I feel confused and just all out depressed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night me and my husband mostly talked about whether or not we should stay together. There were moments where he got angry and told me to leave the house. I got up to leave and he changes his tune rather quickly. However, his favorite thing to say to me is that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he wants a divorce and I am the biggest mistake he has ever made. I for the first time was honest with him and said sometimes I want a divorce because I can't handle any of it anymore, it's just too hard. It's all just too stressful and right now I feel like have nothing to look forward to in my future. But when things are good I really want him, I don't want to loose that part of him. I told him It makes me confused and it's probably exactly how he feels too. I think it was sort of Validating to him because it is how he feels.  Because all of it is stressful and both of us are paying the price. He stayed calm for most of the conversation. I was actually feeling ill for most of it so I was rather emotional because I just couldn't keep it together any longer. I don't even know what I am asking, I feel sort of hopeless at the moment. I've kind of gotten to the point where I just don't know what I want. To me it seems like he wants me to walk away so he doesn't have to, so he can blame us failing on me. I've asked him when he says he wants to leave why he is still here. What is holding him back and he says he doesn't know. He is sort of going to therapy, keeps missing appointments and he says his therapist keeps saying that we need to separate. According to him the only reason he is going at all is so he can save our marriage. 

[Cloudy Days]

Last night me and my husband mostly talked about whether or not we should stay together. There were moments where he got angry and told me to leave the house. I got up to leave and he changes his tune rather quickly. However, his favorite thing to say to me is that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he wants a divorce and I am the biggest mistake he has ever made. I for the first time was honest with him and said sometimes I want a divorce because I can't handle any of it anymore, it's just too hard. It's all just too stressful and right now I feel like have nothing to look forward to in my future. But when things are good I really want him, I don't want to loose that part of him. I told him It makes me confused and it's probably exactly how he feels too. I think it was sort of Validating to him because it is how he feels.  Because all of it is stressful and both of us are paying the price. He stayed calm for most of the conversation. I was actually feeling ill for most of it so I was rather emotional because I just couldn't keep it together any longer. I don't even know what I am asking, I feel sort of hopeless at the moment. I've kind of gotten to the point where I just don't know what I want. To me it seems like he wants me to walk away so he doesn't have to, so he can blame us failing on me. I've asked him when he says he wants to leave why he is still here. What is holding him back and he says he doesn't know. He is sort of going to therapy, keeps missing appointments and he says his therapist keeps saying that we need to separate. According to him the only reason he is going at all is so he can save our marriage. 

[ApChagi1]

I completely understand where you are coming from, and am experiencing a very similar situation with my dBPD wife.  It's just so draining day-in and day-out to listen to their constant complaining about how horrible everyone else is and how awful their life is. 

My wife hasn't worked in 5+ years, and I paid for her to go back to college and get her degree.  (Her Health Care providers have recommend she don't work due to the severity of her BPD)  She refuses to help with any housework, and when I suggest something fun she could do to "take care of herself", she gets angry at me for being insensitive about how she is feeling. 

It's like a never ending chess match that can never be won.

[bruceli]

I completely understand where you are coming from, and am experiencing a very similar situation with my dBPD wife.  It's just so draining day-in and day-out to listen to their constant complaining about how horrible everyone else is and how awful their life is.  

My wife hasn't worked in 5+ years, and I paid for her to go back to college and get her degree.  (Her Health Care providers have recommend she don't work due to the severity of her BPD)  She refuses to help with any housework, and when I suggest something fun she could do to "take care of herself", she gets angry at me for being insensitive about how she is feeling. 

It's like a never ending chess match that can never be won.

Same here with my DW except... . She goes to work everyday because she can not handle the pressure's of family life and the responsibilities that go along with that.  Too intimate for her... .

[Cloudy Days]

It's like a never ending chess match that can never be won.

Yes! I don't know how to play chess but heck I don't know how to play this game I call my relationship either... . I feel like I can't win no matter what I do. You basically choose between the lesser of two evils most of the time. 

My husband hasn't worked in almost 4 years. He had a job for 3 weeks and went nuts while working there. He's now trying to obtain disability benefits, his doctor said he has a good chance. I am the one that had to apply for all of it though, and get a lawyer and so on and so forth. It's insanity how uneven our relationship is. He's changing his tune as of now and loves me again. I'm so tired of not knowing where I stand with him. I know why our mental state starts to mimic some of their behaviors. You become disordered trying to deal with their disorder. It makes you insane if you let it!

[bruceli]

It's like a never ending chess match that can never be won.

Yes! I don't know how to play chess but heck I don't know how to play this game I call my relationship either... . I feel like I can't win no matter what I do. You basically choose between the lesser of two evils most of the time. 

My husband hasn't worked in almost 4 years. He had a job for 3 weeks and went nuts while working there. He's now trying to obtain disability benefits, his doctor said he has a good chance. I am the one that had to apply for all of it though, and get a lawyer and so on and so forth. It's insanity how uneven our relationship is. He's changing his tune as of now and loves me again. I'm so tired of not knowing where I stand with him. I know why our mental state starts to mimic some of their behaviors. You become disordered trying to deal with their disorder. It makes you insane if you let it!

What helps me through these feelings is that I try to remember that "what is fair doesn't always mean equal."