This is as bad as I was afraid it was going to be

[sandgrounder]

Went to the hospital for discharge meeting about my daughter at 11:30 am. Meeting was brief, very brief, but she will be getting a lot of support but starting tomorrow morning with first meeting with mental crisis team.

We were stuck at the hospital until 3 pm till they sorted out her medication: increased does of fluoextine.

We arrive at my house about 30 minutes later and within ten, she's out the door taking her laptop top to the abusive ex. She hasn't come back so far. When I rang her on her mobile, she answered (this is unusual) and I find out she's at the large mall near here (and ironically near the hospital) buying clothes with the ex.

She has told the medical staff at the hospital she is too dependent on him - ya think?

I wanted to take her to the supermarket so we could buy food for the week ahead. She hasn't been eating well and I thought it a good idea if she helped pick the meals. The shops at the mall close at 9pm which means she'll get back here 9:30 pm at the earliest, and I really don't feel like food shopping that late ...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Sandgrounder

Indeed, these are difficult times for you with your daughter.  I am so sorry this is happening.

In reading through your previous thread, "What do or can I say to my daughter about boundaries"...I see you have already received excellent advice from Only Human, FaithHopeLove, Livednlearned.  I echo so much of what they have written to you.

This is not an easy journey you are on and changes will not happen overnight but they can happen.  You certainly are on the right track in looking for counselling for yourself...and by joining in here to get support as you move forward.

Regarding your home, it is to be YOUR safe-place...period!  There is no way your daughter's ex, or anyone else, should have access without your permission...period!  If you can't trust your daughter to abide by that boundary, then it is only you who should have a key.

As a Mom I can hear your concern about your daughter's eating habits.   Bottom line, that is out of your control.  Making an issue out of this will just give her more ways to have you jumping through hoops.   All you can do is make sure that you have nourishing food available.

I repeat, none of this is easy.  You are a Mom who is wanting the best for her child.  With that said, you have to know what really is in your power to do.   Sadly, we cannot save our children from themselves if they don't want to be saved.

Wise, wise words from OH, FHL, LnL.  They write from their hearts and from experience.  It is so necessary for you to become empowered and I think you are taking positive steps to get to that point.

Stick with us, Sandgrounder.  My heart goes out to you.

Huat

[livednlearned]

she will be getting a lot of support but starting tomorrow morning with first meeting with mental crisis team.

Did they let you know what kind of support she will be receiving?

She has told the medical staff at the hospital she is too dependent on him

That's a positive sign that she recognizes her dependence on him.

Do you have any thoughts about what kinds of limits or boundaries are healthy for you?

[sandgrounder]

Yesterday she saw the crisis team who have decided they don't need to see her again. Now another delay while her case is handed to a community care team. The support I have been told they will supply sounds wonderful, when it happens. Meanwhile she's off again today, this time for fitness training again with the ex. I doubt she'll come straight back.

While the mental health service slowly grind towards getting her therapy, he's with her telling she's OK and that it's me and the rest of her family who are crazy and liars. He will be able to do so much harm while they shuffle their papers about. This is a repeat of the situation after my then husband was arrested for sexually abusing her. The authorities swooped in, did the required paperwork and then left me with a very damaged child to try to look after when I too was in shell shock.

Now I feel every mistake I made at that time is being held against me and anything I do or say now is being twisted to add to the list of how I am an evil neglectful parent. I know a lot of this is him and some is her mental health but it still hurts.

My only consolation is that I think he is doing this in part because he's afraid of the consequences of his actions, which I have reported to the police. He's been interrogating my daughter to find out what I have said, what the police are doing etc etc. Even if he gets away with at least two serious crimes, at least I know I've given him some sleepless nights.

[wendydarling]

Hi sandgrounder

Now I feel every mistake I made at that time is being held against me and anything I do or say now is being twisted to add to the list of how I am an evil neglectful parent. I know a lot of this is him and some is her mental health but it still hurts.

Hugs to you, SG you've been through the worst nightmare a husband can deal a mother/wife, my heart goes out to you.   You did your very best with what you knew at the time and you are doing your very best now. For it to be thrown back in your face, surely HURTS despite understanding what's driving it.

I'm glad to hear the support your DD will receive sounds wonderful when it arrives. I gained that sense when my DD described the support she was offered back in 2015 and it fortunately was and I wish that for you.

Grinding mental health service sounds familiar to me ….. are you in the UK SG?

WDx

[sandgrounder]

Yes I’m in the UK. I suppose I should be glad for the NHS as I don’t have medical bills to add to my worries.

Things are still rolling along. She’s yet to get any counselling or therapy and she’s still to get her stuff from his house. It’s not that the stuff matters but it represents where she wants to be.

[Only Human]

Hi sandgrounder 

Thanks for the update - so sorry to hear your DD hasn't received any counseling since discharge, very frustrating.

Sorry if I missed it in another post, but are you seeing a therapist? It is really helpful for me to have my own T, to help me navigate my relationship with my DD25.

~ OH

[sandgrounder]

Hi only human

I am sorting out getting counselling through an employee assistance program as I think this will be quicker than through the NHS. I have also raised the need for family therapy in the discharge meeting when my daughter was released from psychiatric hospital last week.

At the moment, there are so many issues to work through there. I believe she is afraid of me and is being told by her ex I’m a crazy evil liar. That’s because I reported him to the police for assault on my daughter (she actually recorded a discussion between them of why he hit her on several occasions but she’s now convinced that was OK because “she annoyed him”) and also for an inappropriate relationship with a 14 year old girl (he bought this girl expensive gifts such as a Pandora ring and visited her at her home at least twice when he knew there were no adults present, plus my daughter got a document of his phone which I think clearly implies something untoward happened during those visits).

I can’t trust her because I know she is in constant contact via Facebook messenger to him and reports everything that’s going on, what I say etc. She got into my phone on one occasion and took screenshots of conversations between me and other people, sent them to him using my messenger account and then deleted the entire messenger thread between him and me. In trying to cover her tracks that way, I was able to see what she was up to. So I have changed my passcodes and can’t use my phone as sat nav when she’s in the car as that how she got in the first time.

At the moment I feel like I have a spy in my house, but one I love so I can’t take action against.  There’s so much gaslighting going on that at times I begin to think maybe I AM the crazy one - it almost makes as much sense as what’s going on right now

[wendydarling]

SG not sure if this will help you, my NHS experience. My DD is 30, following her dx 2015 I was invited to a carer’s assessment (they have to carry out legally) as she lived with me. I met the head of mental health who happen to be the person who dx her.

This was my entry point to ensure my DD was not forgotten on the 12month+ waiting list. I rang this person regularly to see where DD was on the list often not able to speak with, she received my messages through the staff who answered my calls. My DD had crisis's while on the waiting list, I was right on the phone to my only contact and even if she was unable to receive my calls, she knew I knew she’d received them and occasionally she'd call me back, knowing it was serious she had to fulfil her duty of care. This has been my only party to my DD's care, ensuring she was not forgotten. I was a respectful pest, pain in the butt. On two occasions in 2016 DD spent a month in a small Women’s Crisis Home (brilliant non-medical, therapeutic place), it’s a stop short of hospital. You can also self-refer. DD’s had one psychiatrist since 2015, 14 months DBT that ended Sept 2017 when she was discharged, overall experience was excellent once DBT started after 12 month wait. Because the waiting was so long after 6 months they firstly offered quicker access to Schema therapy (shorter in duration) which many took. My DD stuck out for DBT. Secondly to bridge the waiting list gap they set up a temporary weekly 2-hour DBT groups skills session and invited those on the waiting list to attend. This was really helpful.  I do hope your DD hears soon when her treatment starts and therapy for you.

That must be very upsetting knowing your DD is watching your every move, what you say goes straight back to her ex.  Has this type of behaviour been since you reported the ex to the police? How was your relationship beforehand?

WDx

[sandgrounder]

Well I rang the contact I had for the community care team and it seems the message that the crisis team were signing her off had not been passed to them. So she quickly arranged a phone call with the guy who will be in charge of my daughter’s care tomorrow. I just wonder how long would have passed before anything happened if I hadn’t rang.

My relationship with my daughter I thought was not bad before but it seems she didn’t like how I handled the situation four years ago when I found out my husband had been abusing her. I did struggle but I don’t think I was an unbalanced as she seems to think I was.

I think calling the police caused her to distrust me. Given they (the police) don’t seem to want to take any action against her ex unless my daughter or I guess the mother of the 14 year old complian, despite me and my son’s girlfriend having some troubling videos, screenshots and a diary the ex wrote, I really wish I hadn’t now. In fact at the moment I feel disinclined to be a responsible citizen ever again. They’ve ticked their procedural checksheets and they’re happy.

[wendydarling]

Hi SG 

Well I rang the contact I had for the community care team and it seems the message that the crisis team were signing her off had not been passed to them. So she quickly arranged a phone call with the guy who will be in charge of my daughter’s care tomorrow. I just wonder how long would have passed before anything happened if I hadn’t rang.

It's great to hear the call nudged them on... If your DD follows the same route as mine she'll develop a safety plan with her MH lead and the crisis team form part of that.

It is disappointing, at the least the police have on file your report, as often the actual victims/guardians may need to report for action to be taken.

How's things going at home?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sandgrounder]

It's gone about as bad as it could. She's not going to see anyone or get any counselling till next week. Meanwhile he's contacting her daily, using her as an emotional support because the mother of the 14 year old has stopped all contact between him and his "new girlfriend". My daughter knows he's using her but last night she decided to go to spend the night at his house. I have no idea if she's coming back. I have her fluoxetine here which she should have taken an hour ago but she hasn't even responded when I messaged her to remind her she needs her meds.

As I said, he tries to convince her she doesn't need counselling or meds. While the medical authorities have done nothing he's had a week to undo anything the hospital may have achieved.

They both do the same sport. Their club threw him out because of the inappropriate level of communication between him and the 14 year old. There is a national level competition this weekend, which months ago my daughter and him were going to travel together to and compete at. She's not competing but still wants to watch. I said I would take her but she's determined to go with him. Her club are worried he might cause a scene and if my daughter is there, this could affect her standing in the sport too. Also we feel he's using her as camouflage so if anyone has heard the rumours about him and the kid they'll think it can't be true because there he is with my daughter.

She's told her assistant coach she knows all this and that she needs to cut contact with him. In fact she can even see if he really cared anything about her, he would cut off contact as he wants the kid as his girlfriend. She knows all this but still says to me that she will go with him this weekend. She claims she'll get her stuff and cut off contact next week - the same way an alcoholic will give up drunk just not now.

Right now I feel like selling my house, quitting my job and moving to a remote island and let everyone just get on with whatever they are determined to do.

[Only Human]

I'm so sorry things are going the way they are, sandgrounder It's so difficult to stand back and watch while our kids are making poor choices.

Right now I feel like selling my house, quitting my job and moving to a remote island and let everyone just get on with whatever they are determined to do.

I can relate to this completely. I find that when I practice better self-care, I can do this (let everyone get on...). As I said, it's not easy to stand back. In fact, it's super hard sometimes. I see myself doing it with my GS4 too, so ingrained is my helping/rescuing.

Hang in there!

~ OH

[sandgrounder]

She’s now gone for a weekend at a sporting comp staying in a hotel room with the ex and his mum, despite several of us begging her not to, despite her saying she knows this is a bad idea, despite her having other options if she really had to go to see the comp.

I got so worried about some of her comments like “my thoughts are all over the place” and “my head feels like it will explode” that I rang the community care team and left a message on their answerphone. They got back to me a little while later to say to ring the police and ask if she’d taken drugs.

Urrr no she’s just a really confused young adult who needed counselling not being ignored for a week and a half after being released from psychiatric hospital.  I know if I call the cops they can do nothing because she’ll lie and say everything is fine. Also she distrusts me after I reported the abuse to the police the first time. They won’t even come to look at the evidence we have about his inappropriate relationship with a 14 year old.

I am angry that she’s allowing herself to be used as camoflage. He wants her there to deflect any rpumours about his behaviour not because he dares for her at all. Part of her sees this but sadly it’s not the part that’s in charge right now