to let go. It may sound callous but I've seen many people ruined by enabling pwBPD their entire lives. At some point, you'd need to cut your losses and hope for the best.

> The best thing she could do is move in with my parents (who unfortunately moved out of state), but of course she and my mom have such a rocky relationship that I don't think she will move in with them. My mom has a lot of emotional regulation issues that led to a lot of arguing and dysregulation in our childhood and no doubt contributed to the BPD symptoms.

No, that's the not the best thing. That's one of the worst things for your parents. They are entering their twilight years and this is absolutely not something they should deal with. The best thing you can do for her is to help her gain some semblence of independence (job search, community center programs, social welfare program) and free/cheap therapy. If she refuses your help, then you've reached the end of your ability to help.

[livednlearned]

gooddaysunshine,

There may be a handful of skills available to you that help offset some of your sister's behaviors. A lot will depend on the specifics of how you both co-evolved to interact and what is manageable for you in terms of making changes. It's not uncommon for siblings of pwBPD to feel responsible for them, something parents may encourage.

pwBPD can simultaneously wants two opposing things: to be helped and to feel capable. Confusing! It's not easy threading the needle between those two things with someone who expects you to help, if that's your go-to with them. Changing that expectation is often the hardest part. Your sister may want to solve (some of) her problems but is afraid family will ignore her (preoccupation with abandonment) if she didn't have those problems. Making it even more complicated is that the problems are often real.

With SD26, I practiced asking her validation questions -- this was all I felt capable of doing in the beginning. Anything she presented to me I responded with curiosity without offering advice, or curiosity about how she was going to handle xyz. It was easier for me to do this than her dad (my H) because I was a relatively clean slate. Your sister might sense a shift in how you communicate with her that she will then test to see how solid it is. That part is hard!

I also had to make an effort to spend time with SD26, which was challenging for me given the degree of (mostly covert) aggression directed my way. To be honest, I wasn't great at this because I was struggling with the ways in which she reminded me of family of origin behaviors.

One way I got through the new changes was to visualize a cup. It was my job to make sure that cup was filled every day. If I didn't sleep well, my first responsibility was to fill it. If it was filled, then I made an effort to seek SD26 out and spend time with her. If she rolled over boundaries, I focused on taking care of myself to fill that cup again. For some reason this metaphor helped me manage compassion with boundaries in a way that felt more fluid and aligned with my values. Friends and therapists gave me advice to have hard boundaries and do x or y but honestly I think that was more about wanting me to stop talking about the problem than genuinely helping me manage my relationship.

I don't want to make it sound easier than it is, because change is hard. BPD relationships are challenging relationships, some would say they are the most challenging. Especially for carers.

When it's family and you have a history -- a long history -- the changes take more time and sometimes they're tiny little changes for a long time before you see the big ones.