To be or not to be Facebook Friends

[Frida Wolfe]

My head is saying: NOO!

Facebook is the most important center of her 34 year old life (ex-best friend). It's where she gets to express who she really wants to be. She is friendly, interesting, intellectual, vulnerable, and very popular. In person she is so different. People generally stay away from her in person because it is confusing. Our close friends have issues with her, but she has only let me see the real her. She plays mental games on Facebook. For example: whenever we were fighting, she would love bomb one of our closet friends.

I have been frustrated for years with her behavior towards me. Nothing is ever her fault and because I am a good person, I just tried to ride it out. Things got so bad, and I hated how I felt around her. My feelings just didn't matter, so I slowly broke away.  In ultimate desperation to break it off after a fight, I unfriended her on facebook. This sent her into a panic. She sent nasty NASTY emails. I felt relief it was over.

Day 4 NC: I get an email saying that I am insecure but that we should still be Facebook friends because she will miss me. She gets that i don't want a close friendship, but we should be family friends for the sake of our children. Our children have known each other for many many years.

What do I do? I don't want to be facebook friends. Why does she want to be facebook friends? I can't help but think she is trying to worm herself back into my life. Also, I am afraid if I don't FB her, our circle of friends are going to think I am a horrible person when it is NOT me. I am just protecting myself  I don't want to be her friend.

I need a plan of action any help would be great!

[Vindi]

i know an "ex" couple who are still facebook friends, i really don't know why? your head is saying NO so maybe being a facebook friend is not the right thing... .right now... .let some time pass by, months,many many... .and then maybe down the road when things are settled you can  be "friends" again... .do what YOU want to do and not care about what anyone else thinks... .just my 2 cents!

[happylogist]

Unfortunately, you don't have an option of blocking her without her knowing it, I mean pretending that  you have closed your facebook account because of the mutual friends you have. If FB is not something very important for you - deactivating your account at least for several months might be an option.  It is my impression that blocking her account - will make her only angrier, whereas adding her back - will cost you energy, nerves and lots of new negative feelings. By the time you come back to FB - she probably will find someone else to focus on.

If you are really sure that the situation is not going to get worse by adding her back, you can hide her name from showing up in your news feed and also change the settings - so nothing you post will be visible to her.

[Aussie0zborn]

One of the most common comments here about how they use  Facebook is they show everyone what a great life they have. And it seems she is good at that. I would suggest she wants to taunt you with it and show you what you are missing out on.

If you decided not to have a relationship with her then its unlikely you are missing out on anything.  Save yourself the self-doubt that this can create and block her permanently. As for the kids, I take your point but only you can decide that.

[Frida Wolfe]

Thank you! I think right now I still need space to heal. No amount of FB settings was ever able to keep her from appearing in my day before. Her name/face triggers a lot of pain. I need to heal. I have been dealing with her crap for years

[purpleavocado]

Mine uses facebook to garner sympathy and play the victim. Or she will imply that she's seeing someone and text me that she isn't and doesn't want me to think there's someone else. Apparently it's okay for her to lead people to believe something untrue by being vague.

I know that un friending her will cause a war, but I am thinking about hiding her updates and filtering my privacy options so she can't see my updates. I don't even know if that's an option anymore actually. But I rarely put anything on facebook anyway... .

So anyway yeah, I see your hesitance and wish I had wise word for you

[happylogist]

Hi  anad4747,

Yes, you can control what she sees in fb.Also you can control what you see about her.

In my case I didn't want to unfriend him because I did it before and he didn't take it well, there was a lot of drama. At the end I sent him a request, which he accepted after only 2 - 3 months, while talking and calling me, but basically controlling the situation.

This time and taking into account my situation I thought a lot about the dilemma - unfriending or leaving it as it is - at the end I came to the conclusion that for my own security and his sanity - the best option is to fade away rather than to unfriend him and trigger him once again.

It is also a good willpower strengthening exercise, since I have hidden him (and also some mutual friends) from the news feed every time I look up his profile - I acknowledge that I am basically stalking him. I also can see how much my emotions have changed - before I was afraid to see him moving on, but now - with more understanding - I slowly learn to distance him from my current feelings. He is in my past and I do not want him to be in the present - so I don't check his FB page.

[turtle]

I don't want to be facebook friends.

These are your words, and THIS is your answer.

Facebook is NOT a true representation of "friendship."  The fact that they calling it "friending" someone is just ridiculous.  When I see pages where people have THOUSANDS of "friends," I laugh.  It takes energy, time and commitment to be a friend.

Facebook is a playground for the disordered.  Don't play!

turtle

[seeking balance]

I don't want to be facebook friends.

These are your words, and THIS is your answer.

Facebook is NOT a true representation of "friendship."  The fact that they calling it "friending" someone is just ridiculous.  When I see pages where people have THOUSANDS of "friends," I laugh.  It takes energy, time and commitment to be a friend.

Facebook is a playground for the disordered.  Don't play!

turtle

This quote pulled is my answer as well - Turtle beat me to it 

Look - if you don't honor your own WANTS or NEEDS - then who really will?

Take care of you.

SB

[GreenMango]

I'm with Turtle and Seeking Balance.

Facebook Friend... .in lieu of say a real friend.  Kind of like an oxymoron.

[Octoberfest]

The whole concept of "friend" is pretty interesting... .Something my T said this summer was, "<BPDex> wasn't a very good friend to you, was she." Not a question, a statement, based on what I was telling her of the things she did to me.  It is true.  You can believe what you want about whether being friends before dating someone is helpful, or if it makes it so you can't date someone, but at some level I believe a relationship is based on friendship- not doing things that would hurt the other person, looking out for them, caring for them.  My BPDex didn't do those things.  Her actions were not consistent with someone who acted with others well being in mind. It was only hers.  All the while that we were together, and now after that we have split, she has used Facebook as a weapon in her relationship games.  I was thinking today, Facebook really kind of enables people to manipulate others. Like Turtle said, and very aptly, Facebook is a playground for the disordered.  My BPDex has no pictures of any of her exes on FB with her... .only current guys.  That is not to say she didnt use to; I was all over her Facebook at one point.  But after we fought, split, reconciled, and she started dating guys at the same time, she had to be much more careful about what she put up and when, because if she wasn't careful her worlds would collide and all of us (I say all because she was dating 3 of us at once at one point) would find out.  My BPDex does not make good choices and does not hang around savvy characters.  She does not have good friends.  And she was not a good friend to me. 

Sorry for the rant, but the whole friendship thing got me thinking. I will simply echo what others have said; realize that this is about what YOU need. It doesn't REALLY matter what other members of your circle of friends think, what matters is your sanity and your mental well being.

[SweetCharlotte]

You'd be surprised how much peace of mind can come from blocking a pwBPD on Facebook totally. After a short while you won't miss them on FB; it will be your place to have fun and socialize like it's supposed to be.

I wouldn't mind if they were only projecting false images of themselves. That can be amusing to watch. They do play hurtful games like love-bombing a third party while starving you of attention. Who needs it?

[Trick1004]

I'd just block her and be done with it. Who cares what she or her friends think about you? You have to do what's best for you. It will only be a matter of time before you see something that will bite you in the ass. It was only a couple weeks ago I blocked my ex four months after she left, up to that point it wasn't doing me much harm remaining facebook "friends" but I got tired of seeing her in my friends box and realized at some point I would see something that would hurt me, so I blocked her.

Cutting all ties is the only way to completely start moving on. They didn't want to be with you so I don't get this whole staying friends thing, especially on facebook. All it is is a constant reminder of what they are up to in your absence and of course all anyone posts are things showing how awesome and great their life is.

Block her and don't feel bad for a minute about doing it. If your ex is anything like mine she certainly didn't give a crap about how you felt when she left.

[Hope 4 a better day]

When I broke up with my BPD girlfriend 1 1/2 years ago she took me off facebook in anger then asked to refriend me while at the same time she was painting me black with others with lies and distortions. I decided to block her as I did not want her causing any more problems for me as she had in the past and I did not want to get weak at some point by having access to her and letting her back into my life. It was a tough decision to leave her and I had to continue to walk in a different direction for my own sanity as time has moved on it was the right choice for me.

[ScotisGone74]

At the sudden end of the R/S with the exBPD I had just started to get on FB, and to my wonderment she is on there with the new guy in an 'intimate relationship' while still talking to me and stringing me along.  And in a couple of weeks they were 'engaged'.   The sad part is that she had him block me from his account.  So his pictures would not show up on Her page- thats just really sad to do that to someone.   Of course she didn't mention any of this to me while it was going on.  The weird part is that as hurt as I am she sends me this raging email about me not 'friending' her while this is going on.    Sheesh, with "Friends" like that, who needs enemies?     

Like others have said, they weren't good friends, not the kind of friend I would want, so what is the point of being FB 'friends' with them?    It is only for their self esteem and to keep the push/pull drama going.