Hi Trying2bekind, and
Is it common to not know what demeanor or value is really theirs?
I think part of the issue is people with (pwBPD) have identity issues. I suppose this is because they have a personality disorder. For example, what I like or value, how I present myself to others, all depends upon my disposition and personality. But when you have an "unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self" (one of the criteria for the diagnosis of BPD) your demeanor can change depending upon what context you are in (Are you around family? Are you around co-workers? Are you around just your spouse or child?).
Moreover, I think pwBPD can sometimes triangulate as a means of limiting the exposure of their identity issues. My mother (uBPD), for instance, used to approach me and talk to me about how someone else in the family feels this, that or the other thing; like "your father isn't happy about how you behaved the other night," or "your aunt told me the other day you looked like you gained some weight." I used to wonder, is this what my mother thinks and she's just hiding behind the opinion of someone else so that if I respond poorly she won't take any of the blame? Or is she trying to facilitate a more harmonious family dynamic by communicating in our stead whenever we aren't communicating sufficiently?
Nowadays, I think the primary motivation behind these seemly random expressions had only to do with whatever impulse or need she had at the time. Maybe it was projection, she felt like she behaved badly on some occasion, then projected it onto me. Or maybe she wasn't feeling so good about her own weight (body image issues) and decided to project it onto me. I don't really know. She wasn't really forthcoming about what was going on inside her head. That said, we have a lot of relatives who took issue with her behavior on occasion. And she did have a lot of body image insecurities over the years.
Whatever it was, the specifics changed from day to month and month to years. I think how my mother presented herself to my sister or brother was somewhat different from how she presented herself to me. And this was probably the case with other close family or her friends. She was particularly good at keeping us all relatively separated from each other. For example, I never really got to meet some of her church friends -- whenever I offered, she insisted I didn't.
Do people feel like they thought there was sincerity and then not?
I think that when someone says that they feel strongly about something one day, and then don't seem to have the same strong feelings another day, then you might not think they were sincere in the first place.
For example, if someone told me that they thought the world of me and that I was the most important person in their life one day. And the next day, they all but ignored me, I would be inclined to think that they were probably being insincere with me in the former instance.
The Oxford dictionary definition of "sincerity" is "the quality of being free from pretense, deceit, or hypocrisy." For pwBPD, I think that often they are being *very* sincere about how they are feeling at the time that they feel it. But because how they feel can change so capriciously, it is difficult to depend upon the stability of their feelings. And so it is easy to see them as insincere. I also think the delusional can seem very sincere.
Best wishes,
Schwing
