Sibling Alienation-how to get back in relationship

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My bpd/NPD parents have succeeded in alienating me from my siblings. For the past 4years I’ve had to separate myself from the entire family of 9 , ie 7 siblings ( and their wives) as my mother has spun all kinds of stories about everyone that it was hard to maintain any kind of relationship with my brothers and sister when I knew fully well how far my mother will go.

A few days ago I made a leap in my healing journey- questioning my decision to go no contact with the entire family.

 For the most part, me and my siblings were not close because we were all part of the divide and conquer scheme that my mum embedded in the family.

So I have been feeling lately that I let her win if I don’t confront this situation and deal with it for what it is. So a few days ago I called my eldest brother- he’s the current scapegoat of the family. According to him, my mother  influenced the conflict between my brother and his ex wife such that my brother is  not allowed access to his children- while she and a few of my siblings do have access to the children.

And all this because my brother’s ex wife earns more money than my brother and is more useful to my mother ( my sister in law doesn’t have parents- all died within the past 10years).
I was once part of the party of disordered behaviour encouraging her to protect my sister in law. And once I got gaslighted by mum- in a skilfully orchestrated conflict were she said horrible things that my sister in law had done and I rushed in to rescue my mother - only - I acted senselessly and the entire family jumped at me verbally, attacking me for being jealoused of my sister in law. Those were the early days of my awakening.

I called my brother to apologise for the role I played in those days when I was a well esteemed flying monkey for my mother- my brother said he holds no grudges against me as he knew exactly what happened.

The next issue I have now is one of my younger brothers who I also acted insensitively against at a period in his life when he had just lost his children ( still born twins) . My mother was painting my younger brother’s wife black at the time and you guessed it, I rushed in again to rescue her. This time although I didn’t do much wrong as I cut my mum off quickly enough before I got too far in my actions. My mum even gave me the silent treatment when I told her I couldn’t get involved in the fight against my brother.

I still feel guilty for holding onto the false narratives that my mum instilled in me and I’m determined to call a few of my siblings- not all of them ( 2 of which I m happy to remain no contact with). But I feel like I am losing out on my relationship with my siblings because of my mum.

My youngest 3 siblings I helped raise- and I ve been scapegoated for treating them badly when they were young. I was only 14 when the youngest was born so I couldn’t have been held responsible in any way for whatever mess occurred in their childhood. I was resentful for having to lose out on my teenage years to care for my siblings and that resentment came out as anger and depression. That’s still being held against me.

So here I am now- at a limbo at how to handle years of damage inflicted on my relationships by my mother.

Where do I go from here- has anyone here tried to heal their relationship with their alienated siblings?

[Tangled mangled]

My bpd/NPD parents have succeeded in alienating me from my siblings. For the past 4years I’ve had to separate myself from the entire family of 9 , ie 7 siblings ( and their wives) as my mother has spun all kinds of stories about everyone that it was hard to maintain any kind of relationship with my brothers and sister when I knew fully well how far my mother will go.

A few days ago I made a leap in my healing journey- questioning my decision to go no contact with the entire family.

 For the most part, me and my siblings were not close because we were all part of the divide and conquer scheme that my mum embedded in the family.

So I have been feeling lately that I let her win if I don’t confront this situation and deal with it for what it is. So a few days ago I called my eldest brother- he’s the current scapegoat of the family. According to him, my mother  influenced the conflict between my brother and his ex wife such that my brother is  not allowed access to his children- while she and a few of my siblings do have access to the children.

And all this because my brother’s ex wife earns more money than my brother and is more useful to my mother ( my sister in law doesn’t have parents- all died within the past 10years).
I was once part of the party of disordered behaviour encouraging her to protect my sister in law. And once I got gaslighted by mum- in a skilfully orchestrated conflict were she said horrible things that my sister in law had done and I rushed in to rescue my mother - only - I acted senselessly and the entire family jumped at me verbally, attacking me for being jealoused of my sister in law. Those were the early days of my awakening.

I called my brother to apologise for the role I played in those days when I was a well esteemed flying monkey for my mother- my brother said he holds no grudges against me as he knew exactly what happened.

The next issue I have now is one of my younger brothers who I also acted insensitively against at a period in his life when he had just lost his children ( still born twins) . My mother was painting my younger brother’s wife black at the time and you guessed it, I rushed in again to rescue her. This time although I didn’t do much wrong as I cut my mum off quickly enough before I got too far in my actions. My mum even gave me the silent treatment when I told her I couldn’t get involved in the fight against my brother.

I still feel guilty for holding onto the false narratives that my mum instilled in me and I’m determined to call a few of my siblings- not all of them ( 2 of which I m happy to remain no contact with). But I feel like I am losing out on my relationship with my siblings because of my mum.

My youngest 3 siblings I helped raise- and I ve been scapegoated for treating them badly when they were young. I was only 14 when the youngest was born so I couldn’t have been held responsible in any way for whatever mess occurred in their childhood. I was resentful for having to lose out on my teenage years to care for my siblings and that resentment came out as anger and depression. That’s still being held against me.

So here I am now- at a limbo at how to handle years of damage inflicted on my relationships by my mother.

Where do I go from here- has anyone here tried to heal their relationship with their alienated siblings?

[Pook075]

Hey Tangled.  We all make mistakes because not a single one of us are perfect.  And if we look to the past, there's plenty of blame to pass around for why we shouldn't trust anyone in our lives.  In my opinion though, that's not the way to live.

Contact your siblings and apologize for anything you may have done...even if it was on behalf of your mother.  You've already started down that path and had a good result with your oldest brother.  Just keep it up, apologize, and try to rebuild those relationships at each of your siblings paces.  Some will be quick and painless.  Others may not be.  But you can choose to extend the olive branch and brings things one step closer to a resolution. 

I don't think anyone has ever regretted dropping old grudges and moving on with life.  Family is so important and so easy to take for granted.  I hope you're able to repair each of those relationships in time.

[Notwendy]

I was alienated from my BPD mother's family for many years after my father passed away. I think she had painted me black to some of them and also told them not to speak to me.

They contacted me and asked to meet up with me, and apologized. I didn't expect that. I had grieved the loss of contact with them and truthfully - still was sad about it but figured there wasn't anything I could do. I had already tried to reach out to them at the time.

I was willing to give them a chance, but cautiously. I didn't know if I could trust them. I also learned they were angry at me about an email I had sent that they misinterpreted. I never intended that. So sometimes the feelings can come from something misread that one doesn't even know about. I was glad that could be cleared up.

So reach out - but expect caution, hesitancy, even anger. It will take some time to regain their trust. I hope this is possible. I am glad for the reconnection to family.

[Tangled mangled]

Update,
So the difficulty was only imagined and my eldest brother and the younger one have shown more awareness of our parents behaviour even though they don’t seem to have a name for what’s going on. They have a good handle on my mother’s behaviour and the way they see her is: she’s the puppet master using us siblings to throw punches against each other for her benefit.
I apologised for my own behaviour in the past and it appears they didn’t hold any grudges against me, they are just happy to have me back in their lives and are very pleased that one more sibling is joining them in being aware of my mum’s behaviour- they don’t know it’s a disorder but have been fighting against her steadfastly.
The family is evenly divided into two groups of siblings now- one group of flying monkeys who sympathise and are keen rescuers of my mum and the other group who are aware and unwilling to rescue her.

Well I’m cautiously optimistic about gaining my siblings back but in any case I’m pleased I have 2 more adults in my life.

[Pook075]

Update,
So the difficulty was only imagined and my eldest brother and the younger one have shown more awareness of our parents behaviour even though they don’t seem to have a name for what’s going on. They have a good handle on my mother’s behaviour and the way they see her is: she’s the puppet master using us siblings to throw punches against each other for her benefit.
I apologised for my own behaviour in the past and it appears they didn’t hold any grudges against me, they are just happy to have me back in their lives and are very pleased that one more sibling is joining them in being aware of my mum’s behaviour- they don’t know it’s a disorder but have been fighting against her steadfastly.
The family is evenly divided into two groups of siblings now- one group of flying monkeys who sympathise and are keen rescuers of my mum and the other group who are aware and unwilling to rescue her.

Well I’m cautiously optimistic about gaining my siblings back but in any case I’m pleased I have 2 more adults in my life.

That's awesome news and just remember that this is a process. 

Looking back at my BPD relationships, so many people on the outside were truly oblivious to what was actually happening or the roles they played.  Some of them still genuinely dislike me and that's okay, they don't realize that they were lied to or manipulated.  Over time, those relationships have a way of working themselves out...not by me...but when facts no longer add up and the veil is lifted.

Good for you though reaching out and starting the repair process!  It's what all of us should do in these situations.

[Notwendy]

With my BPD mother's family- her generation- they had no idea. They thought she was a bit eccentric but didn't have a clue. It took them some time of interacting with her for them to begin to think otherwise. They started to think back on memories of me as a kid -realizing there were times they saw I was afraid of her.

Even if we were alienated for a while I would run into them at family occasions. I decided I'd be cordial and polite and say nothing negative about my mother. I felt it would only reflect poorly on me. When we reconnected, I kept that same boundary.

Then, one day, out of the blue, they told me they understood the situation. If they asked me questions directly- I will tell them the truth but only if they ask.

For your siblings that are rescuers- they will either see the dynamics for themselves or not over time. I am glad you have reconnected with some of your siblings and hope for the others.

There are some family members who are still a bit enmeshed with my mother. It's not about me vs her. I may be selective on how much personal information I want to share with people who are enmeshed with her but we can still speak and be cordial.

[Tangled mangled]

With my BPD mother's family- her generation- they had no idea. They thought she was a bit eccentric but didn't have a clue. It took them some time of interacting with her for them to begin to think otherwise. They started to think back on memories of me as a kid -realizing there were times they saw I was afraid of her.

Even if we were alienated for a while I would run into them at family occasions. I decided I'd be cordial and polite and say nothing negative about my mother. I felt it would only reflect poorly on me. When we reconnected, I kept that same boundary.

Then, one day, out of the blue, they told me they understood the situation. If they asked me questions directly- I will tell them the truth but only if they ask.

For your siblings that are rescuers- they will either see the dynamics for themselves or not over time. I am glad you have reconnected with some of your siblings and hope for the others.

There are some family members who are still a bit enmeshed with my mother. It's not about me vs her. I may be selective on how much personal information I want to share with people who are enmeshed with her but we can still speak and be cordial.

NW, you make several great points.
The challenge with handling flying monkeys/enabling siblings is that my mother has financial control over their lives, even if she’s not providing for them currently, she had done so in the past and they feel guilty standing up for themselves but they are not able see this, instead they see non enablers as enemies.
In my case, I don’t know why I remained her enabler for so long even after leaving the family home to live a whole continent away. The FOG was so intense, to the tune of me seeing myself as offending God if I said no to them.
My mothers behaviour almost cost me my life when I was in labour for my first child but I still saw her as my rescuer because she was playing a role-pretending to be there to help me after a major operation while mainly helping herself. It was too shameful to acknowledge all this in the past. Most of my siblings never heard of the things she did when she visited.

In my experience she’s succeeded this long due to the gaps in communication between us siblings and all of us are too hurt to acknowledge what’s going on, we are just focused on surviving it.
The youngest in the family is my only sis- I had hoped I could take her aside to impart some knowledge of what she’s dealing with but this will not happen because she’s the golden child and going by her Facebook pictures she is showing signs of being either a Bpd or histrionic- dressing very provocatively. She had made a point in the past that she was not me, not like anyone wanted her to be me -I’m the shy introverted one but can be extroverted when it’s safe to be so.
Thank you for your input.

[Notwendy]

I learned a lot about family dynamics when my father was ill. Prior to that, I thought that she was the "one with the problem" and everyone else (including me) didn't. We were just somehow "victims" of her behavior.

It was also around that time that a counselor told me I was "co-dependent" which was puzzling because I am not a dependent personality but by learning about this and working on it, I see that these are two different things. Our whole family was focused on BPD mother's feelings. This is the "normal" we were raised with.

Families are in a system that balances itself - so if one member is disordered, the other members may take on disordered roles to keep things in balance- such as being enmeshed, flying monkeys. If one member changes their role- the family feels unbalanced. Other members feel discomfort. The first attempt is to get the changed family member back into their role. If this doesn't work, they may reject that person and form a new balance between them.

I decided I needed boundaries with BPD mother. I also naively tried to "rescue" my father from her behavior. It was Karpman triangle dynamics. I didn't know it at the time. BPD mother got angry at me, enlisted my father and her extended family as "rescuers" for her and I became estranged from her family members.

I think your youngest sibling will have to figure things out on her own and it may be that she remains enmeshed. I hope she doesn't have BPD but it's also hard to know what behaviors are learned behaviors.