How to respond when son wants to pick a fight

[Blazer]

Hi, I'm new to the community. My almost 14 year old son is displaying so many characteristics and behaviors of someone with BPD. Our family needs help and I'm the person who usually seeks it. I'm looking forward to learning more about the condition he's struggling with and how to respond when he seems to be trying to pick a fight. I believe that he's very fearful and anxious. We are waiting for psychological testing to take place in October. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and we have 3 other sons, 2 in high school and one in 7th grade and they are being impacted as well. I guess I'm not in Kansas anymore. Do I sign this with my screen name? I haven't had a chance to read anything else yet before the system prompted me to write a post. Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Welcome!  No need to sign at the bottom.
Well, it is good news that he will be going in for testing and good for you as parents to see that he needs it.  How are you and the rest of the family coping as some of the BPD behaviors can be profound?   Please share as you are comfortable.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hib]Blazer[/b]
Welcome to the group. You have come to the right place for reliable information, help, and support. Can you tell us more about what your son says and does when he is trying to pick a fight? Maybe we can brainstorm some possible responses with you.

[livednlearned]

Four boys! You are amazing  

BPD tends to impact the whole family and other close, interpersonal relationships.

Your son is fortunate to have a caring mama looking for ideas and support. Getting the family educated and on the same page can make such a big difference.

14 is such a hard age for boys. Did he just start high school? How does the family respond when he starts to pick a fight?

[Blazer]

Thanks for asking how my family responds when my son wants to pick a fight. For example, older brother asks "Scott" to move so that he can put the cereal away. Scott loudly announces "I'm not moving anywhere. You're just going to have to wait until I'm done" and proceeds to stop making lunch and simply stand there glaring at "Jack". Often "Jack" will try to logically argue that it will just take a second for him to put the cereal away if Scott will just move. If that happens Scott will escalate by verbally berating Jack and getting all spun up. Our secret code is mostly eye contact w/ the non-BPs in the family and "DNE" (do not engage). Do you have other recommendations?

[Blazer]

Thanks FaithHopeLove,
"Scott" often makes loud proclamations about how unfair we, his parents, are to him and what a substandard house/family/life he has. With the beginning of school he was dissatisfied with our "mild expletive" pencil sharpeners and went into a tirade about how I had refused to buy him pencils at the store b/c we already had some at home, but since we don't have any decent pencil sharpeners he couldn't possibly start school until I buy him the "right" pre-sharpened pencils. Implied (or stated, I can't remember which) was how very stupid I was not to have realized my colossal error. I am often goaded into heated discussion/debate with him as I feel falsely accused and that he's being demanding. I would love more insight into interacting with him in a more positive way. I'm waiting on the arrival of my own copy of the Essential Familly Guide to BPD. I know that will give me a lot of ideas that I can circle, highlight and start using.
 

[Blazer]

I'm going to answer the question "How are you and the rest of the family coping as some of the BPD behaviors can be profound?"
It depends. I'm getting very tired. My husband is frustrated. My oldest son is trying his best and has the patience of a saint, but "Scott" works hard to get under "Jack's" skin, too. "Ty" mostly ignores Scott and strives to be physically as far away from him as possible (heartbreaking to me). His youngest brother "Chris" is often frightened by Scott's behavior and does everything he can to please Scott, to include purchasing a new cell phone for him when Scott broke his own in anger. So, I can see that we, as a family, need help. I am seeing a social worker 1-2 times a month to help me discuss some of my difficulties and brainstorm better responses, as well as make certain to take care of myself. I exercise often, which helps balance my moods, but Scott's behavior hurts my heart and I am often sad and exhausted by what he says and does.

[PeaceMom]

I am just rereading “when your daughter has BPD” and it would apply to a son as well. I also have my 4 young adult children living in my home and we have similar dynamics. It is truly a family illness and the book talks in great detail about “starving the monster” of enabling the BPD behavior.

I am working on the boundary of only addressing the content of what DD19uBPD is asking for if her “form” is correct first. I’ve told her if you scream, cuss, berate, accuse me while asking for something, I will walk away until you get the form right, then we will talk thru what you need and decide if it’s appropriate. The book gives many examples and I’m starting at the beginning -trying to starve the BPD monster.

I totally relate to what you are saying and I feel your frustration, anxiety and pain. It’s stinks for the other kids and the book discusses the effect on them. Sad, but it can get better. The whole family system is broken bc of the BPD behavior, but it can get healthier.

Hugs,
Peacemom.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am often goaded into heated discussion/debate with him as I feel falsely accused and that he's being demanding.

What do you think you could do to avoid getting hooked like that?

[Blazer]

"What do you think you could do to avoid getting hooked like that?"
Good question! I"m trying to de-personalize things and sometimes I change physical locations. I also think that changing my expectations, dropping my unrealistic expectation that we'll just "get along wonderfully" all the time and replacing it with appreciating who he is and who I am instead.

[livednlearned]

Do you think he recognizes his emotions are overly intense? Does he go through a tender cycle where he seems to acknowledge that his responses were over the top?

I remember a family here created a space in the garage for their child to blow off excess rage and anger. Maybe it was a punching bag ... 

Only he can learn to manage his rage, but you and the family can work with him to find safe and socially acceptable ways to discharge it.

The other alternative, the one I've used for my situation, is to create a space where I can recharge. My stepdaughter (22) has quiet BPD and when she's here for extended stays I have to put on noise-canceling headphones, lock the door, and meditate. Sometimes physical distance is the only way I can catch a breath and fill my cup so I'm ready to engage with her again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders