What should I do.

[legalboxers]

hey folks
So this saga is continuing. I went to the bank the day before yesterday to get a question asked and I was told they could not help me. So I back to the bank and they told her the same answer they told me. I dont know anymore of this non stop nagging

[Pook075]

Hi LegalBoxers,

If I'm understanding this right, your BPD relative had you go to the bank, you didn't get the answer you were looking for, and then they made you go back to the bank again?  Is that correct?

That sounds really frustrating, but I'll wait for you to confirm since I'm assuming here and don't want to do that.

[Notwendy]

Please give more detail ( not personal or identifying) about the situation as I am not sure what happened.

From your other thread about your BPD mother's changes in behavior at age 87- I think she needs to be evaluted for possible causes - such as possible dementia.

As to the bank- I will share my own experience with my mother's bank. They are very concerned about possible elder abuse and are very strict about who they will deal with on an elderly person's behalf. When my father got ill several years ago, I talked him into putting my name on their checking account in case of emergency. I did not have my name on any of their savings accounts. BPD mother got angry and told people I was forcing my parents to put my name on their account. I felt that if my parents didn't trust me, I would have nothing to do with their money. I never activated online access or looked in their accounts. I don't have a branch of that bank anywhere near me. I forgot about it.

About a year ago, BPD mother had an episode of confusion and wrote some crazy checks to people. One of her family members got concerned and asked me about it. This family member is trustworthy and I told him I tried and she wouldn't allow me to help monitor her finances. He tried and then BPD mother changed her mind.

BPD mother had made me power of attorney a while back but her bank won't honor it. They want their own POA forms .However the only way I could get access to her checking is because I had my name on the account and the bank had the information on file. I could go into the bank when visiting and identify myself.

To my surprise- this is the main account my mother uses. I found out that Dad had put me on the savings account too but I didn't know that. They did have other accounts too but BPD mother has spent all the money in them so these are what is left.

She is still considered to be "legally competent" so I can't do anything to manage her spending. However, I can watch for checks to people who are trying to take advantage of her and this is a barrier. They know I am watching. There have also been a few times when she's been in hospital and I can send payments from her account for her bills so she doesn't get late fees. Mostly though, I am not able to do much. However, if she were to become mentally incompetent, things are in place to take over the account for her.

Without my name on the account, I would have to ask her to sign the bank POA and I don't know if she'd have agreed to that. If you don't have a POA that the bank recognizes, and your mother is no longer legally mentally competent, you may need to petitition for financial guardianship. Another thing I found out is that the IRS and Social Security don't recognize a POA. There are forms and a proceedure for them too.

[legalboxers]

Hi LegalBoxers,

If I'm understanding this right, your BPD relative had you go to the bank, you didn't get the answer you were looking for, and then they made you go back to the bank again?  Is that correct?

That sounds really frustrating, but I'll wait for you to confirm since I'm assuming here and don't want to do that.

Yes you are right. She does this alot, and its annoying. I get her an answer, she dont believe the answer, and when they give her the same answer I told her she leaves in a huff. Like my explaination was not good enough for her

[Notwendy]

Yes you are right. She does this alot, and its annoying. I get her an answer, she dont believe the answer, and when they give her the same answer I told her she leaves in a huff. Like my explaination was not good enough for her

That happens with me too. It's possible that since BPD affects the closest relationships, your BPD mother projects her doubts on to you.

My BPD mother trusts people who take advantage of her with her bank information and her credit card more than she trusts her own kids who don't do that.

If I give an opinion, she discounts it. But if she hears the same thing from her hairdresser who heard it from their second cousin's next door neighbor- well that opinion counts!

[Notwendy]

As to what to do about this? I don't know. It's part of the distorted thinking. Your mother may respond better to someone you know who isn't as close to her- so maybe they can relate information to her. If one of my mother's family members also has a similar concern or suggestion that I have- it's better if she hears it from them.

[Pook075]

That happens with me too. It's possible that since BPD affects the closest relationships, your BPD mother projects her doubts on to you.

My BPD mother trusts people who take advantage of her with her bank information and her credit card more than she trusts her own kids who don't do that.

If I give an opinion, she discounts it. But if she hears the same thing from her hairdresser who heard it from their second cousin's next door neighbor- well that opinion counts!

Same story with my young adult BPD daughter.  I tell her something is about to blow up in her face, she doesn't even flinch.  If her drug dealer's second cousin's neighbor tells her that, and it's incredibly deep, insightful advice.

Over time, my daughter has adjusted her perspective as she realized dad was almost always right.  But she's also been through DPT and made pretty big strides to master it.  That's probably not an option for an elderly mom.  

What I'd do in those situations was call someone my kid painted white and explain the situation to them.  Her grandma on my ex-wife's side, for instance...she was a great resource and her voice was always heard by my daughter.  So when my kid was in the process of making a mistake, I'd call my mother in law and ask her to deliver the advice.  It saved me headaches and the problem was solved.