Weird dreams of my pwBPD... how long will they last?

[Elpis]

For ages, even before I left, I would have dreams where my uBPDh was holding me from behind with my arms pinned and I couldn't do anything but go wherever I was taken--a pawn, I suppose.

Last night (I've been out of the house for about 10 months) I dreamed he was dragging me around the floor of a store to leave me behind the counter till he could kill me. I was playing dead or unconscious or something.

So many nights I have strange dreams of him and I know my brain is working overtime trying to make sense of my r/s with him. Clearly I still feel bound by him, but he has been more overtly vicious with his words lately and he apparently thinks I'm trying to do something to him because he just changed his paycheck from going into our joint account and I think is having it go to his personal account and just putting some $$ into the account I can transfer from. Since I've been gone I haven't taken more than I needed to live and pay the small rent I do to share with a friend, but he's made accusations that i'm just using my account to get "his" money.

Do you dream about your ex or soon to be ex, and if so, for how long? Does it get any better? These dreams are exhausting!

[billypilgrim]

I have dreamt of her pretty much every night since she left.  They are mostly dreams of us being together, often times sexual.  I hate it.  She's always the girl I knew and loved in the dreams, never the person she actually is now.  Nothing like starting the day off like that.  I've even tried limiting what I do before bed to things completely unrelated to her.  Each time I dream about her, I almost always have to start off the day thinking about her.  It takes a while for my mind (and body in some cases, stomach particularly) to move passed it.  Work helps.  Friends have been great as well.  I'm hoping the dreams end soon.  When I asked my T about them, she said that it's my mind's way of working things out.  I guess I just need to sit back and let it run it's course.  I'm really getting tired of the "It'll just take time" solutions to things.

[Elpis]

I know what you mean... .it's really hateful when we're wading through the mud to the other, cleaner side!

When I first left I think all the dreams were more positive and the good part I remembered of our r/s (like you said, often sexual.) It makes me wonder if our brains are having a last look at the good bits so we can say goodbye and move on... .

[misty_red]

When I was still in a friendship with my ex (but lots of things had happened already ) I dreamed that she wanted to shoot me with a gun. So, yeah... .I guess it was the brain processing everything that went down with the BPD.

After I got discarded I dreamed lots of times of her. It happened for about two months I guess. After that two interesting dreams when the FOG began to fade away. The first one was about: she just had moved in with my brother, my father and me but she didn't want to. Someone made her. It felt like she was getting hospitalized. Then she drove away with my her car and I worried she'll never come back yet my subconsciousness told me she'll always be around in some way (well, it really is true, showing up whenever she feels like... .different now is just that I don't want her to be around anymore). Thing is: when I had that dreamed she had not showed up already. Only some weeks after that dream. The second dream was some kind of foreshadowing also. It was a classical recycle. We met at her place, first everything was good but then I could feel myself being abused again. And just days after that dream she showed up for the first time in two months. That dream made me keep no contact, really.

I sometimes think we really should listen to our subconsciousness. There's always a reason why these strange dreams happened. I'm not a psychic person, I don't believe in this stuff but whenever my ex is about to show up at some place I feel it. Just some days before I'm getting anxious and nervous and feel like ___ and boom, there she is. I just feel it.

[Elpis]

So weird, misty_red!

I do believe our subconscious knows a lot more than we do (if that makes sense!) It knows all the unseen currents of thoughts and feelings going through us... .

[Pingo]

Those are some heavy duty dreams Elpis!  I do believe that you are processing a lot of stuff while you are dreaming.  I have not dreamt of my uBPDexh at all (that I can remember) since right after we split.  This worries me, I wonder why.  I have dreamt of other exes though since my split with uBPDexh... .I think because of old wounds being reopened and doing a lot of abandonment work.  Have you looked up the meaning of your dreams?  I noticed a pattern to mine with these old exes and the meaning was about letting go of old emotional crap.  So this felt hopeful and positive even though the dreams were disturbing.

[Elpis]

Pingo, I love looking up about my dreams! I tend to have very vivid ones. Your other exes were probably stand-ins for your exh. Having been with mine for 38 years and not having any serious relationships before that time, I guess I don't have anybody else to dream about!

Even without looking them up I feel like the ones where he had my arms pinned from behind and I couldn't move were while I was still in victim mode, and then starting to work through that. Since I've only started feeling angry at the crap he's doing rather than sad like I was, i'm feeling like i'm getting a handle on the concept of me as the one to act, me as the one to keep myself safe. And while "playing dead" isn't the BEST way to keep myself safe, I suppose it was something of the sort!

[Pingo]

Interesting.  Yeah, mine might have been stand-ins for my exh.  The exes I dreamt about were from a long time ago, one 21 yrs ago, the other 16 yrs ago... .I was engaged to both and both abandoned me, one 3 mths pregnant!

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why does he do that?'  If you want to get in touch with your anger more, this was the book that worked for me! 

[Elpis]

I started that book and got partway through but I think I wasn't quite strong enough to deal with it then, so I should give it another go. It was triggering me like crazy and sending me into more trauma than it was helping! But i'm in a better place now I think. But boy did I see my uBPDh in there--he's the charming abuser type. Not so charming with ME these days, but still able to turn it on as needed.

i'm so sorry for your double abandonment--sounds like you pick runners and I pick stayers... .Now to get the stayer un-stuck from me... .

I just read on the site here in the article "Why Breaking Up is Hard to Do" that

People with inconsistent parental attention during the first years of life—are apt to try to keep a defunct relationship going rather than suffer the pain of dissolving it

and there I am! The slowest learner on the planet.

[Pingo]

I started that book and got partway through but I think I wasn't quite strong enough to deal with it then, so I should give it another go. It was triggering me like crazy and sending me into more trauma than it was helping! But i'm in a better place now I think. But boy did I see my uBPDh in there--he's the charming abuser type. Not so charming with ME these days, but still able to turn it on as needed.

Yes, it was very triggering.  I would recommend having a T during the reading of it. 

i'm so sorry for your double abandonment--sounds like you pick runners and I pick stayers... .Now to get the stayer un-stuck from me... .

I have picked some runners... .then after that last one I found my first husband and I knew he would NEVER abandon me!  And I was with him for 10 years.  I think I chose him bc he was safe.  He would never hurt me.  BUT he was very immature.  Not PD immature but more like a rebellious teenager.  I felt like I had 3 kids (instead of the two I had).  It was impossible to have a healthy connection with him.  So much resentment and contempt by the end and I left him after 4 yrs of marriage.  Then after a yr and a half single I met my uBPDexh.  Who knows if he would have ever left me.  I didn't think so but after being on this site for these months I now know anything was possible!

I just read on the site here in the article "Why Breaking Up is Hard to Do" that

People with inconsistent parental attention during the first years of life—are apt to try to keep a defunct relationship going rather than suffer the pain of dissolving it

and there I am! The slowest learner on the planet.

That's interesting, I read almost the exact thing about INFJ's the other day (I'm INFJ).  That they'll keep trying at a r/s long after it's run it's course.  I certainly did in both my marriages!  So you aren't the only slow learner on the planet!  And I also had inconsistent parental attention... .for ALL my years.  Can you link the article that you read that in?

[Elpis]

From their blog:

https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2012/06/why-breaking-up-is-hard-to-do.html

I know I've done the same thing with a couple of friendships, people who also fit the dynamics of somebody narcissistic like my mother. And wouldn't you know, those are all the people who have tried to continue condemning me! i'm kind of removing myself from contact with them. I tend to hold on too long to people I think I can make it work with even though they're difficult. hmmmmm... .

[Pingo]

From their blog:

https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2012/06/why-breaking-up-is-hard-to-do.html

I know I've done the same thing with a couple of friendships, people who also fit the dynamics of somebody narcissistic like my mother. And wouldn't you know, those are all the people who have tried to continue condemning me! i'm kind of removing myself from contact with them. I tend to hold on too long to people I think I can make it work with even though they're difficult. hmmmmm... .

Thank you for that article, it is very similar to the stuff I'm reading about in the book 'Love Sense'.  I am quite certain I'm the avoidant attachment type, if I'm rejected I leave immediately and never look back!  I always thought that was some pride thing or maybe just because I'm so stubborn.  But now I know there's a lot more to it.  But when it is me doing the leaving, it's another story.  I keep trying when everyone else around me is shaking their head, wondering what the heck is wrong with me!

[Pingo]

Okay, so after all these months, I just woke up from a dream about him!  He came back and we recycled.  It was similar to last spring when we did recycle.  I don't remember how I let him back into my house but I woke up in the morning and he was on the phone making plans and I realised he thinks he's moving back in except that isn't what I want, not ready for that!  I can see he's doing what he always does, everything revolves around his needs.  I feel nervous.  Then I remember my journals in my night stand and panic thinking that I have to get them out of there, take them with me to work as he'll read them (he was always invading my privacy).  Then I remembered my son was about to wake up and I didn't know what I was going to tell him so I hid my ex in the bedroom until I could speak to my son.  I was so worried for him, he has been through so much heartache I didn't want to confuse him or scare him.  That's when I woke up! 

Weird because he was on my mind a lot yesterday.  I'm reading a book on attachment theory called 'Love Sense' and it got me analysing our r/s and my part in the dysfunction which started making me think of all the 'what if's'... .I was feeling sad and I actually came on this site last night to the staying boards and read through some threads to remind myself of the reality of it all.

[billypilgrim]

Pingo - there must be something in the water.  I hadn't dreamt about her in a few days (actually since posting on this thread the first time).  But last night was rough.  In the dream, e were traveling together, still separated, and I was trying to understand why she was going through with all of this.  She had already been with other guys in the dream and she told me how much fun they were.  But I kept bringing up all of the things she said to me over our 6 years together.  For some reason, I had the box of cards/photos that she kept of our relationship.  I kept going through each item to her and asked ":)oes this mean nothing to you now?"  "Was anything real for you?"  The photos were actual photos.  And some of the cards I recognized.  I reread the wedding vows we/she wrote.  She wouldn't acknowledge anything, she looked at me as though I were a stranger.  I threw up my hands I ended up leaving her wherever we had traveled to together and then woke up. 

That dream was probably the cruelest thing my subconscious has ever done to me.  It is remarkable how vivid this dream was.  It is also terrible how real it felt, even after waking. 

[RedDove]

I also believe its our subconscious working through things and also warning us. For the first few months I had awful and cruel dreams about my ex BPDbf and the OW he cheated on me with back in June. I would wake up crying and sick to my stomach. I've always been loyal and faithful to my partners in a r/s, so having that film real of the two of them together really ripped my soul apart. Thankfully that dream dissipated after 2 months.

The next dreams I had were about us camping. In reality, we had one really wonderful summer during our 4 Yeats together. It was our 1st summer together. He booked a campsite for 2 months bacause he's a teacher and has summers off. I went down to join him one night, every weekend. He cooked over the open fire, we drank wine, talked and just enjoyed each others company. My dream was about being lost and running in the woods of the campground, like I was being chased by someone. I was very scared and I couldn't find my way back to the campsite. I kept calling his name. I finally find the camper, open the door to escape whoever is chasing me, only to find him in bed with another woman.

My subconscious showing me the real him... .it's was all about him, his needs, always. It was also a dejavu... .in reality, the 2nd weekend I stayed with him at the campground I had a similar dream, that I caught him with another woman in bed. I remember waking up with tears in my eyes.

[Elpis]

My problem in relationships is that I hold onto them for too long, way past their "expiry date"! I think I can FIX them, I can Show Them The Truth and we will all be freeeeee!

But i'm definitely avoidant about dealing with problems. I will skirt around things, and because i'm a very verbal person I tend to talk too much about stuff but I guess still in an avoidant way (God forbid I make anyone feel bad!)

My uBPDh would always tell me that he had nightmares and never good dreams. I've gone through long periods of having vivid dreams and having the rare bad dream.

I'm still dreaming of him nearly 10 months after I've left, but I think that speaks to the fact that I am still tied to him. i'm tied by our family and i'm tied financially. and he would still like to be in control of me and our relationship. So I think all of that is why i'm still dreaming of him. Fortunately sometimes I can't remember what the dream was when I wake up, I just know he was there.

Awful dreams, RedDove and billypilgrim and Pingo! Those all seem directly related to very real fears--I mean, there was reason for those feelings to poke their heads out, right? YUCKY.