Help with daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am afraid of my daughter. No matter what I say we always get into some sort of fight. She is coming out of rehab for opiate addiction today and I don’t know what to do about Christmas or anything else for that matter. She has a twin sister and my marriage to her father (a narcissist) ended 10 years ago. He is very verbally abusive to me. I feel like I’m about to crack.

[Antigua]

I am afraid of my daughter. No matter what I say we always get into some sort of fight. She is coming out of rehab for opiate addiction today and I don’t know what to do about Christmas or anything else for that matter. She has a twin sister and my marriage to her father (a narcissist) ended 10 years ago. He is very verbally abusive to me. I feel like I’m about to crack.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JeanGenie]

Hello Antigua,

Just a quick message before I rush off to work. I have just read your post and saw that you were new on here.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. But I have only joined this site a few days ago and people on here are amazing. They have been so supportive and already I just feel better knowing that I have a place to go and learn and increase my skills in how to communicate better with my daughter.

Christmas is such a difficult time. I am getting family etc presents, but am opting out of 'putting on a face' this year. It will be quite refreshing I think. Slum about a bit, walk the dog, light the fire, more slumming, TV film, slum etc. The hardest part will be that I will think of my daughter all day (just like any other day), will try to email her a card, and to be honest, I will dread the response. Or I won't hear anything, I do not know which is worse.

You have found a place here with people who have lots of experience and knowledge - it is full of fab resources and links. I don't feel so alone, and I have a new hope that maybe I can find the right way to reach out to my daughter.

Now off to get a soaking at work!

All the best,

JeanGeanie xx

[Antigua]

Thank you Jeangeanie . I would have been so bummed out if I had heard nothing back from you all. I feel so fragile, bruised, battered. I’m sure you do to. I know how you feel. I made and changed my decision about Christmas so many times in my head and I’m still on the fence. My daughter is newly diagnosed with BPD but most of us had figured it out already. She has fooled 90% of the therapists we’ve sent her to. She also has ADD, cutting, eating problems and insomnia but is still running the show by triangulating. My first instinct was to remove myself from the whole situation thus eliminating that possibility. However I have her twin sister to think of she has paid enough of a price already. My alanon sponsor and my therapist both say it’s time to take care of me, skip Christmas with my daughters (I’ll see the healthier one before Xmas) then leave town the 27th. This doesn’t help the fact that I love and miss the sick one. Tonight she’ll be 15 minutes away at her dad’s and wants me to take her to dinner. I have a Naranon mtg and have said no. Stricken with guilt and sadness I offered to take her coffee the next morning and a walk on the beach. She thinks I should skip my mtg. I asked again and got no response.

[wendydarling]

Hi Antigua  

I'd like to join JeanGenie welcoming you to bpdfamily  

Man, you've been through the ringer!   I'm glad you've found us    You did right not to skip your meeting, you responded rather than reacted.

You say this is a recent diagnosis, is the recent rehab the first step.  Yep, she may have foiled therapists, till now.

Has DBT been recommended as part of the treatment plan?

You feel guilt tripped for not dropping everything to take your DD to dinner, boy we all relate, heads nodding here. We've this lesson that helps us step out of the FOG 5.09 | "FOG"- fear, obligation, guilt what do you think?

So glad you've reached out and joined us.   Christmas, there is time to work out what is best for you, perhaps we need to start off a Christmas thread, cos you are certainly not alone.

WDx  

[SkellyII]

Hi Antigua,

You are definitely not alone. My 16 year old BPD daughter just left to spend the weekend with her uBPD mother. She got triggered before she left, so I got a taste of her rage before she left. I just logged on to help myself calm down.

I can relate to everything you posted, just remember to care of yourself first.

Skelly

[once removed]

is still running the show by triangulating. My first instinct was to remove myself from the whole situation thus eliminating that possibility.

the thing about triangulation is that you cant necessarily get to the center of the triangle by removing yourself or withdrawing.

when we are caught up in a drama triangle, its more about changing our responses, and finding mature ways to resolve conflict.

I am afraid of my daughter. No matter what I say we always get into some sort of fight.

tell us more... .has this always been the case? can you give us some examples? we can help you start applying the tools.

[Antigua]

It hasn’t alaways been the case but it has been since her early teens. She can’t handle me changing my mind. Sometimes I have to change my mind tho because something has come up like it has been revealed to me that wants this or that friend over because she has drugs. Her response is I can’t trust you.

[Antigua]

Thank you for your insights on triangulation. I would however need examples. I will post again with an example.

[Antigua]

I hope this response goes to the right person. I’m new at this.
Yes DBT has been recommended but her dad has her seeing his therapist who he trusts can do everything and I have my doubts.  And yes rehab was the first step.

Thanks Shelly. I do need to constantly be reminded to take care of myself.
Yes FOG for sure. I like that.

A Christmas thread sounds great.

[once removed]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

notice, in particular, the Winners triangle.

the key is pivoting with a mature response. to do that, we have to see our role in the drama triangle objectively, which isnt always easy.

we can walk you through examples.