BPD SO how to respond to anger

[Kaymer]

Fiance is diagnosed with BPD for years. How should I respond to devaluating comments of me or others? Example would be when watching tv saying "what a arrogant skinny bitch. Stop crying you don't even have real problems"
 Second anger issue like threatening to gain control that are false example like "Do this process I will break your PLEASE READing computer". She has never touched my computer but the threatening for control is a common defense mechanism when she feels like I am not doing something she feels she needs.
I normally try to defuse by locking myself in the bathroom but she will bang on the door and yell or threaten something like the TV or something. I have also tried leaving the apartment all together but she responds with extreme anger and then pleading. If I stay it will get worse. The problem I have with leaving is the high risk of self harm. She hasn't hurt herself in over a year but the thoughts are there and has tried swallowing all of her Psych meds. I have had to make her spit them out and call the cops.
Any advice is welcomed

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[kells76]

Hi Kaymer;

Couple of thoughts on this:

How should I respond to devaluating comments of me or others? Example would be when watching tv saying "what a arrogant skinny bitch. Stop crying you don't even have real problems"

Something important we learn here -- and it can be a long process between agreeing with the words to really embodying what it means -- is that the only person I can control is me. I cannot control what anyone else says, does, or thinks.

At first, it can sound depressing: "So there's nothing I can do about her hurtful comments?" In a way, though, it's actually freeing. It isn't your job or responsibility to make sure she says nicer things.

What you can control is if or how you participate or listen when she says devaluing comments.

With your example, when she says negative things about the person on TV, you can't stop her from saying that. What you can do is decide if you will stay in the same room with her when she says those things.

You get to decide your own true boundaries (rules for yourself, not for others). If you don't want to be exposed to that kind of negativity, you can make choices to protect yourself from hearing it.

The nice thing, too, is that if it's a real boundary, it won't require her to agree with it, cooperate, or think it's a good idea. True boundaries are 100% under your control. True boundaries also don't need to be verbally explained to the other person (you don't have to say "Because you are so negative, I am now doing the boundary of not listening to you any more". You are allowed to just leave the room!)

All of that also applies to when she says nasty things about you. You get to choose if you will stick around in the room and hear it, or if you will protect yourself from hearing that by exiting and doing something else.

Negativity like that damages relationships. In a way, it might be better for your relationship for you to decline to listen when she tears you down.

What do you think?

[usagi]

Hi Kaymer,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like your fiancée is really struggling and projecting that onto you.  My partner has never been diagnosed with BPD but exhibits many of the behaviors.  One of the suggestions from this forum was to read "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning (https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/11352031).  The author describes a five step process to working with your partner when they are dysregulated.  I've found this extremely helpful.  One of the most important steps was to first do what you need to to regulate your own emotions.  If you are getting agitated it will be much harder to respond to your partner.  That can be simple breathing exercises or finding something else to do to let your emotions settle.

Kells also has some great recommendations.  Again, so sorry you are going through this.

[Pook075]

Hey Kaymer;

You've already received some great advice from Kells and Usagi, but I wanted to add one more layer.

Think back to when your girlfriend threatened to break your computer.  What was she doing 1 minute before she made that statement?  What did she say or do just before that...and how did you respond?

The other side of the coin with a BPD partner is learning to validate their feelings/emotions and avoid being invalidating.

Now, you might think that you didn't do anything, she simply responded out of proportion to the situation.  And that's probably at least partially true.

But what actually happened, the thing you missed in all of this, is that whatever she said or did just before the blow-up wounded her emotionally.  To you, whatever happened was normal and no big deal.  To her, it was like calling her momma dumb...those were fighting words!

BPD's are highly sensitive and we often invalidate without even realizing it.  That starts a chain reaction in their minds with emotional energy that's telling them to run, to scream, to fight...all basically at the same time.  It's like a panic attack inside their minds, so they lash out to 'make things right'.  But to us it's completely bizarre behavior.

What can you do?  Focus on her emotions (not as much her words) and when you see she's a little off, validate her with something like, "Hey, what's wrong?  I'm here for you."

Now, maybe she explodes...or maybe she cries...or maybe she says nothing is wrong.  But the point here is to recognize that she's a little off and validate that you're there for her, that you understand.

Maybe you don't understand mental health and the feelings that come from it.  But you do understand what it's like to be sad, scared, angry, or lonely.  You also know what you'd want/need in those situations to feel better.  So that's what you give her to avoid the blowout argument.  You recognize something's off up front and you soothe those things away before it becomes an actual problem.

Make sense?