Do not want to talk to my mother anymore

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Everything with my uBPD mother seems to be urgent. In order for me to not enable her false sense of urgency, I typically don't pick up right away. Often times though, I'm in the middle of work and worried about her ruining my day.

A few weeks ago, she called me about something that wasn't even urgent. I didn't pick up, but she inadvertently left a voicemail. In the background, she called me "crazy", "animal", "pig".

When I returned her call a few hours later and addressed her concern, I followed up with a text message forwarding her the voicemail. She then sent me these messages:

"I am very sorry for what I said, my eyes just hurt esp when I use the phone, sorry"

"Every time I call, it's always the answering machine, when we stayed at your house, you scolded me almost everyday. You look at me with angry eyes. Before we left, you said many hurtful things, it made me cry so much. You never treated me good enough even though we only stayed at your for house 2 nights. This is the first time I've seen an Asian daughter not welcome her parents at her own house. We are old. Someday, you too will grow old. There was a time when you told me "f- you". I was heartbroken to hear it, I can’t believe it. I'm so sorry. I just ran out of patience. I am aware and feel so sorry.

By the way, I never said "f- you". What happened was, we were fighting and my husband walked in asking what happened. I said, "I don't know. I can't f- deal with this." But somehow, she twisted my words and made it seem like I directly said the f-word to her. By the way, she launched a smear campaign about this and texted my friend about it.

"I just ran out of patience because of what I have experienced with you at your 2 houses that we stayed in. I am so jealous with your Aunt G because she so so welcomed by her son, M, and his wife. Your Aunt M also is welcome by JM and her husband. With you, you picked us up at the airport without talking so much, didn't even ask about our flight. It's a deafening kind of silence that on our first night at the hotel I was crying. A kind of stress and pain that is extremely disturbing and sickening both emotionally, mentally and physically. As I said, I just ran our of patience because I am only human."

For your information, when I picked them up at the airport, their flight arrived 30 minutes earlier than expected. I initially asked them to wait a bit while I finished up a meeting. Later, I checked in on how their flight went and made sure they had something to eat. However, it seems that no matter what I do or say, it's always perceived as wrong. Looking back, maybe I should have canceled that meeting altogether to avoid any conflict between it and their arrival at the airport. I just didn't know they were going to land 30 min earlier.

I couldn't help but respond to her:

"You can blame and criticize me all you want. I'm not explaining any further. I know you. Those words are very familiar to me since my elementary years. I'm already 40 years old, so are you saying you've been fed up for 40 years? Those are your true colors. Please be reminded that I just sent you $1,000 last week to help with your surgery."

These were her responses, but I didn't reply back anymore:

"I'm not blaming you. It’s reality that you have extremely changed since you got married, whether I like it or not I have to accept the change that I have never expected at all, but I am thankful for everything you have given me when we were together in the USA. You are generous, but just please don't scold me constantly because I am only human and I may run out of patience. But even if you continue hating, still, I will continue praying for you and your family, God bless"

"You have done very nice things esp helping me during my annulment journey. You are very smart and strategic and provided support every step of the way. I really appreciate you and sorry for what I said. But you have big heart, it’s all that matters."

It was her birthday the other day and I didn't want to call. I really don't want to talk to her. I just sent her a "Happy Birthday, Mom" animated GIF. Today, at 2AM her time, she sent me a text message asking if she can call. I have not responded yet. I just dread any type of interaction with her. I have a feeling she's going throw a tirade about me not calling during her birthday.

Also, recently, we found a long-term tenant for my property back home for $500/month. She asked if we could split it just so she can have her own monthly income. I said nicely that she can keep it all ($250/month is not worth my mental stress). She got mad after hearing this, accusing me of making this decision out of anger. I told her she can keep it because considering inflation, they need it. She said she won't keep it, but will deposit it to my local bank account. I told her whatever, she can do whatever she wants with it.

I just wanted to vent that it is so awful to hear this kind of voicemail, especially from your own mother. While I'm no stranger to her hurtful words, it's different when it's recorded because you can replay it and just listen to how awful it is over and over again.

[zanyapple]

Everything with my uBPD mother seems to be urgent. In order for me to not enable her false sense of urgency, I typically don't pick up right away. Often times though, I'm in the middle of work and worried about her ruining my day.

A few weeks ago, she called me about something that wasn't even urgent. I didn't pick up, but she inadvertently left a voicemail. In the background, she called me "crazy", "animal", "pig".

When I returned her call a few hours later and addressed her concern, I followed up with a text message forwarding her the voicemail. She then sent me these messages:

"I am very sorry for what I said, my eyes just hurt esp when I use the phone, sorry"

"Every time I call, it's always the answering machine, when we stayed at your house, you scolded me almost everyday. You look at me with angry eyes. Before we left, you said many hurtful things, it made me cry so much. You never treated me good enough even though we only stayed at your for house 2 nights. This is the first time I've seen an Asian daughter not welcome her parents at her own house. We are old. Someday, you too will grow old. There was a time when you told me "f- you". I was heartbroken to hear it, I can’t believe it. I'm so sorry. I just ran out of patience. I am aware and feel so sorry.

By the way, I never said "f- you". What happened was, we were fighting and my husband walked in asking what happened. I said, "I don't know. I can't f- deal with this." But somehow, she twisted my words and made it seem like I directly said the f-word to her. By the way, she launched a smear campaign about this and texted my friend about it.

"I just ran out of patience because of what I have experienced with you at your 2 houses that we stayed in. I am so jealous with your Aunt G because she so so welcomed by her son, M, and his wife. Your Aunt M also is welcome by JM and her husband. With you, you picked us up at the airport without talking so much, didn't even ask about our flight. It's a deafening kind of silence that on our first night at the hotel I was crying. A kind of stress and pain that is extremely disturbing and sickening both emotionally, mentally and physically. As I said, I just ran our of patience because I am only human."

For your information, when I picked them up at the airport, their flight arrived 30 minutes earlier than expected. I initially asked them to wait a bit while I finished up a meeting. Later, I checked in on how their flight went and made sure they had something to eat. However, it seems that no matter what I do or say, it's always perceived as wrong. Looking back, maybe I should have canceled that meeting altogether to avoid any conflict between it and their arrival at the airport. I just didn't know they were going to land 30 min earlier.

I couldn't help but respond to her:

"You can blame and criticize me all you want. I'm not explaining any further. I know you. Those words are very familiar to me since my elementary years. I'm already 40 years old, so are you saying you've been fed up for 40 years? Those are your true colors. Please be reminded that I just sent you $1,000 last week to help with your surgery."

These were her responses, but I didn't reply back anymore:

"I'm not blaming you. It’s reality that you have extremely changed since you got married, whether I like it or not I have to accept the change that I have never expected at all, but I am thankful for everything you have given me when we were together in the USA. You are generous, but just please don't scold me constantly because I am only human and I may run out of patience. But even if you continue hating, still, I will continue praying for you and your family, God bless"

"You have done very nice things esp helping me during my annulment journey. You are very smart and strategic and provided support every step of the way. I really appreciate you and sorry for what I said. But you have big heart, it’s all that matters."

It was her birthday the other day and I didn't want to call. I really don't want to talk to her. I just sent her a "Happy Birthday, Mom" animated GIF. Today, at 2AM her time, she sent me a text message asking if she can call. I have not responded yet. I just dread any type of interaction with her. I have a feeling she's going throw a tirade about me not calling during her birthday.

Also, recently, we found a long-term tenant for my property back home for $500/month. She asked if we could split it just so she can have her own monthly income. I said nicely that she can keep it all ($250/month is not worth my mental stress). She got mad after hearing this, accusing me of making this decision out of anger. I told her she can keep it because considering inflation, they need it. She said she won't keep it, but will deposit it to my local bank account. I told her whatever, she can do whatever she wants with it.

I just wanted to vent that it is so awful to hear this kind of voicemail, especially from your own mother. While I'm no stranger to her hurtful words, it's different when it's recorded because you can replay it and just listen to how awful it is over and over again.

[Notwendy]

When my BPD mother wants something, it's "urgent" to her and she wants an immediate response. If she calls and I don't answer, sometimes she will keep calling until I just pick up.

It's not just with me. I hear she does that with the call button for the nursing staff at her assisted living and she does this with other family members.

I have gotten some of those mean messages on my phone. I understand how you feel hurt. I have felt that way too- to think one's mother would say these things.

This probably sounds odd but while it's assumed that a mother would not say or do things like this, I have learned that my mother does say and do things like this. By not expecting her to be different- it takes some of the emotional reaction out of it.

You can choose to not speak to your mother if this is what is best for you. You don't have to tolerate verbal abuse.

[Mommydoc]

I agree. Many times it is necessary to take a break, limit communication or go low or no contact I think your desire to limit contact is self compassionate and healthy. Limiting contact to email or text messages is a great way to have some communication but the asynchronous nature can  be helpful in creating some needed pauses, time for our own self reflection and time out, as well as for our family member.

People with BPD have difficulty with emotional self management. It is hard to know if the urgency is a symptom of dysregulation or if they are the BPDs attempt to relive the intense emotions they are experiencing. It doesn’t matter, as in those moments, it is all about them, a 2 way exchange is often not possible and all you end up doing is becoming their punching bag or using all your energy to try to de-escalate.

My sister with BPD will cal, text and email concurrently and repeatedly when she gets in this state and the urgency is always her own self imposed urgency. Part of the boundaries I had to develop was to let her exhaust her energy on all of those, before answering and I sometimes just answer the last one which might be the most reasonable one. It is hard to ignore the really horrible things they will say on the phone and on messages. I am so sorry your mother said those things. I try to understand where they come from, but it’s important to recognize it as verbal abuse, and to protect yourself from it in any way you can. For a long time, I tried to figure out what I did to deserve it, but it wasn’t until my therapist labeled it as verbal abuse and specifically told me I did not deserve that, that I was able to separate what she said about me from who I am, to truly reject it. It is probably much harder with a mother than a sister, but I hope you will give yourself permission to limit contact in some way, to focus on self care, self compassion and your own needs, as your mother sounds like she is only capable of focusing on herself and her feelings.

[zanyapple]

When my BPD mother wants something, it's "urgent" to her and she wants an immediate response. If she calls and I don't answer, sometimes she will keep calling until I just pick up.

It's not just with me. I hear she does that with the call button for the nursing staff at her assisted living and she does this with other family members.

I have gotten some of those mean messages on my phone. I understand how you feel hurt. I have felt that way too- to think one's mother would say these things.

This probably sounds odd but while it's assumed that a mother would not say or do things like this, I have learned that my mother does say and do things like this. By not expecting her to be different- it takes some of the emotional reaction out of it.

You can choose to not speak to your mother if this is what is best for you. You don't have to tolerate verbal abuse.

Thanks @Notwendy. Just out of curiosity, what mean messages have you received? No worries if you don't want to share.

For whatever reason, her message sounds worse than all the other messages from her. It just hit me different because I am able to replay it, and I feel like it's impacting me more because her words are so clear. She also didn't know her call went to voicemail, thus inadvertently being recorded, so it made it feel raw and unfiltered.

[zanyapple]

My sister with BPD will cal, text and email concurrently and repeatedly when she gets in this state and the urgency is always her own self imposed urgency. Part of the boundaries I had to develop was to let her exhaust her energy on all of those, before answering and I sometimes just answer the last one which might be the most reasonable one.

How do you typically reply? Do you just say "OK", "OK thanks"? I just don't want to prolong the conversation.

[schwing]

Hi Zanyapple,

Everything with my uBPD mother seems to be urgent.

Urgency elicits fear.  Sure, it's just a call from your mother.  To everyone else, a newspaper is just for reading.  To a battered puppy, it is something else altogether different.

But somehow, she twisted my words and made it seem like I directly said the f-word to her. By the way, she launched a smear campaign about this and texted my friend about it.

It doesn't seem fair that she's allowed to say hurtful words to you, but you are *obligated* to forgive her because "her phone hurts her eyes."  When you speak out in anger instead of forgiveness, you are given *guilt*.

Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  F*O*G.  If the main emotions you are experiencing when interacting with someone is mostly FOG, chances are, that person is manipulating you.  Or at the very least, that person is giving you very poor reasons to interact with them.

"...You are generous, but just please don't scold me constantly because I am only human and I may run out of patience. But even if you continue hating, still, I will continue praying for you and your family, God bless."

"You have done very nice things esp helping me during my annulment journey. You are very smart and strategic and provided support every step of the way. I really appreciate you and sorry for what I said. But you have big heart, it’s all that matters."

She knows how to say nice things when she is motivated to do so.  Rather when what she needs emotionally is served by saying nice things, then she will say nice things; and when she feels that you have been pushed too far, then she will try to lull you back in with honeyed words.  But once you are lulled in,  it may then serve her emotional needs to trigger your sense of *fear* *obligation* and *guilt.*.  She does not say these awful things because she is a bad person, but rather she is using you to help her absolve herself of her disordered emotions through projection.

She pushes your fear button so that her own disordered fears are validated.  She reminds you that it is your obligation to treat her a certain way while leaving out her obligation as a mother to be supportive to an adult child.  When she feels like scolding you, she will bring up how your cousins are ideal in their interactions with their parents. But does she ever compare her behavior towards you (and/or your siblings) with how your cousin's parents behave towards them?

If your mother is like my uBPD mother, she will have trained you to keep your distance from your relatives.  On the one hand, if your own parents are willing to mistreat you, how much worse can your other relatives be?  On the other hand, if you are never able to compare notes with other relatives, you may never find out how far your mother's inappropriate behaviors have affected extended family.

When I was a child, my parents had many occasions when we spent a lot of time with a related family, only to suddenly be estranged from them for reasons that were never explained to us children.  I have no doubt that my mother's behavior was a major issues in those family squabbles.

It was her birthday the other day and I didn't want to call. I really don't want to talk to her. I just sent her a "Happy Birthday, Mom" animated GIF. Today, at 2AM her time, she sent me a text message asking if she can call. I have not responded yet. I just dread any type of interaction with her. I have a feeling she's going throw a tirade about me not calling during her birthday.

And it's very telling that you dread having an interaction with your mother.  It doesn't mean you're an awful daughter.  It doesn't mean that you have no love in your heart.  It means that you have learned that very little good (for you) can come of this kind of interaction.  And she has taught you this with her own behaviors.  Never mind the years of your life when you had no one else except her from which to learn how to relate to another person.

I've found that the best tools when dealing with disordered loved ones are "distance" and "formality."  If it is too difficult to cut them out all together, then make sure that during whatever occasion you must interact with them are polite and formal.  Bring a chaperone if you must.  But do not be her informal on call therapist.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Notwendy]

Hi Zanyapple,

Urgency elicits fear.  Sure, it's just a call from your mother.  To everyone else, a newspaper is just for reading.  To a battered puppy, it is something else altogether different.


And it's very telling that you dread having an interaction with your mother.  It doesn't mean you're an awful daughter.  It doesn't mean that you have no love in your heart.  It means that you have learned that very little good (for you) can come of this kind of interaction.  And she has taught you this with her own behaviors.  Never mind the years of your life when you had no one else except her from which to learn how to relate to another person.

I've found that the best tools when dealing with disordered loved ones are "distance" and "formality."  If it is too difficult to cut them out all together, then make sure that during whatever occasion you must interact with them are polite and formal.  Bring a chaperone if you must.  But do not be her informal on call therapist.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Said well! My mother told me today that she was not feeling well, then asked "what should she do" ? This sets me in "fix it now mode" who should I call, what should I do?

This time though, I remembere- she's in assisted living. There's a nurse there. She has a 24/7 phone number to call someone if she doesn't feel well. Surely these people are better qualified to help her and they are right there.

The pattern is- BPD mother is upset about something and so, this situation needs to be tended to immediately- and it's a fear response. No matter what her need are, they are "urgent"- and need to be taken care of.

I had the urge to call someone for her---but then realized- I don't have to, she has people right where she is that can help her.