Helping School help Daughter

[lovedisney]

Soon to be 16yo daughter has not been formally diagnosed, but has classic BPD traits, along with trauma/abandonment issues from her adoption.  We recently enrolled her in a specialty school (6:1 ration) that is suppose to be qualified to help kids with mental health problems after homeschooling for last 1+ years. No prior school has worked out for her since 6th grade.  The transition back to a traditional setting has been less than smooth.  She is being manipulative, showing classic signs of valuing a peer, than devaluing and moving on, lying, not doing school work, passing notes, being too social/vocal.  When she does do her work she does it well.  She did make a few friends whom all seem OK (each have their own issues) and now has a boyfriend.  This seems to be adding to the problems at school, as they don't want them all socializing within the classrooms.  I've had one meeting with them but want to be more proactive than reactive.  Has anyone found an approach that works well with a school to get them on board to HELP your child with their BPD?  I fear they will get too frustrated with her antics and kick her out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi lovedisney,

It's helpful that she is in an environment designed to support kids with mental health challenges, and even more so that you want to be proactive.

Have you seen this resource: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.msg1125531#msg1125531

Does your D15+ have any accommodations through a 504 or IEP?

What sort of support do they provide for the types of mental health issues your daughter struggles with?

Have they explained how their disciplinary policies work so you and your daughter understand where the limits are?

[lovedisney]

I am new to the board so thank you for pointing out the excellent resource and for replying to me.

She does not, and has never, had an IEP or 504.  We have always been able to have schools help us out, to a point.  But, I'm starting to think we potentially need an IEP/504 to get her through high school.  Thank you for pointing this out, it is a good idea.

The challenge in the current small school environment is the majority of the kids struggle with anxiety, so they try to keep things calm & quiet-which is not always my daughter.  They are not equipped to deal with the kids socializing - they changed from a half day to full day format this year, and it has presented new challenges for them in this area.

They have not clearly outlined disciplinary policies, partly as they've only ever expelled one student in 20+ years for drug use at school.  I do think they try to partner with parents to help the kids but we've had a rough start.  We have gotten an outline from them on behaviors she is to NOT do, that she has done, and we've reviewed these with her - constantly.  But, due to many factors, she sometimes gets disregulated or can be impulsive and can't follow them all. 

My brain goes ahead to what if she can't make it here...what next. RTC may backfire badly for us.   Public & private schools are not equipped to support her and she would most likely fall into drugs, alcohol, sex - due to her need for attention.   Am trying to source as many resources as possible to try to make current school scenario work out, at least for the rest of this semster.

[livednlearned]

I believe that severe emotional disturbance is one of the conditions that would make your daughter eligible for getting and IEP. Some of the public schools have some wiggle room in how they interpret things. Wrights Law is one of the best sites for arming yourself with knowledge so you can go into these meetings understanding your rights: https://www.wrightslaw.com/

I also found the IEP process helped create a culture of regular check-ins and accountability, not to mention building relationships with people who are sharing the job of educating your child.

One thing that can also help is to ask what the minimum requirements are for graduation (for your own peace of mind) and then create a realistic plan about what your daughter can manage given her struggles with emotion regulation.

Do you know if there are any dialectical behavior therapy providers in your area? Your daughter will probably need a lot of support learning how to regulate emotions and the school may not be equipped to provide that level of support. Receiving DBT in addition to attending school may help her with distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness so that she at least has a working understanding and some shared language for what's happening when she's on an emotional roller coaster.

[lovedisney]

All good points!  Yes, I have appt. with DBT counselor in a week to get her into a small, all girl, teen group starting in April.  She sees a counselor weekly, and has a psychiatrist for med management (also has ADHD-needs meds or can't focus at all).  I will start to inquire with the professionals re; IEP/504.  The new schools grad requirements are not difficult, and she could actually graduate early (wouldn't want her to) because they go by the minimum required by the state.  They are also not overly taxing with the workload or difficulty level - which I both love and hate.  Have you found a BPD counselor an absolute must?  DD has been with her counselor for 3+ years and is just now starting to discuss her abandonment/adoption issues.  I think it took her this long to trust her.  I sometimes wonder as she ages if a BPD specialized counselor would be more beneficial, but dread the thought of starting over.

[SkellyII]

Have you found a BPD counselor an absolute must?  DD has been with her counselor for 3+ years and is just now starting to discuss her abandonment/adoption issues.  I think it took her this long to trust her.  I sometimes wonder as she ages if a BPD specialized counselor would be more beneficial, but dread the thought of starting over.

Hi Love Disney, welcome to the board!

Frankly, I'm somewhat surprised that your psychiatrist or therapist haven't already recommended the specialized counselor. Did one of them recommend the DBT counselor?

BPD can be somewhat tricky to treat properly, and it's important to have a therapist who has a good understanding of what your daughter is experiencing, and how to relate to her properly. A bad or inexperienced therapist can really set her back. You can see my previous postings for my experience in that area. Maybe it would be possible for her to see both?

We're currently pursuing a 504 plan for my daughter, she is highly intelligent, but just won't do the work without some additional push. I had approached her high school about it previously, but got some push back from them with a promise they they would give her more attention. That didn't last, so now we were able to get the official Severe Emotional Disturbance designation from the state, so they won't be able to say no anymore.

One other thing, after she gets either the 504/IEP, in a lot of cases that can move with her to college, so it's helpful to get it now.

Take care.

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi Skellyll-  I am trying to put together a letter to request a 504 for our daughter - May I ask what accommodations did you request?   Our D16 is a sophomore she has ADHD, and recently dx with BPD-we never requested a 504 because she has always been an excellent student.  This year is an entirely different story, she currently is failing a couple of classes and barely passing a third. She is just not doing the work, I think is feeling overwhelmed in a couple of classes and given up, or doesn't care for a teacher so won't do the work.  With the classes/teachers she likes she is fine- although will sometimes forget homework assignments even in those classes.  It is such a complete turn around from the first 9 years of schooling.
Thanks

[livednlearned]

Have you found a BPD counselor an absolute must?  I sometimes wonder as she ages if a BPD specialized counselor would be more beneficial, but dread the thought of starting over.

A really good book to read is Buddha and the Borderline, a memoir about a woman who goes through several DBT programs. It's helpful to understand from her experience what DBT is and how it differs from other forms of talk therapy.

Proper DBT programs may ask that your daughter have only a DBT therapist during the program. From what I understand, it's partly a matter of pragmatics -- the real DBT programs can be time intensive. Teens meet as a skills group once a week and then each teen meets individually with the DBT therapist. And then each teen is able to call that DBT therapist throughout the week when needed. It's pretty intensive. The other part is minimizing any confusion between how different Ts might respond to issues that come up. It can be confusing to see two therapists at once altho your daughter's T might be willing to meet with her once every few months or so.

I wish D21 would do a year of DBT so we all had shared language about how to manage her intense emotions. It's great that you are already working toward this and have lots of the pieces come into place. The DBT counselor might also be able to help you think of appropriate accommodations given your D's specific challenges.

Hopefully the school also has experienced counselors who can work with D to come up with a behavioral plan for when she's dysregulating. Ideally, she would have some input into what that might be (with their guidance) so that she feels like she's building skills instead of being punished for her disability.

[SkellyII]

Hi Skellyll-  I am trying to put together a letter to request a 504 for our daughter - May I ask what accommodations did you request?   Our D16 is a sophomore she has ADHD, and recently dx with BPD-we never requested a 504 because she has always been an excellent student.  This year is an entirely different story, she currently is failing a couple of classes and barely passing a third. She is just not doing the work, I think is feeling overwhelmed in a couple of classes and given up, or doesn't care for a teacher so won't do the work.  With the classes/teachers she likes she is fine- although will sometimes forget homework assignments even in those classes.  It is such a complete turn around from the first 9 years of schooling.
Thanks

We're still working out the details for the 504. I've asked her therapist for guidance, since she's done this before.

Like your daughter, mine just won't do the work, especially if she decides she doesn't like the teacher. If I sit with her while she's doing her homework, she remains focused and it gets done. But left on her own, it just doesn't get done. She sometimes will claim that she didn't know there were assignments due, which is a crock, since everything is posted online where both of us can see it.

Keep in touch, we can compare notes.

[zachira]

I hear how you are struggling with your daughter with BPD's adjustment to her new school. It is great that you are trying to get her DBT. In the meantime, you might want to read "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder", if you haven't already. The author is a DBT therapist and explains in her book how to use DBT techniques to support a loved one with BPD. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[lovedisney]

Everyones feedback and book recommendations are very helpful.  Unfortunately, things at school rapidly declined this past week and they've asked for her to stay out for at least a month so we can stabilize her and not get to a point where they would have to expel her.  She is in full denial regarding all the behaviors she is doing at school.  Hates the school, but doesn't want to home school.  We are running out of options to support her well at home so we've called an educational consultant.  I'm worried that the behaviors she's begun since going back to school are going to get worse, and we are already babysitting her 24/7 - not leaving her alone, phone has to be closely monitored, etc.  I know she will now not do the school work they will provide weekly to us.  If anyone has any consultants or therapeutic boarding schools that have helped your child, please share.  It is a difficult time but we want to make the best decision to set her up for success in life, and right now we don't feel we are accomplishing that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

lovedisney,

When we have special needs kids, the best decision to set them up for success in life is going to look different, and you are in the process of getting feedback from the school on a small part of this journey. They don't think they have the structure they believe your DD needs.

You may find a former member's journal of her teen daughter's experience in a residential treatment center helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.0

As her behavior becomes more untenable for you and the school to manage, the choices narrow somewhat and the upside is that things may become more clear about what options exist for her care.

[lovedisney]

Thank you for the great reference post - it looks like some of it is no longer online but I'm digging around to read as much as I can.