Feel like a failure

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We didnt even make 2 years in the relationship. Got pregnat 2 months in ., Its funny, I remember i was about 4 months prego, and i was with my Best friend, I remember telling her, if it keeps going this way, we wont last more than a year after the baby is born, Well Maybe I doomed it from the start by bieng so pessimist? Or i was juste very intuitive? Anyways.  DS is 11months and a half and we are seperating. He is leaving at the end of the month.  I cannot handle his insults. His rages. His demands. I cannot do it!

When he is not raging, Im alone and then i realize how alone i will be,àll the time! It is so scary. Sometimes i think, maybe he is right and there is something wrong with me and Im the one who does not see it. Am I hurting my son? I know I can be lazy with the house work, does that mean i am a bad mom?  but I do work 4 days on 4 days of, 12 hours a day, its normal that I get lazy with house work right? I  never go out, I stay home with my boy. I really dont think i am a bad mom but what if i do not see it? Maybe it is just him starting to use our DS against me., manipulation.  Why am I letting it hurt me still when I know what he is doing?

Now I am running around like a chicken without its head, Transition to single mom is very hard. I need to find babysitter who can accomodate my crazy schedule. my Ex H will be home on week ends only. And he may be moving out west ( here is Canada, thats where the money is ) Then he will be gone for 6 full months.  I dont know how I am going to afford all of this on my own, he said he will help me with the babysitter, but I am afraid that I wont afford. Then I will have to quit. Then i get on welfare. Then I am bankrupt. Single mom, abusive X, welfare, bankrupt, .Living in my father`s basement appartment. at 30. Such a cliché!  I feel like such a failure.  What happened to my life? How did I let this come to this... .

How did you ladies deal with this? Any feed back?

[Rainyren]

We didnt even make 2 years in the relationship. Got pregnat 2 months in ., Its funny, I remember i was about 4 months prego, and i was with my Best friend, I remember telling her, if it keeps going this way, we wont last more than a year after the baby is born, Well Maybe I doomed it from the start by bieng so pessimist? Or i was juste very intuitive? Anyways.  DS is 11months and a half and we are seperating. He is leaving at the end of the month.  I cannot handle his insults. His rages. His demands. I cannot do it!

When he is not raging, Im alone and then i realize how alone i will be,àll the time! It is so scary. Sometimes i think, maybe he is right and there is something wrong with me and Im the one who does not see it. Am I hurting my son? I know I can be lazy with the house work, does that mean i am a bad mom?  but I do work 4 days on 4 days of, 12 hours a day, its normal that I get lazy with house work right? I  never go out, I stay home with my boy. I really dont think i am a bad mom but what if i do not see it? Maybe it is just him starting to use our DS against me., manipulation.  Why am I letting it hurt me still when I know what he is doing?

Now I am running around like a chicken without its head, Transition to single mom is very hard. I need to find babysitter who can accomodate my crazy schedule. my Ex H will be home on week ends only. And he may be moving out west ( here is Canada, thats where the money is ) Then he will be gone for 6 full months.  I dont know how I am going to afford all of this on my own, he said he will help me with the babysitter, but I am afraid that I wont afford. Then I will have to quit. Then i get on welfare. Then I am bankrupt. Single mom, abusive X, welfare, bankrupt, .Living in my father`s basement appartment. at 30. Such a cliché!  I feel like such a failure.  What happened to my life? How did I let this come to this... .

How did you ladies deal with this? Any feed back?

[marbleloser]

Sorry to hear Rainyren. I'm sure there will be some ladies along to help you.

In the meantime,you do what's best for you and your kiddo.If that means welfare for a little while,so be it.Don't let your exH off the hook so easily.He's a participant in this.He needs to be paying child support to help out,plus half of all medical expenses.You need to speak with an attorney or 10.

As for the housework,if H has a problem with it,he's able to help out,right?You work and have a young child,so yeah,housework can take a backseat for a while.This isn't going to be easy.You'll need to be mom and dad,but it seems like you're already doing that.Do you have family nearby that help with your son?Friends to reach out to?

[motherof1yearold]

Honestly I go day to day. I've been very depressed since me and BPD h split when our daughter was 15 months. It was a huge smear campaign involved, terrible custody battle (he took my daughter for 30 days)  , loss of all friends. I can honestly say things are probably worse after my split. and even it being 8 months ago things are still going down and down hill. I wish you luck, please vigilant planning to leave and keep your son in mind.

[Pidge]

You are not a failure.

Someone else's behavior is NEVER your fault. Period, full stop.

Your housekeeping is no reason for abuse. EVER.

A small child is a full time job, and there is never enough time for all the things that COULD be done.

No matter what you thought about the dad in the beginning, you know he is wrong for you now, and no matter how scary it is, alone is better than having someone hurt you, physically or emotionally.

If you have family or friends to help, don't be too proud to ask. Help with babysitting, or referrals, or just someone to take a walk in the park with.

If you need help from local women's aid groups or church or government welfare, don't be too proud to ask. Women's shelters and welfare systems exist because everyone in society benefits when families are safe and strong and thriving.

Try to find the time (I know, what time?) to join a mom's group. Everyone feels like a failure when their child is small at some time or other, and having friends to support you and tell you that it is totally fine if the laundry sits in the basket or the floors don't sparkle can help.

The dad has to pay child support, it is the law, and his moral responsibility.

It isn't your fault if someone else gets mean. You aren't a failure if you aren't a perfect housekeeper or you chose the wrong guy.

If you love your child, if you do your best, if you try to be a kind human being on more days than not, you are doing great!

And remember, some days, you will be superwoman. Some days, your best will be that at the end of the day, you and your child are both still breathing, and that is success.

[Rainyren]

Thank you for your responses, it was just what I needed... .

motherof1yearold:  Im sorry you are having a hard time still. How are you feeling today? Feel free to message me to vent if you need to! But thank you so much for your honesty. Although I am feeling very optimistic about this, I know I will crash soon, I always do.

Pidge, you really know how to cheer someone up!    I have decided that quitting my job is not the end of the world nor is it the issue. I will take advantage of welfare, hey it is there to help right? And I may qualify for EI. Keeping my fingers crossed! At least until things settle or until I find a day job. And I am surrounded by a very supportive support system. Friends and family. I am lucky   We are going to do 50/50 so I am not going to ask for child support. But I see how he is not consistent with his other son, I would be greatly surprised if he keeps that arrangement. Then I will ask for it.

I have been so stressed out that I am looking forward now to not be working. I get to enjoy my son more without the stress or fear of a fit. No more walking on egg shells. This past month his guilt trip or insults or what have you just do not get to me anymore. I just smile and nod, it pisses him off more but I really do not care! It is so freeing... .

So cheers to a guilt , fear, rage, criticism, insults , rage free summer! I will enjoy every bit of it. 

[momtara]

You sound a lot like me.  First off, no one is perfect and you are NOT a bad mom if you need to take a little time to yourself.  I sometimes give my son videos while I surf the net.  Sometimes I try to get a little work done while he's playing, rather than play with him.  You have a mind and a heart and you are allowed to do those things.  While my husband was here, he used to do nothing for our son and then would tell me I'm 'lazy' if I needed to lie down after taking care of him for hours.

Do NOT think it's you or that this is your fault.  It took me a while to see this, but once you are out of this situation, you realize that the way he treats you is the opposite of how you should be treated.  If you were supported, didn't have to deflect criticism all the time, you could be a better mom, wife, etc., and a happier one, too.

I never wanted to get divorced.  My parents' generation all did that and I swore I never would.  But after dealing with the rages, criticism, etc., my husband went over the line and called me an abusive mom because I didn't feed our son 3 minutes after we all woke up.  It just got worse.

Kids often exacerbate these people because they want all the attention.

I felt like a failure too.  No one wants to give up on a marriage or a family.  But sometimes it's healthier for all involved, unless he gets counseling.

I think we have had similar situations.  I have two kids who are very young.  Hang in there.  It is NOT your fault.  You should be pampered as a new mom, not browbeaten.

[Rainyren]

Well i guess it is a failure ., I too promised myself I wouldnt get divorced and ill wait until I met the right person before having a baby... . But when it happened 2 months in the relationship, and im 30, i thought hey! whats the worst that can happen, single mom if it ends up that way? i never thought it would be such a battle. So draining... . Now I am waiting for him to move out. I will be paying everyhting at home, i dont care. Anything so he moves at the end of the month, Then i will be truly free. It hurts still and I wonder What the heck is wrong with me to miss him (he has been gone for a week at his parents) As soon as he is sweet its like i forget the bad part. So i re-read his hate text and I remember.

This is the home stretch. 30 days .I can do this. one day at a time.

[momtara]

We all forget, because we know their good sides.  Hey, some people want children all their lives and can't have them.  So there's that.  It will get better!

[ForeverDad]

Well, I'm not a lady and I'm sure not like him.  Neither are a lot of other fine men.  I may have my faults but being manipulative, accusing and abusive, even if only verbally, is not one of them.  Look at it this way, there are far better fish in the sea.  Give yourself time to recover.  Life will get better.  You and your child do have a future.  Keep your eyes focused on that.